16. Berkley
It's Only You
The Thursday after Brent and I returned from Frankenmuth, Lexie and I went out for dinner. Between my relationship with Brent and her burgeoning…whatever with Mitch, law school, and her constant travel for work, we’d hardly seen each other recently. While Brent was a bright spot in my life, I needed girl time with my best friend.
Normally we’d do things like this with Kimber and Amelia, but my relationships with each of them were still strained. Now that some time had passed, I’d finally responded to Amelia’s texts, and she apologized for not respecting my boundaries and siding with Kimber in that final showdown at my apartment. Despite the olive branch, our friendship was still tenuous at best, but we were working on it.
On the other hand, I still hadn’t heard a peep from Kimber. I wasn’t going to lie—it hurt that she could so easily throw away seven years of friendship like that, but she’d always been stubborn. Frankly, I didn’t feel like I was the one in the wrong. Could I have handled things better? Certainly. But, as the saying goes, the ball was in her court. If she wanted to repair the rift between us, she’d have to make the first move.
For now, I was putting that tension behind me to enjoy an evening with Lexie.
When I stepped out of my apartment to head out to dinner, I was greeted by two boxes on my doorstep. They were white with burgundy ribbons, a tag on one bearing my name, the other bearing Lexie’s.
I barely contained an eye roll. I knew who they were from, because there was only one man who got off on both surprising me and buying me gifts, but I couldn’t imagine what was inside that Lexie would get one, too. I hefted them into my arms and carried them down to my car.
When I arrived at the restaurant, Lexie was already there, and she eyed me skeptically as I approached the table with the boxes.
“What are those?”
“I have no idea,” I said. “They were on my doorstep when I left to come meet you.”
“From Brent, I assume?” Lexie asked with a raised brow.
“I think that’s a safe bet.”
A waiter approached the table. “Good evening, ladies!” he said brightly. His tawny hair was pulled back into a tight bun at the base of his skull, his face clean-shaven. A tattoo of what appeared to be lyrics to a Foo Fighters song curled around his left bicep, which flexed as he passed out menus.
I hated that I recognized the lyrics. I didn’t even like the Foo Fighters.
“Can I start you off with something to drink?” he asked.
Lexie and I shared a brief glance before blurting, “Rosé,” in unison.
“Coming right up!” he said with a chuckle. “In the meantime, someone will be bringing some bread for you to munch on.”
We murmured our thanks as he moved away from the table.
“So…” Lexie said. “Shall we?”
“I suppose,” I groused. “Although I guarantee whatever is in here is going to piss me off.”
“Oh, Berk,” Lexie said with a smirk. “Stop being so fucking independent and enjoy yourself!”
I reached out and smacked her for parroting Kimber’s words from a few months ago. “Fuck off.”
“God, she’s such a bitch,” Lexie muttered with a laugh. “Forget about her. She’s clearly fucking crazy. You and Brent have argued. He knows about Lee and the cheating drama. He’s seen the messy parts of you and guess what? He’s still fucking crazy about you. So contrary to her unimportant opinion, you haven’t pushed him away, and I doubt you ever could.”
The words eased some of the tension in my chest. Leave it to Lexie to shoot me straight, to help me put my head back on when it was spinning out of control. The waiter brought our wine, and I took a grateful, fortifying sip.
“Alright,” I said at last. “Let’s open these.”
Nestled on top of sparkly white tissue paper was a pass for entrance to the festivities at the upcoming NHL All-Star weekend, the pass heavy plastic dangling from an All-Star Game branded lanyard. Next to the pass was an envelope, which I opened to find flight itineraries—for first class seats—for round-trip airfare between Detroit and Las Vegas, where the ASG was taking place. Beneath the tissue paper was a jersey with the logo for the Eastern Conference team on the front. When Lexie lifted hers from the box, I saw Brent’s name and number on the back.
“I’m going to kill him,” I said through clenched teeth, draining the remainder of my Rosé before Lexie had taken a single drink of hers.
“Okay, but can you do it after we spend next weekend in Vegas?”
“Lex!” I scolded. “You can’t be serious.”
“I’m dead serious, Berk. I don’t understand why you’re not jumping at this chance. First class tickets. A suite to ourselves? Access to the entire weekend of events? As a hockey fan, this should be a dream come true. So what gives?”
I understood where she was coming from. A free vacation had fallen into our laps, and I had no intention of taking it. I didn’t want to owe anyone anything—including my boyfriend—and lavish gifts like this made me feel beholden to him in a way that made my skin crawl.
My friends had never really understood my relationship with money—and why I was so intent on being financially self-sufficient. When Logan and I were little, still practically in diapers, my parents had decided to start their own company: a full service residential contracting and real estate firm. At the time, both had been working for bosses they hated, my dad as a construction manager and my mom as a junior real estate agent. You’d never know it now, but those early years had been difficult while they worked tirelessly to get the business off the ground. There’d been some light years where they struggled to pay bills and keep us all fed. By the time Jessica had arrived, the bad days were behind us, but Logan and I remembered. Now my family was certainly well off, and well-known across the state for their top-tier work and customer service, but my parents had raised me and my siblings to work our asses off for everything we wanted in life.
Thanks to that upbringing, I had never been a frivolous spender. In fact, leasing my apartment was the first indulgence I’d ever made for myself. I’d received numerous scholarships for undergrad and had also worked through college to cover the rest, always saving a hefty portion of my earnings. Some of that money, of course, went to bills and other college-related expenses, like Michigan State Thursday night specials such as Rama and Rick’s. The remainder went to saving for law school.
I’d decided not to work while actually in law school, wanting instead to devote all my time and energy to honing my craft. I knew these three years would be grueling, and looking back, I was confident in my decision. My parents’ successful business afforded me with a trust fund, the bulk of which I couldn’t access until I turned thirty. Until then, I’d received a yearly stipend to cover tuition and other expenses, including rent on my apartment.
I started working at fourteen and hadn’t stopped. A stipulation of our trust funds was that my sister, brother, and I worked various jobs with Daniels Contracting and Real Estate growing up, an income I’d supplemented by working at my friend Amara’s family winery.
In short, I didn’t expect or accept handouts.
And accepting an all-expenses paid vacation to Vegas when I’d done nothing except be Brent’s girlfriend? That didn’t sit right with me.
“I can see your wheels spinning in there,” Lexie said, reaching over to tap my temple.
“You know how I feel about taking things I don’t think I’ve earned.”
“I do,” she said slowly. “But Berkley…this isn’t someone walking up to you on the street and handing you a million dollars free and clear. This is your boyfriend, offering you a vacation because he wants to spend more time with you.”
“He could’ve just asked me if I wanted to go.”
“So you could reject him and hurt his feelings?”
“Telling him no wouldn’t hurt his feelings,” I protested. I waved my hands at the gifts strewn across the table. “And he’s hurting mine by doing this.”
“Berk…” Lexie started, and I knew all of my issues with this would vanish with her next words. That was the problem with someone who knew you better than you knew yourself—Lexie had a habit of forcing me to see how ridiculous I was being and talking me out of being mad about one thing when the issue was really something else. “I get you’re afraid. This thing between you happened really fast, and he’s unlike any guy you’ve ever been with before. Have you ever stopped to consider that his love language is gift giving? And doing this makes him happy? He’s not doing it to buy you, or to chain you together because you feel like you owe him something. He’s doing it because he cares about you, and this is how he shows that.”
And…fuck. I deflated, all the fight leaving me like air from a popped balloon. She was right, about everything. Being cherished and taken care of—both physically and emotionally—in a relationship was new territory for me, and clearly I was struggling to acclimate.
“I hate it when you’re right.”
Lexie smiled smugly. “So…we’re going?”
With a sigh, I nodded. “We’re going.”
After dinner, I went right to Brent’s.
My mind whirled the entire drive, the conversation with Lexie dredging up old memories. My traitorous mind replayed scenes from my relationship with Lee over and over.
Lee was about seven years older than me. I’d been seventeen when we met, just shy of celebrating my eighteenth birthday. Funnily enough, we’d be introduced through mutual friends at a Halloween party, and…damn. I’d fallen hard and fast. I’d never really been in a serious relationship before him. I’d already lost my virginity, but it was more circumstances lining up perfectly, and a friend and I deciding to go for it one night after a few too many stolen beers on the beach.
Didn’t recommend sex on the beach without a blanket, by the way.
But Lee…looking back now, I could see that he’d been grooming me to be dependent on him. I’d grown up being entirely self-sufficient, with parents and siblings who encouraged my independence. Within the confines of that relationship, it had all come crashing down. I’d turned into a shell of my former self. Like I’d told Brent, when I’d gone off to school, Lee had guilt tripped me about not being there with him, making me feel like shit and thus ruining my fun when I chose to spend my weekends in East Lansing instead of heading home to Traverse City.
The moment that should’ve really kicked me in the ass and sent me running happened right before I left for college, when we got into an argument about…me leaving for college. He wanted me to stay nearby, but I’d be dreaming of going to Michigan State for years, basically since Logan decided he wanted to go. I would’ve followed my brother—my best friend—anywhere. I was so fucking nervous to leave home, but I knew nothing bad could happen when I had Logan waiting for me.
It had been a few days before I left, and I’d taken the evening off packing to spend some time with Lee. I remember how badly my heart ached at the thought of leaving him, but the thought of staying put scared me more.
We’d just rolled off each other after the sweetest, slowest love making, like he’d been trying to convince me with his body that I needed to stay.
“So when are you coming home first?” he asked. “Like next weekend?”
“I’m not sure, honestly. I’m not allowed to have a car there, so it depends on when my parents can come get me, or if I can hitch a ride with Logan. But he’s so busy with his stuff, and so are Mom and Dad, that I don’t think I’ll be home as much as I originally thought.”
“I’ll come get you,” he said, as though it were the most obvious thing in the world.
“That’s sweet, Lee,” I said, pressing a kiss to his bare chest. “But I can’t be coming home every weekend.”
“Why the fuck not?”
Shit. That escalated quickly.
“Because I’ll have homework and tests to study for, and once I start making friends, I’m going to want to spend time with them, doing typical college girl stuff.”
“And what about spending time with me?” he asked, rising to stand. It should’ve been comical, the way he towered over me, naked as the day he was born, hands resting petulantly on his hips.
But nothing about his expression was comical. He was practically murderous, his face pinched in rage, eyes stormy.
“You could always come stay with me on the weekends,” I offered, knowing he’d never go for it.
“I’m twenty-five, Berkley. I’m too old to be hanging out in dorm rooms with college kids.”
“But you could,” I pressed. “If you wanted to spend time with me.”
“Or you could just stay.”
“You know I can’t do that.”
He snorted a derisive laugh, and I sat up, gathering the sheets around my naked torso like armor. “You could, actually. In fact, you should. You’re not going to survive college, Berk. Maybe that’s not what you want to hear, but deep down, you know I’m right. Your family has spent too long coddling you.”
“What is that supposed to mean?”
“Look at you. You’re eighteen and about to go off on your own, but you can’t even take care of yourself. You wouldn’t even be going if your big brother wasn’t on the other side, waiting to shield you from the big scary world. You need me. I wouldn’t be surprised if you’re back home in less than a year, once again living on Mommy and Daddy’s money. Or crawling back here to me and letting me take care of you like I have been for the last year.”
I’d never forget the disgusted shivers that had rolled across my body with his words. I hated that I’d been so na?ve, that I’d let him treat me that way. And then to find out that the whole time he’d been grooming me to be this docile little trophy girlfriend, he’d been showering someone else with the same time and attention? It made me feel cheap, dirty, and used.
When we broke up, I’d vowed never to let another man walk all over me again. It had taken some time to relearn self-sufficiency, but once I’d gotten it back, I held on with an iron grip.
Brent was not Lee; I knew this. But still, I couldn’t help being transported back to that time seven years ago when I was a teenager in love for the first time with a man pulling the strings on my life.
Surprise lined Brent’s face when he pulled open the door to his condo, but it quickly morphed into happiness and excitement.
“Hi, baby,” he said, pulling me inside and right into a hug. His lips found mine a moment later. “Did you like your gifts?”
“About that…” I pushed away and took a deep breath. When I met his eyes again, all blood had drained from his face. “I appreciate it, I really do. And Lexie’s excited, too. But…it’s too much.”
“Too much?”
I curled my fingers into his shirt and pulled him close again. “I don’t need you to buy me gifts or vacations. I only need you.”
“It’s just my way of showing I care,” he said softly.
I gave him a small smile. “Lexie said the same thing. You remember me telling you about Lee, and the gaslighting and other emotional abuse I suffered.” Brent nodded. “That wasn’t the end of it. He was quite a bit older than me—older than you, even—and for a time, I was financially dependent on him, too. I’d let him shower me with gifts and treat me to fancy dinners, pay for gas in my car. Small things that eventually added up to big things. I was so young and stupid.
“But I’m not that girl anymore, Brent. It’s like having war flashbacks. I can’t leave myself vulnerable to that kind of relationship again.”
Brent’s hands settled on my cheeks, and he titled my face up until I met his eyes. “You know that’s never my intention with you, right? I like giving people gifts, and I want you in Vegas with me. Since I’m going to be busy most of the weekend, I figured it’d be nice if you had a friend there to keep you company. It’s nothing more than that.”
“I know, babe. All I’m asking is that, maybe from now on, you run these kinds of things by me. I can try to be better about accepting and knowing there are no strings attached if you just give me the chance to have a voice in the decision. Does that make sense?”
“I think so?” he said, and I reached up to run my thumb over the crease between his eyebrows. “You’re okay with me spoiling you, I just need to ask permission first?”
“Yes,” I nodded, laughing. The weight of the world seemed to lift from my shoulders then, knowing that he heard me and was willing to work with me on this. “It sounds silly, but…thanks to Lee, I’m not great with accepting things I didn’t earn. I like knowing I’m working hard for the things I’ve been given.”
“Okay,” Brent said, nodding. “I can agree to those terms. But…you’re still coming to Vegas, right? You and Lexie.”
I smiled. “Yes, baby. We’re coming to Vegas.”
“Thank God,” he said, shoulders sagging. “I want you there with me. Is Lexie excited?”
“She is,” I said, running my hands up and down his torso. “And so am I. It’s a very generous gift, you know. I think I’ve got a few ideas of how to thank you.”
He quirked a brow. “Oh, really?”
I lowered to my knees before him, right there in the foyer of his condo, my hands moving to the waistband of his grey sweatpants.
“Really,” I said with a wicked grin.
“Oh, if that’s what you’re thinking, I’m feasting, too.”
“What—” Before I could finish my thought, I was off my knees, off my feet, and being swept away to Brent’s room.
At his bedside, he set me on my feet, then, with practiced efficiency, stripped and reclined on the bed.
“Your turn.”
His dick was hard and jutting from his body, and I couldn’t wait to wrap my mouth around it. Briefly, I considered teasing him, but honestly, I wanted his mouth on me just as badly as I wanted to blow him. I stripped as quickly as he had and joined him on the bed.
He only stared at me expectantly. “Well?” he said. “Aren’t you going to sit on my face?”
“I will if you ask nicely.”
Brent growled, but said, “Please, baby, come sit on my face.”
As I turned my back to him and threw a leg over his torso, preparing to back my pussy over his mouth, I said, “I’ve never done this, you know.”
“Given head?”
I smacked his stomach, and he chuckled. “No, you goon. I’ve never sixty-nined.”
“Don’t worry,” he said, giving my ass a little smack. “I promise you’ll love it.”
Then he licked me, a slow drag of his tongue from my clit to my entrance, and I moaned.
I wriggled my hips a bit, and he grabbed my ass, using his thumbs to spread my pussy wider so he could latch onto my clit.
This was going to be harder than I thought.
But still, I lowered my mouth to his flesh, my tongue darting out to collect the precum beaded at his tip. Then I took a deep breath and wrapped my lips fully around him, sucking him in and pulling off with a pop, my hand following my mouth.
I chuckled when I heard a “shit” from Brent behind me.
“How do you like it?” I asked, holding him in place as I ran my tongue up and down his entire length. His skin here was impossibly soft, but solid.
“Hard and fast,” he said, his words rumbling against my sex, which had my back arching, tilting my hips to get closer. “Use your teeth.”
I did what he asked, trying to ignore his mouth between my legs as I worked him the way he wanted. I took him as deep as I could, breathing through my nose and swallowing down a gag before scraping my teeth lightly along his shaft as I pulled off. My hand and tongue and teeth worked in tandem, and the faster I bobbed my head on him, the quicker the flicks of his tongue came against me. It was as though we were racing, trying to see which of us could finish the other off first.
I figured I was a goner when Brent thrust two fingers into me and curled them against that spot only he had ever been able to reach. Trying to coax his orgasm out before I shattered completely, I grabbed his balls and rolled them in my palm, grinning around his cock when he bucked his hips, his head branding the back of my throat.
“Berk,” he rasped against me.
“Don’t fucking stop.”
I was so damn close, and he obeyed without question, suctioning his mouth around my clit, adding a third finger, and fucking me harder. The stretch was impossible, but so fucking good. My eyes rolled back in my head, both from the pleasure rolling out in waves from my pussy and the fact that I was pleasuring him. I scraped my teeth a little harder down his length, moving from his balls to the base of his shaft, squeezing tightly, moving my lips and tongue faster up and down.
After that, we were all sensation, sloppy sounds, and sighs of relief as our releases barreled into us both at the same time. I fucking loved the way he spurted into my mouth, and his groan against my pussy as I came around his fingers while he spilled down my throat.
“Fuck,” he said when I’d swallowed his load completely and pulled away, boneless as I collapsed over his torso. “This is a view I could get used to.” He punctuated his words with a smack then playful bite of my ass.
“I’m not big on balls in my face usually,” I said. “But…shit, if it’s like that every time, I’d be okay with it.”
“It’s never been like that,” he said. “Not for me anyway.”
“You’ve never come like that?” I asked, confused.
“No, I have,” he said, then flipped me off him and moved to hover over me. “I’m a man, Berk. Getting me off isn’t rocket science.”
I frowned. I didn’t like that response, didn’t like considering all the women who’d been here, naked in bed with him, before me. I resisted the urge to cover my chest as I said, “Then what do you mean?”
As if realizing he’d upset me, he brought a hand up to cup my cheek, brushing his thumb along my bottom lip. “Every time we’re together, whether it’s in bed like this, or fully clothed doing something mundane, I feel closer to you than I did the last time. So yeah, I’ve come like that before. But it’s never been that good. It’s never fucking taken my breath away. That’s all you, Berkley. I couldn’t reach that level of pure…bliss without you.”
“Nice save,” I said, unable to hold back my grin.
“I don’t ever want you to think I’m not all in with you. I’ve never felt like this before, Berkley. It’s only you.”
I craned my neck to press a kiss to the tip of his nose, my voice hoarse when I said, “It’s only you for me, too.”
With those words, he lined himself up and slid inside me. I welcomed him greedily, sighing happily when he was fully seated.
Our sex was slow and thorough, and he passed out shortly after, completely sated.
Unfortunately, I couldn’t shut my mind off enough to sleep.
I rolled onto my side to face him, relishing this opportunity to study him. His thick, dark hair was always slightly too long, even right after a haircut, but was always the perfect length to sift my fingers through—which I did now. Dark brows were situated over eyes that, though currently closed, were my favorite shade of blue and fringed by criminally long eyelashes. A long, nearly perfect nose was marred only by a scar across the bridge where he’d broken it in college by taking a puck to the face. Soft lips were framed by dark stubble, a shadow of the full beard he could grow in only a few days.
He was a beautiful man, the kind sculptures were modeled after. While his physical appearance and talent as a hockey player were what had initially drawn me in, that wasn’t what made me stay. That wasn’t what kept me coming back to his side, his arms, his bed. No, I stayed, because I was falling for him, this smart, loyal, funny, sweet, and ridiculously generous man.
Falling in love was terrifying, and giving Brent the ability to hurt me terrified me more than anything, save the possibility of living my life without him.
Brent Jean was the kind of man love songs were written about, but he was also the kind that inspired the heartbreak ones, too. I only prayed our relationship was worthy of a beautiful ballad instead of one of those lonely country songs.