Chapter 14 Toni Roc
Trill-Land, ‘LoLux Estate
Two weeks later…
For the past couple of weeks, I felt like I finally had my husband back.
Not the distant version of Kay’Lo. Not the quiet, locked-in version that looked like he was always fightin’ his own head. I’m talkin’ about my Kay’Lo, the one I fell in love with. The one who loved loud, moved bold, and didn’t give a fuck who saw it.
Soon as we made up, it was like neither one of us wanted to waste no more time actin’ like we wasn’t still crazy about each other.
We ain’t sit down and have no long, emotional talk.
We ain’t break shit down piece by piece.
We just reached for each other and held on tight, like lettin’ go might fuck everything up again.
He took me out on the water early one mornin’, just us, the sun barely up, the boat glidin’ slow while the breeze hit my skin.
I was sittin’ back against his chest with his arms wrapped around me.
He fed me fruit straight from the bowl, strawberries, mango and shit I ain’t even know I wanted, while watchin’ me bite into it like it turned him on.
He kept smilin’ to himself, and shakin’ his head like he couldn’t believe I was real.
“You know I’d do anything for you, right?” he said, real casual, like he wasn’t sayin’ some deep shit.
I ain’t even answer him. I just leaned my head back on his shoulder and laced my fingers with his ‘cause he already knew.
Another day he planned a whole picnic like he wasn’t used to havin’ people do shit for him.
He had the blanket, food, drinks, even candles like we wasn’t outside.
I joked with him about it, talkin’ shit about bugs and dirt, but when he laid me back in the grass and kissed me slow like we had all the time in the world, I shut right the fuck up.
We made love out there, like we was tryna heal somethin’ without sayin’ it out loud.
Sha’Nelle was around for some of it, happy as hell and bein’ a loud ass third wheel. She stayed crackin’ jokes, talkin’ about how Trill-Land men was different. She loved seein’ Kay’Lo spoil me. She loved seein’ me happy, and I loved havin’ her there too.
Kay’Lo took me shoppin’ like it was nothin’. Walkin’ behind me while I tried shit on, tellin’ me to get it even when I said I didn’t need it. There was bags everywhere, my closet fillin’ up and my man watchin’ me like my smile was the real flex.
One afternoon he grabbed my phone and told me to open my bank app. When I saw fifty thousand added, I stared at him like he lost his damn mind.
“That’s for emergencies,” he said, calm as hell. “Or whatever you wanna call it. I don’t want you ever feelin’ stuck.”
I hugged him so tight he laughed, and kissed the top of my head like I was his whole world.
And it felt good… too damn good.
But if I’m bein’ real, lil’ shit started peekin’ through if I paid attention.
Kay’Lo still woke up some nights, sittin’ up rubbin’ his face like his mind was runnin’ somewhere fast. Sometimes he’d go quiet in the middle of a convo with his jaw tight, and his eyes somewhere else. I knew them moments. I always did.
And I noticed somethin’ else too.
When we fucked, he’d pull out every time with no hesitation or awkward pause. I believe it was his way of sayin’ I heard you even though I could feel in his body that he ain’t like it. He never complained or brought it up. He just adjusted.
I never told him how much the birth control shit hurt me. I never told him how what he said stayed with me. I just let love cover it and told myself forgiveness meant not reopenin’ wounds.
We was lovin’ through it instead of talkin’ through it, and neither one of us wanted to admit that.
It finally came out one night while we was sittin’ outside on the patio, watchin’ the water, with the music low and drinks half gone. It felt calm until it didn’t.
“When you think you gon’ be ready?” he asked, lookin’ straight ahead.
“Ready for what?” I asked even though I already knew.
“To start a family. With me.”
My stomach dropped. “I don’t know.”
He nodded slow, but I felt the shift. “That ain’t good enough,” he said. “Sound like you don’t really love me.”
That shit hurt. “How you gon’ say that?” I snapped. “You know I love you.”
“I don’t feel it,” he said. “Not like this.”
“I just wanna take shit slow,” I told him. “That don’t mean I don’t want you.”
“Slow how?” he asked. “We married.”
“I want my mind clear when it happen,” I said. “I wanna be present. I don’t wanna be stressed or holdin’ shit in while I’m carryin’ our baby.”
He looked at me like he couldn’t understand. “How you stressed when I be lovin’ you like this?”
“Because love don’t erase everything,” I said. “It help, but it don’t fix shit we ain’t talkin’ about.”
He went quiet, and that silence felt worse than yellin’.
I ain’t wanna fight, so I climbed into his lap, kissed along his jaw, his cheek and his lips, hopin’ he’d soften like he always did.
But he didn’t.
His body stayed stiff like his mind was somewhere else.
And that’s when it hit me.
We wasn’t healed. We just paused the pain and covered it with sex, trips, money, and affection. And now it was comin’ back whether we was ready or not.
I rested my forehead against his, my heart heavy.
We loved each other.
That was never the problem.
The problem was we was so scared to lose each other that we stopped really listenin’.
My cousin was gone and just like that, me and Kay’Lo had got worse.
Not overnight and not in some dramatic way that you could point to and say, yeah, that’s when shit fell apart.
It was quieter than that. It was slower, like somethin’ rotten settlin’ in the walls of the mansion while we was still laughin’ in it, still fuckin’ in it and still pretendin’ love was enough to hold everything together.
At first, it felt like we was finally back on the same page.
We was touchin’ again and laughin’ again and movin’ through the house like we belonged to each other the way we used to.
Kay’Lo was everywhere, all over me, kissin’ my neck when I passed him in the hall, smackin’ my ass when he thought I wasn’t lookin’ and pullin’ me into his lap like the past couple weeks hadn’t happened at all.
He was loud with his love, bold with it, and anybody lookin’ from the outside would’ve thought we was solid as fuck.
But lil’ by lil’, I started feelin’ it.
It was that shift…
It was that heaviness that came right after the good moments, like every time we laughed too hard or fucked too good, somethin’ else crept in behind it.
Kay’Lo would get quiet outta nowhere or start watchin’ me too close like he was tryna read somethin’ off my face that I wasn’t even sayin’ out loud. He’d ask me questions that felt less like curiosity and more like interrogation, even when his tone stayed calm.
You happy?
You good?
You sure?
At first I brushed it off, and told myself he just needed reassurance, that we’d been through a lot and it was normal for shit to still feel fragile.
I tried to love him through it and tried to be patient, but after a while it started feelin’ like no matter how much love I gave him, it never landed where he needed it to.
And that’s when the arguments started.
Not over nothin’ specific either, which almost made it worse.
It was the tone, the energy and the way every lil’ conversation felt like it had teeth in it.
I’d say one thing and he’d hear another.
He’d come at me with that edge in his voice and I’d shut down, not ‘cause I ain’t care but ‘cause I was tired of explainin’ myself over and over again like my feelings needed to be defended in court.
One night, it finally boiled over.
We was in the bedroom, and I was sittin’ on the edge of the bed rubbin’ oil on my legs while he paced back and forth like a caged animal. He had that look in his eye, the one I knew too well, like his mind was already five steps ahead of the conversation and none of those steps ended well.
“You don’t even see how you act,” he said, stoppin’ in front of me. “Like shit don’t bother you. Like I’m over here talkin’ to myself.”
I looked up at him slow, already irritated. “Because I’m tired, Kay’Lo. I’m tired of goin’ in circles with you.”
He shook his head like he was over the bullshit too. “Nah. You dismissive. That’s what it is. You act like I’m trippin’ for feelin’ how I feel.”
“Because you are trippin’,” I shot back without even thinkin’. “You actin’ like a fuckin’ brat.”
The word barely left my mouth before I knew it was wrong.
Kay’Lo froze.
I saw it hit him before he even reacted. I saw that flash of hurt cross his face before his jaw twitched and his eyes went cold. “A brat,” he repeated slowly. “That’s the type of nigga you think I am?”
“I think you’re not hearin’ me,” I said, tryna soften it but not takin’ it back. “I think you keep pushin’ and pushin’ and expectin’ me to perform emotional gymnastics just to make you feel okay.”
“And I think you don’t give a fuck,” he snapped. “I think you sit there actin’ like nothin’ touch you while I’m over here tryna pull shit outta you with tweezers.”
That’s when it clicked for me.
This wasn’t even about the baby shit no more.
It was about trust and control. Ever since he found my birth control pills, a seed was planted in head.
It was the fact that he felt like he had to dig and pry and chase every emotion outta me, and I felt like I couldn’t breathe without him interrogatin’ me about it.
“I’m not doin’ this,” I said, standin’ up. “I’m not about to keep arguin’ with you like this.”
I tried to walk past him, but he stepped into my path.
“Nah,” he said. “You not walkin’ away. We not doin’ that shit.”
“I am,” I said, movin’ around him and headin’ down the hall.
And of course, he followed.
I went into the livin’ room, and he was right there behind me. I turned toward the kitchen, and he followed me there too, still talkin’, still goin’ off, still tryna force a conversation I wasn’t ready to have.
“This what you do,” he said. “You run. Every time shit get uncomfortable, you fuckin’ run.”
“I’m tryna keep the peace,” I snapped, grabbin’ my phone off the counter.
“And I’m tryna fix my marriage,” he shot back. “But I can’t do that if you keep actin’ like I’m the problem.”
I walked past him again, headed for the stairs this time, and he followed me up like he was glued to my back. My chest was tight now, my nerves shot, and all I wanted was space.
Just fuckin’ space.
I went back downstairs, my patience officially gone, and started dialin’ Pluto’s number without even thinkin’ about it.
The second he saw the name on my screen, Kay’Lo lost it.
“You gotta stop doin’ that,” he said sharply, reachin’ for my hand. “Stop puttin’ people in our business.”
“Get off me!” I snapped, pullin’ my arm away. “I need somebody to talk to.”
“No, you don’t,” he said. “You need to deal with me.”
Before I could react, he snatched my phone clean outta my hand.
That was it, ‘cause somethin’ in me broke.
I stared at him like I ain’t even recognize who the fuck he was no more, my heart beatin’ fast and my hands shakin’. “Give me my phone.”
“I’m not playin’ with you right now,” he said. “You always gotta bring somebody else in when shit get hard.”
“You don’t get to take my shit,” I yelled. “Who the fuck you think you are?”
And that’s when it hit me.
The way he was standin’ there, the tension in his shoulders and the look in his eyes let me know he was fightin’ himself.
I knew him.
I knew what came next.
“So what?” I asked, my voice raisin’ as adrenaline flooded my body. “You gon’ start tearin’ up shit now?”
“I ain’t said that,” he snapped.
“But you thinkin’ it,” I shouted. “I know you. I see it all over your face.”
Somethin’ ugly took over me then, somethin’ reckless and furious and tired of always bein’ the one holdin’ shit together.
“You know what,” I said, my voice crackin’. “Since you like tearin’ up shit so much—”
Before he could stop me, I grabbed the glass off the counter and slammed it onto the floor.
It shattered loud as hell.
I knocked shit over with no rhythm or plan, just raw emotion pourin’ outta me like I couldn’t contain it no more. Plates broke. Glass cracked. The sound echoed through the house while my chest heaved and tears streamed down my face.
Kay’Lo rushed toward me. “Toni, stop—”
“No!” I screamed. “You wanna see chaos? This is what the fuck chaos look like.”
I was cryin’ hard now, sobbin’ so deep my whole body shook, my anger burnin’ out as fast as it flared. My knees buckled, and I dropped to the floor surrounded by broken shit and my own wreckage.
“Get the fuck out!” I yelled, my voice hoarse. “Get out!”
He stared at me like I slapped him. “This my shit too.”
“You might’ve bought this mansion!” I screamed back, pushin’ myself up, “but I turned this shit into a HOME. I put my heart in these walls, and I’m not doin’ this no more!”
He stepped toward me, softer now. “Toni, listen—”
“No,” I said, backin’ away. “I’m done. Get. The. Fuck. Out.”
I saw the moment he realized this was past savin’ for the night.
He set my phone down on the counter slow, like he ain’t wanna make another sound, grabbed his keys, and ain’t say another word.
The door closed behind him, and the silence that followed was louder than any argument we’d had.
My legs gave out.
I collapsed to the floor and cried until my chest hurt, until my head throbbed and until there was nothin’ left but exhaustion and the cold realization that somethin’ between us had finally snapped.
And I ain’t know if love alone was ever gonna be enough to put it back together.
I was slowly comin’ to terms with the fact that me and Kay’Lo needed to split for good.