Chapter 10
The Trill-Land Justice Holding Center
Hearin’ my wife’s voice on the phone every fuckin’ day was breakin’ a nigga down, but I was tryin’ not to fold, and not lose my mind in a place that felt smaller and darker every time I woke up in it.
And under all of that was the anger sittin’ heavy in my chest like it grew a heartbeat of its own. I had already sent one nigga to the hospital last week for lookin’ at me sideways too long, and truth be told, if I see that nigga again, I’ll hit him in his shit again.
Every day I woke up in this bitch, I was waitin’ on the next dumbass to breathe wrong so I could release some of this shit boilin’ in me.
I wasn’t pressed to make no friends. I wasn’t tryna “adjust to jail.” I wasn’t built for this shit, and I damn sure wasn’t gon’ pretend to be.
Every nigga in here could feel it on me, too. Soon as I walked in the pod, they moved out my way like I was walkin’ through smoke. They knew I was two seconds from rearrangin’ the way a nigga walk and talk. I missed my wife, and I was finally takin’ it out on these niggas.
I gripped the sticky-ass jail phone and leaned my forehead against the wall while Toni talked soft on the other end.
Her voice was warm and tired, and it wrapped around me in a way that made my chest feel too damn tight.
She said she had just left the doctor and everything was lookin’ good, and even though she was only three months in she couldn’t stop rubbin’ her belly like the baby was already sittin’ in her hands.
My mama had been right there with her every step of the way, makin’ sure she ate the right shit so she ain’t get sick, keepin’ her stocked with teas and lil’ remedies to calm her nerves, sittin’ with her at night when the stress get heavy, and pretty much holdin’ her up in all the places I was supposed to be.
The thought of my mama fussin’ over her and keepin’ her steady made my heart burn with love and guilt at the same time, ‘cause I hated that they had to carry this without me.
Hearin’ Toni talk about my baby pulled a smile out of me before I even realized it.
“You rubbin’ that lil’ belly already?” I asked, lettin’ a low laugh slip. “Baby, you barely showin’.”
“I know,” she said, and I could hear her smile through the phone. “But it make me feel close to the baby and you. I can’t help it.”
I closed my eyes so tight it damn near hurt ‘cause I wanted to be there with her. I wanted to kneel in front of her and kiss her belly every night. I wanted to feel our baby grow under my hand instead of picturin’ it from a fuckin’ cell.
The silence between us stretched long for a moment. It wasn’t necessarily uncomfortable. It was just heavy.
Then Toni’s voice came out real shaky.
“Kay’Lo… I miss you.”
Those three words always hit me harder than this whole damn jail sentence. I let out a sigh that came from the bottom of my damn soul. I pressed my thumb against my eyelid and tried to breathe slow.
“I miss you too, baby,” I whispered. “I miss you so fuckin’ much. I can’t wait to come home to you. I been thinkin’ ‘bout it every night in this bitch.”
She ain’t speak right away, and that’s how I knew she was cryin’. Toni never wanted me to hear her break, especially when she was tryna be strong for both of us, but her sniff crept through the phone anyway. It was small but sharp, and it stabbed right through my heart.
“Baby,” I said low, lettin’ my voice soften, “what I tell you ‘bout all that cryin’? You gon’ have me over here tryna run through these walls.”
She sniffed again, and my throat tightened up even though I fought that shit.
“I’m sorry,” she whispered. “I’m tryna be strong but it’s gettin’ hard, ‘Lo. I hate bein’ without you.”
I ran my tongue across my teeth and looked at the ground ‘cause I ain’t want nobody seein’ my face right then.
I felt weak as hell, and I hated it. I hated bein’ locked up while my wife was carryin’ my baby at home.
I hated that she went to sleep without me every night.
I hated that my mama had to take care of her instead of me.
I hated that this whole situation came from my own stupid ass decisions.
I swallowed hard and forced the words out.
“Baby… I fucked up. I know I did. I should’ve done better by you. I should’ve never stepped out on you with that bitch. I swear to God if I could—”
“‘Lo,” Toni cut in, her voice full of tears, “I don’t care about that shit no more. I told you that. I love you. I love you so much. And I’m sorry too for pushin’ you away. I should’ve fought for us harder.”
Her voice cracked at the end, and I dropped my head lower, lettin’ my forehead hit my fist. I never wanted to hear her hurt again. I never wanted to be the reason she sounded like this.
“I’m comin’ home to you,” I told her, my voice rough but low. “I don’t give a fuck what they talkin’ about. I’m gon’ be there. And when I get there, I’m lovin’ all over you, and all over that belly. And all over that body. You hear me?”
She let out this lil’ laugh through her tears, soft and shaky.
“All you care about is touchin’ on me,” she whispered.
“That ain’t all,” I said, smilin’ a lil’ even though the ache in my chest stayed. “But a nigga would be lyin’ if I said I wasn’t thinkin’ ‘bout suckin’ ya toes right now. Your pretty ass feet been on my mind every night.”
“Kay’Lo…” she breathed, laughin’ again even though she was still cryin’. “You stupid.”
Another quiet moment passed...
“I miss you,” she whispered again. “I miss you so much. I don’t know how much longer I can take this.”
“You stronger than you know,” I told her. “You been holdin’ shit down like a real queen, baby, and you gon’ keep doin’ it. You hear me? You got my mama right there with you. You got the best doctors money can buy, and our baby. You ain’t alone.”
“But I want you,” she said. “I want you here.”
My voice dropped even lower.
“I know. And I’m comin’ home. I swear on everything I love. Just hold it down a lil’ longer.”
When the time was up, that automated voice came on over the speakers and shattered both of us. Toni inhaled like she was tryna stop herself from breakin’ again.
“I love you, Kay’Lo,” she said soft.
“I love you too, mama,” I whispered. “More than anything. Go eat somethin’ for me. Somethin’ good. Somethin’ sweet.”
“I will.”
“And rub your belly for me.”
“I already was.”
I closed my eyes and smiled.
“Bye, baby.”
“Bye, ‘Lo.”
The phone clicked and the second it did, that warmth dropped outta my chest and left me cold again.
I got walked back down the hall by the CO.
The jail felt even louder than usual. A nigga yelled somethin’ down the tier.
Another one banged on his bunk. Somebody else was arguin’ over damn noodles.
I ain’t care about none of that shit. My head was full of Toni and our baby and the fact that I wasn’t there.
I got in my bunk and leaned back against the wall with my hands locked behind my head.
I felt like I was drownin’ in my own thoughts.
I tried not to think about rubbin’ Toni’s belly.
I tried not to think about her legs tappin’ when she got nervous.
I tried not to think about the way she laughed through her tears.
I tried not to think about how good she looked when she smiled.
But that shit flooded me anyway.
Twenty minutes passed slow as hell. Then I heard footsteps. Two guards stopped at my cell. The CO unlocked the door and looked at me.
“Mensah,” he said, motionin’ with his chin. “Get up. Time to go.”
I blinked, confused as hell.
“What you mean time to go?” I asked, swingin’ my legs over the bunk.
He shrugged like it wasn’t nothin’. “You got bail. Pack your shit up. You leavin’.”
My heart slammed against my ribs. For a second I thought he was fuckin’ with me. Then I saw the paperwork in his hand and the keys hangin’ loose and the way the other CO stepped back like he already knew this was gon’ be a moment.
I stood slow, lettin’ the words settle into my bones.
I was goin’ home…
Home to Toni… home to my baby… home to my family. And for the first time in a month, my lungs actually opened.
“A’ight,” I said, my voice low and thick. “Say less.”
I grabbed my shit.
And walked out that cell…
They had finally let me out this hoe and when that last door buzzed open, somethin’ in my lungs stretched wide like I ain’t breathed in months ‘cause I hadn’t. Not for real or in the way a nigga breathe when he free.
The CO pushed the paperwork into my hand like he couldn’t wait to get rid of me, and I ain’t blame him. I had been givin’ him hell since the day they threw me in that bitch.
I folded the papers, stuffed ‘em in my pocket and walked out with my head high, my shoulders loose and that jail scent already fallin’ off me like it knew not to stick.
The air hit my face warm and clean. I stopped right at the bottom of the steps ‘cause it felt too damn good to rush. For the first time in months, I felt like myself again.
Before I could take another step, I saw a familiar shape leanin’ against a black Cadillac truck with the engine runnin’. Renza pushed off the hood the second he spotted me and started walkin’ fast with that half grin he only got when he was actually happy.
“Boyyyy!” he yelled, rushin’ up on me.
We slapped hands back-to-back, hard as fuck, our palms poppin’ loud enough to echo across the lot. Then he grabbed me in a tight hug that snatched the wind outta me.
“You free, bitch!” he shouted in my ear.
I laughed. “Hell yeah, nigga. I’m out this bitch.”
Everything in me felt light, wild and damn near floatin’. And before I got in the truck, I turned around and looked at that jail one more time. I grabbed my dick with my whole hand like I owned the world and pointed at that bitch with the other.
“Fuck y’all,” I said under my breath. “A nigga out.”
Renza smiled and shook his head. “Yo’ stupid ass gon’ end up back in there doin’ shit like that.”
“Ain’t shit they can do to me,” I said, smirkin’. “I’m untouchable, boy.”