Chapter 8
Remy knew she needed to get over Avery O’Rorke.
She’d known the man for over a month, and all they ever did was talk.
As friends. Every time she thought Avery was going to take their relationship a step further—ask her to dinner or just to hang out after work instead of during her shift—he pulled back.
Avery was the most wonderful man Remy had ever known.
She adored his soft, compassionate gray eyes, his sense of humor, and his sexy Irish brogue.
For a time, she had dared to believe he might be interested in her.
Now, she was forced to face the harsh facts.
The man had had ample opportunity to pursue her, and he just plain wasn’t interested.
Remy was heartsick and exhausted. Tired of the games and the constant, crushing disappointment.
She wasn’t just hurt, she was angry. Angry at Avery for leading her on and breaking her heart.
Remy sat in the break room at work, grateful that no one else was in there eating lunch. She picked up her cell phone and dialed.
“Lucy? It’s Remy. Got a minute?”
“Of course!” Lucy chirped in her usual friendly voice. Remy felt better already.
“Well, it might take more than a minute. Do you have the time and the energy to listen to me vent?”
“Of course I have time for you, Remy. It’s actually a good time. I’m at home just hanging out. I don’t have to go into work for a few hours.”
“Cool,” Remy said. She sighed heavily. “But before I start whining about my problems, are you all right? Jesse says some creep was bothering you last night at work?”
Lucy let out a sigh. “Yeah, it was pretty awful. Avery happened to stop by and cheer me up, though, and Jesse took good care of me when I got home. I’m okay, Rem. Really. Now tell me what’s going on, sweetie.”
“It’s Avery. Ugh, it’s so stupid. I’m all upset about him, and I hate myself for it. I’ve been on my own for so long, ya know? I can take care of myself. I’ve been doing it long enough.”
“I know you have, and I really admire you for it. You have zero support from your family, but you made it all the way through school, and you work so hard. I’m proud of you, even if your awful family isn’t.”
“Thanks, Lucy. I really appreciate it,” Remy said. “That’s why I hate myself for getting all worked up over some stupid guy. I don’t need a man in my life!”
“Of course you don’t, but you need to stop being so hard on yourself. Needing a man and wanting to have a really nice guy in your life are not the same thing. You’re not one of those needy girls who’s always on a manhunt because they don’t know how to live without a guy.”
“That’s true,” Remy grumbled. “I never want to be like that.”
“Don’t be mad at yourself for liking Avery. That’s silly.”
“I guess,” Remy said with a sigh. “I’m starting to be mad at him, though.
I just don’t understand him! He acts like he really likes me, you know?
I let myself hope that he might want to be with me, and then,” Remy choked back tears.
“And then he rejects me every time. Just when I think he’s gonna ask me out or something, he doesn’t.
He might have a girlfriend or something, and maybe he doesn’t mention it because he doesn’t want to hurt my feelings. ”
Lucy sighed, but said nothing.
“God, I feel like such an idiot! I go and talk to him every day, and he probably thinks I’m like some dumb, annoying girl who likes him and won’t leave him alone.”
“Remy,” Lucy said firmly. “I’m sure that’s not true.”
“I just don’t know what to do anymore.” Remy finally let her tears fall.
She took a moment to compose herself before speaking again.
“All I know is I don’t wanna feel like this anymore.
I think I just need to start avoiding him from now on.
I’m tired of these games. I just need to accept that he’s not interested in me, and I just need to move on. ”
“I know it’s hard to understand what’s going on with him. You never know, there might be some kind of reason that he’s holding back. I’ve seen the way he looks at you, Remy. I think he genuinely likes you. More than you know,” Lucy said.
“I want to believe that. I used to believe that. But for my own sanity, I have to just let him go.” Remy wiped her eyes again and silently resolved to be cordial to Avery the next time she happened to see him, but offer nothing more.
She was done making a fool of herself for him.
“The next time I go to Little Round Top, I’m not gonna go over and talk to him. I’m done. I’m so done.”
* * *
Lucy wrapped up her work at the restaurant at 5:30 pm and headed straight to the spot on Steinwehr Avenue where she knew Jesse and Avery would be chatting with Fillis. She was glad the two guys were there, because she had something important to discuss with them.
Jesse smiled warmly as she walked up to them, and Lucy knew she had to stay strong in her resolve. It was all too easy for her to be swayed by that sweet face of his.
“Hi,” Lucy said as she looked down at Fillis and the boys as they sat on the steps.
“Uh-oh,” Jesse said with that boyish grin that made Lucy weak. “Are we in trouble or somethin’?”
“Not yet,” Lucy said kindly but firmly. “Guys, we need to tell Remy the truth about Avery.”
Avery’s face fell. Empathy twisted up in Lucy’s stomach, but she knew this was best for Remy.
“I know it’s hard, but we have to do it. She’s falling hard for you, Avery.”
Avery perked up, his eyes wide. He looked so delighted that Lucy couldn’t suppress a giggle.
“I know that’s good news for you, but she’s really hurting right now. She feels rejected. She thinks you don’t like her.”
“Oh, God,” Avery moaned. “How could she think I don’t like her! I love her!”
Lucy let out a soft, sad sigh. It was the first time she’d ever heard Avery say that out loud.
“I know you do,” Lucy said with compassion.
“But she doesn’t understand why you seem interested in her one minute and the next minute you’re telling her goodbye.
She has no way of understanding why you never ask her on a date.
She’s starting to think you have a girlfriend or that you just don’t care about her.
We need to tell her the truth about you so she knows why you can’t ask her out on a normal date. ”
Avery paused, considering her words. Lucy’s chest ached when she looked at him, and her anxiety worsened when she looked at Jesse’s worried face.
Lucy sat down next to Avery, wishing she could take his hand in hers. “She’s going to find out eventually. At least this way we can break the news to her as gently as we can. Otherwise, she’s going to find out the hard way.”
“Lucy’s absolutely right,” Fillis said confidently. She turned to Jesse. “Boy, you was a mess when Lucy found out about you, ‘member? ‘Cause I sure do!”
“Yeah,” Jesse said sadly. He looked over at Avery. “She sure did find out the hard way. I scared the hell out of her, and that was the last thing I wanted.”
“She needs to know all the facts, honey,” Fillis said gently to Avery. “From what you all told me ‘bout that poor girl, she ain’t had anybody in her life care for her ‘til now. Her own family treated her bad, and the last thing she needs is to think you’re rejectin’ her, too.”
Avery nodded, his expression pained. Lucy knew he hated the idea of hurting Remy.
“Aye, that’s true. She deserves so much better,” Avery said.
“Well, they don’t come much better than you, boy. It’ll be good for her to know there’s somebody out there in the world who loves her. No feelin’ like it in the world.” Fillis fell silent for a moment, and seemed to be lost in thought.
Lucy looked at her curiously. “Have you ever been in love, Fillis?”
“Yes,” Fillis said simply. She sounded tired.
“You were in love with Helene, weren’t you? The master’s wife?” Lucy asked. Fillis often joked about her sexual relationship with the woman, brushing it off as if it were just physical, but Lucy had long suspected there was more to it.
Fillis hesitated in responding, and Lucy regretted asking her something so personal.
“I’m sorry, Fillis,” Lucy said, blushing deeply and looking down. “I shouldn’t have asked. It’s none of my business.”
“Oh, honey, don’t be sorry,” Fillis said in her usual motherly tone.
“It ain’t that I was in love with Helene.
I still am in love with her. Even after all this time.
When her husband found out, I hadda go or he’d have killed us both.
” Fillis closed her eyes and said quietly, “He mighta killed her anyway. I don’t have no way of knowin.
’” Fillis opened her eyes again and smiled sadly at Lucy.
Jesse’s eyes opened wide. “You ain’t never told me none of that!”
“You ain’t never asked!” Fillis said with a laugh.
Jesse stared at her, his gentle eyes full of sorrow. He said softly, “You’re right. I’m always so busy runnin’ to you with my own problems that I don’t ever listen to you. I’m real sorry, Second Mama.”
“Don’t you be sorry, honey. I much rather talk about you than me, boy.”
“Do you miss her?” Lucy asked.
“Every single day,” Fillis told her.
“What was she like?” Lucy asked.
Fillis looked surprised at the question, then she smiled.
“She had pretty brown hair like yours, only lighter. And she had nice gray eyes kinda like yours,” she said to Avery.
She laughed. “At first, I thought she was a terrible snob, just like her husband. All high and mighty like him. Come to find out she was only like that ‘round him because that’s what he wanted. Found out he hit her when she didn’t act right. ”
Lucy put her hand over her heart. She could hear the love in Fillis’s voice when she spoke about Helene. She sounded just like Avery did when he talked about Remy.
“But when he was gone outta town? Oh, that’s when we got to see the real Helene. She’d come down to the slave quarters and play with us. Especially the chillren. Oh, she loved our chillren. And I loved hers.”
Fillis paused for a moment, gathering her emotional strength before she could continue.
No one made a sound as they waited for her to go on. Jesse had known this woman for more than one hundred and fifty years, yet Lucy had the feeling he’d never heard her talk like this.
“She had two little boys and a girl. Loved them like my own. Lost ‘em all when I had to run away.”
Lucy wiped a tear from her eye. Fillis mothered all the soldiers around her, but who was mothering her?
“I lived for those times when her husband was away. She’d come down to visit us, laugh with us.
Was easy to forget our differences durin’ those times.
I fell in love with her when we were both young women.
Happiest day o’ my life was one day when we’s working the fields and she told me she needed my help up at the house.
After she shooed away all the house servants, she took me aside and told me she loved me.
” Fillis laughed softly. “Biggest shock I ever had!
I told her I loved her, too. She and I were secret lovers for more than thirty years ‘fore her idiot husband found out.”
Jesse, Lucy, and Avery were spellbound by her tale.
“The place we lived in was called Bellflower Plantation ‘cause of the beautiful gardens we had all around. Huge, colorful flower gardens all around the place. They was her pride and joy. Oh, how she loved them flowers. My favorite memory is her standing there in the middle of them flowers. She was just as pretty as they were. That’s the way I like to remember her.”
Lucy drew in a shaky breath and wiped her tears.
“Oh, honey, now don’t go gettin’ all upset,” Fillis told her warmly.
“Maybe we can help you get back to her, Fillis. Theresa and I, we’ve helped so many others cross over. Theresa could counsel you and figure out why you—”
“No, no. I’ll hear none of that!” Fillis said kindly but firmly.
“Right now, we need to focus on Avery’s troubles.
” Fillis got up and looked around at all the tourists on the busy street.
“Now, let’s go somewhere quiet where we can talk so’s we can figure out how you all are goin’ tell Remy the truth without upsettin’ her too much. ”
There was so much more Lucy wanted to say to Fillis, but the older woman had made it clear that the conversation was over.
“It’s goin’ be all right, Avery,” Fillis told him. “We’ll sit down and figger out what you’re goin’ say, and it’s gonna be just fine.”
Avery smiled gratefully and followed Fillis’s lead down the street.
Jesse and Lucy exchanged a wide-eyed look, stunned at Fillis’s story.
Like most children, they mostly thought of Fillis as a mom, not as a real woman with a life outside of them.
Lucy’s heart ached for Fillis, and she was determined to do her best to reunite her with Helene.
Fillis was every bit as stubborn as some of her soldier boys, but Lucy wasn’t going to give up until she helped her cross over to be with her family.