Chapter 23
The next evening, Remy went to visit with Ellis at Culp’s Hill.
This time he was visible, and she wondered if he’d been waiting for her.
His eyes lit up when he saw her, the look of hope in his eyes beautiful and heartbreaking at the same time.
Empathy overwhelmed her, and she hoped she wasn’t a fool for opening her heart to him again.
“I’m so happy to see you, Remy. How are you doing?”
“I'm okay,” Remy answered. She smiled and added, “Lucy and Jesse got engaged last night.”
Remy was surprised at the warmth in Ellis's smile. “That's nice. I'm really happy for them.”
“Me too, but,” Remy hesitated.
“What's wrong?” Ellis asked, looking concerned.
“They’re gonna move to Maryland where Lucy’s family lives. I’m happy they’re getting married, but I don’t want them to go,” Remy said, feeling a heavy sadness in her heart.
“Maryland’s not so far away,” Ellis said in a soothing voice. “Hell, lots of us guys marched through there on the way to Gettysburg. And nowadays? It’s nothin’ by car. You’ll still see ’em all the time, Remy.”
Remy smiled gratefully and nodded. Ellis was much kinder nowadays and hadn't said a single nasty word since that horrible day when Lucy felt his death. They sat in silence for a while as they often did.
Finally, Ellis asked, “Do you think I do need Lucy's forgiveness to cross over? Or Jesse's?”
“No, I don't. I think you need to forgive yourself. Theresa and Lucy always told me that's what really keeps ghosts stuck here. They don’t make it to heaven until they believe they're worthy of it.”
Ellis scoffed. “I ain’t worthy. Never was, never will be. I don’t belong in heaven with all them good people. Besides, spirits around here, they got family waitin’ on ’em in heaven. Not me. There’s nobody for me there. Nobody I want to see, and nobody who wants to see me.”
Remy didn’t know what to say to comfort Ellis. He was right. He had no loved ones waiting for him on the other side. How sad for him, she thought.
“It doesn’t matter. I don’t deserve salvation.”
“Of course you do, Ellis.”
“No, I don’t!” Ellis yelled. He looked at her sadly. “I’m sorry, Remy. I didn’t mean to holler at you. But I’m not worthy. I’m a terrible person. I’m a murderer. And even in death, I managed to hurt people. I don’t want to be saved.”
“I want you to be saved. What about what I want?” Remy asked him.
Ellis looked into her eyes and said, “I wish I could give you everything you want. I wish I could make Avery alive again so he could love you and protect you the way you deserve. I wish I could make sure that you were never hungry or cold or lonely ever again.”
“That's so sweet of you, Ellis,” Remy told him, nearly choking up with emotion at his kindness.
After a moment, she said, “But that's not all I want.
I want you to be happy and at peace. That's what you deserve.
You've made mistakes, but you've also had a very hard life.
You're not a terrible person, Ellis. You're my friend.”
“I'm so sorry I ever doubted you. And I would give anything, anything if I could take back what I did to Lucy. Don't you think what I did to her was unforgivable?” Ellis asked plaintively.
“To Jesse, it is,” Remy admitted. Jesse was a kind and gentle soul, but hurting Lucy was the one cardinal sin he probably couldn't ever forgive. “But you don't need his forgiveness.”
Ellis looked weary and hopeless, and Remy wished she could hold him in her arms and somehow make him feel worthy of love.
“I'm going to give you a homework assignment, Ellis, for you to work on after I leave. Will you promise to do it?”
Ellis looked at her quizzically. He lifted his ghost hands. “What can I possibly do?”
“Promise me,” Remy said firmly, but with a smile.
Ellis returned the smile and said, “I promise.”
Wow, Remy thought. There was a time not so long ago that he would have screamed at her for far less.
“Ellis,” Remy said in a soft, soothing voice. “I want you to think back to the little boy you were when your mother abused you. Can you do that?”
Ellis nodded slowly.
“I want you to talk to the boy you once were.
I want you to tell that precious child that what happened to him was not his fault.
His mother did awful, confusing, scary things to that sweet, innocent little boy.
Things he didn't understand. Things he still doesn't understand. I want you to tell that beautiful little boy that he deserved a mother who loved and protected him. One who cherished him and held him in her arms the way a mother is supposed to do.”
Ellis's look of pain and anguish hurt Remy so badly that she nearly didn't go on. Keep going, she told herself. It hurts him, but he has to face it to heal him. Like when Jesse had to pick up Lucy and carry her away from the building. At first it hurt her, but then it healed her.
“Then I want you to think back to the young man you were at war.
I want you to talk to him, too. Tell him he didn't deserve to be betrayed by somebody he loved while he was fighting so far away from home.
Tell him it was okay to be angry, but it wasn't okay to kill those men.
Tell him that he did a horrible thing, but then gently remind him that he can't change it.
Tell that young man he's not unforgivable.
He's not unlovable. Ask him to tell those men and their wives and their children that he's sorry for hurting them.
They're all in heaven, Ellis, and they can hear what's in your heart. Ask their forgiveness. Then ask God for forgiveness. And then, Ellis, ask yourself for forgiveness.”
Ellis closed his eyes and hung his head. His shoulders trembled in a tearless sob.
Please God, bring him home to you, Remy though. End his suffering. Bring him peace.
“I won't give up on you, Ellis. Don't give up on yourself.”
Ellis nodded, eyes closed.
Remy quietly got up and left before he opened his eyes again.
* * *
Over the next few weeks, Remy continued to visit with Ellis.
Sometimes she would give him different affirmations to work on, and sometimes they would just sit quietly together.
But the overall theme of their visits was the same.
Worthiness and forgiveness. The change was subtle, but Ellis did seem calmer and more at peace now.
Avery, meanwhile, never seemed to make any progress. He was still stuck halfway between life and death, between Remy and his daughter, Charlotte. Remy, too, seemed perpetually trapped between the emotions of hope that he could come back and despair that she would lose him forever.
It was a warm Saturday afternoon and Remy, Avery, Jesse, and Lucy were walking down the street after visiting with Fillis when Ellis came running toward them.
Jesse's eyes blazed, and he stepped forward, as if to stop him from getting near Lucy or Remy.
Ellis ignored Jesse, looking past him like he wasn't there.
“Remy!” Ellis said, eyes wide. “I have to…I'm supposed to go to Culp's Hill right now!”
“Really?” Remy asked, her heart swelling with hope for him. “That must mean it's your time!”
“Y-yes, I think so,” Ellis’s voice dropped to a whisper, and his face was filled with horror. “Oh, Remy, I’m so scared.”
“It’s all right, Ellis. You’re not going to hell,” Remy reassured him, but she knew her face probably betrayed her own fears. She was hardly an expert on the afterlife, and it was certainly possible that Ellis wouldn’t make it to heaven.
“I have to go. Now.” Ellis turned as if he were being physically shoved toward his final destination.
“I'll go with you!” Remy said, rushing to catch up to him.
“So will I,” Lucy said. She turned to follow them, but Jesse grabbed her arm so hard that she cried out in pain.
“Lucy, no!” Jesse's eyes were wide with fear. “You can't go there. It's a battlefield.”
Ellis managed to stop running and turned around.
“It's all right, Jesse,” Lucy said in a calm but firm voice. “He didn't die at Culp’s Hill. He died near the railroad building.”
“Who cares? Lots of other soldiers died there! What if you knew one of ’em? And why do you even care about that guy? He practically tried to kill you!” Jesse cried, sounding more panicked than angry.
Remy knew Jesse was right to be scared when she heard the determination in Lucy's voice. Lucy was sensitive and shy, but she was much stronger than people gave her credit for. There was no talking her out of something once her mind was made up.
“Jesse, he's terrified,” Lucy said, her eyes filled with compassion. “And I want to be there to support him. And Remy.”
“Please, Lucy,” Jesse begged, looking nearly as terrified as Ellis. Lucy hesitated just a moment. After all, Jesse was her Kryptonite.
“I'll be all right.” Lucy turned to Ellis and Remy and said, “Let's go.”
Jesse let out an anguished moan.
Ellis stared at Lucy in wonder and said, “My God, you're so brave.”
“You're damn right she is,” Jesse said, glaring at Ellis. “You should never confuse kindness with weakness.”
Ellis nodded, then turned and headed toward Culp's Hill.
The five of them walked briskly toward the battlefield, with Remy doing her best to reassure Ellis that everything would be all right. Avery fell into step next to Jesse, trying to keep him calm and assure him that Lucy would be all right.
They got to Culp’s Hill, and everything was quiet. Ellis glanced around, looking bewildered and petrified.
“Wh-what do I do? What happens now?” Ellis asked.
“I don’t know,” Remy said, wishing she knew what to tell him.
“All you have to do is wait, Ellis,” Lucy told him. “When the time comes, you’ll—”
Suddenly, a large, blindingly bright portal appeared near the rocks where Ellis and Remy always sat and talked.
Ellis staggered back from the portal, visibly terrified for his immortal soul.
“Remy!” Ellis pleaded in terror, as if there was anything she could do to stop the will of God, whatever that might be.