Chapter 27 – Braelyn
brAELYN
“Idon’t know if I should be a nurse,” I said quietly, the grains of sand beneath my bare feet digging themselves between my toes. It was cold out here, but I didn’t mind it, and Nash didn’t seem to either.
“How come?” he asked softly, his eyes cast toward the choppy water.
“Because I’m scared I’ll kill someone.”
He released a breath. “I am too. I’m hoping that fear will make me a better doctor and keep me from getting complacent. But chances are, I will kill someone at some point.”
I shuddered. “I could never be a doctor because of that.”
“Being a nurse is heart and being a doctor is science. I think you’re going to be an incredible nurse. I think your patients will be lucky to have you and will remember you long after you forget them.”
I shifted until my head was resting against his shoulder, but he moved to wrap his arm around me and I tucked into the crook under his chin.
“I think you’re going to be an incredible doctor. You have science, Nash, but you also have heart. The world needs more of that.”
“I don’t have the intuition you have. You see things before they happen.”
Not always, I thought, though I didn’t actually think that. Not then. That thought came later. I tried to hug closer to him, but he wasn’t there. It was just the darkness and ice gathered in my soul.
“Nash?” I called out. I didn’t want him to go. Not yet. I loved my dreams about him even when they made me sad afterward. Suddenly, I wasn’t on the beach anymore. I was somewhere else. The hospital but not exactly that. There were waves of light. Of yellow. Then…
“Systolic is dropping. Is dopamine on board?”
“Yes,” I replied.
“We’re losing him. BP is crashing and he’s in V-fib. Push epi and charge the paddles. Let’s go!”
Except I couldn’t. My limbs were heavy and my body was sluggish. It felt like I was running through water or sludge or sand.
“I think losing a patient is inevitable.”
“I have lost patients,” I told Nash, grateful I was out of the trauma room. That was a horrible shift. A horrible death. “He didn’t make it. He was so young.”
“It wasn’t your fault.”
“Doesn’t make it any easier to manage.”
“It wasn’t Roman’s fault either.”
I held in my sob and clung to him. I loved Nash. He was everything perfect a first love should be. A best friend. A confidant. Gentle. Sweet.
“You need to tell him that,” I whispered.
He kissed my hair. “You need to tell him that for me. And make sure he believes it.”
“I’ve tried. I’ll keep trying.”
“It’s okay to love him.”
“Charge to two hundred. Clear!”
I jolt awake, covered in sweat as my dream fractures into pieces and dissolves around me.
All I’m left with is that feeling. That awful, icky, prickly feeling you get after a bad dream.
Except… Nash. I was with Nash on the beach.
It was the week after we got our acceptance letters to college.
We were at his grandparents’ Martha’s Vineyard home, and not even three months later, he was gone.
I went to BC without him. Skylar started the following year, and we were in the same program. But I didn’t have Nash and that first year was the hardest and worst of my life.
But there’s more. Something else I can’t quite remember from the dream but is what’s making my insides squirm and feel all wrong.
I roll over and face Roman, who is sound asleep on his side, facing me, his eyelashes fluttering as if he’s dreaming. I hope whatever he’s dreaming about is better than whatever I was just dreaming.
Last night was incredible. He’s incredible.
But that’s nothing new. It’s everything else that he’s doing.
Everything else that I’m afraid to analyze and think about and obsess over and feel.
Because where will that lead me? Roman isn’t the type of man who dates.
He’s never had a girlfriend. Not one that I can remember.
Yes, he’s called me his. Yes, he’s hinted that this runs deeper, but is that because it’s me and it’s us?
I release a breath. I could ask him. I should ask him.
But when he answers, I’ll have to be ready for that answer either way.
It’s a slippery slope I’m toying with. An edge I can’t seem to get my bearings on.
Then it hits me. Why I’ve been holding myself back when everything else inside me is telling me to run blindly toward him and never look back. I couldn’t figure it out. But now it makes so much sense.
I’ve loved and lost more than once. They were obviously different, and yes, those losses hit differently too.
Losing Nash was devastating. I clung to Roman because it felt like holding onto Nash.
We had a shared grief and that grief was consuming.
Our friendship became a lifeline for both of us.
I didn’t date anyone until Adam. I fooled around in between and of course, tried to kiss my ex-boyfriend’s older brother.
But the only two men I ever gave my heart to broke it one way or another. I’ve had to grieve them both. Live through the loss. So my fear is real. It’s valid. It’s a byproduct of deep, penetrating scars.
Even if I want to leap blindly at Roman, those scars are what’s holding me back. Not him. Not necessarily. But I also don’t want to run from this. I want to see where I end up. Where we could end up. Even if it’s just us walking out of here as best friends and nothing more.
He looks so peaceful. So perfect. My heart gives a thump.
Something is making me antsy, though. The part of my dream I can’t quite remember. It pulls me out of bed. I use the bathroom and pace around a little in there, but there’s no way I’m falling back to sleep now. Quietly, I pad back into the bedroom. Roman stirs, rolling onto his back, and I freeze.
He mumbles something unintelligible in his sleep that makes me smile, but he’s still out. I snatch my phone from my nightstand and head outside onto the terrace, the warm ocean breeze kicking at my face and whipping my hair behind me.
I’m twenty-seven now.
I’m young and yet I don’t feel that way.
I’ve experienced so much. Seen so much. Both in life and in the ER.
I’ve had sleepless nights at the hand of the ER before.
It’s an uncomfortable anxiety that stirs the pit of your stomach and rattles your mind.
Did I miss something? Did I kill anyone?
Will that patient be okay? Will their families?
I set my phone down on the side of the stone, get undressed, and slip into the pool.
I don’t even know what I’m after or what answers I’m seeking.
I just know I don’t feel right. I’d call Skylar, but she’s sleeping and has been exhausted during her first trimester, and I don’t want to bother her.
But I do need to talk to someone, and while I could call Wren or even Katy, they’re cousins of Roman.
I unlock my phone and dial Quinn.
She picks up after the third ring. “Hey, first-time caller, long-time listener, welcome to the ortho all-night party line.”
I snicker. “How long have you been awake?”
“If we’re asking, I’m on hour sixteen, but in fairness, it’s been a hell of a shift, and I was supposed to take an hour and a half nap two hours ago.”
“But you didn’t?”
“I tried. This is what happens when you graduate early, and everyone thinks you’re a prodigy when you’re actually not. They throw a million things at you and ask you all the questions because they think you have all the answers. I’m fourth year, not a freaking attending.”
“Yeah, but you’re the age of second years, and you’re a gold medalist.”
“Pshft. Like that matters. Where are you and why are you calling me in the wee hours of the morning?”
I put my phone on speaker and rest my forearms on the edge of the pool so I can kick my legs out behind me. “I’m still in Mexico, awake in the middle of the night, on the terrace because my bed buddy is sleeping. I heard a rumor you’re possibly doing some of your residency with the Rebels.”
I hear her moving around in the background and then a door closing. “Never repeat rumors. But I will give that a maybe in the hopes of never. Unfortunately, I am at the will of my attendings. Working with my brothers and father sounds horrible, and I prefer hockey over football.”
“Is that because of your ex or your brothers?”
“Ha! You’re very funny.”
“I have my moments.”
“You don’t sound good. What’s up?”
I blow out a breath and stare out into the darkness, toward the water I can’t quite see but can hear. “I had a horrible dream I can’t fully remember. I know Nash was in it, but that’s not the horrible part. It woke me up. I think it was a work dream.”
“Ah. One of those. Ghosts of ER patients past?”
“Something like that.” I sigh. “I’m keeping a secret from you. From all of you.”
“And does this secret include your sleeping bed buddy?”
“Roman and I… we’re—”
“Ahhhhh!” she screams, and I wince as she’s on speakerphone. “Oh my god!”
“A little louder,” I deadpan. “I don’t think everyone in the hospital and at the resort here heard you. For that matter, I have you on speaker and I don’t want you to wake up Roman while I’m talking about him.”
“Yeah, but I don’t care. Tell me everything. Are you okay? What does this mean? Are you together? Is this just for fun? Has he told you how he feels about you? Have you told him?”
“Whoa, slow down, Nancy Drew. We’ll get to the end of the mystery soon enough. It’s not just that we’re sleeping together. We’re… married.”
A beat of silence and then. “I’m sorry, what? Did you say you’re married to Roman Fritz?”
“Yep. It happened in Vegas.”
She snorts a laugh. “You sound like Mason and Sorel.”
Right. I kind of forgot about them. Mason is Quinn’s older brother, and his wife is Sorel Fritz. “Sorel was a runaway bride, and she married Mason as revenge. Mine wasn’t that. Adam didn’t even cross my mind that night while we were doing it. How weird is that?”
“Weird, but also kind of awesome. Is this a quickie wedding followed by a quickie divorce or is this a lifetime of love and making babies?”
I kick my feet up and down beneath the water surface.
“It started out as the former, and I’m not saying we’re staying married or want to be married because we don’t.
It’s not like that. Honestly, I don’t know what it is now that we’re having sex.
How can we do this and yet be married and get divorced? ”
“It’s you and Roman. Except you’re calling in the middle of the night because you don’t know what’s happening.”
“No clue,” I agree, chagrined. “I’m scared. The only two guys I’ve ever loved…” I trail off, swallow, and mumble, “They didn’t turn out well for me. I’m two for two, with broken hearts to show for it.”
Quinn sighs. “Yeah. But life goes on. And Nash is still there. You know that. You feel that. Hell, you told me you dreamed about him tonight.”
I blink back tears. “I don’t remember what he said or the rest of the dream, though I know it wasn’t good.”
“Losing Nash and getting dicked over by Adam doesn’t equate to a lifetime of hurt. Our future love isn’t dictated by our pasts. At least I hope not.”
“I bet you don’t.”
“My ex chose to follow his dreams, and I chose mine. They didn’t align. I like to imagine the next guy I find will be a better situation. Roman is different, Brae. He’s not the type of guy to risk you or your friendship unless he’s invested. He’s not going anywhere.”
I think about this for a moment. About what that means.
“But am I ready?”
“Only you can answer that. But on the flip side, I can’t imagine you’d risk what you and Roman have if you weren’t.
The marriage piece aside, you’re there with him, sharing a bed, and having sex.
You wouldn’t be scared if it didn’t mean something to you.
More than the fact that he’s your best friend. ”
I take that and let it settle over me. I hold it against my skin, against my chest, against my mind.
“I hope not. I hope this becomes our best decision instead of turning into our worst mistake.”
“It’s all any of us can hope for.”