CHAPTER 8
ADDY
I woke up with a groan of pain. My neck was aching from the position I had been laid in, but that was nothing compared to the full thrash metal band that seemed to be playing in my head constantly. I could feel my heartbeat throughout my skull and opening my eyes only made the pain worse. I pushed through it, remembering instantly where I was and looking to where I had left Eli, with panic.
It had terrified me when he went to sleep before. Last time I had left him to sleep, he had almost slipped away from me and I didn’t want that to happen again. Kane and Asher had assured me he was safe to sleep now, and that he would be fine, but I hadn’t wanted to take my eyes from him. Obviously, I had, since the room was filled with daylight now and Eli was wide awake. I’d slept I realized, for quite a while too, apparently.
“Angel?” Kane said at my sudden movement to get eyes on my brother.
“He’s fine, sweetheart. Slow down. Eli’s absolutely fine,” Asher soothed me from where he sat on a hard chair, between the beds Eli and I were laid on. Well, I was lying more on top of Kane really.
“Easy, Addy. Everyone’s okay. Eli’s feeling much better this morning, and I spoke with Jordan last night too. Adam’s out of danger and out of the I.C.U. Jordan was tired, but I sent him home to rest, and they both have security with them. We’re all good.” I forced in a deep breath and allowed my stiff, aching body to relax a little. Everyone I cared about was safe. That was enough. That was all I truly needed.
“Is your head hurting, shortcake?” Eli asked. I turned to him and relaxed even more when I realized he was sat up on the side of the bed, dressed in his usual jeans and a slightly paint splattered t-shirt. There was a bag on the bed beside him and a sweater I recognized sat on top of it, as if Eli were getting ready to leave.
“Yeah. Are you okay?” I rasped. My voice was almost hoarse.
“Much better. The doctor already came around to see me, and he’s happy for me to be discharged as long as I follow up with a doctor and physiotherapist when we get home,” Eli told me.
“Home?” I repeated hopefully. “Can we go home?” I looked between Kane, who was behind me, and Asher.
“Maybe later today if I can get the flight scheduled, but you need to give the police a statement first. Eli too,” Asher explained, and I looked to Eli with alarm.
“You won’t….they can’t arrest you, can they?”
“No, Addy. Of course they can’t. We were kidnapped and held against our will. Everything I did to get us out of there was to save our lives,” Eli assured me.
“He’s right, angel. Eli did nothing wrong. Neither of you did. You just need to tell them everything that happened so they can get to work tracking down Kline,” Kane added as he tightened the arm he had wrapped around my waist.
“The FBI are looking for Max too, and I have the security company I hired searching for leads. It’s only a matter of time before they catch him and bring him down,” Asher added.
“You don’t need to worry about Kline right now. Let’s just concentrate on you. Tell me what you need,” Kane said as he moved his head to the side so he could see my face.
“Adam and Jordan. Can we c-call them? I need to see them both.” My voice was rough sounding and even talking made my head hurt more, but there was nothing I wanted in that moment more than seeing Jordan and Adam.
“You guys do that. I’ll see if we can get some of the pain meds Addy usually takes for her headaches and grab some breakfast for us all. You good there, Eli?” Asher asked as he looked to Eli with concern. Asher looked exhausted, as did Kane. I doubted they had slept much the night before, or in the days we had been missing, and it was telling in the dark smudges under their eyes and the thickness of the stubble on their faces. They were pale and rumpled looking.
“I’m good, brother. Stop worrying and bring us food. I’m half starved,” Eli said brightly, and even though I could see the smile was forced slightly, likely for my benefit, I was still relieved to see him up and looking so filled with life.
“I’m not going anywhere, Ash. They’ll both be fine,” Kane assured my protective brother.
“You want anything in particular, little dot?” Asher asked me.
“A soda would be good, please Ash.” I wasn’t hungry but a drink sounded like a good idea for my raw throat. Asher nodded and left the room in a hurry, closing the door behind him.
“He needs to sleep. He looks exhausted,” Eli sighed.
“You do too, Kane. Have either of you even closed your eyes since we were taken?” I questioned as I sat up stiffly, pain radiating with every tiny movement of my bruised back.
“We’ll sleep when you’re both safe. We’re fine. We both did way more, on way less sleep in our time in the military,” Kane told me.
Kane helped me up and through to the adjoining washroom. I used the facilities, brushed my teeth, and washed my face. There wasn’t much to be done with my hair, but I tamed the cave woman look I had going on into a messy bun on top of my head and changed into a clean pair of leggings and a hoody Asher had brought me from home. Kane had to help me to get dressed, since I ached so much just bending down hurt, but we managed between us, and I was grateful to have my own clothes and sneakers on when we walked back out to the room and found Eli sketching something in a notebook Asher must have brought for him.
“Feel any better, sweetie?” he asked as he lowered the pad and looked me over.
“Yeah. It’s good to be clean and dressed,” I told him, leaving out the parts about how much I hurt and not even daring to consider telling him how messed up I felt inside.
“It is,” Eli agreed.
“Come on. Let’s get you on the bed, then we’ll try Jordan, yeah?” Kane said as he lifted me up and set me at the top of the bed, fussing to pull the pillows behind me up enough to cushion my back, then tucking a thin hospital blanket over me. “I don’t know why the fuck they make these crappy blankets so thin,” he grumbled as he tucked it around me, then looked to me with worry.
“I’m okay, Kane,” I told him, knowing he was worrying about how cold I had been the night before. A night laid on his furnace of a body, seemed to have soothed the chill that was so deep within me the night before though. I grabbed his arm and pulled until he was close enough for me to kiss him chastely. “Let’s call Jordan, please,” I added as we both pulled back, Kane looking marginally calmer for the kiss.
“Here, sweet girl. It’s a video call,” Kane said as he handed me his cell which was already making the call. “Take as long as you need to, okay?” He leaned in to place a kiss on the top of my head, then he walked across the room to perch on Eli’s bed beside Eli, giving me some space but also staying close, which I needed.
“Hey,” Jordan’s voice came over the phone before it loaded his image. Then his image appeared on my screen and I couldn’t help but smile as my eyes filled with tears. He looked tired and a little pale, but he’d taken the time to style his hair and he was wearing the green hoody I loved on him. It complimented his eyes and dark coloring perfectly. “Princess! I wasn’t expecting your beautiful face,” he told me as his spectacular smile got wider. “I can’t even explain how overjoyed and relieved I am to see you.”
“Me too,” I rasped. “Are you alright? How’s Adam?”
“I’m good. Adam’s in quite a lot of pain, but he’s going to be just fine. He’s awake. He sent me for coffee, but when I get back to his room you can talk to him too, okay?”
“Yeah,” I had to force in a deep breath so I wouldn’t break down. I was desperate to see Adam awake and alive. Maybe then the image of him looking way too still and gray on those once white steps, surrounded by his own blood, would leave me. Yeah right. That image is never leaving you , I reminded myself internally. Nothing would ever make me forget the absolute devastation and terror of thinking Adam was gone.
“Addy? Can you hear me?” Jordan said a little louder and I snapped my focus back to his image on the screen.
“Sorry. I was miles away.”
“Where did you go, babe?” he asked gently.
“About the last time I s-saw Adam. I…I thought he…” I stopped, unable to complete that sentence and forced some air into my rapidly constricting chest. “He was so still, Jord…and the blood. There was so m-much.”
“I know. I see it too, every time I close my eyes, but he fought, Addy. He’s a strong motherfucker, and he’s still here with us. He’s gonna be alright,” he assured me. I nodded and swiped at my eyes, looking up to Kane and Eli. Of course they were watching me with worry, but I forced a tiny smile to try and placate them. “Not sure I can say the same about the poor bastards taking care of him,” Jordan added playfully, making me smile through my sniffles.
“He’s not happy in the hospital, huh?”
“No, he’s really not. He’s pissed that he was shot and worried sick about you. Add the pain he’s in. Yeah he’s a miserable bastard right now,” Jordan explained.
“Can’t the doctors do something? Give him more pain pills or something?” I worried.
“He won’t take them, Addy. He told you about his past, right?”
“Oh God! He’s not taking any pain medication?” I gasped as I realized what Jordan was implying, and just how much pain Adam had to be in.
“He won’t risk it, and I don’t want to push him on the subject. He knows what he can handle. You know how important his sobriety is to him.”
“I know, but I hate to think of him in pain.” I left off the ‘ because of me’ but that didn’t make it any less true. He had been shot trying to protect me, by monsters I brought into their home.
“Don’t you dare do that, princess,” Jordan snapped sharply, and when I looked back up to his image he was sending me a look of reproach. “You are not blaming any of what happened on yourself. Kane, Adam, and I are not going to allow that. You hear me? This was not your fault. It was no one’s fault except the sick fuckers who came into our home and hurt you all.”
“But I brought them to our door, Jordan. If I hadn’t been there….”
“No. Stop right there. We are not losing you to your demons over this. I know I’m not all bossy and shit like Adam and Kane, but I am serious on this. No blaming yourself, no hiding from us, and no running to that place in your head that makes you ill. You are not to blame and I’ll tell you that as many times as I need to until you believe it. Now, tell me you understand.”
“I understand, Jordan, and I’ll try, but it’s so much easier said than done,” I sighed.
“Then we’ll help you, all of us, but that means you have to come to us. No hiding, remember? You agreed to that,” he told me firmly, and it seemed so odd coming from Jordan. He was always the one I relied on for laughter and happiness. I wasn’t sure I had ever heard him be so straight laced and serious with me.
“I remember,” I agreed as I glanced to Kane. He nodded with a small smile at me and his approval wrapped around me like a warm, soft blanket.
“Good. You call me anytime you need to, okay? No matter what time, I want you to call if you need me.”
“I will. I wish I was there with you,” I admitted.
“Me too, so much. But Ash said you might be able to fly home tonight, so that’s good news, right?” I nodded, too choked up to talk. I couldn’t wait to be home and back with all of my guys.
“Okay, princess. Brace yourself. I’m going into the bear’s lair,” Jordan joked as he flipped the camera and showed me a set of glass doors, behind which I could see Adam sat up in a hospital bed.
“Jordan! Wait!” I gasped as I took in how pale Adam still looked, and the numerous machines around him. He looked to be asleep, his head leant back and slightly to the side.
“Deep breaths, angel,” Kane prompted as he came closer and took the cell from my trembling hand. Tears were running down my cheeks and I didn’t realize I was gasping until he told me to slow down.
I pressed my face against Kane’s arm and tried hard to just calm down. Adam clearly needed to see me as much as I needed to see him, so I couldn’t lose it like I was.
“Kane. What happened? Is she okay?” Jordan asked.
“She just got a little panicky. Is Adam still hooked up to some machines?” Kane asked.
“Yeah, shit. I never even thought. He’s okay, Addy. He still needs a little oxygen right now, so he has a tube under his nose, and he has a ton of monitors, but they’re all just keeping an eye on his vitals. He has an I.V. because he needs fluids right now, and they left a canula in his other hand just incase he needed to go back to surgery, but they should take that out later today,” Jordan explained in a hurry. “He’s good. His color is starting to come back and he’s been up to use the bathroom a couple of times, even though that pissed off his nurses.”
“You don’t have to see him, Addy. We could just make it a voice call. Would that help?” Kane asked. He had his arm around me and was running his hand up and down my side.
“We can do that, babe. Adam just needs to hear your voice. He’ll be okay without the video thing,” Jordan agreed.
“No,” I sniffled as I lifted my head and dashed away my tears with my hands. “No, I want to see him. I just….it was a shock. Just give me a second, okay?”
“He’s not going anywhere, Addy. It might be a few weeks before he feels like himself again, but he’s still here and he’s still our Adam,” Jordan told me, and I knew he was right. I needed to get it together. I had been so sure I would never see Adam again when I was dragged away from his lifeless body. But he came through it all. Now I had the chance to speak to him and tell him what I regretted not saying. I needed to take that and stop being weak and afraid.
“Okay,” I said as I sat up, pulling away from Kane. I wiped at my face again and pushed back the wild tendrils of hair that had escaped my bun. “I’m okay now. Hand me the phone please, Kane.”
Kane nodded and handed the phone over, then slipped from my side and crossed back over to Eli’s.
“Do I look really bad?” I asked Jordan as I saw his face on the screen once again.
“No. You look beautiful, just like you always do,” he told me. “You ready?”
“Yeah. I need to see him so much, Jordan,” I admitted. Jordan just nodded, then flipped the camera again. This time the door opened, and Jordan walked right in.
Adam seemed to startle awake at the sound of the door and looked right over to his brother.
“That better not be fucking Ash again. How many times you need to hear me tell you I’m good, you overprotective bastard?” Adam growled. His voice sounded a little hoarse and his color wasn’t right, but as he raved at Asher, it was all him, and I couldn’t help the small squeak of relief that escaped from me.
“I’m so telling him you called him that,” I teased croakily.
“Is that Addy?” Adam demanded as he looked up to Jordan with a glare. “Give me that damned phone, right now!”
Jordan must have handed the phone across because the image went a little skewed, then Adam was there, his whole face on the screen and his eyes focused on mine.
“I love you!” I blurted instantly, tears filling my eyes and my hands shaking even harder, making the cell shake in my hand. “I love you, Adam. You…You s-said it, but I didn’t say it back, and I…I need you to know. I love you s-so much,” I added, the words garbled through my tears.
“I love you too, baby,” Adam told me as his features softened and he looked to my image with a mix of relief and concern, both of which were written all over his face. “Easy now. Take some breaths,” he encouraged when I just stared at him and cried. I was just overcome with emotion and so much relief and gratitude that he was still with me. That he had fought.
“Sorry,” I told him shakily as I tried hard to get some air in and pull myself together. “I just n-never thought I’d see you again. I thought…”
“None of that now. I’m here and I’m good. I’m never leaving you, Addy. You’re stuck with me,” he tried to joke.
“I want to be stuck with you. I w-want to be stuck with all of you f-for a really long time,” I insisted as I looked from him, up to Kane.
“Let’s make a deal that none of us die until we’re at least one hundred years old,” Jordan piped up, and when I looked back to the screen he was standing beside Adam so I could see the both of them.
“Okay,” I agreed. “And w-we all have to die together…at the same time,” I added with a small smile.
“How about we just stop talking about any of us dying? None of us are going fucking anywhere,” Adam grumbled.
“How are you feeling?” I asked him as I managed to get some deeper breaths in and calm myself enough to speak.
“I’m a little sore, but nothing I can’t handle. What about you? Ash said you’d been injured?”
“Just bruises and a headache. Nothing I can’t handle either,” I shrugged. “I wish I could be there with you.” I also wanted to tell him I was sorry. I wanted to apologize a million times over for the pain he was in being my damned fault, but I bit my tongue, knowing none of my guys were going to allow me to do that. But it didn’t stop me from drowning in the guilt of knowing I had brought my entire new family into the eye of the storm that was my messed up life.
“You will be soon, princess,” Jordan assured me.
“I don’t want you coming here when you get back to the city, Addy,” Adam added sharply. Instantly my heart started to pound harder and I felt cold all over. Did he blame me too? He should, but the thought of him not wanting me any more because of what had happened still made my blood run cold. My heart started to break apart as tears filled my eyes. I couldn’t lose Adam, but I had to accept the fact he endangered himself being with me. My world was dangerous and messed up. Who would really want to be a part of that?
“Okay,” I agreed tearfully. “I get that.” I tried hard to hold myself together, not wanting Adam to feel any guilt for doing what I knew was the right thing. Jordan and Kane should follow suit and walk away from me too. Asher and Eli as well. They’d all be better off and definitely safer.
“Ad! What the fuck?” Jordan barked.
“No, It’s fine. I…I understand,” I assured him, the words forced out through my tight throat.
“You understand what?” Adam questioned as he looked from my face to his brother and back.
“She thinks you don’t want her here because you don’t want her, you idiot!” Jordan snapped.
“Jord, don’t! It’s okay,” I cried as my tears ran over and trickled down my cheeks.
“It’s not fucking okay!” Adam bit back. “Why the hell would you ever think I don’t want you? Of course I want you. Didn’t I just finish telling you I was going fucking nowhere?” he growled as he stared hard at me through the phone. “ I love you, baby. Those aren’t words I just say randomly. I mean them. You mean more to me than I could ever put into words. Tell me you believe that.”
“I do,” I replied easily. “I just…you were shot, Adam. You almost died because of me…because of how messed up my life is. I’d understand if you wanted to walk away…if any of you wanted to walk away.” I looked up to Kane briefly, but the scowl on his face had me looking away again hurriedly.
“Addy, what did I just tell you?” Jordan reminded me.
“None of what happened at the house, or anything before that is on you, Addy. You haven’t done a single thing wrong. I don’t want to hear you blaming yourself again. You listening to me?” Adam asked firmly.
“I’m listening,” I sniffled.
“I never ever want to walk away from you, baby,” he told me more gently.
“None of us do, crazy girl,” Kane added as he walked up and perched on the bed beside me again, wrapping me in both of his arms this time.
“You can’t get rid of us that easily,” Jordan added.
“I want you to remember the rules we made. No hiding. No letting that darkness get into your head without coming to talk to us. No blaming yourself for things that are not your fault. You remember those rules?” Adam asked me and I nodded tiredly.
“We made those rules to protect you, angel. We made them because you were struggling to deal with everything on your own and we wanted to remind you that you weren’t alone anymore,” Kane said.
“The last few days have been really, really tough, Addy, for all of us, but especially for you. You know that as well as we do, but you can’t allow that darkness, or those demons in your head to grab the reins again. You have to come to us, or to Ash, or Eli when you need us. You have to let us help you through this, just the way I know you’re going to help us all through it too,” Adam went on.
“ Adam’s right. Those rules still apply, and we expect you to remember and use them. We expect you to come to us when you need to. No more hiding these thoughts and letting them hurt you,” Kane added as he squeezed his arms even tighter around me.
“They’re right, princess. You’ve been doing so great lately. We don’t want you to let this whole episode set you back more than it needs to. We’re here for you and we want you to lean on us when you need to.” Jordan was smiling gently as he spoke, but I saw the worry on his face too.
“I’m going to be okay, guys,” I sighed. “Adam’s right – it has been a really bad few days and seeing you like that Adam…well. I’m not sure I’ll ever get over that, but I will be alright. You don’t all have to look so worried,” I explained to them all.
“Of course we’re worried, crazy girl,” Kane cut in. “You were taken from us, from our home that should have been safe. We’re all going to need some time to get over that.”
“I’ll try to talk to you all more,” I acquiesced, understanding what Kane was saying. They needed me to go to them, so they could feel assured that I was truly coping. “I’ll come to you when things get scary in here.” I tapped the side of my head.
“Thank you, honey. That’s what we needed to hear,” Adam sighed, and he looked even more exhausted now.
“I should let you sleep. You need lots of rest,” I told Adam.
“I’m good. Back to what I was saying before. When you land back in the city, Addy, I don’t want you coming here. I want you to go home and rest properly. Of course I’m desperate to hold you, and I will, but not until you’ve gotten some sound sleep and eaten. You looked completely wiped out,” Adam clarified.
“I’ll make sure she does, man. Don’t worry, Ash and I have got her and Eli for now. You just concentrate on getting back on your feet,” Kane interjected before I could even try to argue.
“Yeah, will do. I’m not staying in this dump for much fucking longer,” Adam growled, clearly annoyed with being stuck in the hospital.
“You need to listen to the doctors, Adam. No discharging yourself before they say you’re ready,” I warned him with a growl of my own.
“We’ll see.”
“I got him, princess. I won’t let him storm out of here before the docs are good with him leaving,” Jordan assured me.
“Just try and stop me, asshole!” Adam barked, making me laugh.
“You boys play nice now!” I teased. That was what I needed back. I wanted to zap ahead a few weeks to when we could all be home again, laughing and joking, the guys all ribbing each other constantly as they often did. I wanted normal back. Normal was good. Normal had the ability to fill me with light and push back my darkness. After everything that had happened, and whatever else was looming to come next, I really needed that light to get me through.