CHAPTER 10
ADDY
“Hey. What are you up to?” Eli asked as he walked into the kitchen. It had been three weeks since Eli and I had been snatched from the house, and Eli was doing a lot better. The wound on his arm had closed up and though he didn’t have full range of movement back yet, he was managing to do everything he usually did, including swimming each morning, which he had resumed a few days before.
“You’re back,” I remarked as I sat up straight, startled by his arrival. “What did the doctor say?” Asher had driven Eli to the hospital for a follow up appointment.
“All good. He said the wound’s healing perfectly and he doesn’t even think I’ll need physio. He told me to just keep up with swimming,” Eli explained as he sat at the table kitty corner to me and turned the screen of my laptop so he could see it. “Community college?” he questioned when he saw the web page.
“Yeah. I’m thinking of taking some classes,” I shrugged.
“Really? What were you thinking?”
“I’m not sure. I just want something that will help me deal with the kids at the center. Maybe counselling or child care? Something like that.”
The center was on course to open in one month. Since Adam was out of action Jordan had done a lot of the work himself, but also brought in some contractors. Most of the work was finished or due to finish that week, then Eli would go in and brighten the place up with his artwork. I had been going in with Jordan to work on setting everything up, including the office, and the kitchen we planned to use to provide treats and snacks to the kids. Ash had the paperwork in hand and we had been through the appropriate checks to work with kids and had permits and insurance in place.
I had tried hard to be as excited about it all as I had been before, and I really had dived into help set it all up, but inside I was struggling, not just with the center, but with everything.
Ever since the kidnapping and our escape I had been spiraling into depression and I knew it. I also knew my therapist knew that, since she had told me so, more than once, not that it had elicited a response from me. Nothing she said did anymore. I took the video sessions on my laptop three times a week to stop my brothers and my guys from worrying more than they were, but I never really spoke other than to be polite. I was done sharing and rehashing my hell. I didn’t want to go over and over it anymore. That was happening enough every single time I closed my eyes, and no matter what, nothing made it better any more.
“I think that’s a great idea. Do you need any help? Do they have like an open day or anything, so that we could go and check out the place?” Eli asked enthusiastically. He was worried about me. They all were. As usual. I tried hard to feign happiness for them, but I was even failing at that lately. The fact I had lost too much weight and constantly looked exhausted and haggard didn’t help much either.
“I guess. I don’t know,” I answered with another shrug.
“I’ll take a look with you, but how about we eat lunch first? Has Adam eaten?” Eli asked as he got to his feet and headed for the kitchen.
I shrugged again, this time with a sigh. Adam had barely spoken to me since he was discharged from the hospital over two weeks before. He avoided me as much as possible and when we did see each other he just barked at me that I needed to sleep and eat more, then disappeared. For the last week he had barely left the home gym and I knew I wasn’t the only one who was worried about him. Ash, Jordan, and Eli were both tearing their hair out that he wouldn’t speak to them about what was bugging him either.
I was pretty sure he was avoiding me because he blamed me for what happened to him, and why shouldn’t he? It had been my fault and I had already fully accepted that fact. The part that I didn’t want to accept was that it was going to take Adam from me, but what could I do? How could he be with me after what my mess had put him through? He was lucky he was even alive.
Kane had been different too. His overprotectiveness had reached new levels of crazy, and he was driving me insane with his need to always know where I was, and what I was doing. He refused to allow me to leave the house without him, even if Ash or one of the others were with me, and any feelings we had between us were slipping away – his because he was more worried about protecting me than actually being with me, and mine because it had gotten to the point where I didn’t want to see him and get another lecture on safety or taking care of myself. It had come to a point where I was actively avoiding him and his surly attitude and I hated it, but that was what it had come to.
The only one of my guys who remained the same was Jordan, and I needed that sameness and normality so much from him. His ability to make me laugh and smile was one of the only things keeping me barely afloat, That and my brothers who, though they were obviously worried about me, tried hard to just create more ‘normal’ for me.
“He’s in the gym again?” Eli questioned when I didn’t say anything.
“Ever since he stalked in here to grab some water from the refrigerator just after nine,” I sighed.
“He’s working too hard. The doctor didn’t even okay him for exercise yet.”
“I know,” I nodded. “Good luck telling him that though.”
“I’ll try to talk with him again later,” Eli said, and again I wished him luck, but this time in my head, knowing it would be a waste of time anyway. Adam was angry and volatile. Talking to him only ever ended with him yelling and storming off. I knew. I’d tried.
“Where’s Ash?” I asked, desperate to change the subject.
“On a call with the attorney. The sale of the business has been finalized. Everything Joseph Lyle ever built has been taken apart and sold off now,” Eli explained with unmasked relief.
“You’re free of him.”
“We all are,” Eli agreed. “So, how about some lunch? I can make grilled cheese again, or we have some cans of soup?”
“I’m not hungry,” I told him.
“You never are any more,” he uttered, but he didn’t let the smile slip from his face. “How about we order in? Do you like Thai food, or we could get pizza?”
“Get whatever you guys want. I’m okay for now.” I got to my feet and slid the chair I’d used back under the table. “I’m gonna take this upstairs and keep looking at the courses,” I added as I closed my laptop and scooped it up.
“Addy, wait!” Eli called after me, so I paused and turned to face him again. Even though I knew and dreaded what was coming.
“I’m worried about you, shortcake. I’m this close to drowning myself to get you to talk to me,” he said as he held his index finger and thumb just a fraction apart to illustrate.
“Like you’d ever drown,” I scoffed.
“Please Addy. We’re all worried about you. I’m losing you and that terrifies me. I need you. We all do,” he pleaded as he walked right over to me and wrapped me in his arms. I instantly sank into the hug, never able to turn down the arms of my brothers or my guys when they offered them to me. It was the only time I felt calm lately – when Eli, Ash, or Jordan hugged me. Kane had stopped almost all affection between us except for the odd peck on my forehead, and Adam never even came close enough to me for us to touch. I missed them both so much. My heart was breaking at the very real possibility I had lost them both, but the only one to blame for that happening was me, and the mess I had caused.
“I’m okay, Eli. Nothing to worry about here,” I said as steadily as I could. Being in his arms made me glassy eyed but I refused to let him see that and start worrying more. He had been through enough.
“Addy, I’m here for you. You can talk to me. Whatever you say can stay between us if that’s what you want.”
“I know that,” I assured him as I pulled myself from his arms and stepped back, gathering myself as discreetly as possible. “I’m fine though. Just worried about Adam.” It wasn’t a total lie. I definitely was worried about Adam.
“Fine. I’ll just have to try and drown myself then,” he sighed as he returned to the kitchen.
“Please don’t drown yourself. It won’t help you, since I’m never ever in the pool room anyway,” I laughed half-heartedly. “I better go. I’ll be in my room.” I barely got the words out before I was darting for the stairs to escape Eli. I hated keeping things from him, but I wouldn’t even know where to start with my issues, and even if I could, what could he really do about any of it? What could anyone do? I was sinking into the darkness that had filled me over the years and I didn’t even know if I wanted to be pulled out this time.
I shut myself in my room and dumped my laptop on the dressing table. I had woken that morning determined to do something positive, desperate to sort myself out. That was why I had started looking at college classes. I had thought it would be something that would get me excited and looking forward.
I had loved college the first time around. But as soon as I started looking on the college website, I started drowning in doubt that I could ever truly face walking into a class of strangers on a regular basis. There would be crowded hallways and noisy groups of people, and all of it terrified me. I knew too much now. I knew what a terrifying place the world could be, and the monsters that lurked in plain sight beneath warm smiles and fancy suits. Entering back into that unknown alone was more than I could deal with and I had already given in.
I lay back on my bed with a deep sigh. What was I even doing, I asked myself. I was lost and I wasn’t even calling out to anyone to come find me. Worse than that, I wasn’t even trying to find a way out myself. It was like I was curled up in the middle of a huge forest with no idea how to get back to where I began, and every time anyone came by me to try and help me find the way home, I lied and told them I wasn’t lost at all. I was a disaster. My own thoughts scared me if I let them run too freely and I didn’t even know what I wanted to happen next, just that I needed something to happen.
My cell started vibrating on the nightstand, so I rolled over and looked at the screen. I had left it there and gone to the kitchen to escape Kane’s constant calls. The vibrating stopped, but I didn’t even have time to complete my sigh of relief before it was ringing again.
I groaned loudly as I leaned over to grab the thing. Kane would be pissed I hadn’t been answering, since he told me when he left to meet his sister that morning, that I was to keep my phone on me at all times and answer it immediately if he called.
“Addy? Where the fuck are you? Why didn’t you answer my calls?” he demanded.
“Hello to you too.”
“Spare me your sarcasm. Where are you?” he barked.
“I’m home, where you left me not ninety minutes ago. What’s wrong with you?” I didn’t usually snap at him, but I was tired and short tempered, not to mention emotional.
“I told you to keep your damned phone with you. Why didn’t you answer?”
“Maybe because I’m sick of answering just to hear you yell at me!” I hit back, anger filling me. “I’m home, Kane. There are security guys, all of whom you vetted to within an inch of their lives all around the house. Eli, Adam, and Asher are all here too. What the heck do you think is going to happen to me? You’re acting insane!”
“I wouldn’t be yelling if you’d just done as I said and answered the first time I fucking called!” he yelled angrily.
“You know what? I’m done with this, Kane. You don’t have any right to tell me what to do, and you certainly don’t have the right to yell at me like this.”
“Of course I have the right. You’re mine, Addy,” he growled, lowering his tone a little.
“You are mine now, pet. You might not know it now, I’ll be sure to make sure you learn.” Hilton was looming before me as I lay bloodied and beaten on a cold, concrete floor. I lower my head as he moves to hit me again, but this time he doesn’t make contact. He laughs as I flinch and fold even tighter into myself, enjoying my reaction. He delights in knowing I cower at his every movement after only being held by him for less than a week. It’s what he wants. For me to fear and obey him. He wants total control of me. He truly believes he owns me, I realize in that moment.
The memory receded as fast as it had come to me and I found myself once again laid on my bed with my phone pressed to my ear. My hands shook and my breaths were coming too fast.
“I d-don’t belong to anyone,” I said shakily, then I ended the call and tossed the cell phone to the carpeted floor, not caring if he tried to call me back.
The tears came as my phone started to vibrate once again, and I knew it would only be a matter of time before Kane came storming in with more anger and overbearing demands. I couldn’t handle any more of it. I knew deep down he only wanted to keep me safe, but he was suffocating me when I could barely freaking breathe as it stood.
I got to my feet and realized it wasn’t just my hands shaking, but my entire body. I felt the familiar tingle in my fingers and toes as I fought to keep control and not let my panic attack grip me any tighter.
I was gasping for air as I clumsily stumbled down the stairs on my shaky legs, but I made it to the bottom and instantly turned for the garage. I had to get out, get away from all of it. I needed to be out of the house that only served as a reminder of what had happened to Adam out on the front step. I had to get away from Kane and his control, and Adam and his hatred. I needed to be somewhere I could just get a full breath in!
I had the door to the garage halfway open when I heard footsteps behind me.
“Addy? Where are you going, sweetie?” Eli asked. Knowing I was busted I turned around and looked at him through my glassy eyes.
“I h-have to leave,” I gasped breathlessly. Eli hurried forward and grabbed my forearms as he looked me over.
“You’re shaking. Is it a panic attack?” he asked as he pulled me closer and supported my weight and my shaking form against him.
“Please Eli. I…I can’t breathe here. I h-have to leave…I have t-to get out. I n-eed to be able to breathe,” I pleaded desperately. “I…I’m drowning, Eli. I’m drowning and they…they make it worse. You have to… understand. You have to l-let me go!”
“Who makes it worse. Talk to me,” Eli begged as he placed his hand on the side of my head and lifted it so I was looking at him.
“Adam…a-and Kane. He want’s to keep me safe, but I…he…he’s suffocating me, and Adam….I don’t even know. Please….please let me go.” I tried to pull from his hold, but he wasn’t letting me go and I knew it, so instead I sank against him and fought to breathe through my panic.
“Ash!” Eli called startling me. By the time I looked up Asher was hurrying towards us from the kitchen.
“What happened? Addy, are you alright?” he asked all at once and I felt his hand running up and down my back.
“She needs to get out of here, Ash,” Eli told him, and I looked to Asher pleadingly, just needing him to give me this.
“Why?” Asher asked.
“Just trust me, brother. Get her to your car and I’ll grab the keys. We’re getting out of here,” Eli said firmly as I was handed off to Asher who scooped me up into his arms.
“I’ve got you, sweetheart,” he soothed as he held me close and walked into the huge garage. “Just try to slow down your breathing, okay? We’re gonna get you out of here, but you need to breathe for me.”
Eli reappeared beside us, keys in hand. He unlocked the Range Rover and Asher opened the back door and lifted me into the back seat.
“Eli, you sit with Addy. I’ll drive. Where are we headed?” Asher asked as he rounded the car. The trunk thudded closed, then Eli was climbing into the back seat beside me.
“Mom’s cabin,” Eli replied.
“We haven’t been there for years. It’s probably collapsed by now.” Asher looked from the driver’s seat at us both in the rearview as he spoke, and Eli just shrugged.
“Addy needs some space and fresh air. It’s the perfect place. No one will be around for miles,” he added when Asher looked unconvinced.
“Fine, but we’ll need to stop for supplies. I don’t want us getting stuck up there with nothing if it snows,” Asher compromised and Eli nodded his agreement. I didn’t care where we went as long as we left the house before Kane arrived, or Adam came out of the gym again. I couldn’t bare to see either of them in that moment. Being before them would be my complete undoing and I knew it.
As Asher got us off of the property after dealing with security, I felt able to relax a little more and breathing became a little easier. I could still feel Hilton looming over me from the flashback, still smell his cigar scented breath around me, and hear those words Kane had said too. You’re mine .
I loved Kane, and I knew when he had said that, that he hadn’t meant it in the same way Hilton had. I wasn’t a possession to Kane and deep down I knew that, but his words had shaken me, especially when he said them with so much anger. His possessiveness and need for control were becoming crazy and I just couldn’t handle it any more.
Add to that how hard Adam had been working to avoid me, and how little he had spoken with me since he came back home, and I was hurting. That first day I had seen him at the hospital, he’d held me so tightly and we’d slept together in that tiny bed for hours, me wrapped safely in his arms. He kissed me before I left him later that day and told me he loved me, which I’d emotionally returned, because I did love him so much. But since then there’d been no contact. No kisses. No hugs. He hadn’t so much as tapped me on the shoulder. He was staying away from me and every single time he did that, it broke another part inside of me. That terrified me, because I knew I was running desperately short on pieces of myself that were still intact enough to break.
“Try and rest, shortcake,” Eli whispered as he pulled me into his side and eased my head down so it lay on his shoulder. “The drive will take some time and you look so pale and exhausted. Please just try and close your eyes.”
“Don’t tell them where we are,” I whispered as I looked from Eli, up front to Asher.
“We won’t, sweetie. Just rest. It’s just the three of us for now,” Eli promised.
Asher nodded his agreement, so I allowed the reprieve of closing my eyes. I was so exhausted - physically and emotionally - that even my fears of nightmares couldn’t keep me from trying to sleep right then. I felt safe with Asher and Eli and I hoped that would be enough to keep away my demons for the time being.