Chapter Sixteen #2
“I think we’ve all done a lot of soul-searching,” her mother told them. “Me most of all. I’ve been trying so hard to manage my feelings that I’ve been guilty of erasing your dad from our lives. And that has been such a terrible mistake that I regret.”
“We’re sorry if we made you feel that you weren’t being heard,” Regina added, “because we definitely listened to you.”
“You were right,” Gemma said. “Dad deserves to be celebrated.”
“So we figured that, even though you don’t like Christmas, we would honor him this Christmas,” Lynn said.
“Oh, but I do,” Bailey blurted out. “This feeling is really new to me. Who knows, I could change my mind next Christmas. But for now I’m sort of feeling the holiday spirit. I’m getting into it.”
“I wonder why?” Lynn asked in a singsong voice. “Could it have anything to do with Landon?”
A chorus of oohs rang out in the room. Just hearing Landon’s name caused a squeezing sensation in her chest. She couldn’t let her family know what had happened or that she was in a world of pain.
Bailey ducked her head down. “I’m not going to lie. I have to admit he’s really caused me to change my perspective. I’ve been so angry. Sometimes I thought it wasn’t fair that other people were happy at Christmas when I wasn’t.”
“Oh, baby, I’m so sorry,” her mother said, rushing toward her with her arms open. “I never knew you felt that way. I’m so sorry for being checked out for so long.”
She held on to her mother tightly as Cheryl rubbed her back in a soothing motion. “It’s okay,” Bailey said. “Losing Dad affected all of us in different ways. I think that we all were just trying to survive it.”
“That’s a great point,” her mother said.
“And if I’m being honest, it’s still hard to deal with his death, but not talking about him hasn’t made it any easier.
I want you all to know everything about him, all the things you never thought to ask.
His hobbies. Where he took me on our first date.
I know you probably remember lots of things, but I’m sure there are a few things that would surprise you. ”
“Can we start now?” Regina asked, crossing her hands in front of her.
“I have an idea,” Bailey said. “Let’s take a walk on the wild side and lean in to Christmas.
We can bake some cookies, make some hot cocoa, and talk about Dad.
And then we can finish off the night by watching Elf and having a pajama party.
” She looked around her, watching everyone’s expression. “Who’s in?”
Her sisters let out squeals of excitement. “Let’s do it,” Regina said. “And we can make it an annual tradition. That way he’ll always be a part of every holiday season.”
“Look at us,” her mom said. “This is starting to feel like a Hallmark movie. Cue the poignant music,” she said, laughing.
Right then and there it hit Bailey like a thunderbolt.
It had never been about Christmas. She’d always known that on some level, but she hadn’t been able to fully cope with it.
The monumental loss. The massive grief that enveloped her every holiday season like a dark fog.
The memories of what Christmas used to look like in their home before the accident.
“This was never about Christmas,” Bailey said. “It’s about some stupid eighteen-year-old who didn’t have the good sense not to drink and drive. That’s why Dad isn’t here.”
“It’s so hard to talk about this, Bailey.” Regina squeezed her eyes shut. “But I agree it’s important to say the things we never said.”
Gemma blinked away tears. “I remember Mom screaming when the officer came to the door to deliver the news. I don’t think I’ll ever forget those screams. Maybe not talking about him means I won’t have to remember his death.”
“The thing is, the more we talk about him, the more we can replace the dark memories with the good ones. We need to hold those memories so dear to our hearts that they never fade. We need to pass down our childhood memories to our children so that they can get a glimpse of who their grandpa was,” Bailey told them.
“And he was a man who loved dressing up as Santa to make us laugh.”
“A man who ate so much gingerbread it made him puke,” Regina added. “I think that’s when I decided to become a nurse. Right then and there.”
“A girl dad who used to dress us in Christmas sweaters so ugly that we won every single competition we entered,” Lynn said, her face lit up with a smile.
Her mother put her hands up to her eyes.
Her shoulders began to shake, and funny sounds emanated from her.
All of a sudden Bailey realized she wasn’t crying.
She was laughing so hard she was snorting.
Little hiccups were coming out of her mouth.
“He loved Christmas so much that one year he lit the shed on fire trying to fry a turkey for our holiday dinner.
“I’m so sorry that I let my own grief get in the way of your healing. I just loved him so much. I felt so incredibly lost without him. One minute he was here with us and the next instant he was gone.”
“The good thing is it isn’t too late,” Bailey said. “We still have time to make it right. Going forward we can change things.”
“And on that note, let’s start baking those cookies and order our food,” Cheryl suggested. “And we have to round up some holiday pj’s, too, for our movie-watching party.”
As everyone filed out of the room, Gemma grabbed hold of her arm and turned her around to face her.
“What’s going on with you?” Gemma asked, peering intently into her eyes.
She looked away from her intense gaze. Her sister was adept at seeing all the things Bailey tried to hide from view. “Nothing. What are you talking about?”
“Bailey, is everything okay with you and Landon?” Gemma asked. “You had a funny look on your face earlier when Lynn brought him up.”
She paused. What was the point in withholding this information from her sister? She was bound to find out soon enough. “We broke up,” she admitted.
“What did you do?” Gemma asked, sounding indignant.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about! Things just didn’t work out,” she said in a low voice.
“That’s a lie! You’re wild about him. It’s as plain as the nose on your face. Again, what did you do? Because I’m sensing that you ended things.”
Bailey couldn’t even look at Gemma. “I did what I had to do,” she muttered.
“Meaning?” Gemma asked.
“Landon wants to stay in Moose Falls for me, and I couldn’t let him do that.
He lost everything because the folks at his laboratory stabbed him in the back and trashed his good name.
His goal was always to return to California and get justice.
How can I let him sacrifice all that for me? ” Bailey let out a groan.
“If Landon chose you over going back to California, that’s his choice.”
“You don’t get it,” she said, tears streaming down her face. “He’s the best person I’ve ever known. He’s worked his whole life to achieve things that most people would never dream of. It wouldn’t be right if he had to sacrifice that for me.”
Gemma frowned. “It sounds like he was sacrificing for both of you so you could be together.”
Bailey scoffed. “And what would happen in a few years? When it settled in that he’d given up all that he’d dreamed of for me?
” She shook her head. “I don’t want to be the person that stopped him from achieving greatness.
I want him to clear his name and make those people pay for what they did to him, even if it means we’re not together. ”
“I love you, sis, but this is the most selfless yet stupid thing I’ve ever heard!” Gemma shook her head and stormed out of the room, muttering loudly.
Bailey had been so certain that breaking up with Landon had been the right move, yet now, after listening to Gemma, she was beginning to question whether she’d made the biggest mistake of her life.
She had never even told him that she loved him, and now she would never be able to say those gigantic words.
What had she done? So many things were running through her mind.
What-might-have-beens. If only she’d had the courage to talk to Landon and ask him face-to-face what he wanted.
Maybe it really had been a life with her, one he wouldn’t regret.
You still could let him know how you feel, a voice buzzed in her ear.
But, if she did, Landon would do the noble thing and stick around Moose Falls. That was the kind of dude he was. True blue and as solid as the day was long. Maybe she just needed to suck it up. Stay calm and carry on.
Was this what love was? A constant ache in your chest. The feeling that you didn’t know whether you were coming or going.
Yearning for someone. The fear that you might have a broken heart for the rest of your life.
Bailey wasn’t so sure about this love thing anymore.
Every single song about heartache had been right on the money.
Love wasn’t all roses and moonlight. Champagne and candlelit dinners.
As far as she could tell, love wasn’t all that it was cracked up to be.