Chapter 17
17
F leur pulled the curtains across in her bedroom, tucked them over huge brass tiebacks, and pushed up the beautiful Irish linen blinds. As she did the same on the French doors on the other side of the room, she squinted as bright sunlight streamed in from outside. A gorgeous, clear-skied Lovely day looked back at her, little patches of sunshine made a pattern on her bedroom floor, and sunshine glinted off the leaves on the tree outside her window.
As she pulled the covers over the edge of the bed and smoothed down the top sheet, Patrick came in the door with her phone in his hand, holding its screen to face her, his eyebrows raised. Valerie’s name flashed across the top of the screen. Fleur wasn’t sure she was in the mood to hear all about Marvellous Marvin’s latest escapades, which had taken him and Valerie across Turkey in their van. Resolving to be nice and positive about her mum living her best life, she took the phone, pressed the button, and smiled as Valerie filled the screen. Valerie had her hair scraped up into a clip and a pink chiffon scarf draped over her bare tanned shoulders.
‘Hi, Mum, how are you?’ Fleur said, injecting what she thought was a cheery, happy, bright tone to her voice.
‘Hi, darling. I’m good, thanks. I thought I’d call to let you know what we’re up to. We are having such an amazing time! The weather has been fabulous as you can see from the colour on my face. It just does something to you, doesn’t it? A bit of sunshine works wonders for everything and now I get to see it every day, not like in the old days.’
Fleur looked at Valerie’s overly sunburnt face and thought that “a bit of sunshine” was an understatement. Valerie’s face was bright red and she had marks around her eyes where her sunglasses usually sat. Her lips looked cracked and sunburnt, too. Fleur decided there was little to no point in voicing her observations. Her mum was old-school and liked to frazzle herself in the sun; the redder and more sun-damaged the better. ‘Yes, sunshine is good. On that note, did Wendy mention to you that I’m going to Hawaii and Maui? She said she was going to.’
Valerie didn’t miss a beat in keeping the conversation focused on herself. ‘She did. As I said to her, I’ve always wanted to go to Hawaii. There are loads of lagoons there. You can swim in them and come up on the other side in a completely different place. For my whole life, I wanted to travel around and see stuff like that and I never had the chance.’
Here we go, Fleur thought. She couldn’t believe her mum was turning the conversation around to the fact that she’d never done much in her life. Rather than being happy for Fleur that she was going to Hawaii, Valerie was rambling on about herself. No change there.
‘You see, I always wanted to go places and explore. I’ve always been a bit of a wanderlust, but, well, you know, there never really was the inclination. But now I’ve got Marvin, he wants to do everything, just like me. I’m so pleased I met him.’
Fleur felt sick at the mention of Marvin and the passive-aggressive digs at the fact that her dad had never taken Valerie to places like Hawaii. She tried not to think about it too much and told herself that her mum didn’t realise what she said was hurtful. All of it was getting a bit old, though. Valerie needed a good talking to. ‘Yes, true,’ was about all she could manage.
Fleur sighed, rubbing her temple as her mother’s voice droned on and on about all the places she’d wanted to visit but had always missed out on. Holding her phone in front of her, she padded downstairs, the thud of her bare feet against the wooden steps the only sound besides Valerie’s never-ending monologue all about herself. Talk about boring and self-centred. It was the same old story every single time Valerie got on the phone.
‘I mean, I always thought I’d go to America one day,’ Valerie pontificated as Fleur reached the kitchen. ‘Not just Hawaii, but all over. Route 66, New York, the Grand Canyon. You know, really experience it. It’s just well, you know how life was then. Some people get to go places, and some people don’t, was what I always thought, but now obviously I know because of Marvin that life is what you make it. You have to lead your life in places you want it to go, Fleur.’
Fleur rolled her eyes and flicked the kettle on, putting her phone against the bread bin so she didn’t have to hold it. She thought about how hard it had been as a single parent; there’d not been many options for leading her life anywhere other than coping. ‘Mm, yes you do.’ She reached for a mug and felt her nostrils go wide in irritation.
‘I mean, it’s not like I didn’t want to go,’ Valerie continued as if Fleur had disagreed. ‘I always had the spirit for it. The adventure was there, Fleur. But you know how it was with your father. Always working, never much for holidays. Never one to just pack up and go, was he? Spontaneity! Ha, I ask you!’
Fleur clenched her jaw as she reached for a teabag. The way her mother spoke about her dad as if he’d kept Valerie locked away and stopped her from living her life set her teeth on edge. Especially now, when he wasn’t even here to defend himself. Fleur felt sad about Valerie, but not because of what Valerie had supposedly missed but more because of the big deal Valerie always made about it. It was as if Valerie was mourning a person Fleur believed had never existed in the first place anyway.
‘Well, at least I’ve got Marvin now. He’s just like me, you know. Free-spirited. Doesn’t need everything planned down to the last detail, doesn’t worry about whether the bins have been taken out or if the hotel has good reviews. He just goes with it. Go with the flow and that’s what I’ve always wanted—someone who just goes with it.’
Fleur let the tea bag steep in silence, pressing her lips together. She didn’t want to argue. She didn’t want to remind her mother that her dad had worked hard so they could have a house, a life, security, nice things, safety. That not everyone had the luxury of “just going with it”. How, in her opinion, Marvin didn’t have a pot to do anything in and was happily living his best life because Bill had worked to leave Valerie in a very nice position. It just wasn’t worth Fleur’s emotional bandwidth to say anything so she sucked it up and continued to listen as her stomach felt as if someone had poured bile into it and was stirring it with a giant wooden spoon.
‘Oh, and the food in America, my gosh, Fleur, you’ll have to try everything! The portions are huge, apparently. I mean, not that I could eat all that. I don’t know how they manage over there. But you, oh, you’ll love it, I’m sure. You’ll have to watch your waistline, though, you do tend to put it on, don’t you? You get that from your father.’
‘Mmm.’
‘Anyway, tell me more about it. Where are you staying? Have you got excursions booked? Oh, you must go snorkelling! You’ve never been very adventurous, have you?’
Fleur’s jaw twitched, if jaw twitching was in fact a thing, and closed her eyes for a bit. As her mum continued without drawing breath, she opened her eyes, stared out of the kitchen window, and watched the way the sunlight dappled across the garden. She told herself that she had a choice; she could rise to what her mum was saying and snap or she could do what she mostly always did and just let her mother talk. She took another sip of tea. ‘Mmm.’
‘Well, honestly, Fleur, it’s good to see you actually doing something. Life just passes you by if you don’t push yourself a little bit.’
‘Yep.’
‘I mean, you never were the adventurous type, were you? At least you’re going somewhere…’ Valerie sighed, a long, put-upon breath that made Fleur’s teeth clench as the bile continued to turn.
Fleur leant back against the worktop, cradling her tea. ‘I’m literally going to Hawaii and Maui, Mum. That's quite adventurous.’
‘Yes, but will you do anything? Or will you just sit on the beach writing stuff in one of your books?’ Valerie sniffed. ‘I always said, you’ve got to experience life, Fleur. Feel it! Taste it! You’ll regret it if you don’t. I spent years waiting for things to happen, and then, well, you know how that went. Some people just don’t take you on adventures, do they?’
Fleur’s grip tightened around her mug. There it was again. The not-so-subtle dig at her dad. ‘Right,’ she said flatly.
‘Oh, don’t be like that, love,’ Valerie tutted. ‘I’m just saying, I know what it’s like to look back and wish you’d done more. You don’t want to be my age thinking, why didn’t I ever just pack up and go? You know? That’s why I’m making up for lost time now. I mean, Marvin, he’s just such a breath of fresh air. Always up for anything, always pushing me to be a little braver. It’s just so freeing , Fleur. You wouldn’t understand until you’ve had someone like that.’
Fleur turned and pressed her forehead against the fridge, inhaling deeply. She wanted to tell her mum that she had done things, like looking after Lucy on her own, like starting her little Etsy business, like holding down a full-time job. Like travelling up and down the country making ends meet. That she was more than capable of having an adventure without Marvin-style chaos and a boho-style striped bandana tied on her head. But there was no point. Valerie had already made up her mind about the kind of person Fleur was.
‘I mean, it’s just a shame, really,’ Valerie continued. ‘Your dad never really had the imagination for it. He was always so practical in that sense. Or would we call it sensible? Oh, I don’t mean that in a bad way, Fleur, don’t get upset?—’
‘I’m not upset.’
‘Good. He was a home bird, wasn’t he? Never wanted to go anywhere, never wanted to explore. I spent years trying to get him to just live a little, but no, it was always, “maybe next year, Val,” or “we should save for something more important, Val.”’
Fleur turned around, her jaw set. ‘You mean, like a house? Or putting food on the table? Or making sure we were okay?’
Valerie waved a dismissive hand past the screen. ‘No need for the amateur dramatics. I’m just saying, he wasn’t exactly spontaneous. Not like Marvin. Do you know, last week, Marvin just decided we should go to a hot air balloon festival? Just like that! And we did! That’s what life should be. Loads of fun! Excitement is what you need, not talking about pensions all day long…’
Fleur exhaled sharply through her nose. ‘Right. And how did that go?’
‘Oh, well, we ended up in a bit of a pickle because Marvin lost his wallet and then we had a bit of a tiff over whose fault it was, but that’s not the point here. The point is we went and tried something new.’
‘Of course you did.’
‘And that’s what I love. There’s so much possibility in the world and freedom, yes, that too. I mean who wants to sit around waiting for their pension day to come around again? Honestly, Fleur, that’s about the extent of some people’s lives. I’m well out of that.’
Fleur took a long sip of tea and stared out of the window, trying to let the irritation slide off her like water.
‘Anyway. We don’t need to talk about me the whole time. Tell me more about Hawaii!’
Fleur arched her brow. ‘Do you actually want to hear about it, or are you going to tell me all the places you wish you’d gone instead?’
‘What? Gosh, you can be so prickly sometimes. Just like your father.’
Fleur clenched her jaw so tightly she could feel it in her temples. She took another sip of tea, closed her eyes for a second, and pretend-smiled. ‘I’m fine.’
Valerie sighed dramatically as if Fleur was being difficult. ‘Honestly, I don’t know why you get so funny with me. Your sister can be the same. I’m just excited for you! I’d love to go to Hawaii and Maui. Oh, imagine it, white sand, crystal-clear water, all that exotic fruit, and the volcanoes and stuff. I was born for it. I often wonder why I landed in some godforsaken boring, grey, English town when I was clearly meant for different climes. Anyway…’
‘Yes, it’s exciting.’
‘I just wish I’d had the chance, that’s all. But it’s not about me. It’s just lovely to think about. I deserved a bit of adventure, didn’t I?’
Fleur closed her eyes briefly, willing herself not to give her mum a short, sharp dose of two very blue words. She took another sip of tea as irritation crawled up her spine.
‘You know, I was meant to go to America once,’ Valerie continued as if Fleur had asked. ‘Way before you were born. My friend Debbie and I had it all planned—six weeks backpacking across the States! Imagine! But then, well, life happened as it does.’
‘Right.’
‘Things just didn’t work out and then I met your father, and you know what he was like about travel. Honestly, Fleur, it’s a miracle we ever left the country at all. I mean, one week in Spain every other year doesn’t exactly count as seeing the world, does it? And would you call Marbella, Spain? Pah, hardly a local in sight!’
Fleur exhaled through her nose and pressed her fingers to her temple. ‘I liked those holidays.’
‘Oh, sweetheart, of course, you did, you didn’t know any better.’
Fleur’s stomach tightened. ‘That’s not what I meant.’
‘All I’m saying is, I never got the chance to do what you’re doing. I always wanted to go to India and America. I don’t suppose you could squeeze me into your suitcase, could you?’ Valerie let out a tinkling little laugh as if she hadn’t just spent the past ten minutes making Fleur’s trip about herself.
Fleur forced a tight smile and attempted a half-hearted chuckle. ‘Not unless you meet us at Heathrow and fold yourself up very small.’
Valerie went on, in the saintly, martyred tone Fleur knew only too well. ‘I don’t mind that I never got to go. Really, I don’t. I suppose some people just aren’t meant to have those experiences, are they? Some people just have to stay at home while everyone else goes off having adventures. Until now.’
Fleur shut her eyes. Her mum seemed to be getting more and more unbearable by the minute. It was as if she was now using any opportunity to tell Fleur and Wendy how much she’d missed out.
‘Your dad never cared about travel and he never wanted to go anywhere. And he certainly never wanted me to go anywhere. Maybe that was the real problem all along.’
Fleur’s eyes snapped open. ‘He’s dead, Mum and I won’t have you saying anything else about it. Stop it! Just stop it!’
Silence. For the first time in the entire conversation, Valerie had nothing to say.
Fleur’s heart pounded in the quiet. She hadn’t meant to say it like that, hadn’t meant to sound so sharp, but goodness, was she tired of listening to the same old sob story.
‘You don’t have to be harsh. I did not spend my life raising you to be rude, Fleur.’
‘I’m not, but just because Dad didn’t want to spend his life gallivanting around in a campervan doesn’t mean he didn’t have imagination. You sound nasty and bitter. It’s not nice.’
Valerie sniffed. ‘Well, there’s no need to attack me.’
Fleur pinched the bridge of her nose. ‘I’m not attacking you.’
‘Right. Well. Good.’ Valerie cleared her throat. ‘Anyway, I should go. Marvin and I have a walking tour in an hour. He loves those, you know. Such a curious mind. So open to new experiences.’
Fleur closed her eyes again. ‘Of course. Right, well, bye. Have a lovely week. Enjoy the walking tour.’
‘Bye, darling!’ Valerie trilled. ‘Love you!’
And with that, Fleur’s phone screen went black. She let out a huge long exhale of air through pursed lips and put her mug down on the worktop with a clink. Every single time she spoke to her mum she ended up wound up. She didn’t know why she still let herself get worked up. It was always the same; the guilt trips, the backhanded comments, the constant, endless self-pity, and the Marvin worshipping.
Fleur was over it but really these days it was just at the other end of a phone screen. She sighed and closed her eyes. Thank goodness Valerie no longer lived in England. A recharge and reset in Hawaii couldn’t come soon enough. Valerie Champion would not be in sight.