Tess #2
So maybe he did know how I felt about him. “Well, he seems to think we need some help.”
“I think he’s trying to be sure we stay together.”
“He should just expect we will. Expect it to get it, right?”
“You learn quickly.” He brought my hand up to his mouth and kissed my knuckle, sending a rush of heat through my veins.
Was this what it would be like all the time with him? I’d never dated a man who’d shown any real interest in being together, let alone staying together. So much of it felt new that I didn’t have experience with how these feelings worked long-term.
Would he stick around long enough for me to find out?
Expect he will.
It was so strange saying something so affirmative to myself, I almost laughed. “That’s such a different mindset than what I grew up with. I was taught to manage my expectations. Wonder how different my life would be if I’d been taught what you were.”
With a sigh, Scott stopped abruptly. “Look. It’s not as easy as Grandpa makes it seem. I know that. We’re rich, Tessa. We get what we expect because we can afford it.”
I studied him, appreciating that he could recognize that about himself. “Yeah, there’s privilege there for sure. But maybe that’s why you’re rich. Because of that mindset. It was your grandfather who earned the money, right? Maybe he was able to build what he did because he expected it into being.”
He gave me a skeptical look. “Are you going The Secret on me here?”
“No, no.” I laughed at his reference to the self-help phenomenon that encouraged people to think a better life into existence. “Like you said, it isn’t that easy. But also, it kind of is.”
It was his turn to study me. I loved that he’d always looked at me like that, like he genuinely cared about my thoughts and opinions.
It gave me room to openly explore the idea that was only just forming in my mind.
I didn’t put much credence into unproven science, but there were significant studies that showed attitude made a difference in a person’s commitment to achieve.
Was it my attitude that had been in the way all this time?
“All my life, I’ve expected mediocre,” I said, “except when I got into Georgetown. Then, I expected that I would and that I’d get a full ride, and I did.
But other than that, I expect all the men I fall for to be unavailable emotionally.
I expect Kendra to never see my value, and she doesn’t.
I expect my father to choose his other life over me, and he has.
Time and time again, I expect to be let down.
I set myself up for failure. I set myself up to lose. ”
Scott let go of my hand and leaned against the wooden bridge’s railing. “Did you set yourself up to lose with me too?”
It was a hard question to hear asked. A pointed one, because it forced me to look at myself and analyze my behavior in a way that made me feel naked and raw.
But I sensed the vulnerability he felt as well, only because I recognized it from the many times I’d bared myself to other men by stepping out into talk-of-our-relationship territory. His asking meant my feelings were as much of an unknown for him as his were for me.
If he could be that brave, I could too. “From the minute I met you, I knew that you were…” I paused, not wanting to offend him, but also wanting to be honest. Honesty won.
“You were the guy who fingerbanged women on rooftops and then dismissed them. I knew who you were, Scott. I knew you were the guy who would take me home for a night. I knew you were the guy who would give good sex because of how many women you’d had in your bed. ”
He cringed, but it didn’t stop me from going on. “I knew you were the guy who’d lose interest, most likely before I did.”
He nodded, his jaw working, accepting the truth of what I’d said. “Well. Stop knowing that. Know something different.”
My heart tripped over itself as it picked up its beat. Excitement? Trepidation? I couldn’t be sure what I was feeling until I was sure what he was saying. “What should I know instead?”
“You tell me, Tessa. What do you want to get from me? What do you want me to be to you? That’s what you should expect. That’s what you’ll get.”
The door was wide open, and as much as I wanted him to tell me what we were and what he wanted, there was a thrilling freedom in being given the charge.
No one had done that before. No one had said, do you want me to be with you?
Then I’ll be with you. Why had I never tried to figure out what I wanted?
Because no one had ever made me feel like what I wanted mattered, and now here he was telling me the only thing that mattered was what I wanted.
My response was easy. I wanted him to love me. Like I always wanted the boy to love me. But with the invitation to say that, I hesitated. Because I wanted him to love me because he loved me, not because I asked him to.
Though didn’t the very fact that he was offering that mean that he already did?
I didn’t have time to process that before the conservatory employee who had let us in approached us.
“Mr. Sebastian said to tell you that he’s feeling tired, and he’s gone home for the evening.
He also said not to rush, and enjoy your meal.
Once I let the caterers out, I’ll be out of your hair as well.
If you need anything, you can find me in the front offices. ”
Scott thanked her for the information, slipping her a bill that looked like a hundred from where I stood. When she left, he turned back to me with a knowing look. “Told you. You know what that means?”
“What?”
He put his arm around me and leaned in as if to tell me a secret. “As soon as our dinner is served, we’ll have the whole place to ourselves.”
“Plus the birds.”
“And the butterflies.”
So many butterflies. Both those in the sky and the ones in my stomach, fluttering like it was a warm spring day.
Scott wrapped his other arm around my waist. “Dance with me?”
“There’s no music.”
“Really? It feels like there is.” We were already moving together to a silent song. Swaying back and forth as we spun slowly.
I leaned my head on his chest. This close, I could smell his woody scent, even with all the flowers around us.
A gorgeous butterfly landed on his shoulder, the color of its wings rivaling the blue of Scott’s eyes.
I memorized the moment—the warmth of his body next to mine, the call of the birds, the beat of his heart against my ear.
I want this. I expect this. I should get this, forever and ever.
Could it really be that easy?
I clutched onto him tighter. “Hey, Scott, do you expect to get lucky tonight?”
“I actually do.”
“What do you know? Your grandfather must know his stuff because I’m pretty sure you’re right.”
He nuzzled his face in my hair. “The question is do you expect you’ll be fucked the minute we get back to the house or that you’ll be fucked here in the butterfly pavilion?”
I leaned back so I could give him my most shocked expression. “Are you serious? Of course, I’m expecting both.”