Tess #2
Instead, Henry and his son, discussing a PR fiasco. “Okay, but it doesn’t make sense. If he needed a distraction, why would he be threatening not to go through with the sponsorship?”
“Well.” His eyes darted back toward the bar, as though he were wishing he’d gotten himself a drink while he’d been there.
It wasn’t a strong enough impulse for him to follow through.
His eyes came back to me. “He didn’t want to use that as the PR distraction.
He wanted me to come up with something else.
I had to convince him, which was why I didn’t try to call you about the press conference until almost ten.
You were supposed to be up there on that stage with us.
Kendra said it was weird not having you there. ” He paused, letting that sink in.
In other circumstances, I might have been thrilled to know I hadn’t been excluded from my own project. In this particular moment, it barely fazed me.
Realizing he wasn’t going to get the reaction he’d expected, he went on. “Anyway, when I couldn’t get a hold of you, I told Eden to send you away if you showed up because I didn’t want you walking in without getting a heads-up first, which was why I didn’t expect for you to hear like that.”
“Hear what, exactly? I’m still confused. What would you have said if you’d gotten hold of me? That your father had threatened to take away the sponsorship and so you’d offered to get married so that he wouldn’t?”
“No, I didn’t offer. It was an ultimatum.
” He let out a frustrated breath of air.
“Look, it went like this: He had a PR problem. I said announce the sponsorship. He said, ‘I will if you marry Kendra, but if you’re not going to then I’m not signing the deal, and you need to find another way to bury the problem. ’ Clear now?”
It felt like there was still a piece I was missing, but maybe that wasn’t important.
“So then you just have to pretend you’re engaged until the paperwork goes through?
” That wasn’t quite so bad. It had been a slow process so far, but that would be, what?
Another few weeks? A month at the most? Was I legit overreacting about this?
“Actually, the paperwork isn’t binding like that.
” He sounded both grave and apologetic. “It’s more about obligations required by the DRF in exchange for the funds—requirements for how they’ll use the money and such.
Assurances that Conscience Connect will get paid.
It’s basically a charitable donation, though. SIC is allowed to cancel at any time.”
The DRF would make a budget based on the expectation of those funds, and Henry Sebastian could pull it at any time? “That’s terrible.”
“SIC is in the position of power. They have the upper hand.”
Of course, that was how it worked. Always protecting the big guy. Always leaving the little guy out in the cold.
Well, it wasn’t like this was my first encounter with corporate America. “So then you have to stay engaged until the funding goes through. Got it. How long will that take?”
“The way the contract is currently written?” His eyes shifted guiltily. “Uh. At least a year.”
“No. Hell, no. Are you fucking kidding me?” He’d have to pretend to be engaged to Kendra for a year, and I’d be...what? His mistress? His secret sidepiece? “No fucking way.”
He ran his hands through his hair. “I know, Tess. I know!”
I forced myself to pause and evaluate once again whether or not I was overreacting.
It only took a couple of seconds thinking it through before I realized I most definitely was not. “Have you even thought about what that will be like? You couldn’t have. You are way too calm to have really considered this.”
“I have thought about it, Tess. Believe me. I’ve thought about it from every angle, and yes, it sucks. It fucking sucks. But there isn’t another option.”
“You haven’t had enough time to be able to say that. The conference was at eleven. When did your dad deliver the ultimatum? You said he was waiting at eight? That’s not enough time to go through all your options.”
“I…” Again the guilty eyes. “He didn’t give the ultimatum today.”
And there was the piece I’d been missing.
“Oh my God, you knew since last week. When you told your parents you weren’t going through with it.
Which is why you rushed starting the documentary.
And Teyana. And why you were so quick to use the sponsorship to cover his PR nightmare.
” The puzzle filled in completely. “You just decided on your own, and didn’t even think to tell me? ”
He shot to his feet. “I tried. You didn’t answer your phone, which now I know was because—”
I cut him off. “We spent four days together. You had plenty of opportunity before today.”
“Yes, I did. And I meant to. Truly, I did. I took you away thinking that all I needed was some time, and I’d figure out a way to explain that you were losing your sponsorship because my father was a controlling asshole who couldn’t stand for any one of his children to be happy.
But then you talked about how much the DRF meant to you—”
“Don’t even blame this on me—”
“I’m not blaming. I’m saying that I knew before, but after what you said to my grandfather, I understood better—”
“And you thought I’d want you to endure a fake engagement for who knows how long just so the DRF would be funded?”
“I thought—” He took a beat, and when he spoke again, his voice was lower than the near shouting from a moment before. “I thought it would be an impossible decision for you. So I made it so you didn’t have to choose.”
I’d wanted him to boss me at certain times, but outside the bedroom it was patronizing and demeaning. “Oh, how noble of you. Making the sacrifice so I wouldn’t have to.”
“Well, yeah. I did.”
“Well, you chose wrong!”
In two strides he was right in front of me. “Did I? Really, Tess, really think about it. Really think about the repercussions of any other decision. Really think about it, and then tell me what you would choose.”
I didn’t hesitate. “You!”
“Really? Without a second thought, that’s your choice?
I would help Teyana out no matter what, which we’d fight about before you let me, but all those strangers suffering from similar disorders?
All that exposure that the DRF would get through this sponsorship?
” I took a step back, but he stepped with me until my legs hit the couch, not allowing me any space.
“You’d feel good about giving all of that up? Because you fell in love?”
I shook my head.
I kept shaking my head.
Because I didn’t know. Because this was bigger than me and him.
Because this was like the trolley car dilemma given in psychology—do you choose to sacrifice one person in order to save a large number of people?
And maybe that was being dramatic because no one’s life was on the line, but it also wasn’t dramatic because dysautonomia wrecked lives, and I wanted to believe that I would choose the greater good, but my heart belonged to Scott, and I wanted to choose him, selfish and wrong as that might be.
I covered my face with my hands. “You’re right. You’re right! I wouldn’t be able to choose.” Still shaking my head, I sank down to the floor. “I wouldn’t be able to choose.”
“I know.”
When I lowered my hands, my fingers were wet with tears, and there was Scott in front of me, stooped on one knee. “It’s not fair,” I said.
“I know.” And when he shifted to sit next to me, I let him pull me into his arms.
He rocked me, kissing my head, while I breathed in the scent of him and drew his warmth into my body and pretended that this was all it would take to make everything right between us again.
But pretending only lasts so long.
“You shouldn’t have told me at all,” I said, and I meant it. “You should have said your father wasn’t going to sign the deal and not let me know it had anything to do with us, and then you wouldn’t have to be engaged, and I wouldn’t have to know.”
He leaned back so he could look at me. “I couldn’t choose that either, Tess.”
“Because you’re not a bad guy.” My voice cracked.
He brushed a damp strand of hair off my face. “I’m feeling pretty bad right now.”
Then I was buried back in his shoulder, tears falling but somehow managing to not actually break down. More rocking. More soft kisses.
Wrapped up like this in him, it all seemed so overblown. Henry Sebastian was a powerful man, but he couldn’t be that powerful. He didn’t have to be that intimidating. If we refused to let him, he wouldn’t be. We could find another option.
“There are other companies that could sponsor the DRF,” I said after a while. “We don’t have to accept that SIC is the only opportunity.”
“How likely would you be able to get something better?”
SIC was the biggest corporation Conscience Connect had ever worked with by far. “Not likely. But expect it to get it, right?”
“That’s a good mantra when applying it to your own fate. It seems irresponsible when the fates of hundreds of others are in your hand.”
I sighed, nuzzling into his neck. “I wish you weren’t so decent.”
“No, you don’t.”
He was the first decent guy I’d ever been with. The first guy who made me feel decent too. It was the magic part about him, and he was right; I wouldn’t really wish he was different for anything.
I pulled back to study him. Being in his arms, his lips so close, needing comfort as much as I did, it wasn’t surprising that soon his mouth was on mine.
Soft kisses turned frantic. Our bodies rearranged until I was on his lap, and we were molded together, and my brain grew too fuzzy to think clearly.
But it was still thinking.
A series of thoughts repeating on a loop. This is enough. These stolen moments are enough. Knowing that he loves me is enough.
The same sorts of thoughts I’d repeated to myself time and time again with other men. With a father who barely acknowledged my existence. With a boss who kept me out of the spotlight. This is enough. This is enough. This is enough.
Say it enough times, you’ll believe it.
Not anymore.