—Julian—
Then
Isat in my car with a bottle of TX Straight Bourbon Whiskey in my grasp, staring at a house that held one big, happy family.
For the last three hours, my car was parked behind a huge oak tree.
No one could see me, not that anyone was looking.
I chugged my bottle, drinking away the uncertainty of what I was going through.
I didn’t think I had it in me, but there I was…
Sitting.
Waiting.
Fucking numb.
I’d only just searched for her in the last month, never imagining I’d actually find her.
Them.
Their toys were scattered all through the yard, there was even a fucking basketball hoop in the driveway.
A white picket fence circled their home with a bright red door.
This house was straight out of a Home and Gardens magazine.
The grass was perfectly cut, flowers and plants accentuated the property flawlessly.
There was a white swing on the porch with pillows and a blanket.
This house was everything you would want to raise a family in.
When an Audi SUV pulled into the driveway, the next thing I knew, I was getting out of my car, watching as they exited their vehicle too.
The woman stepped out last, heading straight toward the back-passenger seats where she opened the door to reveal a car seat.
She unstrapped a baby and pulled it into her arms as two other kids flew out and hauled ass toward their father, who was walking out the front door.
A boy.
Two girls.
Three children.
Happy.
Laughing.
Loved.
I was powerless, unable to stop myself from witnessing the reality of a family I wasn’t good enough for.
I couldn’t help but notice that the man was an older version of me.
He was sporting a beard with gray hair intermixed, and it was also around the temples of his head.
Though, it was his piercing blue eyes that caught my attention the most—they mirrored my own.
It was almost like I was looking into a mirror of what my appearance would be in thirty years.
I didn’t expect to see him or meet him. I was only prepared for her. After all these years, I always assumed she was the one who gave me up. Now to learn that it was both of them triggered feelings I didn’t know I felt until that very moment.
Sadness.
Confusion.
Abandonment.
The emotions were endless, piling up one right after the other.
Taking a deep, reassuring breath, I inhaled through my nose and exhaled out of my mouth, trying to shake off the bullshit they evoked. From then on everything sort of played out in slow motion.
The man greeted, “Hey, honey,” kissing her on the lips.
She responded, “Hey,” smiling lovingly at him. “Can you help me with this little guy?”
He smiled and grabbed their son from her arms, throwing him up in the air, making the baby squeal in delight. I felt as if my body was giving out on me—the emotions were ruthlessly taking ahold of me.
Why didn’t they want me? What was wrong with me? Why was I so easy to give up? Why not them?
Maybe they were too young and thought I’d ruin their future. We might have looked the same, but I would never abandon my kid to the fucking system of all places.
One thought led to the next, making me sick to my stomach. I never considered them still being together and having a family. I wanted to give them the benefit of the doubt. But the longer I stood there, the further my resentment and anger grew.
It wasn’t until the woman’s gaze found mine through the yard that I truly wanted to scream, “Why didn’t you want me?”
She didn’t move.
She didn’t speak.
She didn’t show me anything.
Nothing of what I’d hoped I’d see.
Seconds, minutes, hours could have flown by, and not once did I look away, openly showing her my agony and dismay.
She knew who I was, that much I could see.
Except, she didn’t give a flying fuck. She was the woman who’d brought me into this world, and at that moment, it was obvious that it was all she’d ever be.
I wasn’t her son. I was just an accident and mistake she gotten rid of.
She must have read my mind, because she simply turned and left.
Everyone followed her into their home, and I continued to stand there and consider my options.
I could knock on their door, make a big, ugly scene.
Confront them, ask them everything, but in the end it wouldn’t matter.
It wouldn’t change one damn thing.
Instead of getting answers, I locked up my emotions like they never existed to begin with.
Getting in my car, I left. Wanting to get lost and not be found.
My mind was a jumbled mess of what the fucks.
My head was pounding so hard I could barely see straight.
It felt like a hammer was beating in my skull.
I drove around aimlessly, drinking away my sorrows before I snapped out of whatever stupor I was in. The last thing I needed was to get a DUI. By the time I’d made it back to my house, it was well into the night. Past midnight. The whiskey was long gone, and all I had left was my misery.
Christian wasn’t home, which meant he was at his girlfriend’s, or should I say fiancée now.
Seeing as he’d asked her to marry him a couple months ago, spending more time at her place ever since.
I was glad he’d found someone to spend the rest of his life with.
That future wasn’t in the cards for me, not when I couldn’t be with the one I wanted the most.
“Get your shit together,” I uttered to myself, wanting to wash away the day and the booze.
I walked into my bathroom to take a quick shower, and after I pulled my shirt off, I remembered I’d left my toiletries in Christian’s bathroom.
The drain in my shower was clogged, and I’d forgot to pick up Drano to fix it.
Grabbing a beer out of the fridge first, I made my way into his bedroom and stopped dead in my tracks when I saw her.
Sleeping.
Peaceful.
Fucking beautiful.
Christian gave her a key to our place in case we lost ours, and I was beyond grateful for it.
Especially then. Her head was on a pillow, wrapped in a throw blanket she’d bought me for my twenty-fourth birthday last month.
She must have gone into my bedroom and grabbed it before she’d fallen asleep in her brother’s bed.
Over the last year, since she’d turned seventeen, I’d kept her at arm’s length.
Pushing her away was the only way I knew how to live.
She wasn’t mine and never would be, yet I couldn’t stop myself from picking her up and carrying her into my bed with me.
Softly, I laid her on my pillow, watching her for a minute.
Fuck, she was gorgeous.
There was no resisting the urge to feel her beneath my body. Careful not to wake her, I laid on top of her and caged her in with my arms around her face. She fit seamlessly against my chest.
“Kid,” I whispered, faintly rubbing my lips on her mouth.
“Mmm…” she groaned, stirring awake.
“Wake up, Sleeping Beauty.”
Her eyes fluttered, but sleep won out.
“Autumn, if you wake up, I’ll give you anything you want.”
“Mmm-hmm,” she hummed as I kissed my way down her neck.
Once I reached the top of her breasts, I lightly bit her hard nipple through her dress. Her breathing hitched, and her eyes snapped open, big and wide. Coming face-to-face with the last person she expected to see hovering above her.
The world seemed to stop spinning, stop moving, and time just sort of stood still for us. In the last year there were times I couldn’t help myself and gave into the temptation that was her mouth.
We’d kissed.
Made out.
Nothing went further than dry fucking. Anytime we got close, my reaction was to push her further away the next time I saw her.
She hated me for it but loved me way more.
I was toxic for her—she was poison for me.
With the way I was feeling that night, I needed her in a way I’d never needed anyone in all my life.
Her warmth.
Her comfort.
Her love.
Home.
Despite the dim lighting in my room, I could still see her bright green eyes grasping the compromising position we were currently in.
“How did I get in here?”
“I carried you.”
“Oh.” Her eyebrows pinched together. My demons might have been silenced by her presence, but Autumn’s was lying right on top of her. “Why?”
“Because I wanted you in my bed.”
She searched for something in my gaze, narrowing her eyes. “I must have fallen asleep.”
“Why were you waiting for Christian?”
“I wasn’t. I was waiting for you.”
“For me?”
“Yeah.”
“Why?”
“I don’t know. I was heading home from a study group, and out of nowhere it felt like you needed me. By the expression on your face, Julian, I was right. Are you okay?”
“I am now.”
“What’s wrong?”
“I don’t want to talk about it.”
“You never want to talk about anything.” She placed her hand over my heart. “Please don’t push me away. Just let me in.”
“Kid, I’ve let you in so much I don’t know how to kick you out.”
“I’m not a little girl anymore.”
“I can see that.”
“I’m eighteen now.”
“I know how old you are, Autumn.”
Almost immediately my mind battled my heart, raging a war I never had a chance to survive. It was her innocence and vulnerability that were eating me alive, swallowing me whole. There was no denying our connection, and for the first time in our relationship, I sought refuge within her.
“Will you tell me later?”
“There’s nothing to tell.”
“Julian…”
“Don’t whine, kid. I don’t like it.”
“I’m not whining. I’m just trying to be here for you.”
“You are. You’re lying beneath me. It’s all I need right now.”
“Have you been drinking? You smell like whiskey.”
I smiled, rubbing my lips against her mouth.
“Have you eaten?”
“No.” I grinned. “Are you offering?”
She giggled. “You’re drunk.”
“And you’re breathtaking. Do you know that? Do you have any idea how fucking beautiful you are?”
She blushed, making her freckles much more enticing.
“Those freckles of yours are going to be the end of me.”
She rolled her eyes. “I hate them. I can’t wait to get them lasered off.”
“Your long red hair and the scattered freckles on your nose and cheeks are two of my favorite traits about you. Don’t ever change, Autumn. You’re perfect just the way you are.”
She blushed again, biting her bottom lip.
“Your pouty mouth is another one of my favorites.”
“Oh, yeah? What else?”
“Your green eyes. They show me everything I need to know.”
“So you love my face the most?”
“No. Your perky tits, your slender waist, your luscious ass, I like those too.”
She chuckled, stirring my cock to twitch.
“But it’s your laugh, your smile, your heart, the way you can see through my bullshit—it’s what really takes ahold of me.”
She mischievously smirked. “See through it or put up with it?”
“Either or.”
I knew one thing for sure, tonight I wouldn’t be pushing her away. Giving into temptation, I claimed her lips.
With no intention … of just stopping there.