Chapter 35
Thirty-Five
Finn
“What do you mean?”
The question sounds stupid even to my own ears.
Not because I don’t understand the words.
But because I understand them perfectly and my brain keeps trying to reject them anyway.
Your replacement.
Your. Replacement.
But I’m supposed to be part of them, part of this family.
Except when I look at Rhodes, he’s just standing there, expression blank, his body looking like it’s been carved out of stone.
“I need you to be here for Chloe,” he says.
I stare at him.
Realize with awful clarity that he doesn’t say for us.
Doesn’t say for me.
Doesn’t say because I want you here.
Just Chloe.
Only Chloe.
And something in my soul splinters.
“I don’t understand,” I whisper. “I am here for Chloe.”
“Except that you’re planning to flit off on a vacation in a couple of months.”
I flinch.
Because he knows—or he thinks he knows.
And suddenly everything makes sense. The weirdness. The distance. The locked office door. The way he wouldn’t look at me this morning and how he avoided me before the game.
He thinks I’m leaving them.
No.
It’s more than that.
He thinks I’m choosing to leave them.
“I need someone reliable,” he says, his voice colder now. “Someone who’s going to follow through on their commitments. Not some irresponsible little girl who—”
I turn to leave.
I don’t need to listen to the rest.
I’ve heard this all before.
So many times over.
The people in my life, the people who are supposed to love me realizing…
I’m not what they want.
I’m not responsible enough or successful enough or smart enough or…
I’m just…not enough.
So I let the silence fill up with all the things I’m not prepared to say.
The worst part is that some stupid, traitorous part of me still wants him to take it all back, for him to tell me he doesn’t mean it.
He doesn’t.
So I hold the stack of papers in my hands tighter, turn toward the door.
But something stops me, and I spin back, searching his eyes.
I don’t know what I want to find there, what I’m hoping will magically appear…
But all I find in the deep brown depths of his gaze is—
The truth.
He doesn’t think I’m enough either.
Crack.
I swear I actually feel my heart fracture, and when I look down, I almost expect to see my chest ripped open, to find myself bleeding out.
But I’m whole.
I close my eyes at that agonizing lie, at the painful irony.
Then I blow out a breath, peel back my lids, keep holding the stack of applications for my fucking replacement, and…I walk out of his office.
At least I can make sure Chloe gets someone nice.
Someone who’ll love her.
Because Rhodes has made it very clear I won’t be around to do that.
I make it as far as the kitchen where I see my notebook, see the travel plans I’ve been working on so painstakingly, and my knees nearly give way.
Blinking back tears, I lock them.
And breathe.
This isn’t right, but…
Part of me knows this isn’t my Rhodes talking.
It can’t be.
Right?
The only way to know sometimes is to do the thing you’re most scared of.
“Be brave, Finn,” I whisper, dropping the applications to the counter.
Then I grab my papers—the ones with the travel plans I’ve been putting together, the plans that include him and Chloe—and I march right back into his office.
“I need to talk to you about—”
His eyes come to mine, cool and distant. “Are you still going on your trip?”
“Yes.” My throat works. “But—”
“Then we have nothing to talk about.”
“I need—”
“God, what?” he snaps. “What could you possibly need now?”
I flinch again, the wound inside me growing, the sharp question somehow hurting me even more deeply than his words from before had.
Still, I keep trying to be brave.
Because this is important.
It’s special.
It’s worth fighting for.
“Please stop,” I whisper. “Please stop and listen to me.”
“You’re just making this worse.” A pause. “For all of us.”
For me. For him.
For Chloe.
I look down at the papers in my hands and suddenly my plans don’t seem like nearly enough. A couple of trains, some stupid places to visit, an idiotic trip that he probably would never want to take in the first place.
But still, for one brief, painful second, I nearly hand the stack to him.
Nearly tell him I want him and Chloe to come with me.
That after all we’ve been through, I can’t dream of leaving them behind.
Nearly admit they matter enough for me to change my dream.
Then I hear all the things he said—
Your replacement.
Irresponsible little girl.
What could you possibly need now?
You’re just making this worse for all of us.
And pride finally has me protecting my heart.
“Right,” I whisper. “I’ll h-help you pick the best candidate for Chloe.”
The words nearly choke me.
Because I mean them.
Because even now, even with him looking at me like I’m nothing more than a problem to be solved, I still love that little girl enough to make sure she’s okay.
Still love him.
But it’s not enough.
I blink back my tears. I lift my chin up high. And I walk out before he can say anything else.
Before he can hurt me any more.
Down the hall.
Pausing in the kitchen to grab that fucking stack of papers.
Up the stairs.
Into my room.
Only then do I let myself break.
Not loudly.
I don’t scream or throw things or rage.
I just stand there in the middle of the room, tears sliding silently down my face.
Then I dry my eyes, pick up the applications.
And I start reading.
Because in that moment, more than hurt, more than anger, what I feel is finality.
He made his choice.
Now I have to make mine.
And I’m not going to stay where I’m not wanted, not going to beg someone to want me, to choose me, to…
Love me.
Not ever again.