Chapter 81
81
Dear Theo
I have lost count of how many attempts I have taken to try to get this letter right, but I’ve realised that maybe that’s the whole point. I won’t be able to. I will never be able to get everything right, and I will never be able to make up for the hurt that I’ve caused you. I know that. But I want one last chance to try. Please, I know that you’re entirely within your right to crumple up this paper and never offer it a second glance, but if you would just do me one last thing and read through this in its entirety, it will be the last thing I ever ask of you. After this, it is up to you. If you decide that this is over for good, then I will respect that. I won’t pester you. I won’t intrude on your life. But I just want this one last time to say I’m sorry, I’m an idiot. You are the love of my life and I would do anything to repair the mess I’ve made.
It’s wrong to blame other people for my actions these last few days. And I’m not going to do that. I said the words I said to you. I am responsible for what I did, but I still want you to know why. And that’s because I believe, or rather I did believe, that I was never really deserving of your love. And that is my failing, not yours.
I let other people’s opinions affect my thoughts. I believed my mother’s drunken words. I believed your parents’ disparaging comments. But worse than that, I believed my own insecurities. And I wish to God I hadn’t. I love you, Theo. I love you with all my heart.
Whatever happens, I know now that my future is meant to be with you, because you bring out the best in me. And, as arrogant as it sounds, I believe I bring out the best in you, too. I laugh with you like I laugh with no one else. I take risks with you that I would never consider with anyone else. You make me feel safe. You make me feel invincible. You are everything.
And I get why you are afraid that I will do this again. I understand why you would think that sometime in the future, I will panic and get scared and decide to run again, but I won’t. I know for certain that I won’t. I have felt this loss, Theo. I have felt the way my heart is breaking so intensely in my chest that I can’t breathe, and I will never do it again. I know you have to trust me to believe that, but please, I swear on my life, yours, and that of our future family…
I can’t say I know exactly what I want in the way of 2.4 children, like some people do. But I can say that when I think of us in old age, I imagine us cooking up big family feasts, with children running around our ankles. I imagine Christmas mornings where presents are piled high beneath the tree and children are tearing hastily at the wrapping, and Christmas dinners where we open our crackers and place party hats on our heads to eat the massive feast that we have prepared together.
I imagine holidays, not just local ones in the boats, but ones far further afield, where we see the world together. And these things I see, Theo, they are so clear in my mind. So vivid, I can’t for one minute believe they are just a figment of my imagination. They are the future. The future I want. And the future I believe we can make happen.
You may think I’m being overly sentimental or dramatic as you read this, but it’s true. I never thought that I would find someone as kind and fun and generous as you. Someone as supportive and hardworking who always lifts me up every time I’m down and never makes me feel ridiculous, even when I do ridiculous things, like adopting a random stray dog. You are everything I could have dreamed of, and I just didn’t believe that dreams could last. At some point, I assumed I would have to wake up.
I think that’s why things became harder after the proposal. Because of things your parents said, and mine, I began to believe that sooner or later, you were going to realise the truth. You were going to realise that I wasn’t good enough for you and you were going to want better. And I’m not shifting the blame to you in any way, but I think partly the ring confirmed that for me. Someday, I believed you would wake up and realise that there was a girl out there who was deserving of her own ring.
I’m not saying these thoughts are rational or reasonable. I’m just trying to let you know why I did what I did. That’s why I got there first. That’s why I thought that by ending things the way I did, I was saving us both from heartache. Now, of course, I realise what a mistake I’ve made, in that I’ve quite possibly robbed myself of the best future I could have had. And… I think… robbed you of it, too. Because as strange as it sounds, these last few days without you have shown me that I really am deserving of true love.
My friends are the thing that has proved this to me. I don’t think you can get friends as good without being someone people can truly rely on.
I know I’m deserving of love. I see that now. But I also see that the only person I want to share that love with is you. And so, here is my last attempt. If you feel the same as me, and God, I hope that you do, then please meet me at 22 Chester Road, Sunday at 11a.m. It should all make sense then.
I hope to see you there.
Yours always, whatever happens,
Daisy