Chapter 19
It had been almost two weeks since Steph moved out. At first, it worried me that I might’ve been a bit hasty with my decision, but the fact I was happier than I’d been in a while made me realize how much drama she brought into my life.
In these past couple of weeks, I’d been able to focus on work and getting ahead. Missing Steph didn’t even cross my mind, which caused a mix of negative emotions, but it also gave me clarity because I had made the right choice. I’d never envisioned myself with anyone long-term, and Steph wasn’t the exception.
What had me pausing, though, were my feelings about the girl in my dreams. Since Steph had left, my dreams lasted longer and became more frequent. I’d grown a powerful emotional connection to this woman, although I had no idea who she was. I couldn’t remember specific conversations, and we were never intimate, yet I was complete when we were together.
I saw exhilarating lives play out before me, and I sensed them, too, as if they were mine. The scenes unfolded lifetimes of love and joy, and I ached to find my way back to them. I wished my subconscious could give me something that would lead me to her in this life, but I was starting to wonder if the dreamworld was all we’d have.
My phone beeped, shaking me from my reverie. I leaned over my desk to pick it up, only to see it was a text from my mom.
Mom: Are we still on for lunch today?
I groaned.
Me: Oh, yeah. I forgot. Where?
Mom: I scheduled it with your assistant a long time ago. It should be on your calendar.
Me: It is. I didn’t have it pulled up. Tell me where to go, and I’ll meet you.
Mom: Le Coucou?
Of course…it was across town and super upscale.
Me: What about Michael’s?
At least that was within walking distance of my office.
Mom: I wouldn’t be caught dead there. Aquavit at 12:00. I will make a call.
I guess that was the end of the discussion. I wished Ty would have gotten me out of this, but we had been busy with a plethora of other things.
My mother and I had a difference of opinions on pretty much everything. I hadn’t spoken to her since Steph moved out, and I wasn’t looking forward to that conversation. I was sure she’d be happy, though, as she always referred to Steph as “that harlot” for reasons I never understood. But it was one more thing for her to criticize me about not being settled down, not being a mother, not being the quintessential woman. Knowing her, she’d have a blind date set up for me, with a man, no doubt, before lunch was over.
It was 12:03 when I walked into Aquavit, and I would get an earful. Her motto was: “If you’re on time, you’re late,” and being late was inexcusable. I saw her sitting at the back of the restaurant, and I tried to creep as inconspicuously as possible to her table.
She glared at her watch as I approached. “Nice of you to join me. I thought I told you twelve o’clock.” She stood, kissed me on each cheek, and gave me the world’s most awkward hug, leaning the top half of her body over to double pat my back as if I’d mess up her clothes if I got too close.
“Yes, Mother. I’m a couple of minutes late, but I had to find a parking spot as I drove from the office. If we’d gone to Michael’s, I could’ve walked.” I gave her a closed-mouth smile and sat down.
“Well, I’m not sure who raised you, but Michael’s isn’t an acceptable establishment. They only serve American food.”
“The nerve. A restaurant in America serving American food. How do they stay open?” I hated how snarky I got when I was around her, but she could set me off with a look.
“Don’t get lippy with me, Blake. You could stand to be more selective about where and what you eat.” She scrutinized me with disapproving eyes.
I wasn’t sure what she didn’t like, but she’d tell me. She reached out and touched the curls that framed my face.
“Honey, why do you let your hair get so unmanageable? Do you not have a good stylist here? I will put in a call.”
“Mother, there is nothing wrong with my stylist. I’m perfectly happy with her. I left my hair down today because, for once, it wasn’t humid, and I didn’t think it looked bad. What don’t you like about it?” I furrowed my brow as I awaited her response.
“Don’t make that face. You’ll cause more wrinkles than you already have. It looks like your Botox hasn’t done a good job.”
“I haven’t gotten Botox, but thanks for telling me I should.” I wanted so badly to roll my eyes and act like a petulant child, but I sat there across from her and smiled as she continued her appraisal of me.
There was a reason I didn’t spend much time with her. If I subjected myself to her insults on the regular, I would have no self-worth at all.
“Oh, well, I’d say it’s time. I can make a call. I will set you up with my doctor, who is wonderful. I mean, look at me. I could pass for your sister.”
“Yes, you look great, Mom.” And she did. She didn’t have a wrinkle on her or a hair out of place. I supposed, to her, I did come across as a street urchin, even though my outfit cost upwards of $3,000.00. How I dressed and who I was would never fit the mold she’d created for me.
I worked so hard to be the perfect daughter growing up. All I wanted was my parents’ approval, and all I ever received were backhanded compliments at best. For the longest time, my heart hurt from not being good enough, but then I realized their opinions or expectations didn’t define my worth. I had to live for myself. But there was still that little girl inside who couldn’t stand up to her mom. She struggled with letting her emotions get the best of her.
I had gotten lost in my feelings and zoned out. When I looked up at her, she was staring at me as if expecting a response.
I wasn’t about to start a fight, so I said, “Sure, Mom,” having no idea what I had agreed to.
“Perfect. It looks like I can get you an appointment with my doctor and hairstylist next month. I will call your assistant to set it up.” She was scrolling through her phone, probably checking her calendar to put another browbeating session on the books as well.
“Wait, what? No, that’s not necessary but thank you. I’m okay with my wrinkles, and there is nothing that can control my hair.”
Her expression was either one of shock or disgust. It was hard to decipher any emotion from her unmoving face, but the fire behind her eyes gave me an indication.
“Don’t be ridiculous, dear. There is no need to go around looking like that.” She swirled her hand in front of me as if it were a magic wand that would transform me into the daughter she actually wanted.
“Right. Well, this has been super fun, but I got a message from the office. I need to leave. I’ll have to get a raincheck. I’m sorry.” I scooted my chair back to stand up. When I grabbed my purse to leave, she reached for my hand.
“Blake, are you upset about something?”
I tried to stay as neutral as possible because I didn’t want her to realize the impact she still had on me. “Of course not, Mother. I have important business to take care of.”
“I didn’t even get to ask you about Stevie.”
“Well, since I don’t know anyone by that name, that was a quick conversation.” I turned on my heel and hightailed it out of there. I think that woman took ten years off of my life, or at least my self-esteem.
I decided to head back to work, even though seeing anyone seemed almost unbearable. I had so much repressed aggression I didn’t want to take it out on anyone. But Ty was the only person who understood me, and he always had my back. He was more family to me than my blood. But if he ever scheduled another lunch with Mommy Dearest, I’d make him come with me to teach him a lesson.
As I walked through the door, I saw Ty sitting at his desk like he was daydreaming of unicorns and butterflies. He had this Pollyanna outlook on life ever since he and David exchanged the L word—love, not the show. His eyes met mine, and he appeared to sense the rage radiating off of me.
“Hey…” He clenched his teeth, and I could tell he was scared. “Was it that bad?”
“Well,” I peeked at my phone, “it’s 12:37, and I’m here.” Wow. It was amazing how she triggered me so badly in less than thirty minutes. That had to be a record. But those minutes were enough to last me another year. It would take that long for my ego to build itself back up.
“At least it was over quickly?” He seemed like he was trying to calm me down, but I wasn’t ready yet.
“It was over because I lied and said I had a work emergency. But I’m telling you, if she calls again, I don’t care what you have to do, but it’s a hard no.” I didn’t want to take it out on him, but he needed to understand the seriousness.
“You got it. I will start making a list of plausible lies to throw her way.” He seemed genuinely sorry that I had to go through this today, and if my blood wasn’t still boiling, I probably would have hugged him. “Do you want to talk about what happened? Was she pissed about your makeup, your weight, or your choice of lovers?”
“Strikeout. She was on about my hair and my need for Botox. We didn’t have time to get into anything else, but I’m sure any or all of those topics would have come up. I think she’ll be calling to schedule me for an appointment with her doctor and hairstylist, even though I told her no. If she does, appease her and say you’ll do it, but there’s no chance I’m going. I don’t have the energy to argue.”
“All right, chica. Tell me if I can help with anything.”
“I’ll be fine. I’m going to keep my head down and continue working. Since Steph moved out, I’ve been able to get a lot done, and the other partners are taking notice. Tom stopped by my office the other day to tell me, ‘Keep it up.’”
“Girl, everyone has noticed. You’ve been like the Energizer Bunny up in here. Do you spend any time at home?”
“You mean besides when I’m dreaming the most perfect partners into existence?”
“You, hoochie. Are you holding out on me? We haven’t really talked since the office party, which has been way too long. Tell me more.” He propped his elbows up on his desk and put his chin in his hands like he was getting ready to hear the juiciest gossip of his life.
“There isn’t much to tell that you don’t already know. Except now, the dreams are almost every night; they’re lasting much longer and are more graphic.” His eyes widened, and I shook my head. “Not sexually graphic. I meant detailed. The places I’ve seen in my dreams are so vivid and beautiful. The lives I’m living with her evoke too much emotion in me not to have happened. Nothing about this makes any sense, but what David said about our souls somehow being connected seems true. Wherever or whoever I am, she finds me and, as corny as it sounds, completes me. I always thought I understood what happiness was. But until her, it was like I was living my life under a dark cloud, and then she came along and was the sunshine that finally allowed me to see. Ty, I’m officially losing it.” I shook my head in disbelief at my cheesemo description.
“Blake, as much as I want to make fun of you, and believe me, I really really do, I can’t because I totally understand. The situation is a little different for us because I’ve met my person in this life, but the way you describe this woman is how I feel about David. I’m nauseated at how sappy we are, but I’d rather be like this than have a constant parade of meaningless flings.”
“I haven’t done one-nighters in a while either, but I get it. The thing that scares me the most is what if I never find her in this life? What if my dreams are all I get?”
“Oh, hon. We’ll figure it out. Do you want to try the hypnotherapist again since you’ve dreamed of her more? It might work better now.”
The first time under hypnosis turned out to be a total bust. I didn’t learn anything about her or myself. “I’m remembering and reliving what appears to be a multitude of lives. It always starts with me as me, but then I go through a progression of different places and bodies, but my emotions never waver.”
“If dream you finds her, then you’ll find her in this life, too. When two souls are destined to be together, it would take a force of nature to keep them apart.”
“I’m not going to hold my breath, but I’ll continue to enjoy my nights, and hopefully, one of those dreams will give me a clue on how to find her.” I was very wistful, but I tried to force a believable smile, not sure if it was for Ty’s benefit or mine. If only real life were a fairy tale, and she’d left some breadcrumbs for me to find my way to her, but nothing was that easy.
Ty gave me a sympathetic slug in the arm as if to say, “You got this,” but I wasn’t sure he believed it, either. It was exhausting to ponder over the impossible situation I found myself in, so I chose to set it aside. I was ready to put my nose back down to the grindstone and get some more work finished.
I went to my office and sat down in front of my computer. I quickly scrolled through my emails because that took the least amount of brainpower for me, but it was something that had to be done.
As I was reading the subject lines, I saw one that caught my eye: Just a reminder of your appointment tomorrow. I didn’t have anything on my calendar, and I had never heard of the sender [email protected]. But my curiosity won out, and I opened it to see what it was.
Dear Ms. Flynn,
This is a friendly reminder of your appointment at Full Exposure tomorrow, Friday the 25th, at 2:00 p.m. We look forward to seeing you and your partner. Please give us a call or respond to this email to confirm or reschedule. We hope to see you soon.
Sincerely,
Haley
Full Exposure? What the hell was that? I never made an appointment with anyone. I did a quick Google search to find out that it was a photography studio specializing in “Making your fantasies a reality.” Oh my God. This was probably the shoot Ty scheduled for Steph and me.
I needed to cancel because there wasn’t any reason for me to keep the appointment, but I found it intriguing at the same time. Maybe it would be fun to act out a fantasy. Who was I kidding? That wasn’t me. But I also didn’t want to cancel because they’d be out money and probably couldn’t fill the spot on such short notice. I should go to at least pay them.
Since that was settled, I replied with my confirmation and prepared to work late again so I wouldn’t feel bad about leaving early tomorrow. Even if I didn’t do a complete photoshoot, I thought maybe I’d piddle around downtown after paying for the session. I’d been working so hard that a long weekend seemed like a just reward.
But my mind kept wondering what it would be like to do a role-play session with the girl in my dreams—the things I’d do to her. My God, I needed to get this out of my head ASAP if I was planning on getting any work accomplished at all.
It was so weird to think how someone I didn’t even know could consume my thoughts at any time. Maybe I should start dating? That idea made me physically sick to think about, so I pushed it away and focused on work until I could get home and submerse myself in her.
One more reason I was horrible at relationships—I’d rather be with someone in my mind than in real life. I was utterly hopeless.