Chapter 11
Eleven
FYFE
Seven months ago
Y ou know that feeling that hovers over you when something in your life isn’t right?
Like dread.
That sensation had knotted in my gut from the moment I left Eilidh’s flat in London two months ago. I knew I’d handled it badly, but I was taken aback by Eilidh’s continued silence.
It wasn’t like we’d slept together. It was a one-off kiss.
The memory of that night stuck with me. I remembered our conversation word for word.
“Ignore it,” Eilidh had whispered, reaching in to kiss me again.
It was too late.
I’d turned my head to look at my phone on the coffee table.
Lewis’s name was on the screen.
Fuck.
This was not just any woman pressed up against me. Whose clit pulsed beneath my thumb. This was Eilidh. To be protected at all costs Eilidh Adair. The sister of my best mate in the whole world.
She was off-limits in every way.
I yanked my hand out of her shorts. “What are we doing?” I gently set Eilidh away from me and stood up. “Shit, sweetheart, I’m sorry. I’ve had too much to drink.”
Pain tautened Eilidh’s features as she hopped off the couch and straightened her top.
I felt another pierce of panic. “We can’t just sleep together because we’re attracted to each other. It would mess things up. And Lewis would kill me.”
“Is that all it is?” Her expression was sad, resigned. “Just physical attraction?”
Pretending not to understand, I gave her a small, reassuring smile. “You can’t help the fact that you’re gorgeous. But I can help where my hands wander.”
“Right.” She laughed hollowly. “Fyfe Moray, Sutherland’s biggest player. I keep forgetting about that.”
Guilt turned my cheeks hot. “I would never play you.”
Eilidh ran a hand over her hair, not meeting my eyes. “Clearly.”
“We’re drunk.”
“Right.”
“Eilidh.”
“Maybe you should return to your hotel.”
I nodded, running a hand over my face, my beard scratching against my palm. “And us? Are we okay?”
“Sure.”
My head jerked back at the lie. I knew her well enough to recognize her “whatever” tone. “Eilidh. Please. Let’s just put this aside and go back to being friends.”
“I said sure.”
“For a great actress, you’re a terrible liar.” I took a step toward her, but she retreated. It was like a gut punch. “Eils. I don’t want to go through another nine months without you …” I gestured helplessly to the couch where the hottest kiss of my life had just taken place.
“I said we’re fine. I’m just out of sorts. We’ll talk later.”
“You matter to me. Our friendship matters to me.”
“Same.” But her tone was coolly detached in a way that filled me with dread. I watched as she strode toward her front door. “Do you want me to call you a cab?”
“No … I’ll be fine.” Reluctantly, I crossed the room. “We’ll talk when we’re both a bit more sober. All will be good between us again, sweetheart.”
Eilidh flinched ever so slightly.
I couldn’t help myself. I reached out and stroked my thumb over her cheekbone. “Talk soon.” With another sigh, I walked out of the flat and winced at the sound of the door crashing shut behind me.
My head throbbed with every step I took away from her. So did a spot in my chest near my heart. I had to believe I could fix things with Eilidh. That this would never get back to Lewis. It was just a stupid kiss and some foreplay. A hot, never wanted to fuck anyone more kiss and foreplay … but just that . Everything would return to normal between me and Eilidh.
It had to.
But it hadn’t.
All the talking and confiding we’d done … I thought Eilidh would understand me better than this. She had to know that I wouldn’t jeopardize our friendship for anything. Least of all a drunken night of sex. And I wouldn’t betray Lewis like that either.
Therefore, I didn’t get it.
I didn’t get why my reaction was so unforgivable.
Eilidh had brought Morwenna home a month ago. My texts had gone unanswered. My calls too. She’d done a valiant job of avoiding me but couldn’t whenever I was invited to Sunday family dinner. Lewis and Callie were busy being new parents and organizing their wedding, which was to take place in two months’ time. But Lewis wasn’t too busy to notice that Eilidh was even more distant than usual.
“And just with me,” he’d told me gruffly one morning as he changed Harley’s nappy. “She’s all over Harley and Mor and even Callie. But when I touch her, she tenses. When I try to talk to her, she just gives me one-word answers. I don’t know what the fuck I’ve done, but I don’t have time for it.” He gestured to his daughter. “I have other responsibilities. I don’t need to add worrying about Eils to the list.”
I’d frowned. “What? You have a kid and Eilidh is no longer a priority?”
Lewis had cut me a dark look. “It’s not like that. I don’t have time for childish behavior. If she’s got a problem, she should talk to me.”
I feared her problem was me. Was Eilidh taking her resentment of me out on Lewis?
Whatever her issue was, I was done being avoided.
I got my chance the night of her last Sunday dinner before she returned to London. Eilidh had been quiet, morose almost. I knew from the exchanged looks among her family that they’d noticed. But they also seemed to be growing impatient with Eilidh’s distance and attitude. They no longer pressed her to tell them what was wrong and their frustration was written all over their faces.
After dinner, their uncle Lachlan and aunt Robyn and cousins left, leaving Thane, Regan, Mor, Lewis, Callie, Harley, Eilidh, and me. Everyone settled around the sitting room with after-dinner drinks, but Eilidh quietly slipped out of the sliding doors and shut them behind her.
Uncomfortable silence fell over the room. Thane stood as if to go after her, but I cut him off. “Let me talk to her.”
“You?” Lewis asked, eyebrows raised.
“We’re friends.” At least we were.
“Friends?”
“I told you that.” I had, but only in vague terms. “We talk.”
“You talk?”
Callie shifted Harley to one arm and gently slapped Lewis’s biceps. “Quit it.”
He shot his fiancée a frown. “I’m not doing anything.”
“You’re in protective big brother mode with Fyfe, which is the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard.”
Internally, I winced at Callie’s defense of me. If only she knew I’d had my hand down Eilidh’s shorts two months ago and that I might have done more if Lewis hadn’t called.
Opening the heavy sliding glass door, I watched the lines of Eilidh’s back tense as she leaned against the deck balustrade, staring out at the water. I made sure the door was shut behind me. Between the heavy-duty glass and the ocean waves beyond us, no one inside would hear our conversation. Salt air filled my nose and I inhaled it as I leaned my elbows on the balustrade next to her.
Exhaling, I said, “If you’re mad at me, be mad at me. But don’t take it out on your family.”
Eilidh let out a bitter little laugh. I hated the sound. It wasn’t her. “My problem with my family has nothing to do with my problem with you. Those are two separate things.”
Problem with her family. “Christ, Eils, just tell us what’s going on in that head of yours. It feels like you’ve been miserable for years and your family is worried about you. Can’t you see that?”
The low late-summer sun cast a glow over her beautiful face as she turned toward me, eyes flashing angrily. “I am perfectly aware that there is shit I need to figure out. But up until a month ago, I didn’t know understanding my family and how they see me was one of them.”
“What are you talking about?”
Furious tears glimmered in her eyes as she looked away. “Nothing.”
“This.” I couldn’t help but grab her arm, pulling her toward me. “Shutting people out. People who give a damn about you. It fucking hurts, Eilidh. And you just keep doing it.”
Her lips parted as she glared up at me incredulously. Something happened behind her eyes, something I didn’t quite understand. Then she wrenched her arm from my grasp. “You’re right. You’re absolutely right. Come.” She gestured toward the house. “You’re an honorary Adair. You should hear this.”
Something in her tone lifted the hair on the back of my neck. “Eilidh, what?—”
She was already yanking open the door and marching into the house.
“We need to talk.” I heard her say loudly as I hurried in after her.
Eilidh stood before her family, hands on her hips, as they all stared up at her expectantly.
My palms grew clammy. Was she about to tell them what happened between us? No. She wouldn’t do that to me.
She crossed her arms defensively and I saw the telltale tremble in her lips that she was holding back emotion.
This wasn’t about me. About us. It couldn’t be.
Lowering myself onto the arm of the sofa, I watched her, a renewed worry washing over me.
“A while ago, I decided to investigate my birth mother. Francine.”
Everyone tensed.
“I wanted to know a little about her.”
“Why didn’t you just ask me?” Thane frowned.
“Because I wanted to know who she really was. Not the perfect woman you painted her as.”
He flinched at her tone and Regan reached for his hand.
“Eilidh—” Lewis’s admonishing tone induced a sharp “back off” glare from his sister.
“I found out about our grandparents, about Francine’s schooling, even found her yearbook from high school. I also found her yearbook from working as a teacher. The school has all their yearbooks available to view online. Including the last year Francine taught. There was an individual photo of her and then there was a group teacher photo. And I couldn’t believe it when I looked at that photograph because standing next to her with his arm around her was the man who tried to kidnap me when I was a child.”
What the actual fuck?
Not where I thought this was going.
Eilidh’s expression was baleful as she searched her father’s face.
“Eilidh—”
“That kind of brought up some horrible stuff that I’d suppressed, and I found myself reaching out to that man. Sean McClintock. I drove to Inverness to see him two weeks ago. He was quite happy to see me so he could apologize in person. Apparently, prison and a therapist sorted out his head, and he has a lot of remorse for traumatizing me.” Her casual tone discussing something so painful was like nails on a chalkboard. I gritted my teeth, forcing myself not to go to her.
Thane stood up, his pain turning to anger. “You went to see that man? Alone?”
“Don’t,” Eilidh seethed. “How dare you? Were you ever going to tell me Francine cheated on you with that man? That they had an affair?”
Holy fuck.
Her pain became all too clear.
Was … was Eilidh not Thane’s?
The very thought twisted my stomach, and I had to hold myself back from rushing to her, from wrapping my arms around her to protect her from a truth that would break her heart.
“You are not his.” Thane stepped toward his daughter. “If that’s what’s in your head or what he put in your head. You’re not his. I had a DNA test done when he tried to claim custody.”
“I know,” Eilidh whispered harshly, her tears slipping free. “I know because he told me. My question is, why didn’t you?” She turned to her brother who stared up her, eyes bright with emotion. “Did you know?”
To my shock, Lewis nodded.
He knew and hadn’t told her?
“Dad told me last year.”
Eilidh wiped at her tears. “I already knew that. I just already knew that. You can be trusted with the truth, but apparently I’m too much of a loose cannon to be treated like an adult.”
“That’s not … is this … is that why you’ve been weird with me?” Lewis stood, reaching for her.
She stumbled back, holding up her palms toward both father and brother. “Why didn’t you tell me? If I’m yours, why didn’t you tell me? Why did I have to find out from someone else that this woman you painted as a perfect wife and mother was actually a selfish bitch who cheated on you?”
Thane winced. “It was more complicated than that.”
“It was an affair. According to McClintock, it was an affair, and he wanted to stay with his wife and child. And you took Francine back, even though it was an affair .”
“My reasons for taking back your mother were my own. You don’t get to judge me for that, Eilidh Francine Adair,” Thane told her sternly.
She flinched and I stood up off the couch, edging closer to her.
“You’re right. I don’t get to judge you for that. I do get to judge you for not telling me. Why did you tell Lewis and not me? I’m the one whose parentage was in question. I’m the one Sean came after. So why did Lewis get to complete that puzzle while I was left with the lies? What is it about me, Dad? Why wasn’t I worthy of the truth?”
Thane’s features strained with remorse. “Oh, sweetheart, it’s not about being worthy of the truth. I was trying to protect you from the truth. Back then. And now I didn’t see the point in sharing. I only told your brother because he asked me directly to my face what my relationship with Francine was like. And I wanted to be honest.”
“Do you think I’m like her?” Eilidh asked, voice breaking. “Is that why you didn’t tell me? You didn’t want me to self-fulfil my genetics by becoming even more of a flaky, disloyal, selfish bitch?”
Thane held up a finger. “One, stop calling your mother a bitch. Two, don’t refer to yourself that way either.”
“I didn’t call my mother a bitch,” Eilidh snarled, gesturing to Regan who pressed her lips tightly together, suppressing a reaction. “That’s my mother. Francine was just the woman who gave birth to me.”
“Francine didn’t leave you, Eilidh. She died. And she loved you. More than anything. And people are allowed to make mistakes.”
“Even if they keep repeating them?” The tears fell fast and free now. “I think that’s why you didn’t tell me. I think you look at me and you see her. Why wouldn’t you? I made everyone dance to my fucking tune as a kid. Wanting what I wanted without caring how it affected anybody else. Then I fucked off and left my family behind to become a movie star!” She sobbed on a hysterical laugh. “And I hate every second of this life I was so determined to have. And because I can’t face what a selfish bitch I’ve been, it makes me even more of a bitch. I hate who I am. I hate myself! And now I know why. I’m my mother’s daughter!” With another sob, Eilidh’s knees seemed to give out.
A burning pain lodged in my sternum as I moved toward her.
Her father got there first. Thane fell to his knees and pulled his daughter into his arms, gripping her tight as she cried against his chest like a little girl.
Regan was in tears, as were Mor and Callie. Lewis got up and knelt by his sister and father, his hand on Eilidh’s back as he and Thane exchanged deeply concerned looks.
No fucking wonder.
Eilidh had told me over and over again that she was miserable. That she was trying to figure things out. But I hadn’t realized it was this bad.
I hadn’t paid enough attention.
Pushed enough.
Because I was trying to keep her at a safe distance.
I’d failed her.