Chapter 17
Seventeen
FYFE
I t could have been hours I’d lain in bed just staring at my ceiling. I didn’t know. My sleep had been broken and shit for the past few weeks. My appetite wasn’t much better, and my energy was fucked because of it. I joint-led a tae kwon do class in Thurso every week, and it had taken everything within me to make myself attend. Lewis and Callie still attended, but it was awkward. Callie tried to make conversation but apparently, Lewis still wasn’t ready.
For the first time since he’d returned to Ardnoch, I hadn’t seen Lewis in almost a month. The longest we went without seeing each other was a few days. I’d visit the family multiple times a week. Harley, in my mind, was my niece. I wondered if she missed me. If she was even aware of my absence.
Did this mean Harley would grow up not knowing who I was? I would no longer be Uncle Fyfe?
The thought hurt like fuck, so I threw it away.
I’d lost both my best friends because I couldn’t love Eilidh the way she needed. As shitty as that made me feel, I also was angry that I was being punished for something I couldn’t help.
But I could help that I’d kissed her. Twice.
I’d led her on.
If I were them, I’d hate me for that.
She deserved an apology. So did Lewis.
I was well aware if I waited too long, I could lose them forever.
There was a part of me, though, that thought maybe that’s what I deserved.
Eilidh bared her soul to me, gave me something precious—something I knew for a fact I did not deserve—and I’d rejected her and said something fucking stupid when I did.
That beautiful girl … how could I have done that to her?
I sat up in bed before my alarm went off.
The truth was, I wasn’t sure I was ready to face Eilidh ever because my apology would be to soothe my own guilt as much as it would be to offer her my regrets. Plus, she was right. It was selfish of me to plead with her to be my friend after she’d told me she was in love with me.
Yet Lewis … I had to believe he and I could get over this. If I left things between us any longer, we might not.
Before I could back out, I reached over for my phone and hit Lewis’s number.
I was about to hang up on the sixth ring when the line clicked open.
“You better be dying,” he bit out hoarsely, sounding half-asleep.
Wincing, I glanced at the clock on my phone. In my sudden decision to do this, I didn’t think of the time. “Thought you’d be up with Harley,” I replied quietly.
“I have been up with Harley. I’d just fallen back asleep when an arsehole called.”
“Lewis.” I heard Callie’s whispered admonishment in the background.
I winced at Lewis’s words and Callie’s kindness.
“Well, are you going to speak or just call me before the crack of dawn to irritate the fuck out of me?”
“Can we meet, Lew? Please.”
He was silent so long, I squeezed my eyes closed against the emotion boiling within.
“Meet me at Isla’s Point in thirty minutes.” He hung up before I could say anything else.
I felt a flicker of hope. Lewis’s place was not far from mine, and Isla’s Point was a hidden spot on the coast, right between my house and Lewis and Callie’s, where you could access the beach. Most tourists missed it, but locals knew of it.
Thirty minutes later, I’d showered and dressed and stood on the beach at Isla’s Point. My car was parked behind the dunes.
I waited with my hands in my jacket pockets, staring out at the calm North Sea. It was a chilly but beautiful spring morning, the rising sun spilling across the water in ripples of sparkling light.
A gentle but cold breeze ruffled through my hair as I watched the seemingly never-ending horizon. There was no one else out here on the small cove. It was a tiny portion of sandy beach compared to Ardnoch Beach. Another reason it didn’t attract many visitors.
I didn’t hear his footsteps in the sand. Lewis just appeared at my side. His long hair was tied up in a messy bun, his beard needed trimming, and he looked knackered. Yet the fury I’d seen on his face the last time we shared space was gone.
The words, the apology, it stuck inside me for so long, Lewis sighed and flicked me a look. “This is Callie’s day off from the bakery, which means I could be in bed with my wife right now, so if you’re going to speak, speak.”
“I’m so sorry, Lewis.” The words were out, but my voice was like gravel, like I’d had to force them out.
We turned to face each other now. Lewis’s gaze was searching. “Did you apologize to Eilidh?”
It hurt too fucking much to think about her, let alone speak to her. I shook my head. “What can I say to her that will help? Nothing. I asked her to be my friend after she told me she loved me. Selfish bastard that I am.”
“You really don’t love her?”
My hands clenched into fists at my sides. “I can’t love anyone.”
“Can’t or won’t?”
“What?” We locked eyes.
Lewis appeared half pissed off, half sympathetic. “Can’t or won’t love her?”
“Lewis …”
“I was there.” A muscle flexed in his jaw, blue eyes flashing angrily. “I saw you look after yourself because your mum was never there and when she was home, she was usually drunk, and even though you denied it, she was hitting you, wasn’t she?”
A different shame crawled over and I nodded reluctantly.
Lewis let out a shuddering breath. “Then she just abandoned you.”
“Lew—”
“You’ve moved from woman to woman, never letting them close. Never trusting them enough to. But you let Eilidh in. Didn’t you?”
I dragged a hand through my hair, shifting restlessly because I was desperately trying not to fucking cry in front of my best mate. It took me a second to get around the lump in my throat. “I can’t love her. Eilidh … is meant for more than me. For more than this place.”
“Then why did she come home?”
“Because she’s feeling a bit lost and this is a safe place while she figures things out. She’s just … lost and clinging to here. To me. She’ll realize soon enough she doesn’t love me.”
Lewis’s expression hardened. “You patronizing fucker.”
I flinched, my chin jerking back.
“Eilidh is a grown woman who has worked extremely hard to be honest with herself about what she wants and where she wants to be. She’s chosen to come home. And she chose you as the man she loves. Now you can decide you don’t want to be with her, but you do not fucking get to tell her she doesn’t love you or love being home in Ardnoch. I had someone I loved make a choice for me, and I lost her for seven years. Don’t you dare think you know better than Eilidh.” He took a step toward me. “If you want some harsh home truths, Fyfe … you’re so intelligent, you think you know best in every situation. But when it comes to emotions … you’re an immature prick.”
I raised an eyebrow. “Immature prick? I’ve been independent since I was seven years old.”
“Aye, and you’ve been compartmentalizing your emotions ever since as an act of self-protection.”
“What, are you a therapist now?”
“I’m your best friend. And I’m telling you that Eilidh is much more emotionally mature than you, pal.”
Dropping my defensiveness, I recognized there was a lot of truth in what he said. “Which is why she deserves better.”
Lewis laughed.
I scowled. “What?”
“Fuck, Fyfe … every man in my life has better than he deserves in the woman who shares his bed.”
“Not you. You’re good to Callie.”
“Now. But for seven years, I let her go when I should have fought for her. We all regret something.”
“I …” I turned to look out at the water, the truth bubbling inside me. “It’s just bloody typical that the person I want most is the one most likely to leave. I couldn’t have latched on to some ordinary woman who likes quiet, small-town life?” I winced. “Fuck, that makes me sound like an arsehole.”
Lewis patted me on the shoulder. “Look, it’s hard for me to see Eils as anything but my wee sister, but I recognize she’s a talented celebrity and she’s cute.”
“Cute.” I grimaced. “Eils isn’t cute . She’s … she walks into a room and she knocks the fucking breath from your body, she’s that beautiful.”
Lewis smirked. “Is that so?”
I squeezed the bridge of my nose at his smug know-it-all expression. “That’s the point. I’m just Fyfe Moray. Some big shot from the estate could come sweeping in and turn her head and whisk her away to live on some exotic island and that would make sense. But I’d be left behind.”
“If that was going to happen, it would have happened. Eilidh’s had more than enough opportunities for the celebrity life and celebrity relationships. She doesn’t want it. She wants you. She wants real . My wee sister decided a long time ago you were the one for her.”
I forced myself to meet my best friend’s gaze, my voice filled with apology. “I can’t give her that.”
He sighed wearily. “I know you actually believe that.”
“So … what now?”
Lewis’s features hardened ever so slightly. “You stay away from Eilidh.”
Pain ricocheted through me. “Lew?—”
“If you are stubbornly refusing to be with her … then she needs space to get over you, okay. I mean it. You stay away from Eilidh, and you and I will be fine.”
Even as it hurt to do it, I nodded in agreement.
I had just enough time to make breakfast (something I actually could eat now that some things had been resolved between me and Lewis) and dress properly for work.
I gathered from the lack of fathers and uncles banging on my door that neither Lewis nor Eilidh had told anyone what had happened between us. Therefore, I could head into my meeting at Ardnoch Estate today without worrying one of the elder Adairs was waiting to bash my face in.
As I drove up my driveway, an object sitting outside my front door drew my attention. The hair on my nape rose the closer I got. The security system app on my phone hadn’t gone off to alert me to someone being at the house … Fuck. I’d left my phone in the car while I was talking to Lewis.
Was that …
Was that … no … it couldn’t be.
Braking hard, I shut off the engine and lunged from the vehicle, hurrying toward the front door.
Yes, it was.
A baby in a pink cardigan with a hood, bundled inside a blanket inside a car seat looked up at me and promptly burst into shrieking tears.
“What the …” I gaped, looking up.
There was no one there.
Just my car in the drive.
I brought my phone up and tapped on my security system. There were the alerts I missed. Opening them, I saw that approximately twenty minutes ago, an old Vauxhall drove up and a brunette got out of the driver’s seat. I zoomed in again and let out another curse.
I knew that brunette.
Pamela. We’d had a casual fling for about six weeks. Almost two years ago. It was during the time Eilidh disappeared from my life after she overheard me telling Lewis our friendship didn’t mean anything.
My gaze moved from the video feed to the baby as Pamela took the car seat out of the back of the Vauxhall and left it at the door. She didn’t even glance back. Merely hurried into the vehicle and sped off.
She’d left a baby outside on a cold spring morning.
“Fuck.” I picked up the carrier. “Hey, cutie,” I shushed the crying baby as I pulled out my house keys and opened the door to bring her inside. “It’s all right, wee yin. We’ll get this figured out.”
A note tucked inside the baby’s blanket caught my eye as I carried her into the living space and set her on my dining table.
“Let’s have a look, eh, and see what this madness is all about.” My soft words seemed to quiet her, and she watched me curiously as I opened the note. “Eh, what does your mummy have to say?” Seeing my voice had calmed her, I read the note out loud, “Fyfe, she’s yours—” My heart jolted. “Her name is Millie. I tried to take care of her by myself, but I can’t. She’s better off with you. You can give her a comfortable, safe life. Sorry for doing it this way. Take good care of her—Pamela.” The note tumbled from my hand as I looked at the baby girl whose face crumpled as if she sensed my emotions. She opened her tiny mouth and extremely loud noises squealed out of it. Millie sobbed like she was dying.
Oh fuck.
That’s when I smelled it.
“Have you pooped?” I leaned in and wrinkled my nose. “That is either a dangerous fart or you have cacked in your breeks, wee yin. And I bet you’re hungry too. Bugger. Fuck. Shit.” Panic coursed through me. “I should not be swearing in front of a baby.”
My immediate thought was I was fucked.
My second thought was to call Eilidh.
Third to call Lewis.
Fourth to call Callie.
A million thoughts flew through my head. Was Millie mine? I’d worn protection and Pamela had sworn she was on the pill. Not 100 percent effective but still. DNA test. I’d need to do a DNA test. Should I contact the police? I needed to get my team on tracking down Pamela.
First and foremost, however, I had to put my abject terror to one side because there was a wee girl in my house most likely hungry and she definitely needed her nappy changed.
“Right. Nappies. Supplies. Food.” I grabbed her car seat and snatched up my keys. “We can do this, Millie. You and I, we’ve got this.” My breathing was a bit shallow as we hurried from the house. “I know we’ve just met, but together we can do this.”
Her crying slowed to a whimper as I googled how to buckle the car seat into my vehicle.
“There. We’re intelligent human beings.” I tapped her nose and she sniffled, her fists curling angrily. “Aye, I understand, wee babe. I’ve been sitting in shite of my own making for four weeks and it’s uncomfortable as fuck. Let’s get you out of your shitty breeks and into a clean nappy.” I brushed her cute chubby wee cheek with my knuckles and hurried into the driver’s seat.
As I pulled away from the house, I waited for my phone to connect to the car and then I called Walker Ironside, head of security at Ardnoch Estate, and told him an emergency had come up and I couldn’t make our meeting. I hung up before he could ask questions and drove to the supermarket in Thurso.
Trying to shop in a hurry while carrying a baby in a car seat was not ideal, but I prioritized the nappy change first, grabbed the supplies, and headed into the baby changing room in the supermarket.
Luckily for me, Lewis had forced me to change Harley’s nappy a few times in case I ever needed to do it when he or Callie wasn’t there. I tried not to gag as I discarded the dirty nappy in the facilities and cleaned Millie’s red wee bum. Now that I was changing her, she’d grown docile and quiet, gazing up at me with dark blue eyes filled with childish curiosity. “That was a lot of shite, Millie,” I told her quietly. “For such a tiny wee thing, you can shoot the poop.”
She giggled, like she understood me.
That’s when it hit me.
This wee human being might actually belong to me.
Holy fuck.
“Right, let’s not think too hard on that or I might have a panic attack and you need me in good working order, don’t you?”
Millie made a gurgling sound, as if in agreement.
“Aye, that’s what I thought.” New nappy on, I pulled her floral leggings back up and shirked her wee top over her rounded belly. Soft wisps of dark hair, and lots of it, curled on her head beneath a white beanie hat and she had pale skin. She was a beautiful wee thing and had her mother’s coloring. I winced remembering how I’d been depressed at Eilidh’s distance and I’d met Pamela on a hookup app. She’d just graduated and taken on a job as a solicitor in Inverness. She wasn’t interested in a relationship, but the sex was good so we’d used each other for a few months. Then one day she didn’t answer my text, so I just assumed she’d moved on.
Now I was thinking she’d found out she was bloody pregnant.
Doing the calculations, that put Millie at around eight or nine months.
Fucking hell.
A knock at the door had me bundling Millie back into her car seat. Her face crumpled as soon as her bum touched the seat. Before she could start wailing again, I lifted her into my arms and cuddled her against my chest. Her wee soft breaths puffed against my neck as she made some gurgling noises and rubbed her face against me. Settling.
Okay, she was tired of the car seat. Understood.
I opened the door as another impatient knock sounded.
Two women stood on the other side and one had a baby in her arms.
“So sorry. Her mum just dumped her on me with no supplies and she won’t go back in her car seat and I’m trying to get all the stuff together one-handed,” I blurted in an exasperated rush of words.
“Oh dear.” The childless woman, who looked to be around my mother’s age, stepped forward. “Let me help.” Before I could say anything, she’d gathered up the supplies I’d just bought and tucked them all into the car seat. “Can you manage like that? Or do you need some help?”
I gave her a grateful smile as I took the proffered car seat. “No, that’s great, thank you.”
“Good luck,” the younger woman said as I walked away.
First, I had to put the car seat in the car. Millie was sleeping in my arms as I strode back into the supermarket and zeroed in on the baby aisle. There seemed to be a million different kinds of formula and baby food. Harley was fifteen months and ate vegetables and all kinds of things now, but when had that started? I couldn’t think. Taking my phone out, I searched online, typing awkwardly with one hand.
According to Google, Millie was still on formula but she’d eat food too.
I should just get her formula and then drop her off at social services.
That was the right thing to do.
Looking down at her face, seeing the sweep of her dark lashes and her tiny wee lips pursing like a goldfish, a pang of panic shocked the fuck out of me.
If this wee girl was mine, I couldn’t abandon her.
Not like I’d been abandoned.
No … she was staying with me until I had the DNA results.
Decision made, I grabbed some formula and headed to the checkout.