Chapter 4
Chapter Four
HOT. MESS.
Gretchen
If avoiding my parents’ inquiries into my life plans was a competition, I’d be the reigning champion. Deflection and avoidance is the name of the game.
When the subject of Sedona comes up, I play along for a bit, but as the questions pile up and the risk of me losing track of my half-truths and straight-up lies becomes too much, I change the subject.
Then there’s the matter of my relocation back to New York. They’re my parents, so of course they have questions. What jobs am I applying for? Where will I live?
My former boss from my spring internship at Saks, Monica, promised to let me know if a position opens up that I could apply for, but that’s about as much effort as I’ve put into my post-college career plans. Instead, I’ve poured all my focus—and funds—into this trip.
If Mom and Dad have noticed I’ve been avoiding them, they’ve had the decency not to let on. Lucky for me, they leave for Italy in a few hours .
The truth is, ever since our dinner in the city over a month ago, I’ve been distracted.
Connor showing up at all was a punch to the gut I wasn’t prepared for, but showing up with a serious girlfriend on his arm felt like a knife straight to the heart.
To wrap up the whole mess of a day, he texted me for the first time in years.
I saw the text the second it came through.
After a quick inner struggle over how to respond, I decided not to because I owe him nothing.
Any tension between us is on him. It can’t be my job to fix it.
Then, my good senses gave way to delirium as I did nothing but think about his message for the next ninety-seven minutes—yes, I counted. One message, I thought. One blunt reply so I could close the open tab in my brain and finally get some sleep.
Spoiler: I didn’t sleep.
Connor hasn’t messaged me since. But it’s fine. I’m fine. Everything’s fine.
Spoiler: I’m not fine.
Many sleepless nights later, I’m here working on the final plans for my trip which is now only three weeks away.
I distract myself on Reddit and Yelp, browsing reviews for hiking trails and restaurants, and cross-referencing them with Mom’s recommendations.
I do a deep dive into the resort’s amenities, considering if and when we’ll be able to take advantage of them.
Five nights at a nice resort might have been overkill, but a cheap motel didn’t really scream birthday celebration . Between the resort, airfare and the detective, my emergency credit card has taken a beating, which is why I’ve vowed not to use it again until it’s paid off.
I click over to the resort’s photo gallery to get a lay of the land at the same time my phone pings from the bedside table. Laptop pushed aside, I grab my phone and roll onto my back, holding it above me to read the text.
Drew
The only flight I could get with my miles lands me in Phoenix three hours after you. You cool to hang out in the airport to wait for me?
Me
No problem.
Drew
How are we getting to Sedona?
Crap. New York living has become so second nature to me with ride shares and public transit that I didn’t even consider how we’d be getting around.
Me
Umm…Uber?
Drew
Seriously? It’s like a two hour drive.
Me
Right…I’d rent a car but I’m not 25, soooooo…
Drew
HA! Ok. I’ll get a car.
Me
Let me know what I owe you.
There goes my plan to stop spending money.
Drew
I got it.
Me
You don’t have to do that, but thank you! Text me your flight details.
Love you.
Drew
Love you more.
Grabbing my laptop, I sit up against the headboard and map the distance between the resort and my birth mom’s address.
A rush of anxious energy courses through me. The longer I keep the truth from my brother, the deeper I dig this proverbial hole. I need to tell him.
As much as I’d like to think this news wouldn’t come as a shock since it’s natural for adopted kids to want to find their biological parents, Drew and I have never spoken about my birth family.
Lack of resemblance aside, our bond has never felt a drop shy of full-blooded.
It’s possible this has never crossed his mind.
I shouldn’t wait another three weeks to tell him. This isn’t a conversation to have over the phone either. With my social calendar full of nothing and no one for the next three weeks, I have no excuse for not making it up to Chicago to see him.
Taking a deep breath, I grab my phone and hit the call button before I talk myself out of it. He answers on the second ring.
“Hey, Gretch.”
“Hey!”
“Okay, I’m looking up rental cars. Do we need an SUV or will a compact do?”
“Whatever’s cheapest. I’m sorry I didn’t think about that sooner.”
“It’s fine. I don’t mind.”
There’s a prolonged silence as I clamp a fingernail between my teeth. Drew cuts the silence. “Stop chewing your nails, Gretch.”
I yank my hand to my lap and scoff. “How did you know?” He releases a teasing sigh. “Never mind. Don’t answer that. I was calling to see what you’re up to over the next few weeks. Mom and Dad are leaving soon and I’m gonna be here alone with nothing to do.”
“Well,” he begins, “Reagan and I have grownup jobs so we’d probably be boring as balls to hang out with.”
“Ew! Stop being such an adult, you loser. ”
“Right? Zero out of ten, do not recommend. Oh wait! We have an extra ticket to the Cubs game next weekend if you wanna come.”
“The game you and Connor were talking about?”
“Yeah. Reagan will be there. Lauren was supposed to come but Connor said she had something come up.”
“Oh…um…” My spine straightens and I have the immediate urge to bite my nails again. “I don’t know?—”
“Come on, it’ll be fun!” Drew’s voice is way too cheery for my current reality, which, I remind myself, he knows nothing about.
I rack my brain for an excuse not to go. Except, I literally just told him I have nothing to do. No plans. None. I fall back to my pillow, palm plastered to my forehead. “Ok. Sure.”
I disconnect the call when Mom and Dad announce their departure from downstairs. A quick farewell at the car turns into a ten-minute run-down of the household checklist I’m responsible for in their absence, as if I didn’t live here for eighteen years.
Set the alarm every night.
Don’t forget to turn on the vent hood if I cook bacon . Good grief, you forget one time and your family never lets you forget about it.
Water the plants every other day.
Clean Franny’s litter box every day.
No house parties. They must be confusing me for my extroverted, frat boy brother.
And, finally, they give me the name and phone number of the neighbor down the street who they’ve already lined up to check on Franny while I’m in Arizona.
I nod along and give them both a hug before waving them off down our long gravel driveway. Back inside, I shut the front door behind me and lean against it. A half-sigh, half-groan sputters out of me as I think back to my conversation with Drew.
All I had to do was make plans to see him. Instead, I’ve somehow agreed to a non-date-double-date with my brother, sister-in-law and my brother’s best friend who happens to have ravished me on a balcony—and subsequently ghosted me—three years ago. Oh, and he has a girlfriend .
My stomach grumbles, snapping me out of my thoughts.
I head to the kitchen and stare into the fridge.
A baking dish of Mom’s homemade tuna casserole lies in wait with a sticky note attached that reads, “There’s another in the freezer.
” I smile—she knows it’s my favorite thing that she makes.
I reach for it, but pause. I think I’m craving something else.
Changing course, I retrieve the ingredients for my ultimate comfort food instead.
I’m scooping the toasted mozzarella and pesto grilled cheese sandwich onto a plate when my phone buzzes in my back pocket. Once I’m seated at the kitchen island, I pull out my phone.
Connor
Drew says you’re coming to the game next weekend.
I guess he’s texting me again. I can’t tell if it’s excitement or apprehension that churns in my belly.
Me
Yeah, maybe.
The three dots appear and disappear three times before he finally replies.
Connor
Oh. Well, I hope you can make it.
I drop my phone to the counter. Apprehension . It’s definitely apprehension.
If I go, I’ll be using Lauren’s ticket. If the roles were reversed, I’m not sure how I’d feel about my boyfriend going to the game with another woman.
That’s ridiculous, though, right? It’s not like I’m a threat.
Connor and I wouldn’t be there together .
He’d just be one person sitting next to another person—adjacent humans, as it were.
Clearly, my thoughts are an incoherent mess. So, naturally, I send a panicked reply that I hope reads cool as a cucumber and not hot mess express.
Me
Is Lauren okay with me using her ticket?
Three dots appear, but I reread my message and feel the need to clarify.
Me
I don’t want to make her uncomfortable.
Wait, that sounds like I think Lauren should be uncomfortable.
Me
Scratch that. I’m just trying to be respectful of her…non-single woman to single-woman, I guess.
Hot mess, Gretchen. Hot. Mess. Also, sliding in your current relationship status? Seriously?
Me
You know what, forget it. I think it’s best I bury my head in the proverbial sand from the safety of my childhood bedroom where the walls are padded, the parents are gone and the alcohol cabinet is stocked. Cheers. *insert clinking glass emoji*
I slam my phone down and groan into my hands. There was not a syllable of cucumber calm anywhere in that tapestry of word vomit.
My phone buzzes.
Connor
Gretchen…
An ellipsis. An ellipsis that might as well be his voice telling me to breathe. My lungs fill with air as the three dots pop up again.
Connor
Lauren and I broke up .
The synapses in my brain fire and misfire in every direction, breath faltering.
Connor
I haven’t told Drew yet. I’d appreciate it if you didn’t say anything.
My heart tumbles like it might fall out of my chest. Why did he tell me, then? It’s because you were a rambling basket case, Gretchen. He probably wanted to shut you up.
Me
Of course, I won’t say anything.
I’m sorry, by the way
I can’t discern if it’s relief or fear that has my head collapsing onto my forearms. I’m so confused. Confused about Connor, about the timing of all this. And, most of all, confused about how I’m supposed to feel.
Maybe I shouldn’t go to the game. Things will be awkward and if things are awkward, then I’ll definitely be the most awkward. Awkward does not sound like fun.
Connor
I really hope to see you there, Gretch.
Well, it looks like I’m going to a baseball game next weekend.