CHAPTER 5
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T here was no point denying it. Beckett had turned into a romcom cliché. He could not sleep, not one wink. He wanted to blame the pizza, Oreos, and his slowing metabolism, but they were not the culprit. The issue was the 500-pound elephant threatening to crush him. He needed to clear the air with Mallory about the last time they saw each other. If Evan hadn’t interrupted their impromptu dinner, he would have spilled his guts and given Mallory the apology of all apologies.
The trouble was, words wouldn’t be enough. Beckett toyed with the notion of Googling how to fix a mess you made two years ago that included ghosting your dearest friend . He was ninety-nine percent certain there wouldn’t be results, but that didn’t mean he wasn’t tempted to try. He couldn’t be the only idiot man out there, right?
Two years ago, Beckett was in the midst of grieving the passing of Gram. She’d suffered a heart attack on the farm while picking apples. Despite getting her to the hospital in time, she never fully recovered from the incident. Her heart had been weakened, and there was nothing anyone could do. For a month, Beckett watched Gramps mourn the impending loss of his other half. It gutted Beckett more than he would admit to anyone.
Everyone shared platitudes of their sympathy.
She lived a full life.
No one was more loved than Gram.
At least she’s in a better place.
Beckett wanted to riot against everyone. He couldn’t believe that no one understood how she still had a full life to live; still had people who loved her and needed her. Extended family and neighbors didn’t realize that Beckett’s world, his short list of loved ones, was down twenty-five percent. Well, no one except Evan and Mallory. The Lawson siblings were there for the entire ordeal. They understood what he lost.
Gram was more than a grandparent. She was basically Beckett’s mother. When the divorce was final, his mom retreated more and more from his life. He was never invited to New England, never saw her at the holidays. The monthly phone calls turned to annual birthday cards, then dwindled to sporadic texts wishing him a happy birthday a month too late. The half siblings that rambled around the Boston area were strangers to him, yet Beckett couldn’t bring himself to miss people he’d never met.
At the time, it didn’t bother him too much because Gram always spoiled him. Nothing from his parents? Don’t worry, there was a three-tier birthday cake covered in marzipan baseballs waiting in the kitchen. Parents forgot his high school graduation? That was fine, because he was off to a resort in the Smoky Mountains with his grandparents. Beckett could fill a book with the times his grandparents stepped up, and he was eternally grateful.
The day of Gram’s service was one of the lowest of Beckett’s life. To add insult to injury, Beckett’s father had appeared long enough to sniff around for his inheritance and stir up trouble. “Hey, Beckett,” his father had said from the porch, hand clenched on the banister.
“Hi” was all Beckett could muster. He pulled at his tie, eager to loosen the damn thing before it threatened to choke him. “What are you doing here?”
His father scoffed, rolling his eyes. “Well, my mother died. Seemed only fitting to come back and check in.”
“Check in? On who? Me? Gramps?”
His father had the decency to look embarrassed, his gaze falling to a loose board on the porch. He toed at the plank and muttered something about the house falling apart. Beckett ground his teeth. He would not be baited by his dad. That man didn’t care about the house or the people who lived in it. Never had, never will.
Beckett stood straight. “You didn’t answer my question.” After pausing for a moment, his dad huffed out a sigh, but still didn’t answer the question. “Ah, I see. You’re not here for a who , but a what .”
That statement brought his father’s head up, and Beckett braced himself for an altercation. Granted it wouldn’t be physical, but Mike Fox had an uncanny ability to say the absolute worst thing at the absolute worst time. “If you must know,” he started, letting out a long sigh like Beckett was putting him out. “I’m curious if Mom left me anything.”
“Are you freaking kidding me?” Beckett stepped forward, coming toe-to-toe with his old man. He hadn’t seen him in over five years, and he’d grown at least another six inches. Mike inched back until he hit the railing. “I’m not here to cause trouble.”
“As far as I’m concerned, you’re not here at all.” Beckett shoved past his father and stormed off toward the orchards. It was late fall; the harvest was done and the trees were bare. The barren scene was fitting for his current mood. He stalked ahead, nearly tripping on exposed roots in his dress shoes. A sensible man would have changed before hiking through groves of trees, but Beckett never considered himself that smart.
Beckett managed to hide away from everyone until Mallory found him an hour later. She was clad in her black mourning dress, her brown hair pulled back in an artful braid. While nothing fancy, the dress hugged her curves in all the right places, giving her skin a creamy hue. She was a vision, his Mallory. And right now, he wanted nothing more than to find comfort in her gaze, in her arms.
“Thought I’d find you up here,” she said, easing down on the ground and tucking her legs beneath her. “Ev saw your dad leave, in case you’re wondering.”
Beckett snorted. “Did he speed off with a big bag of cash? That’s all he came for.” Bitterness oozed from his tone, but he didn’t care. In all his life, Beckett had never hated his father more than he did at that moment.
Mallory reached out and took one of his trembling hands in hers, giving it a firm squeeze. “Your dad is a first-class asshole. I’m not denying that. I saw him speaking to Gramps, but I don’t know what they said. I tried to keep my distance, out of respect to Gramps, of course.”
“You’re one of the good ones, Mal.” Beckett sighed, leaning down so his head rested on her shoulders. Even after an afternoon of helping with guests and tidying up the house, she smelled as fresh as a basket of raspberries.
“I’m here for you, you know. Whatever you need.” Mallory didn’t say anything else for a while. They stayed seated, watching the sun dip below the horizon. Even though his heart was shattered at losing Gram, and seeing his worthless father, Beckett felt a tiny moment of peace. Mallory was his rock, and he was incredibly grateful to be there with her, watching the sun set for the millionth time. It was reassuring, the sun going through its familiar routine. The ritual gave Beckett a little optimism that things would eventually feel right again.
After a little while, he heard footsteps stomping up the orchard row. Evan’s blond head was visible in the fading light, and he raised a hand in silent greeting. “He’s definitely gone. I watched him leave before I came up.” He shoved his hands in his pockets and rolled back on his heels.
Beckett knew he meant his father, and he was grateful for the notice. With everything going on, he knew if he saw his father again, he’d sock him right in the teeth, consequences be damned.
“Thanks, Lawless,” Beckett said. He made no move to pull away from Mallory. The need to be next to her was overwhelming. Every cell in his body screamed to be closer to her, to feel her warmth and absorb any ounce of happiness.
It took a moment, but he realized Evan was looking at him and Mallory like they were picking their noses. His brow furrowed, he frowned and shuffled his feet. “Yeah, man. No problem.”
Whether sensing Evan’s tone, or wanting to give the guys privacy, Mallory pulled herself up and dusted off her dress. “I’m going to go help Gramps with cleaning up.” She held out a hand as Beckett stood. He made no attempt to let go, keeping barely two inches between them. This was an intimate pose, not how friends would stand. For a second, no one moved. It was as if time had stood still. Could Evan tell they were into each other? Beckett felt like it was obvious on a regular day, but today, he was practically a part of Mal’s person, clinging to her like a literal lifeline.
Finally, Evan cleared his throat, jolting them back to the present. Mallory plodded past and disappeared into the trees like a ghost. Beckett missed her immediately.
“How are you holding up?” Evan asked, gesturing to the spot Mallory vacated.
Beckett nodded and sat back down, waiting for his buddy to settle before opening a vein and pouring out all the pain. That was one of the things he loved about Evan; he was no nonsense with feelings. A lot of his buddies would shy away from personal topics, but Evan’s heart was always open, always ready to take on someone else’s pain.
“Honestly, I don’t know.” Beckett leaned back, his hands sinking into the dirt. Despite the harvest being done, the air smelled faintly of apples. The sweet smell tugged a smile from his lips as he thought about all the times Gram would cook or bake with the fruit. He felt her at that moment, surrounding them with her warmth.
Before he could stop himself, he let a morsel of truth slip. “I miss her, and I’m worried about Gramps. They were together for over forty years.”
Evan nodded, his voice low. “That’s a lot of history, but he’s a tough man. He’ll rally for you.”
Beckett scoffed. “He shouldn’t have to rally for me. I need to be strong for him.”
“You will be. Don’t beat yourself up.”
Beckett shook his head, his glasses sliding down his nose. He didn’t bother to push them back into place. “I want that, you know.”
“What?”
“That kind of earth-shaking love. That feeling that I’m with my person, that the world makes sense.”
The fact of the matter was, Beckett knew he already had that with Mallory. Their friendship had morphed over the years into something burgeoning on true love. If things hadn’t happened with Gram, he knew he would have told her by now. But after the heart attack, Beckett was all thumbs. He couldn’t focus on his job, could barely keep himself sane while Gram neared the end.
“You’ll find her, Foxy.” Evan was so certain, so quick to say the right thing.
“Thanks.” Beckett pondered letting the truth out now. It was high time he told Evan how he felt about his sister, how much he loved Mallory. Plus, he wasn’t above using his grief as a shield. No matter his reaction, Evan wouldn’t punch him on the same day as his grandmother’s funeral.
Pulling in a deep breath, Beckett readied himself. “You know, Lawless, I—”
“I’ve been thinking,” Evan interrupted, sitting up and snagging Beckett’s gaze. “It’s high time we got you back out there. Ever since we graduated, you’ve been obsessed with work.”
Beckett wasn’t sure where this line of conversation was going. “Yeah? It’s called a career?” He nudged his buddy, well aware that Evan was in the process of figuring out his own career path. Lucky for Beckett, he’d always been into computers and numbers. Accounting came easily to him, and he liked the life it afforded him. He wasn’t going to be a millionaire, but he’d be able to provide for a family. For Mallory.
“No, I mean we need to find you a girl. You’ve been palling around with me and Mal for too long. You need to get out there and find your great love. You won’t find it with us.”
Beckett couldn’t hear much beyond the ringing in his ears. Where was Evan going with this? Did he know the truth about how Mallory and Beckett felt for each other? The rustling of the trees in the wind was the only sound around them as Beckett struggled to find his words.
“And you have a plan?” he asked, hoping to turn the conversation around.
Evan nodded, his trademark grin in place. “Oh, yeah. I say we drive up to Columbus, or even down to Cincy. Let’s find some cool places and see who’s out there. You can’t stay here forever, man.”
Beckett wanted to argue, to tell Evan there was, in fact, a lot here for him. But he chickened out. Between his father’s appearance and watching Gramps grieve, he couldn’t handle the emotional landmines of telling his buddy he wanted to date his sister. Instead, he took the coward’s way out, certain the truth wouldn’t make it back to Mallory.
“You’re right, Lawless. There isn’t anyone for me here.” The words felt all wrong, bringing a wave of nausea. Beckett rallied, dusting his hands off and clapping Evan on the back. “Give me some time with Gramps, and then we’ll find those girls. I need to get out there.”
Evan chuckled. “That’s the spirit. Your boy is on the case. I am ready to play match maker.”
And that was when Mallory chose to reappear, her arms weighed down with a basket, her expression defeated. “Mallory.” Beckett sprang to his feet, his heart plummeting down to the orchard floor.
Her expression was pinched, her blue eyes shining in the moonlight. “Here,” she said quietly, shoving the basket into his hands. “Thought you might be hungry.”
Evan, completely oblivious to the turmoil around him, beamed. “Thanks, Mal. You’re the best.” He turned to Beckett and threw fuel on the fire. “This is the type of girl you need to find when we go to the city.”
Mallory turned on her heels and damn near sprinted to freedom. Beckett took a step to follow, but Evan kept talking. “Heck yes, she brought us some beers and snacks.”
Beckett knew he needed to go to Mallory, needed to set the record straight. She had to know he was just bullshitting, that he had no intention of following Evan to the city to pick up strangers. That was not his style and never had been. Mallory was his style, and he had a sinking suspicion he had blown it.
But the universe had other plans. Within a month of Gram’s passing, Gramps received his cancer diagnosis. Beckett’s world tilted even further off its axis, and Mallory never came back. His carelessness cost him the most important person in his life, and Beckett had spent every waking moment since that damn night regretting his words, regretting his choices, regretting that he didn’t run after her. Didn’t take a single step toward the woman he loved.
Now fate had thrown them together again. He knew he had a long way to go in making it right, but Beckett would try. Reconnecting with Mallory was the first time Beckett felt like himself in ages, the first time he felt like he was ready to move forward. It had taken them what felt like forever to get here, but he wouldn’t lose Mallory again. Beckett didn’t know how to do this, but he planned on having both Lawson siblings in his life again...whatever it took.