Chapter 32
THE MORNING AFTER
What the hell was she doing? She was going to hyperventilate. Running away was starting to become her mode of operation, and she didn’t necessarily like that. Her flight response was greater than her fight response at this point. It was easier to run, that was for sure. She didn’t have to deal with things when she ran. If she could just get away, maybe she could forget, or make the problems disappear altogether by ignoring them.
Fat chance.
She was great at avoidance. Out of sight out of mind. It worked when she dipped out of Chicago. It worked when she ignored Max’s roses. It worked when she ignored his stupid texts, too. But not this time.
Not with Justin.
Now, she was shoved between a rock and a hard place because there wasn’t a world in which Justin Forge could ever be shoved out of her mind. He was the light in her darkness. Even when she’d just met him and he was infuriating as hell—she still had to admit, he’d always been sunshine.
Her original plan was to let the dust settle, give it time, and then move into the apartment above Justin’s shop. That was, if he even finished it.
Damnit.
It would be okay. They could go back to being just friends, couldn’t they?
The pit in her stomach dropped lower. No, they couldn’t. They’d crossed a line, and she loved him… Well, as much as she possibly could. Knowing that she actually, probably, didn’t know what love was. She was being honest when she told him that she didn’t believe she deserved the kind of love he harbored for her. Justin deserved someone so much better than she was. Someone who didn’t run, someone who could be steady—and someone who could fucking own their shit like he’d said.
She was very aware of her issues. But getting rid of them? How the hell was she supposed to do that? She didn’t go to school for this shit. Add on top of it all an entirely new problem—one that she created. This time, she was the villain who stomped on someone else’s heart and treated it like garbage when she walked out on him.
Not once, but twice…in the same day, no less. What a bitch move.
She needed a distraction. One that wouldn’t put her in tears or fuel the hate fire within herself.
She hadn’t seen Addie and Evie when she got back the night before because it’d been so late. Maybe they wanted to go grab some ice cream or bake cookies with her after they all got dressed for the day.
She pulled her socks on and finished making her bed in the best room, with the best view in Montana.
Wrong again.
Justin Forge was the best view in Montana—and his bed, in his room, was where she desperately wanted to be. She’d moved forward when she moved in with him. Now, it felt like she’d moved ten steps back.
TWO DAYS LATER
“Dinner was great, girls. You always make just the right thing to hit the spot.” Chris rubbed his belly and grinned, conveying he was full and satisfied.
“Why did you come back, Lythie?” A little voice spoke next to Blythe. Addie was desperately concerned over the reason that neither she nor Chris wanted to give.
“I just missed you, that’s all…” She knew no one would buy that lame ass excuse. But she threw it out there and crossed her fingers.
“Did you fight with Justin?” Evie was staring at her with doe eyes the size of Jupiter.
“Now why on earth would you think that?” Blythe knew she was low-key gaslighting everyone at the table.
“Why don’t you two drop your dishes in the sink and head upstairs so I can talk to Blythe alone, please?”
Addie and Evie were always obedient when their dad spoke, especially when it was in the serious tone he was using right now.
When they disappeared up to the second floor, Chris folded his arms over his chest and raised an eyebrow at her. “Why are you such a liar?”
She turned to face her uncle, her defenses rising to the surface and showing every bit on her face. “What? You think I should’ve told them the truth?”
“Why not? I’d think you, of all people, wouldn’t be okay with liars?”
“Oh, so breaking their hearts is better? Is that what you’re saying?” Blythe’s eyes narrowed at her uncle, challenging him to prove her wrong.
“Well, seems like breakin’ hearts isn’t an exclusive sport for men in Chicago. I guess cowgirls can pick up skills and bring ‘em home, too.” Chris stood, taking his plate with him and placing it in the sink with the others. He tucked in his chair and left Blythe alone, still sitting at the table with her own pissed off thoughts.
She was shocked at his lack of empathy for her. Chris had always been concerned about her feelings. Such a hard stance suddenly felt like it was coming out of left field. She knew she messed up. She knew it was her. She knew she had to fucking fix it, but she was lost on how to do a damn thing about it.
THREE DAYS LATER
The crematory called and told her that Bear’s remains were ready. She sent a reminder through the calendar app she shared with Justin to set all of his appointments, and posted the time he’d be able to pick them up.
She felt guilty not going with him. Who would be there to hold him if he needed it? Definitely not the person who left him in pieces after his best friend died, that’s for sure. Definitely not the one who needed therapy herself. Definitely not the one who couldn’t say sorry… Or if she was giving herself the benefit of the doubt—the one who didn’t know how.
She yanked the string on the lawn mower and heard the motor come to life as the gasoline started bubbling inside its little tank. The men usually took care of that chore, but she got to it first. With the loud noise of the machine, maybe she’d be able to drown out the chaos in her mind.
Ope. How’s that avoidance tactic going for you, girl?
She silenced the voice in her head, and hoped Justin was okay. She wished she could be there, holding his hand and reassuring him that everything would be alright.
Every night when she went to bed, and every morning when she woke up, she felt another crack form and another piece of her heart break. Her feelings were still muddled, but she was putting the puzzle pieces together.
When she drove out of the city and headed toward her safe haven there in Montana, she didn’t feel shattered at all. She felt anger, hatred, and a whole lot of frustration for what she’d done and gone through. She’d been pissed, but never shattered…never pieces of her heart crumbling at her feet and turning to ash right in front of her.
Back then, she’d felt hope. She’d seen a new life on the horizon, just over the next hill.
From where she was standing right now, all she could see was hopelessness. She wasn't going to be able to unload all of her baggage in time to save herself, and no one was going to do it for her.
Her back pocket was vibrating. It was probably a client calling to schedule an appointment. Blythe pulled out her phone and answered the call.
“Forge Farrier Co., how can I help you today?”
She set a date and time in the calendar app, so Justin could see all of his appointments in real time. It’d been ten days since she stormed out of his house and told him not to come after her. He’d respected that, even though she knew he was most likely chewing off his own hand every night, fighting the urge to call or text. Maybe he was getting updates from Chris? Sounded like something those two would do.
She finished brushing Fred, the only male horse in the barn, and put her tools away. She found brushing the horses at the end of every day calmed her soul and made both her and the horses feel better.
“It’s been almost two weeks, Lythie.”
The sun was setting and Chris was sauntering into the barn, just as she was walking out. His tone was a bit stern. He was like a parent to her, after all.
“I know it has. What about it?”
“Have you reached out? Talked to him at all? The man loves you, Blythe. What’s your endgame?”
“I don’t know!” It was almost a shout, and she immediately wished she’d spoken softer. “I’m sorry. I mean, I’m not sure.” Her voice cracked with the emotion she’d been hiding under a hard exterior.
“I’ll forgive you for shouting at me because you’re not a kid anymore. You’re a grown ass woman who used to be vibrant and full of life. These last ten days, all I’ve seen is a victim—you feeling sorry for yourself.”
She felt his hands on her shoulders and looked up into her uncle’s bearded face.
“I know what you went through was tough. I’m sorry you got engaged to an asshole and he ripped your heart out and stomped on it. But a few miles down the road is one of the best men to ever walk on God’s green earth, and he’s begging you to let him put it all back together. Are you really going to say no to that?”
She was sick and tired of being the fool.
She was Max’s, and now, apparently, everyone else could see right through her, too. Though she'd realized very quickly, as she drove away that day, that she made a mistake. Her tummy had been in knots ever since she walked out his door. Justin’s words kept playing on repeat, over and over in her mind.
She should’ve taken his confession of love and given it right back. She should’ve thrown her arms around him and stayed. Max was all talk, with no action to back up anything he said. Justin showed her how much he loved her with everything he did. It was nothing like the fancy bullshit she was used to—Max throwing money at her, buying her everything she didn’t want or need. Justin’s actions were genuine, and even if she didn’t trust herself yet, there was one thing she did trust, and it was the love he’d shown her—every day since he knocked her on her ass in that chicken coop.
“You have to forgive yourself, Lythie. I promise, there is no mathematical equation that will solve this problem for you. You won’t dig up the reason why you did what you did—and why you can’t seem to reconcile it all. It's not there. It won’t happen. The key that unlocks this for you is forgiveness. It’s the only thing that will cover any of it. It’s what will erase the pain and erase the mistakes.”
She stared hard at her uncle, trying to gather the courage she’d need to do any forgiving… If it was even possible.
“How do I do it, then?”
Chris shifted sideways and looked out across his property. For a moment, he was silent before turning back and sharing a simple but powerful truth with her. “You have to say it out loud. It’s what Claire told me when I was struggling, after my big tour overseas. ”
Blythe dropped her shoulders and lifted her chin, as she let out all of the air that was in her lungs.
“Okay,” she whispered.
“You can do it. It can be as easy as you allow it to be. You can be stubborn and fight it, or you can be free. It’s up to you.”
Chris nodded and left. He wasn’t going to help her. But, then again, she knew he couldn’t.
Standing alone in the barn, with only the horses and the sunset for company, she pondered what he’d said—then closed her eyes. But when she did, she saw herself… The girl she used to be. The one who fell for a lie and was manipulated and deceived in the process. It was unexpected. She hadn’t realized this was how it would be. Eyes still closed, she smiled softly and spoke to the girl in front of her.
“I forgive you. I forgive you for not understanding, for not seeing the warning signs, and most of all…I forgive me, for not loving you when you needed and deserved it all along.”
She remained there, eyes closed for what felt like a short while. When she finally opened them, all of the words she’d spoken had turned themselves into tears. She let them fall one by one, until they washed away everything. The pain, the disappointment, the fear and the doubt. That piece of her story was finally over. She wasn’t holding onto it any longer. Her hands were empty, not a trace of it lingering.
Without the past crowding her mind and her heart, she could finally see her relationship with Justin clearly. She loved him—undoubtedly and irrevocably. She suddenly needed him desperately, and he needed to hear her say it. Damnit, he deserved to hear her say it.
Though, what was she supposed to do? Just waltz up to his door and say I’m sorry . That felt pretty shallow—at first. But when she thought about it, a person saying they’re sorry might just be the most courageous thing a person could do…and maybe she had just enough courage to do it. Right then, if there was no hesitation.
She bolted from the barn and through the screen door of the ranch house to snatch her bag and her keys. She heard Chris shout from the living room as she gathered her things and rushed back toward the door.
“Where you goin’?”
“To say I’m sorry.” She paused and caught his eye from where he stood, tears still staining her cheeks.
“Atta girl.” Her uncle’s mouth tilted up in a half smile. “I hope I don’t see you for a week. Get outta here. Love you.”
Her heart was going to jump out of her chest. She knew that he wouldn’t hate her for what she did, but she hated herself for it all the same. She rehearsed the entire way over and still felt like her words were pathetic for what she knew she put him through. She knocked on the door and waited for him to answer. She knocked again and waited some more. She knew he didn’t have an appointment currently. She’d checked the calendar to make sure. Maybe he ran to town or?—
“Now, who might you be?”
She jumped and whipped around, hand flying over her chest. There he was, standing in the gravel, right in front of the porch steps. She closed her eyes and tried to slow her breathing.
“Sorry I scared you. Just felt like the first time I walked up on you, and I couldn’t resist. Are you here to get the rest of your things?” His voice was quiet and sincere. There was no anger or malice to it. Damn, he really was too good to be true.
“No, I came to apologize… I wanted to tell you that I’m sorry.” Her chin started to quiver, and she attempted to choke down the emotion. “I wish I could take it all back. I wouldn’t leave. I would let you tell me how much you love me all over again, and instead of being stubborn and bull-headed and selfish, I would wrap my arms around you and tell you that I love you, too. More than air, more than my eyesight—more than I doubt myself.”
Justin lifted a foot and stood on the bottom step, inching closer to her as she spoke. She watched as he climbed each wooden plank, until he was standing in front of her on the main platform. His six-foot-three inch frame felt even more daunting as she waited for a response from him.
“How do you know, Blythe? I have to know you’re sure about this. Not because you feel bad or you want to save my mangled heart. I don’t take emotional handouts. Because if you say you’re all in and it’s me and you, one hundred percent, and we do this, I will not be able to let you go.”
She took a deep breath and exhaled before finally allowing the words to come out. “I know…because I never wanted him the way I want you.” Her misty eyes bore into his. “I never let him put his hands on me the way I let you. I never once ran to his bed in the middle of the night for comfort. I never felt whole when he held me in his arms… I don’t even know if I knew what whole was until you held me.”
She reached out to lay her hand on the large chest in front of her. She could feel his heart beating under her palm, through the fabric of his shirt.
“I know, because when I look at you, my heart grows wings. When I look at you, I can see the future I was destined for. Not the half-assed one I planned for myself. You’ve taught me what it means to be truly, romantically, and deeply loved. Not just because you’ve said beautiful things with your words, but because you’ve shown me with your actions every day since I met you. I trust you, Justin Forge. I trust you to love me. I trust you with my heart. You’ve earned it. All of me is yours—if you still want me.”
Justin put his hand over hers, still pressed against his chest. His free hand moved to cup her cheek as his fingers threaded through her hair.
“You’re damn right, I still want you… I want you like my horse needs to run, and I need you like the earth needs rain. I want all of you, every piece, broken or not. I want every single inch of you, right now—today, tomorrow, and with every breath I take after that.”
His forehead pressed to hers, and she could no longer hold back tears as Justin’s mouth collided with her own, swallowing every sob.
Maybe the adage about hurt people hurting people applied here, as well. Healed people heal people—and Justin Forge continued to stitch her back together with each word he spoke, every tender touch, and the enormous amount of space he was capable of holding just for her.
She pushed at his chest to break their kiss and gave him a breathless yet ardent conviction. “Then show me. Right now. Take me upstairs. I’m done waiting. There’s no reason—not anymore.”