Chapter 6
SIX
Throughout the next week, Bax remained at the forefront of Nick’s thoughts. It was the weirdest thing. He woke up in the morning wondering if Bax had had a good night’s sleep. He got the kids up and fed them breakfast while contemplating asking Bax if he wanted to come over and have breakfast with them. During the day, as he taught his classes and worked on his sculpture, every gust of wind or random person walking past as the film crew wrapped up their work at Hawthorne House made him look to see if Bax might visit him at the forge.
It was getting ridiculous. Especially when Bax was nowhere to be found up at the house on Friday evening.
“You haven’t seen him around, have you?” he asked Blaine when they met in the hallway after Nick had gone to pick up the kids after they’d spent the afternoon with Granny Janice.
“Oh, he’s not here,” Blaine said, coming out of his flat and locking his door behind him. “There’s a formal dance at The Chameleon Club tonight and a bunch of us are going to that.”
“A formal dance?” Nick asked. “Like in school?”
That would explain why Blaine was dressed in a plaid suit with a flouncy collar and why, if Nick wasn’t mistaken, he was wearing eyeliner and lipstick.
“Absolutely like in school, but a million times gayer,” Blaine said with a broad grin. “I feel like the star rugby player asked me to be his date.”
Nick laughed, but he felt more anxious than amused as Blaine sauntered off, probably to meet Alfie and head to the dance. Why he was anxious, he didn’t know. The Chameleon Club was a fancy club in the heart of London owned by The Brotherhood, which was a centuries old organization of gay men. They looked out for each other’s welfare and had tight social connections. It was probably exactly the sort of organization Bax needed after losing his coven.
That was the problem, though. As Nick got the kids settled in the lounge and started supper, he couldn’t shake the uncomfortable feeling that niggled him like an itch in the middle of his back. Bax should find a new social group of people like him. That didn’t mean they wouldn’t be friends anymore. That wouldn’t mean Bax would leave him behind.
Why should it matter to him in any event? He and Bax were just friends. That was all they could be considering Nick wasn’t gay.
Even thinking that sent even more itchy, uncomfortable feelings shooting down Nick’s back. He wasn’t gay. He’d only ever liked women. Except for maybe Matt Allenson, who had been in one of the Art History classes he’d taken at uni. Matt had been extremely feminine and had flirted shamelessly with him. He’d already started dating Raina at that point. Raina had teased him mercilessly over the way he blushed and turned shy whenever Matt was around. She’d joked about Matt being his crush. But she’d never seemed genuinely jealous, so Nick had always brushed the entire Matt thing off as silliness.
Bax wasn’t like Matt, though. He wasn’t feminine, although he was gentle and graceful. But not when he was working out or going on one of his long nature walks.
Nick started joining Bax on his nature walks a few days after the Sainsbury’s trip. It was a ridiculous thing to do, what with the amount of work he needed to get done in the forge and the care and attention the kids required.
“You need more exercise,” Bax told him when he hemmed and hawed about accepting the invitation that first morning he was asked. “Something more than wielding a blacksmith’s hammer, at least. There’s nothing wrong with your arms, but a little walk now and then will be good for your heart.”
Nick wasn’t so sure about that. Several days on, and it was his heart he was most worried about.
“I wish it would snow more in England these days,” Bax commented as they strolled briskly through one of the wooded sections of Hawthorne House’s grounds. “Imbolc is the celebration of midwinter and all about looking forward to spring. There are a few rituals I’d like to bring into my practice that require snow, but that certainly isn’t going to happen this year.”
Nick felt unaccountably bad about that. He felt bad for not being able to give Bax a load of snow to play with. That didn’t make any sense at all.
“So that’s what this festival is, then?” he asked, his breath puffing in the frosty air in front of him as they walked up a small incline. “It’s a snow thing?”
“No,” Bax laughed. “It’s kind of the opposite, really. Imbolc is a fire festival. It’s the festival to honor the goddess of the hearth, Brigid.”
“But it’s celebrated in the middle of winter?”
Bax shrugged. “What better time to celebrate the warmth and light of fire than at a time when everything is cold and dreary outside?”
“You’ve got a point,” Nick said.
It was definitely something to think about. He’d always loved working in the forge in winter. The contrast of blasting red and orange heat inside and cold grey and brown outside had a sort of poetry in it, like opposites attracting.
He glanced at Bax just then and found him smiling and pink-cheeked. That smile sent a rush of warmth through him that made it feel like he had some sort of smoldering forge fire growing within him.
It was a silly thought. Bax was a friend, the closest friend he’d had since Raina had died. Maybe he was just so starved for connection with an adult that he had put more significance into their friendship than he needed to.
Then again, when he’d been over-attached to his friends as a kid, they’d always let him know by pushing him away. Bax definitely wasn’t pushing him away.
“I guess I can make do and figure out another way to celebrate the holiday without snow,” Bax went on as they reached the edge of the woods and started across a swooping, frost-covered field that was filled with wildflowers in the summer. “It’s more about the fire and the feast anyhow.”
“You should hold your ritual, or whatever you call it, in the forge,” Nick suggested with a sudden smile. “The forge is all about fire. We could even set up a barbeque of some sort so you could roast a pig or something.”
Bax laughed out loud. The sound sent shivers down Nick’s back that he tried to ignore.
“I wouldn’t know where to start roasting a suckling pig over an open flame,” Bax said. “But maybe I could find some sort of Dutch oven and a chicken or something and roast it with a bunch of root vegetables.”
“Is that what you’re supposed to do for an Imbolc feast?”
They’d reached a bench that Robert’s father had installed that looked out over the view of the field, and Bax veered off the path to sit for a moment. Nick sat with him, glad they weren’t in a rush to get back to the house and everyone else in his life.
“You can do whatever you want for an Imbolc feast,” Bax explained, stretching his arm out along the back of the bench. That brought his hand into contact with Nick’s arm, but he didn’t seem to notice. “I might have been in charge of planning the ritual for Imbolc, and pretty much every other holiday, in my old coven, but my friend Gerald, who was an excellent cook, was in charge of the menu. He used to come up with something weird and different every year. He said it was an exploration of culinary proportions.”
He laughed, but that laughter faded quickly. Nick’s chest squeezed as he watched Bax’s smile fade and his expression turn wistful as he stared out over the field. He wanted to do something. He wanted to make Bax’s world better.
If he was honest, he wanted to throw his arms around Bax and hug him the way he had when Bax had been removed from that group chat. He’d been trying hard not to read too much into that simple gesture, but it had felt good. Bax’s body was solid and fit, even though he was on the small side. There was nothing feminine about him, so Nick had dismissed his feelings as just being friendship.
“I could help with your celebrations, if you need help,” he offered.
He should not have felt so nervous about making the offer. It absolutely should not have made him jumpy and worried about rejection or being laughed at. He wasn’t asking Bax out on a date or anything.
Bax turned to him, his smile lighting up once again. “Really?” he asked. “You’d want to help me celebrate?”
“Of course,” Nick said, then rushed to add what felt like a necessary, “That’s what friends are for.”
He caught the slightest flicker of something in Bax’s expression. His eyes dropped quickly to Bax’s lips, which were soft and pink from the cold. The pulse of excitement Bax’s lips gave him made Nick quickly snap his eyes up to meet Bax’s, but that didn’t help the roaring uncertainty and…discomfort? Was it discomfort that buzzed through him, settling in places he didn’t want to think about?
“You’re a good friend, Nick,” Bax said, brushing Nick’s arm.
His touch lingered. The air between them seemed charged, like a storm was about to break out. Their eyes stayed locked, and Bax pressed his lips together like he was going to say something. Or maybe do something. Bax definitely had an energy about him that said he was about to do something .
Nick held his breath. Did he want Bax to do something? He’d never been particularly physical with his affection, except with Raina. That was more about what Raina wanted than what he did. He certainly hadn’t kissed anyone since Raina.
Why was he thinking about kissing anyhow? Kissing Bax?
It didn’t feel like a bad idea.
It felt like a terrible idea.
“We should probably be getting back,” he said in an embarrassed rush, standing and starting forward without checking to make certain Bax would follow. “I’m so far behind on the unicorn.”
“And I’m farther behind with the arts center’s books than I want to be,” Bax agreed, standing and falling easily into step with Nick, like nothing had happened between them.
Nothing had happened between them. They were just two friends talking, two friends who had both experienced a kind of loss recently and who were leaning on each other for emotional support. That was it. Nothing to see, nothing to write home about.
“What are you going to do once you’ve finished auditing the arts center?” Nick asked, more panic swirling in his gut with that question than he wanted. Would Bax leave? Would he head off to London or someplace where he would be around people like him?
“I’ve already started the process of opening my own accounting firm,” Bax said. “I’ve filed the necessary papers to register the business. I’ve been working as an independent accountant for six months or so now, but I’d like to expand that.”
“Expanded accounting,” Nick laughed.
He immediately writhed with embarrassment. He was babbling and laughing for no reason. Bax would think he was an absolute nutter.
“I’ve got this idea that I’d like to specifically serve the LGBTQ community and hire LGBTQ staff,” Bax went on as if Nick wasn’t the most ridiculous person on the planet. “Back in the Victorian heyday of The Brotherhood, there were all sorts of accountants and lawyers and the like who specifically served that community. Call me sentimental, but I’d like to carry on with that tradition.”
“And you’d have a built-in clientele, what with The Brotherhood still existing and all,” Nick said.
“Well, yes, there is that,” Bax said, smiling.
Nick smiled in return, but he didn’t feel at all happy. If Bax got involved with The Brotherhood there would be no possible way he would want to stay at Hawthorne House. He’d be off swanning around London, meeting all sorts of fascinating and beautiful men. Men who didn’t have two small children to raise. Men who weren’t towering blacksmiths who couldn’t even talk to a friend without worrying they were making an arse of themselves.
But why did it matter to him what Bax thought or who he met and potentially dated?
Because it did. That was all there was to it. It mattered to Nick that Bax was close to him. It would matter if that closeness suddenly vanished.
“Thanks for the walk,” Bax said once they’d made it back to the house and had crossed into the family’s portion of the building.
“Anytime,” Nick said, hoping he sounded smooth and relaxed when he was anything but.
“I might just have to take you up on that,” Bax said with a wink as they started up the stairs.
Nick laughed, not because it was funny, but because his heart was so filled with giddy uncertainty that if he didn’t laugh he’d probably wail like Jordan having a fit.
That jumble of emotion immediately took a backseat when they reached the upstairs hallway only to find his mum standing in the doorway of his flat, arguing with Imogen, his babysitter.
“Bloody hell,” he muttered, picking up his pace. Bax followed him. “What’s going on here?” he asked once he reached his mum.
“Oh, hello, dear,” his mum said, perfectly calm. “I’ve decided to spend the day with my grandbabies, but this poor woman seems to object.”
“I didn’t know she was coming to fetch them today,” Imogen said, looking nervous.
“I didn’t know she was coming either,” Nick said, glancing from Imogen to his mum.
Bax swayed to his own flat’s door, but before he turned the handle to go inside, he sent Nick a questioning look.
“It’s fine,” Nick said, smiling both at Bax and at Imogen. “We can figure this out.”
Bax nodded, then winked at him before heading into his flat and shutting the door behind him.
That wink felt like it might unravel Nick’s soul.
He took a breath and turned back to his mum and Imogen. “Mum, you know you need to call before you come fetch the kids. You can’t just decide to have them.”
“I did call,” his mum said, looking offended.
Nick frowned and reached for his phone in his back pocket. Sure enough, he’d had a missed call from her roughly an hour before. He’d just begun his walk with Bax when she’d called. He hadn’t heard the ring or felt the vibration.
“Sorry I missed it,” he said then went right into, “Imogen is here for the day. I’m paying her and she probably needs the money.”
“I do,” Imogen said hesitantly. “But I’ve also got a paper to write for half-term.”
“There you have it,” Nick’s mum said with a nod. “Imogen has a paper to write. I’ll take the babies so that you both can be free. I’ll even pay for your time,” she told Imogen.
“Really?” Imogen brightened. “That would be ace.”
Nick’s mum arched one eyebrow at her lingo, then marched into the flat like everything had already been decided.
Nick and Imogen followed her into the flat. Imogen gathered up her things then said goodbye to the kids and headed out.
“You didn’t need to chase my babysitter off like that,” Nick said as he helped his mum get the kids into their coats while she packed their nappy bag.
“I didn’t chase her off,” his mum said. “I freed up her time and yours. Besides, I love spending time with the babies.”
Sometimes Nick wondered about that. She certainly took her time before coming over to pick Macy up and bounce her in her arms.
Nick ignored her comment in favor of chasing Jordan to put his coat on, but everything came to a screeching halt when his mum said, “You should just let me keep them.”
Nick straightened abruptly, pulling Jordan up into his arms as he did. “I beg your pardon?”
His mum turned to him with her serious discussion face. “I’ve been thinking about it quite a bit lately, and I think you should hand the children over to me to raise.”
“No,” Nick said, laughing at the ridiculousness of the idea. A wave of fear pulsed underneath his laughter, though. “I don’t need anyone’s help raising the kids.”
“Don’t you?” his mum asked as Jordan whined and tried to get down. “You’re always giving them over to babysitters.”
“Because I have a job,” Nick said. “Most people have jobs and put their kids into some sort of daycare.”
“But you don’t have to, darling,” his mum argued. “I live less than twenty minutes away, I’m retired, and Joann also lives with me. She’s trained in these sorts of things, you know.”
“I’m trained in them, too,” Nick said, trying not to get upset. Jordan was wiggly enough already, and the kids had a way of picking up on his mood.
“You are not,” his mum said with a frown.
“I’ve been a father for three years plus,” Nick said, moving to the couch so he could set Jordan down and do up the zip on his coat. “If you ask me, that gives me more experience than anyone who went to school for early childhood development.”
“You’re a single man in your prime, Nicholas,” his mum said. She was clearly exasperated, since she was using his full name. “You should be out dating. You should be looking for a new wife to help raise your babies and so that you can have more.”
Those words felt like ice water trickling down Nick’s back. He didn’t want to date. At least, he didn’t want to go out with a bunch of women he wasn’t interested in. He didn’t want to pick at all his reasons why, though.
“If you found someone else, you could move out of this madhouse and find a place of your own,” his mum said once he finally sorted Jordan and picked him up again.
Nick blew out a breath. If he’d had a free hand, he would have rubbed it over his face in frustration. That’s what the whole thing was about. His mum wanted him to move away from Hawthorne House. Knowing her, she probably wanted him to cut ties with Raina’s family entirely.
“No, Mum,” he said as calmly as he could. “I’m not farming out my children like they did in the old days. We’re doing just fine as we are.”
His mum sent him a withering look as they headed out into the hall. She didn’t say anything more about her plan as they took the kids down to her car, but that didn’t mean she wasn’t thinking about it. Nick chose to ignore the issue as he bundled his babies up to go spend a day with Granny, but despite having given his mum a firm no, he would have been an idiot to think the whole thing was settled. His mum didn’t give up that easily.