Chapter 5
Chapter Five
CITI
I nod in thanks and feel something inside me swell at the thought.
I’ve spent a lifetime being weak. Yeah, some of that was down to my height and malnutrition, but most of it was down to my fear.
I was just a little girl when Jasper took me.
It was a dynamic between us that should have disappeared as I got older.
But it didn’t, mainly because he enforced those roles.
I was always a child to him, property to command.
Though I fought back hard in the beginning, I did learn some lessons.
Sometimes the most dangerous thing you can do is fight or run.
Even at my young age, I figured out that the only thing keeping me alive was my submission.
My ego stroking made him feel like the big man that he could never be outside that house of horrors.
I’m not dumb. I knew I’d outgrown him the moment I became an adult, but by that point, he had become as reliant on me as I had on him.
“Citi?”
“Sorry, lost in thought. You’d really teach me how to fight?”
He moves closer until he’s standing right in front of me. “Yeah, Citi, whatever you need.”
“Thank you. I don’t know if I’ll be any good, but I’ll work my ass off—”
He dips his head, his nose skimming mine. “You’ll get no pressure from me, angel. I want you to feel confident, that’s all. Fighting can give you that for sure.”
“Will you teach me how to get away from someone bigger and stronger than me?” I ask in a whisper.
His hands move to my shoulders before he tugs me in for a hug. “You bet I fucking will. I’ll teach you how to get out of holds first because in a fight against a man, the best thing you can do is run.”
“And if I can’t?”
“Then I make sure you know dozens of ways to disable one so that you can.”
“I like the sound of that. Havoc offered to get me a gun. Kruger has been letting me use the gun range with his work friend to see how I handle one first.”
“Nathan?”
“Yeah, him. He’s been helping me learn to shoot.”
“I’ll come with you next time. I strive to stay up to date with my skills. Fighting comes naturally to me, but shooting, not so much. It’s something I have to keep practicing at.”
“That sounds good. I think Havoc and Kruger thought I might get overwhelmed if I went when most of the club brothers go. They have a day when they all go to shoot, right?”
He nods. “Last Monday of every month for those who can make it.”
“Do the old ladies go?”
“No. I think someone said Delphi did back in the day, but I haven’t seen her since she’s been back on the scene. Legs and Nevaeh don’t have much interest. And just between you and me, Amity can shoot most of us brothers under the table.”
I chuckle at that. “I’m glad my sister has her as a best friend. They’re like yin and yang, opposites that fit perfectly together.”
“That pretty much sums them up. Did you want to go with the club?”
“I don’t know. Havoc and Kruger assumed I couldn’t cope, and I didn’t correct them, but men think like men.”
He looks at me, bemused, because how else would he think?
“I mean, never actually being a woman, they don’t assess risks the same way we do. They think I’ll feel safer with just Nathan because more men equals more fear, right?”
“Right.”
“And in some circumstances, that’s absolutely true.
Like if it were a group of strangers. But it’s not.
It’s men I know—men like Havoc, who would kill anyone who tried to mess with me.
So, in this scenario, I’d actually be safer with the group than alone with a single man I don’t know all that well and who isn’t bound by the club’s bylaws.
Plus, it’s easier to get away with something if there is nobody there to witness it and hold you accountable.
In cases of he said she said, women rarely come out the victor. ”
“Well fuck, when you put it like that, I feel like an idiot. I just assumed Nathan came across as non-threatening and—”
I shake my head and sigh. “Hate to burst your bubble, Ambros, but no guy comes off as non-threatening. To you, predators have sharp fangs and claws. To me, the worst kind of predators use pretty words and secret smiles. Fathers, sons, brothers, and uncles —even grandfathers—are safe for some and a potential nightmare for others. You read the sex offenders register and you’ll find it littered with clergymen, doctors, teachers, and police officers, people we are inherently taught as children to trust. People you would deem as safe and non-threatening. ”
My words are having an effect on him. I bet his stomach is churning, likely thinking about Star being at school right now, with teachers he’s never met.
The fact that she doesn’t speak makes it worse.
And now he’s experiencing a fraction of the fear most women encounter more than once in their lifetime.
* * *
I climb off the bike, thankful that my ass doesn’t hurt this time, and hand Ambros the helmet.
“I don’t like that you make me wear this when you don’t have one for yourself.”
“I won’t risk you.”
“I don’t want to risk you either.”
He looks me over, and must see something in my eyes, because instead of arguing about it, he nods. “I’ll pick one up later today.”
“Thank you.”
“Not a hardship having a pretty girl worry about my handsome face” he teases as he swings his leg over the bike and stands next to me.
“You won’t look so handsome if you get in an accident and smear that face of yours across the asphalt.”
“Alright, point taken.” He looks around. “You want to wait here while I go up and grab the keys, or you want to come with me?”
I bite my lip, hating feeling like a fucking chicken all the time, but also smart enough to know I have limits for a reason. Being a coward is better than being a blubbering wreck because I tripped a trigger and ended up rocking in the corner somewhere. Still, I have to try.
“I’ll come with you. Just don’t leave me, okay?”
“Never.”
I swallow because his words feel like a promise. Somehow I know he isn’t just talking about here, today.
“What is it about you?” I murmur, looking up at him.
Ambros is a force to be reckoned with. He’s huge.
Maybe an inch taller than Havoc and built like a fighting machine.
He has the kind of body that you see in those men’s health magazines, all aesthetically shot in black and white.
My mind wanders for a moment as I imagine what he’d look like, all greased up and leaning over me.
I wait for the familiar panic to slip into my mind, like black smoke drifting across the sun. But, for once, it doesn’t appear.
He grins, and I won’t pretend that smile doesn’t do things to me. Things I’m not ready for yet. Things I might never be ready for.
With his sharp jaw and rugged features, he’s too much man to be considered handsome.
Panty-melting. I heard someone on TV use that once.
I never understood the concept until now.
His nose has been broken, judging from the bump at the bridge.
Likely more than once. He has a small scar on the cleft of his chin and one above his left eyebrow, both of which have faded to silvery marks with age.
He looks like the quintessential bad boy.
Yet this man has been nothing but good to me, and I have no idea why.
I think back to that day when I first saw him.
Amid a sea of chaos and confusion filled with leather cuts and menacing scowls, his reassuring smile and soft words became a lifeline in the dark, urging me to hold on. And hold I did.
And here I am, many months later, still holding on—scared to let go, scared to embrace it. I am wildly out of my depth, with no clue how to swim. But the thought of walking away is almost as terrifying as trying to navigate this new life that everyone raves about.
“I’ve lost you again. It really is okay for you to wait here. I won’t think any less of you—nobody would. And if they did, I’d kill them. Simple.”
I laugh, laying my head on his arm as I fortify my nerves. “I’m good. My mind tends to drift when I’m processing. I’ve turned into a space cadet, but the therapist I was seeing said it was normal. She seemed pretty impressed with my coping skills.”
“She should be.”
I snort. “What skills, Ambros? I have no idea what I’m doing.”
“You’re the most remarkable woman I’ve ever met, Citi,” he says softly. There’s no mirth in his words. He’s completely serious.
I flush as I turn, dipping my head as I let him lead me out of the warehouse. “It never gets old.”
“What doesn’t?”
“Looking at this place. It’s like being on a movie set.” I nod to the path leading up to the saloon, my eyes flicking across the properties on either side of the path.
“Funny you should say that. Some of this place did feature in a movie.”
“That’s pretty cool.”
I take it all in as he leads me further into the lion’s den. I’ve been here before, twice in total. Once, when I was collecting Star from Havoc and Nevaeh, and once when Havoc hid me and Star before moving us into Kruger’s old place. How he managed to keep us a secret, I’ll never know.
When we reach the double doors, he looks at me. “You ready?”
“Yes.”
He pushes the door open and walks in, pulling me along behind him. I glance around, my heart thundering so loudly in my chest, I’m surprised Ambros can’t hear it.
Havoc and G clock me the moment I walk in. I offer them a small wave before I spot Probe, whom I met once before, and a couple of other bikers I don’t recognize.
Havoc walks over with G just behind him. “Citi? Everything okay?”
“Um, yeah, it’s fine. We just came to get the truck.”
Havoc looks at Ambros, who explains, “Going to pick up Star from school. It’s her first day.”
Havoc frowns and looks back at me. “How did you get her there?”
“I called a cab. Why?”
“Why didn’t you call me? I would have taken her or had a prospect take you.”
“Why go out of your way? That doesn’t make any sense.”
“Star is my niece. Of course, it makes sense.”