Chapter 10
Chapter Ten
AMbrOS
I swapped out my bike for one of the club trucks. We have a couple now, most with car seats, which makes things easier. But truth be told, I have a garage full of cars and trucks. I rarely need to borrow one unless I go somewhere alone on my bike and come back with passengers. Like today.
Star had dozed off in the back, so I keep the volume of the radio low, glancing a few times over at Citi, who was sitting quietly, lost in thought.
“You okay?”
“Hmm?” She looks at me.
“You’re quiet, that’s all.”
“Are you saying I’m usually loud?” she teases, making me smile.
“Not at all.”
“Good. But no, my head’s all over the place, that’s all.
Neveah’s going to help me out with Star’s school fees.
The private school is perfect for her, but I wrote it off when I saw how much it would cost. Nevaeh wants to pay—won’t take no for an answer.
Heck, even as a kid, she was stubborn. So if I had to guess, I’d say she’s probably already paid a year in advance so that I couldn’t say no anyway. ”
I chuckle. “That does sound like something your sister would do.”
“Right? The thing is, she’s right. She can afford to do it and she wants to, so why do I feel so weird about the whole thing?”
“Probably because you’re used to watching out for Star all by yourself. You’re not alone anymore, angel. But it will take some time for your brain to catch up with all that.”
“I guess.” She scrunches up her face. “We also talked about me getting my GED.”
“Sounds like a plan. Need any help with that?”
“Honestly, I’m going to need all the help I can get. Nevaeh’s going to organize a tutor, so for right now I’m going to leave it in her capable hands. She did say something that stuck with me, though.”
“Oh yeah, what’s that?”
“That I need to find something to do beyond surviving. You know, live the life I got a second chance at. The problem is, I don’t know what I want to try. It’s pretty damn daunting.”
“Don’t overthink it. Start with something small and go from there. Try a new drink or a different place to eat, visit the beach, or learn to swim. Most things you try will be new experiences, right?”
She nods. “Yeah, I guess so.”
“And anytime you want to try something new with me, all you have to do is let me know.” I waggle my brows at her.
“Okay, thanks.” She bites her lip before looking away.
I pull up outside the front of the house and look over at her. “Remember. This isn’t a race. I know Nevaeh means well, but she can be…”
“Pushy?”
I laugh. “Yeah, that. My point is, take it day by day. You’re still finding your feet. Nobody is expecting you to start sprinting right out of the gate.”
“I guess you’re right.”
“It’s been known to happen.” I wink at her as I jump out and move to the back passenger seat, gently easing Star out of her car seat and into my arms. She doesn’t even stir.
I walk around as Citi jumps out and looks up at me with her soft gaze.
“She’s really out for the count.”
“She’s a heavy sleeper, thank goodness.”
I open my mouth to ask her why that’s good when I see the shadow cross her face. I snap my mouth closed and wrap my arm around her shoulder instead. “You get the door, angel. Let’s get this princess to her bed.”
She nods and fumbles in her pocket for her key before walking up to the door. I wait for her to unlock it and then type in the alarm code before following her inside.
It smells like Citi in here—light and floral, but in a soft way that teases the senses rather than overpowering them. She leads me upstairs and pushes open a door that leads to Star’s room. I move to lay her down, but Citi stops me. “Let’s get her jacket off first.”
I hold Star steady as Citi eases Star’s arms out of the sleeves and then lays her down. I look around the room as Citi slips Star’s sneakers off and pulls a blanket up over her.
“It’s cute in here.”
“Thanks. It’s good for now. We kept it simple until Star can decide what she likes, though honestly, it’s more of a playroom than a sleep room.”
“I don’t understand.” I frown as we leave the bedroom, the door staying ajar so we’ll hear if she wakes up.
“Star won’t sleep in her bed. At some point, she’ll wake up and end up with me or on the floor under her bed.”
“Is that normal?” I curse myself, silently realizing how off that sounded.
She shrugs as she leads the way back downstairs. “I don’t think I should be the one to judge what’s normal.”
“She went through a lot. You both did. She probably needs the comfort of her mom’s arms.”
“I know that’s a big part of it. So even though it’s frowned upon, given her age—”
“Wait, who the fuck is frowning? It’s nobody’s business.”
She slides her hand over my wrist and smiles.
“I love how protective you are of her. Back home, once we were settled in at my dad’s, I started taking Star to mother-and-baby groups.
Most of the kids there were younger, but developmentally wise, I thought Star would benefit from being around other children, and younger ones can be less intimidating. ”
“And did it help?”
“A little. The kids didn’t care that Star didn’t talk.
They just liked having someone to run around with.
The moms, though…they were something else.
I don’t know what I expected, but it wasn’t the ‘snooty, holier-than-thou’ attitude.
It was held at my dad’s church on Tuesday and Thursday mornings, and they were the longest hours of my life.
These women were god-fearing women, women of faith, and all that jazz.
They knew who Star and I were, knew what we’d been through.
And yet every second, I sat there feeling judged and found lacking. ”
“Are you fucking kidding me?”
“I wish I were. Apparently, having a child out of wedlock to some was a greater crime than being abducted and raped. Don’t get me wrong, some people in the congregation were sweet.
They went out of their way to ensure that Star and I had everything we needed, from clothing and toys to books and even home-cooked meals, which they delivered to the house daily.
But those support groups? Yeah, they were anything but supportive.
If anything, they made me turn in on myself even more than before because I felt like I was failing some invisible test that had been set for me.
It didn’t help that my first therapist kind of agreed with them. ”
“Didn’t your dad do anything?”
“At first, he didn’t notice because he didn’t attend those sessions.
But when I stopped going, he did a little digging and found out what had been happening.
To say he was pissed was an understatement.
He made a spectacle during one of his sermons, sharing how disappointed he was with them and basically had the rest of the parishioners turning on them.
My dad used to be all about forgiveness and turning the other cheek, but I guess he’s changed a lot over the years. ”
I grunt at that, drawing her attention once more. “How are things with you and your dad?”
“Why?”
“Just curious. I was shocked as hell he let you come back here.”
“Let me?”
I wince at the tone of her voice. “Let’s just say the relationship between your dad and Nevaeh is very different. I guess I was using that same yardstick to measure your relationship by.”
She huffs and throws herself down onto the sofa.
I take the chair opposite her. “See, neither of them will give me the full scoop on what went down there. It’s hard because I feel like everyone is keeping secrets to protect me.
But without all the information, I’m blind to so much that I feel like I’m stumbling around like an idiot. ”
“It’s not my place to really comment, but I will say this: your sister lived a pretty sheltered life after you were taken.
I think in his head, your dad was trying to keep her close to keep her safe, but he wasn’t particularly nice to her either.
Perhaps, like when we discussed Delphi before, it was a defense mechanism.
He lost one daughter, and it nearly killed him.
It cost him his wife, too. So if he kept the other at arm’s length and tried not to love her, it wouldn’t hurt if something happened. ”
“Why are men so dumb?”
“Not sure I have an answer for that,” I tease.
“They seem to be trying to muddle through now. I know my sister speaks to him once a week because he tells me about it. They’re slowly building a relationship, just like I am with him, but I think they’ll be wildly different.
If the shoe were on the other foot, I’m not sure I could forgive my dad for checking out and mistreating me when I needed him most. I get that he was hurt and scared and that he’d lost a child and his wife, but Nevaeh lost her sister and her mom.
She needed her daddy, and he….” She shakes her head.
“He fucked up. But that’s between them to sort out.
I won’t get involved or take sides. I’m not even sure what my relationship will end up like with either of them yet.
It’s still really early days. Maybe this time next year, we’ll all be estranged and the only time they’ll think of me is when a Lifetime movie is made about my story. ”
“You don’t believe that.”
“I’m not sure what to believe anymore.”
I get up and move to the sofa, sitting beside her. She turns so she can face me.
“You don’t trust them not to abandon you?”
She blows out a frustrated breath. “I wish it were that simple to explain away. I trust them as much as I trust anyone right now. You’d think it would be more, that they’d be my touchstone because we’re family, but family complicates things. I know I love them, and for now, that has to be enough.”
I don’t get where she’s coming from. I’d do fucking anything to have my family back, especially my sister, even if it were just for a day. I feel like there was so much I never got to say to her, so many things I thought we’d get around to doing that we never did.
“I know you don’t get it. That’s okay. I’m not sure I get it myself half the time.
” She rubs her eyes tiredly. “They lived a whole life while I was gone. Made decisions they might not have made if I hadn’t been taken.
The landscape was bleak for them for such a long time, and then when life slowly returned, it wasn’t the same as before.
Nothing bloomed. Roots became tangled to the point of strangulation.
If they had found a body in the first few years after I’d been taken, they’d have been able to grieve me and start to heal.
Maybe they’d have cut their losses and gone their separate ways, let everything that had become so twisted and chaotic die out… But then I came back.”
“That’s a good thing, though. That’s all they both wanted.”
“Until the new seeds are planted—seeds of discontent and resentment. Nothing that happened to me was my fault, but at times I still blame myself. How can I not expect them to do the same? On the flip side, there is a tiny part of me that’s mad at them, too.
It’s not rational and I’ll never admit it to them, but it’s there anyway, like a scab I keep picking. ”
“I’m not sure I understand.”
“That makes two of us.” She taps her fingers against her forehead.
“They lived a life while I was slowly dying. My mom removed herself from this earth so she didn’t have to feel the pain of losing me, while I was trapped in hell, losing baby after baby, and forced to endure it.
I’m mad because she escaped, and I couldn’t.
Mad that my dad and my sister’s relationship is so damaged over stupid fucking shit when I was being raped and beaten on a daily basis.
I can’t even imagine what my life would have been like if my biggest issues were that my daddy was too strict or my daughter was too lovely.
I mean, I gave you a whole spiel about how trauma is trauma, but I can’t deny that perspective changes everything. ”
“And in the grand scheme of things, their issues are trivial compared to yours.”
“Yep, and then I feel like a bitch for feeling that way to begin with. They hoped for a miracle, but in their hearts, they thought I was dead. They had every right to move on with their lives.”
“But you were stuck in yours.”
She closes her eyes in defeat. Her voice came out as a choked whisper. “They stopped looking for me. Every damn day, I prayed for rescue, but nobody was coming. It messes with my head that if Jasper didn’t make a grab for Nevaeh, me and Star would be dead right now.”
“You’d have held on, found a way to survive—”
She shakes her head, the look of guilt, shame, and devastation on her face as she whispers her secret to me. “No. Star had begun to catch Jasper’s eye. I thought we’d have more time, given how old I was when he took me, but I’d seen the change in him. I recognized that gleam of lust in his eyes.”
I swallow bile, willing myself to hold still so she can get the rest out.
“I’d have tried to kill him first. I’d tried before and failed over and over, but I’d have tried again. And if that didn’t work…” Her voice trails off as the tears start flowing down her face, horror hitting me a moment later at the cruel hopelessness she must have felt.
“You’d have killed Star.”
“I’d have set her free and followed right behind her.”