Chapter 21
Chapter Twenty-One
CITI
The hole in the knee of my jeans has never been so interesting. I tug at the frayed edges, avoiding all eye contact with Michael.
“Citi?”
I wince and look up. He’s watching me with a blank expression, his iPad sitting on his lap. He wheels himself a little closer as I blow out a nervous breath.
“Can I ask why you’re so nervous? You didn’t appear this worried during our first meeting. Have I done something to make you feel uncomfortable?”
I shake my head. “No, I’m just...” Embarrassed, shy, worried, losing my goddamned mind?
“Citi, did something happen since I last saw you?”
I blow out a shaky breath, pull up my imaginary big girl panties, and blurt it out. “I had sex!”
He looks at me with patience, like he’s waiting for more, but I have nothing else to give him.
I tug on the collar of my T-shirt, wondering if this is what the sex talk would have been like with my dad if things had been different. I blink as that thought enters my head, then shiver at the idea of my preacher father teaching me anything other than my ABCs.
“Was this the first time you had sex since your release from captivity?”
I frown. “You’re making me sound like I escaped from a zoo.”
“A zoo, no. But a prison, yes?”
I concede his point with a nod. “I…yes, this was my first time since…him.”
He lifts his iPad and starts typing. “How was it?”
I open my mouth before shutting it again, feeling bashful. “It was good. It didn’t hurt.”
He looks up from typing. “If done right, sex shouldn’t hurt. Unless, of course, that’s what you’re into. I don’t judge.”
“Wait, people like it when it hurts?” I frown in confusion.
“Some, yes, and to varying degrees. Many people like a bit of pain to enhance the pleasure. A sharp sting made with teeth at the peak of orgasm, or a hard slap to the butt. Of course, there are people who take it to their extremes. But as long as it’s between consenting adults, I don’t see the harm in it. ”
“I don’t understand why anyone would want it to hurt.”
“Not all hurt is the same, and consent in those scenarios is everything.”
I mull over his words. Though I understand what he’s saying, I don’t think, given my history, I’ll ever truly get it.
“The person you had sex with, do they know your history?”
I nod and watch as he makes a note.
“Good. Being honest with your partner will be key here. As much as it would help, men can’t read minds. If he does something that trips a trigger, you need to tell him and then either work around it or set a limit.”
“Ambros made it pretty clear I had all the power, and it helped a lot. There wasn’t a second when I worried he would push me too hard.”
“Ambros is your…”
“Mine. He’s mine and I’m his. I don’t know what that means yet, but those are his words, and they make me feel good. I’ve never belonged to someone before.”
“Haven’t you?” It’s as if he poured a bucket of cold water over my head. “I’m not saying this to be negative, just think about the language you’re both using. I don’t want either of you to fall into a pattern that might undo some of the hard work you’ve done in your recovery.”
“I’m not sure I understand,” I whisper, feeling small.
“Recovery is a journey. The distance you’ll cover on your way to healing will be different from others who have walked the same path, because we all heal in different ways.
Sometimes we veer off course, sometimes we take a few steps backward, but ultimately, it’s a road you must walk down alone.
You can have people join you. They can even carry you for a while.
But if you don’t force yourself to keep putting one foot in front of the other, you’ll never make it to the end. ”
“I’m not sure I know what this has to do with sex,” I admit.
“Perhaps nothing, perhaps everything. My point is to listen to yourself. Don’t ignore your triggers or, for that matter, your instincts.”
“Okay. I can do that.”
“Good. Tell me about…” He looks down at his iPad with a frown for a moment. “Ah, yes, Ambros.”
I think of the man, feeling butterflies like some love-sick teenager.
“I’m not really sure where to start. He was there that day.
He carried me from the house and gave me his hoodie to wear.
I still have it.” I swallow, looking out the window, not wanting to think about that house and all the horrors attached to it.
“We kept in touch while I went back home to recuperate. We texted and wrote letters to each other. Outside of the bubble my dad created around us, he was my lifeline.”
“Understandable. Is he the reason why you left your father’s home?”
“He played a part in my decision. I love my dad, and physically, I healed under his care. But mentally, it was another story altogether. His faith kept him going. I lost mine somewhere between cleaning blood from my inner thighs when I was ten-years-old and burying my first child. We no longer fit into the same boxes we used to. What happened changed me, but it changed him, too. It changed all of us. I knew if I didn’t leave and figure out how to stand on my own two feet, I’d make myself a hostage all over again. ”
“So you went to stay with your sister?”
“No, I stayed at one of the houses that one of the brothers rents. I kept it quiet. I needed a chance to adjust, and I knew if Nevaeh knew I was here, she’d swoop in and take over. It was crappy of me to get Havoc to lie for me, but I wasn’t sure what else to do.”
“Did it put a strain on their relationship?”
I lean forward and frown. “No, I don’t think so. I hope not.”
“I only ask because you said you were a twin. Put yourself in your sister’s shoes. Would you like to find out that your sister and partner were hiding things from you?”
I shake my head, my stomach cramping at the damage I might have done. “I didn’t think.”
“You didn’t know. It’s not the same thing. Now you do. Havoc shouldn’t have put himself in that situation, but that’s on him, not you. Just be wary next time. Not everyone will have your best intentions at heart.”
“He’s been good to me. They all have.”
“I’m not doubting that, and I certainly don’t think they’re bad people. My only concern here is you. I think it’s more than likely they just haven’t thought about how things will affect you differently.”
I screw up my face, not wanting to be different. I am so freaking tired of not fitting in with everyone else.
“Don’t let this upset you or set you back.
Things will get easier. It’s just important that you look at things from all angles.
You’re used to living your life through a certain lens.
You had zero interaction with people your own age, and important stages you would have normally learned during your adolescent years are missing. ”
I lean back and think over his words. I know he’s right. I don’t have to like it though.
“How’s Star doing?”
Appreciating the change of subject, I fill him in on her new school and how well she’s settling in.
“I’ve heard good things about that place.”
I smile, glad that something seems to be going well. “If it wasn’t for Nevaeh, I couldn’t afford Addison Prep. I’m so grateful. Star is blooming there.”
“Well, with that weight off your mind, let’s go back to the sex talk. Why were you so worried when you came in? I’d understand you being shy, perhaps.” He cocks his head in thought. “Did you think I’d judge you?”
I shrug, but that’s the crux of it. “Maybe. I mean, should I enjoy sex after what happened to me?”
“I suppose you could always join a nunnery if it would make you feel better,” he deadpans, making me chuckle.
“There is no right or wrong here. Some people can’t bear to be touched, let alone participate in any intimacy.
Others go the other way, having sex often, seeking to gain back the control that was stripped from them. ”
I blow out a relieved breath. “I guess I just fall somewhere in the middle then.”
“Time will tell. Either way, you can tell me anything. And remember, I won’t judge you.
That’s the beauty of therapy. So from now on, check your shame at the door.
” He winks, making me blush. I’m not dead, and Michael is seriously good-looking, but only one man gets my heart racing.
And I can’t wait to be done here and get back to him.
* * *
I head out just as it starts raining. I stand outside the glass doors for a moment, face tipped up to the sky.
I’ve always loved the rain. Something about it makes me feel less alone.
I pictured Nevaeh dancing in the downpour, splashing through puddles in her yellow rainboots and matching coat.
I had a matching set in pink. I haven’t thought about that coat—
I open my eyes, refusing to let that day or that man encroach on my thoughts. I walk at a leisurely pace to the cafe, which means I’m soaked by the time I get there.
The server looks up at me as I enter, her eyes going wide. “Oh my goodness, it’s really coming down out there. Take a seat in the corner where the heater is before you catch your death.”
I nod in thanks and head to the table she points at. The cafe is empty except for me, which is the opposite of how it usually is. I guess most people aren’t crazy enough to be out in this weather.
“What can I get you, lovely?”
I turn to the counter where the woman is calling from. “Can I get a hot chocolate and an almond croissant, please?”
“Absolutely. I’ll bring it right over.”
“Thank you.”
When my phone chimes, I pull it out and see it’s a text from Amity.
Hey. Want to go to the movies with me this week?
I frown, wondering if she texted the wrong sister. Don’t get me wrong, I get along with Amity, but we don’t have the kind of relationship where we hang out alone together.
Hey, this is Citi.
I put the phone on the table and shrug it off, but it chimes again right away.
Thank fuck for that, would have been awkward if I’d just asked Ambros to the movies.
I can’t help but laugh at that. I bite my lip, wondering what I should do. I think about what Michael said about not having the same reactions as others. Is this something Nevaeh would be okay with, or would she think I was trying to take her friend away from her, too?
What about Nevaeh?
I wait for her to reply as the server puts my drink and croissant down in front of me. I thank her and pick up my phone when it chimes.
What about Nevaeh?
I’m overthinking this. I must be. I decide just to be honest with her.
I wasn’t sure if she would be okay with me going to the movies with you.
My phone rings almost immediately. I fumble with it for a second before I hesitantly answer it. “Amity?”
“I’m so confused. Why would Nevaeh have a problem with us going to the movies?”
I sigh, leaning back and staring out the window as the rain pelts down around us. “Because she’s your friend.”
She’s quiet for a minute before answering. “I’m your friend too. Or I’m trying to be.”
“Really?”
“Yes, really. I’m allowed more than one friend,” she teases.
“Um…okay then, yes. I’d like that. I’ve never been to the movies before.”
“Well, you’re in for a treat. I don’t go often because it’s impossible for me to watch a movie without snacks.”
“Ooh, I like snacks.”
She laughs. “Movie snacks are elite, trust me. Let me know when you can get a sitter, and I’ll figure out the rest.”
“Okay, thanks, Amity.”
“No, thank you. I can order you a huge popcorn and eat half without feeling any guilt because everyone knows calories don’t count when they come from someone else’s food.”
“Whatever helps you sleep at night,” I joke. Truth is, Amity could eat all the movie snacks herself and probably run a course designed for Navy Seals without even breaking a sweat. The woman is a machine.
“Oh, that reminds me, you still fighting at the gym? I was thinking of coming down and helping out. I mean, I’m not doubting Ambros’s skills at all, but sometimes a woman’s perspective can help.”
“I’d love that. Havoc and Ambros mentioned seeing if the other women would be interested, but nobody said anything since, so I wasn’t sure.”
“I think we’re all interested. The issue is getting everyone’s schedules to sync. This is me officially saying fuck it. I’m coming with or without the others.”
“Thanks, Amity,” I tell her softly and mean it.
“No thanks needed. I’m going to work your ass to exhaustion. But I promise, by the time I’m done with you, you’ll feel confident and strong.”
I swallow hard. That’s exactly what I need.
“Alright, I’d better go. G’s cooking, which means I need to get the extinguisher handy.”
“Hey!” I hear in the background right before the smoke alarm starts blaring. I laugh as Amity hangs up with a curse, grinning widely as I take a bite from my pastry.
“Big smile. Good news?”
I jolt at the sound of the server’s voice. “No, nothing big, just normal stuff.”
“Pfft, normal doesn’t earn a smile like that. There’s nothing exciting about normal.”
I glance out the window and feel my smile grow wider. “I don’t know, normal sounds pretty damn perfect to me.”