Chapter 23
Chapter Twenty-Three
CITI
“Ugh, this is why we don’t listen to men,” Nevaeh complains, spinning around in Havoc’s chair.
“He’s my therapist. Listening to him is kind of the point.”
She waves me off. “No, his listening to you is the point.”
I nod, conceding to that. “So you and Havoc are good? You swear it?”
“Yes, we’re fine. Lord, that man might get into hot water for some of his antics, but looking after my sister? Not a chance.”
I blow out a relieved sigh.
“It was really bothering you, wasn’t it?”
“The last thing I wanted to do was have my issues fuck—”
“Hey, you don’t have issues, you have trauma. Sooo not the same thing.”
I chew on my thumbnail, not sure whether I agree or not. “Amity asked me out.”
She blinks. “Like on a date? How progressive of G to share his girl. I guess Sunshine must be rubbing off on him,” she teases. I don’t know Sunshine all that well, so it takes me a while to understand the joke.
“Oh, no, not like that. As friends, not a date date, though we are going to the movies. Oh my god, is this a date?” I start to panic, which causes Neveah to stop spinning. She jumps off the chair and hurries over to me, getting on her knees and grabbing my hands.
“It was a joke. A bad one, apparently. Amity is straight and is asking if you want to catch a movie because that’s what friends do.
Not that there is anything wrong with dating a woman, of course, and if that’s what you both want, I’d be happy for you.
You—” I cover her mouth with my hand to give my brain a moment to process everything she’s saying.
“Did you always talk this much? I can’t remember.” She licks my palm, making me pull it away. “Eww, gross, what is wrong with you?”
“I was diagnosed with awesomeness. It’s a condition only a few suffer from.”
“How tragic,” I deadpan.
“It’s a cross I must bear.”
I flick her forehead.
She scowls at me. “Were you always this violent? I can’t remember.”
“No, you bring it out in me.”
She grins and bows her head. “Thank you, thank you very much.”
I feel my lip twitch in response to her ridiculousness.
“So just to be clear, Amity likes you and wants to be friends, and I’m happy two of the most important people in my life want to spend time together. And Havoc and I are good. In fact, he had his wicked way with me about an hour ago in that very chair.”
I jump up and brush off my ass, ignoring her laughter. “Dammit, Nevaeh, you’re not funny.”
“Please, I’m hilarious.”
I hover, not sure if that’s it. Do I leave now, or does she want me to stay and talk? Her smile drops as she gets to her feet and reaches for me. I feel myself tense and hate myself for it when a look of sadness flashes across her face.
“I hate that you can’t relax around me.”
“I’m sorry.”
“No, you don’t need to be sorry. It’s me. I need to tone it down. I know I can be too much.”
I grab her arm and vigorously shake my head. “No. Don’t you ever tone yourself down for me. Be loud, be bright, be bold. Be all the things I could have been if my life had been different.”
She tugs me into her arms, and we stand there, a lifetime of missed moments swirling around us that neither of us knows how to absorb, thanks to the evil that invaded our lives and tainted the bond between us.
When she pulls back, her cheeks are damp. She cups my face with both hands and presses the tip of her nose to mine like we used to do when we were kids. “You know you’re my hero, right?”
I jolt at her words, feeling a warmth move through me like an echo, strengthening the weakened bond between us. “I don’t understand. I didn’t do anything.”
“It kills me that you can’t see the badass I do, standing in front of me.”
I huff out a watery laugh. “I think you’re confusing me with Amity.”
She grins but shakes her head. “Amity is certifiable. Who the hell throws themself out of a perfectly good building on purpose? Your strength is different. Honestly, I think I’m the odd one out.
I’m surrounded by these amazingly strong women who’ve all survived the flames of hell while I’m over here having a panic attack because I accidentally shrunk my dinosaur onesie. ”
I can’t stop the burst of laughter that escapes from me. “I don’t think Amity is the only one who’s certifiable.”
She rolls her eyes at me, but I don’t miss the grin playing on her lips. “I’m serious. I’m in awe of you all. The closest I get to being a badass woman is writing about them.”
“First of all, I don’t think you realize how empowering that is.
Some women, including myself, had no idea of their potential because we were always told a certain narrative.
My story might be an extreme one, but there are women out there who live with partners who push them to be small, to be less.
Most are isolated from friends and family, and honestly, it’s hard not to believe you’re weak and worthless when that’s all you ever hear.
Books like yours are a lifeline. Not just as an escape from the reality we find ourselves trapped in, but because, thanks to your words, we see women through your eyes.
Women who are pilots, cage fighters, mafia princesses who outshoot their counterparts, warriors, survivors. ” I swallow.
“It might be fiction to you, but to us it is real, and in those quiet moments when we feel small and vulnerable, you give us wings.” I cock my head when she starts crying again. “What’s wrong?”
“You’re the best sister a girl could ask for. I’m so sorry that I couldn’t save you. I would have, you know. I’d have traded everything to take your place.”
“I wouldn’t have let you. You were always the sunshine to my rain.
” The world would have been a much darker place without you in it.
I don’t say the last part out loud, not wanting her to assume I think she’s weak because I don’t.
I just know there was always a little darkness in me, even as a kid.
I slipped into a world full of shadows and dark thoughts, even when on the outside I was all smiles and pretty pink bows.
I think it was that darkness, that ability to slip into the recesses of my mind, that enabled me to survive all those years.
The thought of Jasper getting his hands on Nevaeh, the girl full of sunshine, and sparkles makes me want to throw up.
He’d have drained her dry and broken her into unrecognizable pieces.
And I say that as a fucked-up mosaic version of my former self.
“Citi?”
“Sorry, just wool gathering. I wish neither of us had to live through what happened. What I went through was fucked-up, but that doesn’t mean your trauma was any less.
Your twin sister was stolen from you, your mom killed herself, and your dad became a martyr.
Your whole life changed in the blink of an eye.
You don’t turn off that kind of pain and forget everything just because I’m back.
You have fifteen years’ worth of damage to heal from. You can’t do that in fifteen months.”
“I hope you’re listening to yourself and taking notes.”
I give her a wry smile. “I’m going to therapy, aren’t I? Maybe you should think about going to see someone, too.”
“Maybe.”
I don’t say anything else. If she wants to go, she will. I won’t make her do anything she doesn’t want to.
“All these strong women that surround you…”
She looks at me, her face clouded. “They pity me, don’t they?”
“Not even close, you weirdo. You’re the glue that holds everyone together. Everyone here loves you. Havoc was a wise man to snap you up when he did.”
“You’re right. I’m a catch.”
I chuckle. “That you are. Now, tell me about this new book you’re working on.”
“Ooh, okay. I’m nervous about this one. It’s a little different from usual fare.”
“Okay, now you have me curious.”
She blows a loose strand of hair from her face. “It’s no secret I love this town. I spent a lot of time researching the place and kind of fell down a rabbit hole. There are lots of small towns with really fascinating histories. There’s one about a hundred miles from here called Crowhurst.”
“Crowhurst? Never heard of it.”
“Neither had I until I was digging about towns with birds names. Don’t ask. Anyway, I came across this story about a woman who lived there during the witch trials. Her name was Dorothy Hart.”
“Ooh, so you’re doing a biography?”
“No, but I’m using her story as inspiration. She lived with her mother and father on a cattle ranch, one that had been passed down through the generations and always to the daughters.”
“Ooh, Cowboys and witches? I don’t think I’ve read anything like that before. Sounds fun.”
“Meh, fun might be pushing it.”
“Right, witch trials. Crap.”
“Honestly, most of the women hanged for witchcraft weren’t witches at all. They were just unfortunate to be born with red hair or an unusual birthmark, or just knew which plants were good for healing.”
“But there were real witches?” I’m intrigued already.
Her eyes are sparkling. “Perhaps. Legends are usually born from truths. Anyway, this woman was arrested for burning her husband’s dinner. She was killed, but not before she cursed the land, binding her bloodline to the town.”
“Did she have children?”
“Three daughters.”
“Wait. Does this mean if her decedents were killed, the town would die too?”
Her eyes sparkle with mirth. “Guess you’ll have to read it and find out.”
“Damn. How much have you written? Can I have it yet?”
She throws her head back and laughs, but I don’t know why. I’m not kidding.
“Wait until I’m done, and I’ll give you the first copy.”
“Really?”
“Heck yes.”
“Okay, then, I think our talk here is done. Go do some work. Chop chop, time’s wasting.”
* * *
People look our way when we walk back in. I avoid people’s gazes, only wanting one man’s eyes on me.
“You’ve got it bad,” my sister whispers in my ear.
“You have no room to talk.”
“Touche.”
She links her arm through mine and leads us over to the table where the guys are sitting.
She lets go of me and walks around the table to plonk her ass down on Havoc’s lap.
He grins before kissing her in a way that has me blushing.
I look away, catching Ambros’s eye. He shakes his head, smiling at how uncomfortable I look.
I shove him lightly, but he uses that opening to pull me into his lap.
I look over to see Nevaeh watching us with a smile on her face.
“Does this mean we can join you too?” Legs asks, walking over to Midas. She bends down and presses a kiss to Hero’s head before running her fingers through Midas’s hair. He tips his head back and grins at her.
“You could have come over at any time. I prefer your company anyway,” Midas answers, making Havoc huff.
“I see how it is.”
I offer Delphi a small smile when she takes the chair between me and Kruger.
“Hey Citi, it’s good to see you again.”
“You too. Thanks for letting Theo come sit with Star. She adores him.”
“The feelings mutual, trust me. However, I dread to think about what they’ll get up to. She has him wrapped around her finger.”
“She’s not the only guy here who has fallen for her charms,” Havoc says with a grin.
“God help me when she’s a teenager.” All of the men suddenly turn serious, all looking at me with a slightly horrified expression, making the women around me crack up.
“Well, dating is going to be fun for her.” Delphi chuckles, making Ambros groan.
“Don’t say the d word, I’m not ready.”
“I think we have a few years yet before you need to worry,” I reassure him with a pat.
He grumbles something but lets it go.
“Last I heard, they were making a fort,” I tell Delphi, pulling out my cell phone to show her the photo Con sent me of him and Star.
“Oh, adorable.”
“Right? Star looks cute, too.”
Ambros growls, making me and Delphi laugh.
I look around the table and realize for the first time in forever, I don’t feel like an outsider. It’s a startling realization, and when Nevaeh winks at me, I admit it feels good. Maybe everything is slowly turning around.