Chapter 31
Chapter Thirty-One
CITI
“And I thought my life was intense. At least things have eased off a little over the years,” Six says with a smile as our drinks are placed in front of us.
“Here’s to things easing off over the years.” I clink my cup to Six’s as her eyes flit over my shoulder.
“Are they still standing there like sentries?”
“Oh yeah. Be grateful Will couldn’t come, or it would be even worse.” She chuckles before tipping her chin. “Does it bother you? I can ask King to move.”
“No. It doesn’t bother me, even if I think part of me is supposed to be bothered by it. Okay, that doesn’t make sense even to me.”
“No, it does. I have friends who are all super independent and bosses in their own right who don’t need a man for anything. I guess I’m just wired differently,” she says, dipping her head, pink stealing across her cheeks.
“Same. I mean, I want to be strong. I want to be able to fight, but not so I can kick bad guy ass, but so I can get myself free and run. Having them watching over us makes me feel safe and less…I don’t know…alone?”
“Yes. That’s how I feel, too. I can be brave.
I can fight back, and I can even put myself between someone else and danger.
But I’m no hero. I’m not out chasing glory or notoriety.
I mostly want to be left alone, which is dumb because I’ve been alone a lot and it’s awful.
So I’m not really sure how to explain it. ”
“You want only the people you like around you, no strangers or small talkers. Just a small circle who notice when you’re emotionally overstimulated and need to tap out.”
“Yes!!” she shouts excitedly. We both turn to see the guys looking at us with amused expressions. I look back at Six, and after a beat, we both crack up laughing.
Once we have ourselves under control, I take a sip of my hot chocolate as Six chatters away about things in her neck of the woods. She sounds like she really does have some interesting friends.
When there is a lull in our mostly one-sided conversation, I place my mug down and lean forward. “Thanks for meeting up with me again. I feel like I can just be myself with you. Not that any of my friends expect anything from me, I think I just expect too much of myself when I’m with them.”
“When everyone has their shit together, it’s hard to be the one who’s barely treading water.
You should meet Viddy. That woman could give King a run for his money with how intimidating she is.
It took me a while to realize nobody expects me to be like her.
They want me to be myself. I’m sure your friends and family are the same.
You just need to stop putting pressure on yourself. ”
“Easier said than done. There’s an expectation there, whether it’s me who put it there or them, I don’t know.
I think it’s worse because I have Star. Single moms are judged differently, regardless of their circumstances.
I’m positive I could find at least a couple of people in this town who would say I could have worked harder to make things work with Star’s father.
They’d judge me being a single mom much harder than the pedophile who impregnated me. I just get so frustrated sometimes.”
“I think that’s normal. Not the small-minded people, though unfortunately, you’re always going to encounter those.
I don’t share my story often, but I have done a few group therapy sessions as part of my overall therapy experience and met one or two people who treated me like I was some kind of slut because of where I came from.
Ironic, given I’ve only ever been with Will. ”
“That’s disgusting. I really do hate people sometimes. And I know I shouldn’t, but seriously, some people really should just be set on fire.”
“Funny, Will thought the same thing.” She smirks, finishing her drink as I try to decide if she’s joking or if Will really did set someone on fire. I’m better off not knowing.
“I told my therapist that I slept with Ambros.”
“And?” she questions when I don’t add anything further.
“I don’t know. I built it up in my head.
I worried that the things Jasper said to me over the years might be true.
That I deserved what happened to me, and a host of other things.
I never enjoyed it with him. I didn’t even think of it as sex, but as punishment.
Was I nervous to be intimate with Ambros?
Of course, but it was so far removed from what I’d experienced that I didn’t freak out at all.
I was prepared for it. We both were. And when I didn’t… ”
“You let his voice get in your head. You’re right, what that asshole did to you wasn’t sex.
It was power, control, dominance, whatever you want to call it.
What it wasn’t was love. Now you have that, and that bloom you had to hide now gets to grow and flourish and soak in all the yummy goodness that comes with that. ”
I think over her words, trying to separate everything in my head.
It’s something I’ve been struggling with—feeling guilty or ashamed for enjoying what we do.
It’s been playing on my mind a lot. Michael didn’t put it as straightforward as Six did.
Maybe if he had, I wouldn’t still be stressing over it all.
He didn’t make me feel bad about it, of course, but he made me question my instincts and impulses.
Worse, he made me question Ambros. I know it’s his job.
All he hears me mention is that I’m dating a guy in a motorcycle club, and given my history, that’s a red flag.
Heck, I’d probably be more worried if he didn’t have concerns.
I just need someone to tell me that I’m not messing everything up. I’ve come too far now to backslide.
“You okay?”
“Yeah, I’m just processing. I think…I think I need to give myself permission to be happy,” I admit with a soft exhale. “There’s a lot of guilt in here, because I’m alive and my boys aren’t. I couldn’t protect them. Shouldn’t my happiness be forfeit?”
“And would that be fair to your daughter? If your sons had been given the chance to grow, would they have wanted a lifetime of misery for their mother?”
A tear slips down my cheek as I think back to each of their angelic faces and tiny hands and feet. I don’t let my mind wander to them often, not because I want to forget. I will never forget them, but sometimes, remembering is more than I can bear.
“If they’re looking down on you now, do you think they’d want this life you built with Star, Ambros, and the club, or would they want you back in their evil father’s clutches?”
“You’re right. Of course you’re right. It’s just a lot. The losses always hit harder than the wins. Why is that?”
“The wins leave a smile, but the losses leave a scar.”
“Huh. I never thought about it like that before.”
“What you need is to get out of your own head.”
“I’m not arguing with that. I just don’t know how to do it.”
“You need a hobby.”
“A hobby?”
“Yeah, you know, something for you to do that’s fun. I started painting. I’m not great at it, but I sit out by the lake and feel inspired. It helps calm the noise in my head.”
I lean back and think about it. “I’m not sure painting is my thing.”
“Doesn’t need to be painting. What do you like?”
I open my mouth to answer, but realize I don’t actually know.
I feel a spiral of panic but before it can choke me, Six reaches over and squeezes my hand.
“That just means you get to try a bunch of different things until you find something you like. And remember, you don’t have to be good at it for it to be fun. ”
“Okay, I can do this. I just need to think about it a little.”
She nods and smiles before looking over her shoulder.
“Don’t tell me they’re still standing there.”
“Oh, no.” I relax before she speaks up again. “They’re walking over to us instead. They actually lasted longer than I thought they would.”
I shake my head, hiding my grin as Ambros pulls out the chair beside me and King does the same on the opposite side of him.
“Hey, angel.” He grins like he doesn’t give a fuck. I sigh—not really mad—but the guy needs to learn some boundaries.
“Ambros. Fancy seeing you here, at my table.”
He lifts my hand and kisses the back of it. “What can I say? I missed you.”
“Yes, you must have been devastated for the twenty minutes we were separated,” I deadpan, making Six giggle.
He gives me puppy-dog eyes. I fight the smile tugging at my lips, but he’s impossible to resist.
“You want a drink? What about you, King?”
“I’m good. Thank you, Citi. I thought you ladies might like to go for a walk, though. Get some air?”
I look from King to Six, who waits for me to respond before she does. I already know she prefers to be outside than cooped up inside. “Sounds good to me.”
“Me too,” Six chimes in.
“I’ll grab something sweet for us to take with us,” Ambros winks before getting to his feet and heading to the counter. I watch his ass as he leaves, forgetting about my audience. When I see them both watching me with grins on their faces, I feel my face burn with embarrassment.
King leans forward. “Word of advice, Citi. Own it. That man’s crazy about you. He’d feel fucking proud knowing you’re checking out his ass.”
“Oh god, stop.” I bury my face in my hands and laugh along with Six.
“You shouldn’t tease her, Dad,” Six says. King swallows and winks at her. Hearing her call him Dad clearly moves him. I have the strangest urge to hug the man. Thankfully, I resist. I’m sure they already think I’m a little odd—no need to make it worse.
“We were just talking about Citi finding a hobby. We’re trying to come up with ideas,” Six throws out.
King looks at me. “What did you come up with?”
“Absolutely nothing. I don’t know what I like. What about you? What do you like doing?”
“Shooting people.”
“Oh god,” Six groans, banging her head on the table. “Can’t you at least pretend to be civilized?”
“Now, why would I do that?”