30. Reid
She should have run. I wouldn’t have blamed her.
There’s a part of me that’s pissed at her for accepting me, telling me she doesn’t think poorly of me for the bad shit I’ve done. Maybe if she had, I wouldn’t be stuck in my own head right now, torn between losing her and losing a new chance at life.
I’m not the man that’s there for the long haul. I’m not the rock when she needs it most. I’m not her pillar of strength and I’m for damn sure not the person that deserves redemption at her hands.
I told her before. I’m a fucking monster. I’ve murdered. I’ve got blood on my hands that would stain her pretty, pale skin. I’m not the man for her. I know it. God knows it. Fucking everyone knows it.
Except for her.
She still thinks there’s hope for me. I know better.
That being said, when she asks me to stay with her, I do. When she pulls me into the shower with her and asks me to fuck her, I do. When she asks me to hold her, I fucking do because, like an addict, I crave her, body and soul.
I’m finding it hard to navigate these feelings that I’ve never felt before. I feel like a pussy. Like this singular creature under six feet tall has taken control of me, beckoning me to kneel at her feet; give myself to her in ways I never have in my life.
And she doesn’t even realize she’s doing it.
I get to the docks later than I mean to in the morning, not rolling in until six. Nova was just so fucking warm and sweet that when she nuzzled further into me, I couldn’t wake her.
Manto’s already there, but instead of the rental we’ve been using, he’s sitting on the deck of Hope’s Grace where she floats in the water.
“Hey, Al,” I greet when I enter the shop. He’s his usual grumpy self behind the counter, though instead of sliding the papers for the rental across to me, it’s the receipt for Hope’s Grace.
“Finally done. Five weeks goes by fast, doesn’t it?”
I nod, though I’ve been steadily trying not to think about this all coming to an end in just a few short days.
“Where you headed today?”
“East,” I murmur, still staring down at the paper in front of me. Five fucking weeks. In five weeks, I feel like my entire life has changed.
“Still dead-set on leaving?”
I glance up at Al, who’s leaning back in his chair, watching me from those beady eyes. Like he can see right through me.
“Yeah,” I nod, shoving the receipt in my coat pocket. “Next week.”
“Sure you don’t want to stay here? The town needs more strong workers like you. You’ve really helped turn that inn around.”
I nod, purposely working to keep my emotions neutral. It’s not every day Al gives out a compliment. Or as close to one as he can get.
“Thanks. Means a lot from you, Al.”
Al looks around him, making sure none of the workers in the shop are paying attention before finally turning his cold, hard, steel-blue gaze back on me.
“You know,” he says, clearing his throat. I can tell whatever cough he’s got has gotten worse now that the air is getting colder. He sucks in a deep breath that wheezes and cackles before continuing. “I was in your shoes, once.”
Now . . . my interest has piqued.
“What shoes?”
He grunts, an unamused chuckle I don’t like the sound of. Usually, bad shit follows. “Crabbing.”
Interesting. “You fished king crab?”
He nods. “Mmhmm . . . Almost made it a full season. Worst mistake of my life.”
Jesus Christ. Just another person trying to talk me out of something I’ve already made up my mind about doing. My life is on the water. Not here in Port Nova. Still, he’s not the first person to tell me I should consider staying. He probably won’t be the last.
So, I humor him.
“Why’s that?”
“Well, left the woman I loved back here. Left the shop when I should have been getting ready to take it over for my dad, so he could retire. Hell, I left everything I had to go out there for the chase.”
“Seems like it all worked out for you in the end.”
“Yeah, and it took me twice as long. Took my pops years to trust me to run the shop after that. Took Beth even longer.” He shakes his head, his eyes taking on a faraway look like he’s thinking back to those times. “Dad was pissed when I left. He said if I survived, not to bother coming home.”
“But you did come home.”
“I did,” he nods. “Because my mom wrote me a letter, telling me how worried he was. He’d never show it, but the thought of me being out there terrified him. Never understood what he meant until you told me you were heading there in the fall.”
While I appreciate the attempt at camaraderie, I would rather not listen to Al try to dissuade me from my decision.
I’m going. That’s final.
But something still sticks out to me.
“How was it?”
“Boat’s bigger than out here, though not nearly as fun. Guy died my second week out there because he fell overboard. Water’s so cold, once we got him back, he died of hypothermia.”
Al stands from his chair, slow and unsteady, and I swear I can hear bones crack and pop as he does.
“Listen kid. The water up there isn’t the same. It’s five times choppier than what we’ve got here. Way deeper and colder, too. Crabbing is lonely work. And,” he murmurs, hemming and hawing around what I know he’s trying to say. “Take it from me. You’ll be a wreck without that woman.”
He’s smiling, but it does nothing for the ice moving through my veins.
“It’s not like that with Nova.”
It most certainly is like that, but Al doesn’t need to know.
Not that he believes my lies, anyway, as he fixes me with a warning look.
“Bullshit, kid. I’ve seen you two.” In the back of my mind, I wonder if he saw us sneak onto my boat a couple weeks ago. His face softens, the furrow of his brow evening out as he attempts to coax me to stay in Port Nova. “Nova’s a good girl, son. Someone’s going to marry her someday.”
I steel myself at the thought of Nova marrying some asshole in town. Maybe one of the kids that keeps trying to dance with her whenever she’s out.
Of course, someone already did marry Nova. Someone who I’ll never be able to compete with, even if he was a spineless prick who didn’t deserve her. The American high school sweetheart. The man who became a hero the night he drowned in the Mississippi.
I’ve got no competition with that. I have no family. No home to offer her. I’m just me and she deserves so much better than that.
“Well, then I guess we better enjoy our time together now,” I murmur, my voice dark, even to myself. I take the boat key that Al hands me and nod to him, striding out of the office.
“You alright, boss?” Manto asks, no doubt concerned because I’m never late.
I grit my teeth, slipping on my coat and hopping into the boat. I suck down my coffee, letting it burn at the self-hatred in my gut while I start the old engine.
“Yeah.” He doesn’t say anything else when I walk past and for that, I’m grateful.
What is there to say?
I’m leaving in a week.
And Nova Fischer will stay here. Right where she fucking belongs.
Usually, I get off the boat earlier than Nova gets out of the schoolhouse. Today, though, Manto and I pulled my last load of lobster and got done early enough for me to meet her just as she’s getting out.
“What’s wrong?” she asks, her eyes flashing with worry when I come up the path toward her. Without thinking, I pick her up and spin her around, pressing a big fucking kiss to her lips that has her stuttering after. “Why are you so happy?” she laughs, breathless.
“The boat’s fixed.” I can’t help but grin like a fucking lunatic as I lower her back to her feet. I keep her close to me, pulling her in for a gentler kiss and tasting her as if I can commit her taste to memory. Fuck, part of me wishes I could, just so I could feel like she’s still with me after I go. “Clear your schedule Sunday. I’m taking you out.”
I can see the moment the nerves sink in. To be honest, I wasn’t sure how she would react, but she’s been as desperate to overcome her past as much as I have, so I figured I’d try.
“It’s okay,” I murmur, brushing the stray, pale curl off her forehead. “We won’t go far from the shore.”
Still, she bites her lip, studying me.
“I have a woman’s life jacket for you and everything.”
Amusement lights in her eyes. “Oh, prepared to have women on your boat, huh?”
Smirking, I let my hand slip lower down her back, over the curve of her ass and because there are no kids around, I grip it in my hands.
“Just one. I bought it twenty minutes ago.”
She pauses, a soft smile that nearly stops me in my tracks lighting her face.
“Really?”
“Really.”
Fuck . . . that smile. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to escape it in the back of my mind.
“Okay,” she whispers finally. “On one condition.”
“Name your price, Ms. Fischer.”
“You have to dance with me at the wedding tomorrow.”
The last time we danced, it ended up with her begging me to fuck her.
“Okay.”
She narrows her eyes. “You’re up to something.”
When I don’t say anything, her gaze flares with heat.
“Reid,” she warns, trying to sound stern, but all it does it make my cock twitch in my jeans.
“Don’t worry, little bird,” I murmur, low in her ear. “It’s just a dance.”