4. Chapter 3
Chapter 3
Eden
T apping my fingers along my steering wheel, I follow the rhythmic tune of The Lumineers, drowning out my spiraling thoughts. The events that unfolded during Mass replay in my mind, the memory of feeling Roman's hand on my face regrettably causing more excitement than it does anger.
Being touched by someone throws me back to that night in his dorm. The haze from the alcohol blurs his figure, my wrists are raw from restraint, my screams painfully muffled-
Aiden slams his hand on my passenger-side window, startling me out of the memory. His two friends, Nathan and Zack, wait impatiently behind him. He gestures curtly for me to unlock the car. I press the unlock button, and after a soft click, the boys pile into my Kia, kicking my chair as they all clamor inside. Stealing the passenger's seat, Aiden nudges my arm, trying to get my attention.
"You didn't stay the whole Mass? Now you’ll really need me to vouch for you," He snaps, the pungent smell of weed emitting from Nathans's backpack.
"Can you just shut the fuck up and let me get this over with?" I question, gripping the steering wheel.
"Whatever, Eden," He sighs, tugging the aux chord free from my phone. "We’re not listening to this shit while being forced to deal with your moody ass."
Twenty-five minutes of mind-numbing rap music later, I pull into The Overlook, getting a bird’s eye view of our house and the church from up here. Slapping each other on the backs as they leave the car, Zack lingers, his eyes watching his friends before looking at me in the rearview mirror.
"Do you need something-"
"Come out and join us," He says with a grin, his tone much kinder than any of my brother's other friends.
Dragging my knees to my chest, I look back at him with a raised brow.
"I'm not a fan of pot," I snap, startled to see him smile deeper.
"I'm not asking you to smoke. Clearly you're not feeling great, and your brother can be a mega dick. Just get some fresh air. It's probably going to rain, and that's the best time to get a good inhale," He says, slinging his arms across the back of my chair, his chestnut hair falling into his eyes .
Shaking the front of my car, Aiden throws up a middle finger to Zack, mouthing "What the fuck" as Nathan vigorously digs in his bag for his homemade bong. He ignores my brother’s taunts as he waits for me to respond.
"Say yes so I don't have to look at Aiden pretend to jack off anymore," He pushes, my eyes rolling at the sight of my brother doing just that.
"Fine," I hiss. "But I’ll leave you here if you try and force me to smoke." I smile, and there’s satisfaction lining his face.
"Pinky promise I won’t," He says playfully.
Opening my door, Zack follows.
Impatiently waiting for Nathan to light up the bowl, I take a seat on the hood of the car, twirling the keys on my finger and watching as my brother greedily takes a massive drag. Aiden passes Zack the bong, and he takes a small hit, blowing the smoke in the air. He passes it back to Aiden before joining me on the hood.
"That was a weak ass hit, man," Aiden scoffs, watching Zack shrug his shoulders as he laughs at his friends.
They continue to pass the bong back and forth, burning through their shitty, overpriced stash pretty quickly.
"Who's my brother's dealer anyway?" I question Zack, his hand rubbing the back of his neck.
"Zack is," Aiden laughs. "Did you forget you guys were in the same class before you graduated?"
Racking my brain, I finally pinpoint why his features were so familiar to me.
"Wait. Zack Lerman ?" I question, smiling like an idiot. "No fucking way, I thought you went off to college?'
"I did for a little," He sighs, his face growing a faint shade of pink. "Wasn't really my thing. Now I'm working for my dad, selling Teslas to the rich assholes in this town."
Putting the pieces together, I scold myself for being so forgetful.
"I never knew you were-"
"Your age? It’s cool. We only ever saw each other in passing, and even then, our friend groups never really mingled."
Laughing at his statement, I shake my head.
"What friend group?" I question. "I barely had any friends. Still don't."
"Shocker," Aiden murmurs.
"Why don't you keep inhaling that shit Sativa and stop being a dick?" Zack snaps. Nathan laughs at the shocked look of embarrassment on Aiden's face.
I rub my arms, taking in the scent of the looming clouds.
"College wasn't really my thing either," I sigh.
"You still taking pictures?”
"Trying to," I admit. "Feeling a bit uninspired these days."
Smiling once again, I tug at the sleeve of my sweater, nervously trying to focus on something other than Zack's gaze.
"I have a question," Nathan exclaims, his eyes bloodshot. "Why the hell did you come home?"
Feeling the drop in my stomach, I shrug my shoulders, keeping my features as nonchalant as possible.
"Like I said, college really just wasn't my thing-"
"She had a psychotic break," Aiden interjects.
"Aiden, I don't think- "
"Come on, Eden. You might as well share it since the rest of your little secrets are all over town. You both should’ve seen how fucking messed up she looked when she got home. Bruises all over her, bloodshot eyes. My dad's theory is drugs, but I guess now it's less of a valid theory-"
"Aiden-"
"Or maybe it was a crippling sex addiction. You always were a prude. Maybe she met the wrong kinky fuck and-"
"Aiden," Zack yells. Nathan’s smile drops instantly as my brother's focus finally drifts back to me.
Unsure when the tears started slipping free from my eyes, I feel them roll down my cheeks. I take in a shaky breath, my jaw clenched; my nails dug into my palms. I slide off the hood of my car, gasping as I take in a breath, the looming presence of a panic attack breathing down my neck, close to the surface. I move to the back of the car and lie back against the trunk, grateful for a little space to calm down.
Listening to the sounds of Nathan and Aiden bickering, I press my head to the cool glass of my back window, hoping the panic will subside. Footsteps approach me, my hand ready to wave off my brother and his string of insincere apologies.
"I'm fine, Aiden-"
"Like I said, your brother is a dick," Zack reiterates, remorse etched into his features.
Leaning into the back of my car, he crosses his arms, watching me closely as I wipe away my tears on the sleeve of my sweater.
"I didn't mean to have that reaction," I sob, scolding myself for being so vulnerable around a group of potheads.
Zack hoists himself onto the ledge of the trunk, grabbing my hand and urging me to slide down and sit next to him.
I allow my hand to stay in his as he cranes his head up to the rolling clouds above.
"Your brother has had to deal with your dad’s anger a lot more since you got home. I think he resents you for that."
I laugh in disbelief. "Aiden has never liked me." I shake my head, somewhat wishing it wasn’t this way between us. "He was so happy when I left for college, and miserable when I came back."
Shaking his head, Zack rolls his shoulders back.
"Your brother, as much as I love him, is an idiot in disguise who doesn’t think about anyone but himself. He’s got shit he needs to figure out," Zack admits. "But really, between you and me, why did you come home? Seems like you need to talk about it."
Closing my eyes, I bury the images trying to resurface from that night, biting my inner cheek to focus on pain rather than what happened.
"It's not worth talking about," I mutter. "Just know I had a good reason for coming home."
Zack rubs his hand along my back, but I lean away. He stops the movement but doesn’t lift his hand while he looks over my face. I settle back into the touch, letting his fingers run circles along my spine, his eyes still searching my face for something more.
"Well, whatever the reason, I'm sure it was justified," He smiles.
Giving me some comfort, I smile back, taking in a breath of relief.
Tugging at the sleeve of my sweater again out of habit, he observes the thick material, giving it a long look.
"It's kind of warm for this, don't you think?" He questions, pulling at the sleeve.
"It's about to rain," I say, a few droplets hitting the hood of the car. "It's fine."
I try to tug my sleeve back, but he keeps the material between his fingers as something floods his expression.
There's a shift in his eyes, the same shift I saw in his eyes the night everything changed. A pit of fear settles in my stomach.
"Now that I think about it, maybe we did interact in high school," Zack whispers. "Was it junior or senior year when you rejected my prom proposal because I was a ‘washed up druggie’?" He asks, holding up quotations with his free hand.
"Zack, let go-"
I tense as he forces his hand under my sweater, the feeling of his hand touching my skin close to unbearable. I want to yell out to my brother, but I’m frozen. His hand viciously tugs at my sweater, trying to force it off of me.
"Aiden-"
"You know, everyone is curious why you were so bundled up all summer." I try to move away but can’t without risking him seeing everything. "You guys were fucking right! She is hiding something!" Zack yells to the others, my eyes seeing red as the sweater is forced up around my neck. I scramble to get away from him, slipping out of the sweater as my feet hit the ground.
Stumbling away from Zack, I see my sweater clutched in his hand. I cross my arms immediately. The sheer white tank top is clung to my chest as the cool night air stings my exposed skin. Wide-eyed and confused, the boys move toward the back of the car towards Zack, watching me with varying expressions. Without the sweater, I’m unable to hide the mangled flesh working up and down my arms, some cuts newer than others. Zack and Nathan cover their mouths as they shake uncontrollably with silent laughter. Aiden remains still, his eyes wide with shock.
"Would you fucking look at that? Eden Faulkner, the once perfect little princess in high school, now comparable to a fucking beat-up chopping board," Zack laughs, my eyes peering down at the horrendous cuts spanning up and down my arms.
Shakily reaching into my pocket for my keys, I’m startled when I don’t feel them.
Twirling the keys on his finger, Zack smirks at me, his hand extended out toward Aiden and Nathan.
"I believe you both owe me twenty. Told you I could get that sweater off with one conversation."
Slapping a twenty in Zack's hand, Nathan laughs, my throat concealing a sob as Aiden reaches for his wallet.
"Y-You," I start, moving toward them, my vision lined with red. "You fucking assholes-"
Aiden shoves my chest, and I plummet to the ground, my ass scraping against the dirt and gravel.
"Thanks for the ride," He sneers, glancing at his friends for approval. "Find your own way home if you can. It’s not like you hold much value on your life," He spits .
Suicide was selfish and any act of self-harm was just as bad according to our parents, so while I wasn’t surprised by the look of disgust on Aiden’s face, the pain of his betrayal in the moment crushed me. Ignoring my quiet sobs, they get into the car as I struggle to stand on shaky legs.
"God damn it, Aiden," I yell, tugging at the driver’s door handle, but he’d locked all the doors by the time I was able to get to the car. I slapped my hand against the window, my palm stinging from the impact.
Opening the driver-side window ever so slightly, Zack tosses something out towards me. I recognized the frayed cloth just as the razor blade nestled in the fabric falls loose and skips across the ground.
"Have fun with that. You probably still have some clean skin somewhere," Zack laughs, latching his hand around my forearm, shoving me back down to the ground as he backs the car up to leave. The small droplets of water that once kissed the ground were now dense enough to soak through my thin shirt.
I watch as my car turns on the main road and they drive away, my scream muffled as water and dirt seep into some of my newer cuts. Forcing myself off the ground, I wrap my arms around my torso, glancing up toward the sky, as my hand fumbles to grab the cross around my neck.
Running my hands through my hair, I tug at the necklace as hard as I can, furious when I realize it’s not going to break. I feel around for my phone before realizing I'd left it in the fucking cupholder.
"Is this you?" I question, peering up toward the sky. "When will it end? Do I not deserve your grace?"
As usual, there’s no answer, leaving me to feel utterly alone.
But what’s new?