13. Jason
13
N othing calms my mind.
Not the orange and pink sky as I stare into the sunset. Not the sound of the waves crashing against the surface in a soothing rhythm. Not even the Jim Beam coursing through my veins.
Any other day, this would be the perfect combination to resolve whatever loudness consumes my head by riding waves.
But not today.
Today, the smooth sand slides through my fingers while my ass stays planted on the beach. I took three waves and crashed every single time. It’s like my body is literally protesting against me, unable to make a simple wave even though I’ve been surfing for years.
I pull the zipper of my wetsuit, then roll it off until the last of the evening sun warms my bare chest. I haven’t slept.
Fuck, my breakfast, lunch and dinner have been limited to the bottle in my hand.
My harsh words have been ping-ponging through my mind like I’m on a carnival ride.
I’m not a dick. I’m really not. Hunter is. Jensen is. Bodi can be. But not me. I'm calm, smart, and calculated. I don't lash out. I strategize to get what I want. Only, for some fucking reason, Julie brings out a side of me I didn't even know I had.
I always took a lot of pride in believing I was nothing like Jacob. I'm honest, kind, and always ready to lend a hand. Bees and honey, you know?
But as soon as I lock my gaze with Julie's whiskey-brown eyes, there’s this jolt of pain jamming through my ribcage that instantly reminds me I’m livid with her. I look at her and am thrown back into that hotel room for all the wrong reasons.
It fucking hurts, man .
Who knew you could experience your highest high and lowest low in just two hours? They say your world can flip upside down in a heartbeat, but I didn’t understand how true that was until the last day I saw her before I flew back to LA.
And now that she’s here, I keep fucking reliving it, not just when I close my eyes at night, but every fucking day just by knowing she’s here. She’s close.
She’s in the fucking same city.
I take another swig of my bottle of Jim Beam.
I don't even like this shit. It burns through my gullet like fucking acid.
Fucking disgusting.
The sand drums underneath my palm, and I whip my head straight into the glare of my baby brother.
“You are such an asshole.” He drops his ass in the sand next to me, swiping the bottle out of my hand and taking a big swig.
I sweep my gaze to his board shorts and t-shirt, then roll my eyes when it’s perfectly clear he didn’t come here to surf. He came here to scold.
Goody.
“Ford talk to you?” I roll my eyes, stealing the bottle back.
“Fuck yeah.”
The liquor burns my throat. “I’m gonna kill him.”
“You won’t even hit him if that’s how you’ve been spending your night.” His disapproval fills the small space between us. “You’ve been surfing with good old Jim in your system?”
My face wipes clear with any kind of understanding, because what the fuck?
“I’m an asshole, Cash. Not stupid.”
I’m angry as fuck, but I’m not depressed enough to go surfing drunk. I don’t have a death wish, and even though my ego is big enough, I’m fully aware that I’m not fucking invincible.
Otherwise, this shit wouldn’t hurt so fucking much.
“You called me Cash.” He tries to hold back the smallest smile, and I shrug.
“One day, the world will too, so I might as well get used to it.” I hand him back the bottle as a peace offering. “You here to rub it in?”
Damn, Ford.
He was blowing up the phone right after I walked out of Julie’s, and I’m gonna pretend it was a moment of weakness when he asked me how it went, and I actually replied with the truth. Stupid mistake.
“Hell, I was, but now I just feel sorry for you.”
“Great, just what I was aiming for.” I take another sip of the bottle, hoping it will taste better with each attempt, then rub my hand over my face.
The waves keep crashing into the shore at a steady and predictable pace, but here I am, feeling like the world is crumbling around me. It has been for months now, if I’m being honest. I ignored it. Pushed it back, as if my life didn’t feel empty without being able to call her whenever I felt like it, but it’s becoming harder to deny.
Fuck, I miss her.
“What are you doing, Jason?”
I can’t stand the pitying voice he’s using with me. “Having shots.”
I put the bottle to my lips again. Dammit, it still tastes like shit.
“I know something happened, but she’s your friend.”
My head gives a short wag. “Not anymore.”
“Is that why you were ready to rip Jacob’s head off when he put his hand on her at the gala? What happened between you two, man?”
I snort, regretting my snide tone before the words even roll off my lips. “She went back to Jacob one too many times.”
“Except she didn’t,” he challenges. “She broke up with him in the spring.”
He’s right. After today, I know I can’t kid myself any longer. They are not together, and that should make me fucking ecstatic, but there’s still something nagging that I can’t pinpoint.
“Something is going on with them and she won’t tell me.”
“Why the fuck would she?”
Yeah, okay, good point.
I briefly lock eyes with him before he continues. “You’ve been acting like an asshole. If anything, you proved to her you’re definitely related to Jacob.”
My head swivels his way with a death glare as I shove him deeper into the sand. “Don’t compare me to that psychopath.”
“Hey, back off.” He pushes back, matching my energy with a don’t-make-me-kick-your-drunk-ass attitude.
“I hate him just as much as you do, but shutting her out like that? That’s exactly what he used to do.” He points his finger in my face. “Why the fuck would she tell you what’s going on when you’re showing her exactly why she can’t trust you?”
My palms rub over my cheeks before I fold them in front of my face, staring at the sun slowly disappearing into the ocean.
Never in a million years would I have thought that I would be the one Julie couldn’t trust, and though the feeling is mutual, it still feels like a knife has been jabbed into my chest.
“She hurt me,” I whisper.
Jordan tilts his head as he studies my face, probably looking for answers I’m not willing to give him. I’m not that drunk, but I’m drunk enough for my brother to see at least bits of the truth slipping through.
“Clearly.” He nods. “And by the look in her eyes whenever they land on you, you hurt her too.”
He pulls the bottle from my hand, then swishes it into the ocean with one easy throw. My mouth opens to complain, but he holds up his hand. “ Stop pretending you're out for revenge. That’s not you. Just be her fucking friend. She needs one.”
Just be her fucking friend .
I want to be. If I can’t have her in any other way, I at least want her back as my friend because, fuck me, my life is not the same without her in it. But it’s not just that, I’m also just fucking tired of being mad at her.
Fuck, it’s exhausting.
So what do I do now?
Jordan gets off his ass, wiping his shorts clean of any sand, then points at something behind me. “You have ten minutes to get in my truck, or you’ll be walking home.”
“I drove here.”
My keys dangle between his fingers as he eyes the bottle floating back onto the sand. “That’s not gonna happen, is it?”
I blow out a deep breath before my towel is shoved into my face.
“Pick up that bottle, and then make sure you’re dry, because you’re walking the first mile if you drop your soaking wet ass on my seats.”
“So much love,” I murmur as I run the fabric through my wet hair.
“Tons. Now, stop being a little bitch and call her.”
I flip him off when he walks away, and he pulls a face just like he was younger.
Little shit.
You know the world is all shades of fucked up when your little brother starts making sense.
Should I call her? Would she even pick up? Who am I kidding? If she wasn’t willing to talk to me, she wouldn’t have given me the brief moments she has. I wouldn’t have gotten close in the bathroom. She wouldn’t have let me carry her away from her co-workers at the yacht party, and she wouldn’t have opened the door yesterday.
I am the one who’s holding a grudge. Not her.
Fuck it.
Before I can tell myself ten excuses not to do it, I push a few buttons on my phone until my camera is on and the FaceTime ring echoes loudly around me.
For a couple of seconds, my heart stutters while my mind buzzes with alcohol, knowing I’ll be heartbroken if she ignores me, but then a wide smile forms in relief as her beautiful face fills my screen.
“You’re answering.”
She seems hesitant, her eyebrows briefly knitting together before a smile haunts her pink lips and all the tension in her face disappears. “You’re drunk.”
I nod, because the alcohol hits me a little harder. My muscles relax as I fixate on her pretty eyes, easing my anger.
Focus, Jason.
“I’m also mad.” I tilt my head with a reprimanding frown, and my chest tightens when her features grow stale again.
“Jason, I can’t. Please...” The fatigue taking over her face feels like a sledgehammer knocking into me.
It’s the same look she would be wearing like an invisible mask whenever Jacob disappointed her again. It was always hard for me to see it, but knowing it’s there because I hurt her is ten times worse.
“I know.” I shake my head. “Neither can I.”
Not now. Even if I wake up tomorrow with a hangover and regret from calling her, I need this moment. I need one moment where we’re just Julie and Jason.
One moment when I can at least believe I’m her hero again.
A fucked-up one, but still her hero.
She looks gorgeous with her blonde hair spread out over the pillow of her pink couch, her skin free of makeup. She’s drowned in her gray hoodie, most of her body tucked away under a fluffy cream blanket, and all I can think of is how I want to cuddle up beside her and close my eyes.
How I want to hold on to her, feel her warmth against me, and how I wonder if she’d still smell like vanilla if I press my nose against her neck.
I really fucking miss her.
“I’m sorry I barged through your door. I don’t want to fight with you.” I hold her gaze as it mirrors the same hurt that's rooted deep in my heart. “I hate him for stripping us of our friendship.”
Her lips stay together, eyes softening as the corners lift in a sad smile. “He didn’t though, Jason. We did.”
My chin falls to my chest. She’s right. Our friendship has always been weird. Our attraction is even more confusing. But in the end, it wasn’t Jacob that fucked it all up. It was on us.
I run my hand through my wet hair. “Why did we?”
“I’m not sure.”
“You’re keeping things from me.”
I used to be the only one she didn’t keep secrets from. She told me things that happened with Jacob that not even Charlotte knows.
She hums in agreement, and I drag my lip between my teeth.
“Why?”
“I can’t tell you.”
Bullshit.
“There used to be a time when you’d tell me everything.”
This time, her smile is warm and genuine, keeping my rage at bay. “That hasn’t changed. But this is not just about me.”
What the hell? She’s not making it easy for me to get rid of the rage.
“Then who?” I screech.
“The people I love.”
“What does that mean?” Who the fuck is she protecting?
Is it Jacob? Is there something he’s done? Does she still love him even though she can’t stand him? For the longest time, I thought I still loved my brother, when at the same time I wanted to strangle him. Is that it? Has she still not seen the light?
The audio of the line rustles when she blows out a deep breath.
“I don’t wanna lie to you.” Tears form along her long lashes, churning my insides.
I’ve seen her cry so many times, but I can’t handle it when I’m the one who caused it, so instead of pushing in anger, I suck in a deep breath. I wait until my lungs are completely filled with oxygen, then release the air from my chest before a smile slides in place.
“Will you tell me one day?”
“Yes.”