#2
To My Beautiful Storm,
I want to start off by saying that none of what happened was because you were gone or because of our fight. I just wanted to get that out of the way first, since I know that the voices inside your head are telling you otherwise.
You were the reason I survived my mind for as long as I did. If I didn’t have you these past few months, I don’t know if I would be sitting here writing this letter.
Landon Parker Hayes, you are a man of very few words, but every single one somehow holds the weight of a thousand. You somehow know just the right thing to say, despite your insistence that this is not something you usually do.
The words may be something I can hold forever in my heart and repeat over and over in my mind, but it’s the silence that rings the highest tune. I have never in my life felt an overwhelming sense of peace and safety than in our moments of pure and utter silence, and I cannot thank you enough.
I know you are feeling like you hit rock bottom, and I can confidently say that I am right there with you. Which is why I wrote you a letter rather than saying goodbye.
We have this promise to tell hard truths and here's mine:
Since I met you, I have always felt this odd sense of comfort when I shouldn’t. You were a stranger and I should not have trusted you to come within 10 feet of me, but I did. I should not have had the crazy idea to be friends with benefits with the guy that was sent to pick me up off the side of the road, but I did. And most of all, I shouldn’t have ignored the fact that even when you were away, it felt like an invisible string was holding us together, even on our hardest days. But I did.
So what does all of this mean? I have no idea, but I can no longer deny the magnetic pull that I feel towards you. Which is why this is a letter and not a face to face conversation.
I am not the person who I want to be, and neither are you. We both have demons we can no longer fight on our own. I wish I was strong enough to be the person who could not only help herself but also be there for the person who has woven their wave into my soul, but I am not and neither are you.
We cannot keep existing as we are and using each other because that will only lead us down a path of catastrophic destruction. So I am leaving and I want you to promise me two things.
One: You will look inside yourself and see that, although you are strong, you cannot survive your mind on your own, Landon. Only you know the answer to how to beat them, and I need you to search high and low for that answer.
Two: If fate allows our paths to cross after the long road to healing and this invisible string that connects us is still there, that we will allow ourselves to explore what lies beyond the darkness. Whether that’s a beautiful friendship or something that lies far below the surface, I want you to promise me that you will forgive yourself and allow yourself to experience something that could be beautiful.
Landon Parker Hayes, you may not believe that you deserve something beyond your failures, but I can promise you that you do. Words may fail me and you may deny everything I wrote above, but trust me when I say that I would not be sitting here writing this if I saw you in any different way.
If I have learned anything from the past year, it’s that life is short and unpredictable and we shouldn’t take it for granted. Minutes are precious and the people that you surround yourself with should be ones you would fight for. You fight for strangers every day and it’s time you fight for yourself.
So fight Storm. Don’t let the voices drag you under. Because I would fight every obstacle that gets in my way to see you in a world where I can kick your ass at Uno in the sunshine instead of the darkness.
Sincerely,
Allie