Chapter 20
Preston is now working in London and Morgan is in Wales teaching English online. I talk to them more regularly, but it’s not the same. When your family sucks and you need to create a new one for yourself, one phone call each week is not enough.
From Sydney and Darshi I don’t hear anything at all.
They were in India with their son when the world shut down and so they stayed with Darshi’s family.
Even with a child, they’ve been trying to figure out if they hate each other or if they love each other.
Any day now I will receive an invitation to either a funeral or a wedding.
I miss them and I even miss their son. I miss when things were normal and I would babysit on Saturdays.
The cafe where I’ve been working closed in January and there is absolutely nothing to do.
I have no idea what to do with my future, which career path to pick.
I wasn’t even that great at serving coffee.
Everyone seems to have stuff figured out, everyone but me.
Ford has music. Morgan has teaching. Preston is all business.
Sydney and Darshi have each other. And me?
I’m unemployed with two degrees and an apartment that I have to leave at the end of May.
I have no idea of who I am, where I want to go or how to get there.
Someone who will only date you, instead of dating you but also Abe, Paul and Eliza. Someone who knows you love chocolate ice cream and who’ll give up their nickname so that you can have it.
In 2020 I’m lonely and instead of picking up the phone, I pick up cigarettes and I pick up men. Every evening a new one.
In 2020 everyone is lonely, and in 2020 is when I meet Jonathan.
Jonathan doesn’t go by John or Johnny. He goes by Thanny.
In fact, he insists I call him Thanny the first time we meet, on a first date outside in a park.
I’m wearing a thick coat that makes me look less tall and less skinny, with a scarf around my neck that I knit myself over the winter out of boredom.
“So now, we’re training for the Great North Trail with my mates. I mean, 800 miles is a lotta cycling, but fuck, if we just lock in…”
I don’t know what he’s talking about, but there’s a glimmer in Thanny’s eyes, so I smile, nod, and mumble something vaguely encouraging.
And it’s probably the right thing, because Thanny tilts his chin up and grins at me.
“Yep, I love cardio, that’s who I am!” he announces proudly and then pauses, looking me up and down. For a moment, I’m scared he’ll realise I’m not up to snuff. That I’m not the type of guy who goes biking on the weekend, or knows the difference between rugby and football.
“We should get you a bike. Could be a fun second date,” Thanny says with a grin. And then, he starts telling me about gear, helmets and mountain bikes versus city bikes.
I guess I’m worth the effort. I understand nothing he says, or actually, I simply don’t care. But Thanny looks happy to tell me about his life, and for the first time in a while I feel a little less lonely.
At the end of our first date, Thanny stares at me intently as I change his name in my contacts to ‘Thanny’ and then suggests I put a heart next to it.
For a while, we meet every day in the park outside my apartment. He lives on the other side of town but bikes all the way every day. He tells me about the TV programs he likes to watch but doesn’t ask for mine, doesn’t ask if I like to bike as well.
Thanny is shorter than I am. That’s not hard, I rarely meet someone who is taller.
But Thanny is really short. He claims he’s one meter and seventy-five centimetres, but I know it’s a lie.
That would make Thanny about ten centimetres shorter than Ford and that’s so not the case.
But I don’t call his bluff, I simply nod and he rewards me with one of his feisty grins.
He saves my number under Ashley B., as if there are Ashley A. and Ashley C. in his contacts already. I ignore the way it makes me feel because I’m desperate and I’m ashamed how desperate I am.
A fortnight later, Thanny texts me good morning and good night and we meet as much as we can.
He’s lost his job as a personal trainer too, but he’s trying to move his business online, and he shows me different exercises in the park, flexing this and that muscle.
It’s April in England and it’s unusually warm but Thanny is fully committed to being around me without a shirt, showing off the defined abdomen and the powerful thighs.
He doesn’t know yet how little I care. Doesn’t know that I’d rather move back with my parents than hear his opinion on carbs and how many I’m eating.
But in 2020 I’m lonely, and Thanny is there. He kisses me under the rain and he tells me I’m the tallest man he knows, “And the most beautiful.” It’s almost an afterthought, but I don’t mind. I believe him anyway.
We walk under the stars, my sweaty hand in his callous one. We circle the reservoir and snack on carrots, and his fingers trace my cheek as if it’s the most precious thing.
At the end of May Thanny tells me we should move in together, move into that house in Sheffield that I bought impulsively with my grandma’s inheritance, the house I’ve never even seen myself yet, if not in photos.
But in 2020 I’m so lonely that I do.
Thanny and I have been seeing each other for over a month now and as we start packing up our stuff, he’s bouncing from foot to foot.
For days he moves about, unable to calm down.
He grabs my arms and pulls my hair and he never stops talking, never stops planning.
He insists I ask my friends for a celebratory dinner so I text Ford, Morgan and Preston, inviting them over.
If they can make it; If not, it doesn’t matter. In 2020, nothing really matters.
The day of the move is a Saturday, and Thanny drives the van all the way to Sheffield. He says he hates driving but when I offer him an exchange, he says he’s fine. When we get to the house, we carry our boxes under the torrential rain. I offer to go return the van but Thanny shakes his head.
“I’ll go,” he tells me, “I ordered pizza for when your friends get here. Got us a salad, too.” And he drives away.
I’m still outside my very own, very new house when I see Ford walking down the street under the rain. I spot him from far away but honestly, I would locate Ashford Hale in the largest crowd, at the ends of the Earth. “Ford! Right here!”
Ford waves at me and trots over. “Hey! Gosh, it’s been forever.” He wraps his arms around me and I smell his hair. The red curls are longer but the beard is shorter, revealing the curve of his dimples when he moves away to look at me in the eyes.
“I’ve missed you the most,” Ford says sweetly and I believe him easily. It’s pouring, and it’s thundering inside of me.
I could tell him I feel exactly the same, instead I push him away with a laugh. “Softie.” Jabbing my finger into his side, I try to tickle him but the man is impossible. Unmovable. I offer to take his bag, but he shoves my hand away.
“Just a backpack, silly.” He releases a gentle breath, head tipped slightly to the side. “You look cold. Want to borrow my jumper?”
“I’m alright, thanks.”
I scan Ford’s face and then turn towards my house. My house. “Do you want to see my house?” I ask.
“Do I want to see your what the fuck now?”
???
When Thanny is back, Morgan and Preston have also arrived. It’s dark outside and I’ve already caught all of them up. Lost my job, grandma Bergman is dead and left me an inheritance, got a house in Sheffield. Got a boyfriend. And now, said boyfriend is walking through the door with our food.
“Caught the delivery boy outside.” Thanny comes into the living-room and looks at my friends. “Is everyone in Sheffield tall and hot?”
Morgan and Preston laugh at him but my eyes are on Ford, on the serious expression painted on his face.
“Thanny, these are Morgan, Preston and Ford.”
With a big smile, Thanny opens his arms. “Welcome to our house, guys.”
“Not a guy,” I hear Morgan mutter. I hope that Thanny hasn’t heard her, but I shall never be so lucky.
“Actually, I meant…” Thanny goes to explain, but I stop him before he makes a fool of himself.
“Shall we eat on the couch?”
With a laugh, Thanny waves me off. “Don’t be ridiculous Ash. Let’s eat in the dining-room.”
And so in the dining-room we eat. Around a new table, in my new house. Thanny hands Morgan, Preston and Ford a pizza each and then he divides a salad between the two of us. As he sits next to me he places a small kiss on my head.
I eat my salad slowly as Ford, Thanny, Morgan and Preston chat tentatively around me. Occasionally I steal a glance at Ford’s pizza and eventually, with a smirk, he picks up the knife. Then, Ford hands me a slice of his pizza and I take it carefully from his fingers.
“You sure you want to add those carbs, babe?” Thanny is watching me and then he’s watching my plate. I already finished my salad.
I ignore Ford’s frown and lower my hand, placing the pizza on the empty plate before me. Then, I push the plate away.
Thanny smiles at me proudly and I return the smile, a sense of accomplishment dawning on me. My boyfriend is happy.
“My ex was always mixing foods and it was not good.” Thanny turns to Morgan and Preston as if nothing happened. “Luckily Ash is learning. He’s so tall, he needs to take better care of himself. Protein protein protein, is what I always say,” Thanny jokes, as if I wasn’t sitting right beside him.
“Ash loves pizza,” Ford says in a low voice, a rumble I’ve never heard from him. Clutching his beer, he takes a long sip.
Thanny stares him down and then forces a cheerful expression on his face. “Ash loves to be healthy, don’t you babe?”
Instead of responding, Ford turns to me with a pensive expression. “I thought you didn’t like pet names.”
I shrug, unsure how I ended up in the line of fire between my boyfriend and my oldest friend.
“He loves when I call him babe, right Ash?” Thanny pushes, his long dark lashes framing the blue eyes.
“Ash can talk for himself if I remember correctly, right Ash?”
I stop breathing, my eyes jumping between Ford staring at me and Thanny staring at Ford.
In the end, it’s Preston who breaks the silence. “Awful weather we’ve been having eh? London’s flooded, never seen so much rain.”
Morgan purses her lips. “You’ve just moved to London, ‘course you’ve never seen it.”
“Well I heard about it too,” Thanny adds and then Ford finishes his beer and excuses himself to the restroom. I tell him it’s upstairs and once we hear the door lock, Thanny makes a sound of appreciation.
“Ford is so fit. I can’t believe you’ve been friends this whole time and you never asked him about his routine,” Thanny says, pushing the salad around on his plate.
“I don’t really-” I try to argue, but Thanny doesn’t listen.
“His arms are huge. You said he plays cricket? Gosh, he can strangle me. Reminds me of Batman. Maybe Superman? Did he ever wear glasses?”
I think about it, although I know perfectly Ford has never needed glasses. “Actually no…”
Thanny nods. “I’d double hit that.”
Morgan and Preston share a look, and then Preston asks, “Didn’t you two kiss once?”
At that, silence falls into the room. Thanny looks at me, pushing his salad to the side. I ignore the way Morgan elbows Preston and I look for an excuse, anything.
“How did I not know this, Ash?”
In the end, I say the truth. “We were teenagers. He’s straight.” Which is a lie, and since I already want to disappear, I might as well add, “It meant nothing.” I will regret these words for years, later, wondering if Ford heard them.
When Ford comes back to the table, the lines on his forehead are deeper and he smells like alcohol. He explains he’s not feeling well and he’s going home, he’s sorry, he wishes us a great evening.
When I stand to walk him out, he stops me.
“No need. Thanks for the dinner. Morgan, Preston, good to see you. Jonathan, it was…” Ford pauses. “...Interesting.”
After he’s gone, the house is quiet. Morgan and Preston leave around midnight.
“Are you sure you don’t want to spend the night here? I could set up the couch.”
“Christ, Ash. It’s your first night in your new home. With your new boyfriend. Relax, enjoy. Have sex in the kitchen or something. Morgan and I will have a quick breakfast tomorrow and then we’ll drive back.” Preston hugs me.
“Alright then. Well, thanks for coming.”
Morgan winks at me. “Sweetie, are you kidding? We wouldn’t miss the day you find a boyfriend and move in with him all within a month.”
“Very lesbian of you,” Preston agrees.
“It feels natural.” My voice cracks on the last word.
“Does it, Ash? Because you looked miserable at dinner. Hungry, too.”
“And are we going to ignore what happened with Ford?”
“It was fine. Ford and I are fine.”