Chapter 4
Charlotte
Present Day
As quickly as I can walk away from Xander, I do. My heart is beating harder, and I focus on the floor until I get out of the hospital, too scared to look at anyone, for fear I’m going to break down and sob hysterically.
He dreams of me.
But he is still searching for and loves Billie.
Stay away.
My brain is a mishmash of thoughts, with the most dangerous one of all springing to the surface, over and over again.
Hope.
I need to get it out of my system. There is no future with Xander. He will never let go of his feelings for this Billie woman, whoever she is.
When the doors to the hospital open and I step outside, I pick my head up. With the cold wind beating on my face, I scurry to the parking garage and locate my car. Only once I’m inside it do I break down.
Seven hours of torture. That’s what I endured. Every second wondering if he knew who I was or didn’t. But then he came into the locker room and gave me a glimmer of hope that he remembered me.
But he doesn’t.
He told me he dreams of me, but what does that mean? How can he dream of me but not remember me?
Then he touched me. He held my face in his hands and through tear-filled eyes, wanted to know how he hurt me.
I almost told him.
I almost wrapped my arms around him and cried into his chest.
Almost.
There were so many emotions in his eyes: confusion, fear, frustration. I saw it all, and it ripped my heart into tinier pieces.
As much as I wanted to tell him, it wasn’t fair, not to me, nor him. He was going through enough pain from losing his memory.
If I told him what he did, I inevitably would end up in his arms, and it would just be him trying to comfort me. I’d be wrecked further. If he knew why he hurt me, he’d feel more guilt. It wasn’t his fault he couldn’t remember or that he still loved Billie.
So I didn’t tell him because it wasn’t fair. I knew from my childhood, life wasn’t fair and how hard it was.
Growing up in an orphanage with no one to love or care for me, fair was not something that ever entered my life. I tried not to let my past turn me into a victim, not to let it harden my heart. But for once, I wish the universe would give me just a bit of fairness.
But it just wasn’t in the cards for me.
So, I spared Xander from it and took all the pain for myself. Out of all the things I’ve been through, this feels the worst, and I don’t know how that’s possible.
I only spent a few nights with him. Every day, for several months, we communicated every way possible, but logically, this pain I feel shouldn’t be this deep.
It was only a few days.
Then again, we told each other our secrets. I shared things I hadn’t shared with anyone I had dated before. And we declared our love and made promises to one other.
But I will take on more pain to shield Xander.
He didn’t deserve to lose his memory. It’s my fault we were in the accident anyway.
If I hadn’t flown in to surprise him, he wouldn’t have insisted on driving me to the airport.
We wouldn’t have gotten into the accident, and his memory wouldn’t be gone.
If I hadn’t allowed him to drive me, we would be together right now.
I can’t imagine what he is going through, and even though I can’t have him, I want him to be guilt-free and happy, even if it’s with Billie.
I sit in my car sobbing so hard, it takes me a while to pull myself together enough to drive home.
When I get there, I curl up in a ball on my bed. I need to figure out a way to work next to him and not feel like this. Now that he’s in Chicago and our paths have crossed professionally, I’m going to have to deal with it. I can’t be breaking down every time I’m around him.
I’m trying to figure out a strategy of how to forget him when I hear my buzzer. I go over and hit the intercom.
“Let me in, Charlotte.” Quinn’s voice comes through the speaker.
Why is Quinn here? I wrack my brain then remember the girls and I planned to go out for dinner and drinks to celebrate my first day back. I hit the buzzer, and it doesn’t take long till Quinn is standing in my apartment.
When she steps in, she gives me a big hug. “How was your first day back?”
I lie to her. “Fine.”
She tilts her head and squints at me. “Charlotte, have you been crying?”
I turn away.
Quinn puts her arm around my shoulder. “Hey, what’s wrong?”
My stomach shakes again. “I was in surgery all day with Xander.”
“What? Come sit down.” She pulls me over to the couch.
“He’s in Chicago, the new surgeon on my team of doctors. For seven hours, I had to work next to him.”
Quinn puts her hand over her mouth. Then she removes it and asks, “Does he remember you.”
I scan Quinn’s eyes, not sure if I should tell her.
“What? Tell me.”
“He doesn’t remember me but told me he dreams about me.”
She arches a brow. “So, he remembers you.”
I shake my head. “He is still searching for Billie and loves her.”
“Xander doesn’t love her. He doesn’t remember everything but will realize it eventually.”
I shake my head harder. “No. He’s in love with her. I asked him, and he didn’t even hesitate.”
Quinn’s eyes widen. “But if he dreams of you, then he remembers you. His mind must be trying to piece things together.”
“No, he doesn’t remember me. And I can’t live in hope. I need to forget about him and move on. I won’t stand in the way of him finding Billie or play second fiddle if he is still in love with another woman.”
“But he isn’t,” Quinn insists. “Jamison says once his memory of when he was twenty-two to twenty-four comes back fully, he will realize he hasn’t loved her in over ten years.”
I need to change the subject, so I flip the tables on Quinn. “What’s going on with you and Jamison?”
Her face flushes, and she shrugs. “Nothing. We’re friends. Not much can go on when we live a plane ride away.”
I narrow my eyes and stay silent.
“What?”
“I don’t believe nothing is going on.”
“That’s your choice.”
“But if you were in the same city, you would be together?”
She flushes darker and shrugs again.
I tilt my head. “I’ll take that as a yes.”
She avoids my observation. “What are you going to do about Xander?”
“I don’t know. I’m going to have to work with him. I need to forget about him.”
Quinn squints at me. “Why don’t you see if you hang out with him if he remembers you?”
“No way. He’s in love with another woman. There’s—”
“But he isn’t. He doesn’t love her anymore. He just doesn’t remember. Once he does, it won’t be an issue. Jamison swears he was over her way before he met you.”
“Whether he was over her before we met doesn’t matter. What matters is right now, he is in love with her.”
“But—”
“No!” I’m almost yelling.
Quinn slowly nods. “Okay.”
I glance down at my watch. “We’d better get going, or we’ll be late meeting the girls.”
Quinn stands.
I rise, too. “I don’t want to talk about this with the others. I shouldn’t have said anything to you.”
“Why?”
“Xander and I are over. It will never be. Let’s just drop it, okay?”
Quinn sighs. “If that’s what you want.”
“It is.” But it’s the farthest thing from what I want.
Quinn and I get to the restaurant, and Piper and Vivian are already there. They have drinks waiting for us on the table, and as soon as I sit down, I chug half of mine back.
“Jeez, Charlotte. Thirsty?” Vivian teases.
“Yep.” I motion for the waitress to send me another drink.
Quinn glances at me, and I know she is dying to spill my Xander news. I give her a look that tells her I’m going to kill her if she says a word.
I do not want to talk about it.
Unfortunately, like my luck has been all day, that isn’t in the cards.
Piper clears her throat. “Since you’ve got a drink in you now, I need to tell you something.”
I know what’s coming. I don’t know why I thought I would get away with avoiding the Xander topic tonight.
“Xander is moving here, and he started at the hospital you work at,” Piper blurts out.
I sarcastically laugh. “Yeah, I figured that out after the seven-hour surgery I had to endure with him today.”
“Seven hours!” Vivian shrieks.
I throw back the rest of my drink then glare at Piper. Suddenly, I’m mad. She could have prepared me for my run-in with Xander. “Thanks for having my back on that one.”
Piper winces. “You said you didn’t want to know anything about how he was doing. I wanted to tell you in person. I’m sorry. I didn’t know.”
“I don’t think Xander working at the same hospital I do is in the same classification as status updates on him,” I throw back at her.
“I’m sorry. You’re right.”
Vivian puts her hand on mine. “What happened?”
The waitress sets down another martini, and I take a sip. I tell the girls everything that happened, including how Xander said he dreams of me.
“What does that mean?” Vivian asks.
I shrug. “I don’t know. He doesn’t remember me, but he dreams of me. How does that even make sense?”
I don’t get any answers, just confused stares. I can’t say I blame my friends.
“What did he say you are doing in these dreams?” Quinn asks.
I shrug. “We didn’t get that far. But it doesn’t matter. He is still searching for and in love with Billie.”
After finishing my second martini, I pop the green olive in my mouth and ask the waitress for water. I rarely drink a lot, and it’s already going to my head.
I tap my fingers on the table and stare at Piper. “I assume Xander is staying with you and Noah?”
She shakes her head. “The hospital is paying for his accommodations until he finds a place. It’s part of his relocation package, and he said he didn’t want to be in our hair. We told him that was silly, but he chose to stay at the hotel.”
It’s on the tip of my tongue to ask her which one, but I don’t. I’m afraid I might use my liquid courage and end up beating on his door tonight.
Quinn says, “I told Charlotte I think they just need to hang out, and he will remember her.”
“No,” I sternly tell her again.
“Why? It won’t hurt,” Vivian says.
I sarcastically laugh. “It won’t hurt? Who? Xander? Because it will definitely hurt me, and I already hurt enough.”
“You don’t know that.” Piper points at me.
“My heart is crushed enough. I don’t need to set myself up to get trampled even more. No, there will be no hanging out. I need to figure out how to work next to him, and that’s it.”
The girls all exchange a look, and I know they want to argue with me, but I hold my hand up. “Please, let it be. I can’t be a second-place person because he can’t find Billie, and I can’t live hoping he will remember what we had. He will never remember me, and I don’t need false hope.”
“But—” Piper began.
“Please. Don’t.”
She lets out a big breath and nods.
“There is no future for Xander and me besides as work colleagues.” As I say it, I tell myself it’s the truth, but it doesn’t make it any less painful.