Chapter 6
Xander
Present Day
Noah and I have a few beers and dinner together. He said Piper is out with the girls, and I almost ask him where. The thought crosses my mind to go there and make Charlotte talk to me, but I don’t ask.
It’s after eight when I get to the hotel. My thoughts aren’t any less messy than before, except now I’m confused about my feelings for Billie and what I felt with Charlotte earlier.
If only I could remember. How many times have I said that over the last six months? Why can’t I remember?
I pull at my hair as I step inside my hotel room. After a quick shower, I lie in bed and replay the day and my conversation with Noah.
Then it hits me. Noah told me he thought Charlotte and I texted a lot.
I pull out my phone and type the name Charlotte in. Hundreds of messages pop up. I scroll, and, after fifteen minutes, I get to the very top of our text conversations. For the next few hours, I read through everything, with various emotions popping up.
A few texts make me laugh. Some make me sad. Most make me feel wanted.
She’s sweet.
She’s funny.
She’s raw and honest.
Over the next few hours, I learn a lot about Charlotte...and myself.
It’s very clear Charlotte wasn’t pursuing me.
I may not remember everything, but reading these messages, I’m 100 percent obsessed with this girl.
I initiated most of the conversations. I’ve pursued her.
Not a day goes by from the first text message to the day before the accident that I didn’t begin several conversations with her.
From the time I got up until I went to bed, she was all I thought about, based on my text messages to her.
“Good morning, gorgeous. Did you sleep well? Sorry I kept you up so late on the phone.” Okay, so we were talking on the phone as well, like Noah said.
“You should have seen the crazy-ass cyst I removed from this guy’s femur today. You would have loved all the extra pus.” She sent me back heart emojis. What other girl could I ever joke around with about this kind of stuff humor? Who enjoyed my warped sense of humor?
Not Billie runs through my mind.
“Send me a picture of you.”
She sent me a picture, blowing me a kiss. She’s so damn gorgeous.
“What are you wearing?”
She sent me a picture of her in her red lace bra, but only the back of it, not the front. Fuck, that’s hot.
“Did you get home safely?” When she wrote back yes, I told her I was FaceTiming her.
“Club D sucked. I kept wishing you were here with me. When I get to Chicago, I’m taking you out.” I was making long-term plans with her.
“Can you send me Vivian’s number so I can view apartments when I’m there? Do you want to come with me, so I don’t end up in a crappy bachelor pad you hate to stay over in?” She teased me about being presumptuous, and I told her all the ways I would make her cum when I saw her next.
“You’re getting extra dessert for paying over three grand for me.” I still can’t believe she paid that much money so another girl didn’t get a date with me. And she did it over the phone.
“You should come to New York and surprise me.” That was the night before she flew out to New York and surprised me.
“I miss you.” I lost track of the number of times I had texted her that. And I had only been with her one night when I started sending her those messages.
There is no way I would have ever sent all these messages unless I was head over heels for this girl. And I understand why from all her messages.
No wonder she’s heartbroken. I destroyed her. I destroyed us.
I save several pictures she sent me to me and realize I already had saved them. I just hadn’t opened the gallery on my phone since the accident.
Staring at her picture, I see the lips and hair that have been in my dreams all these months. It’s complete now. There is no more faceless woman. And damn if she isn’t the most beautiful creature I’ve ever seen.
Guilt crashes through me as Billie’s image pops up in my mind. I throw my phone on the bed and put my hands over my face, trying to remember anything new, but nothing comes. It’s the same memories as always.
Billie’s face, clear in my mind as she laughs and kisses me.
Noah wouldn’t lie to me, and if he says Billie and I split and weren’t happy, then we must not have been, but I can’t understand or accept it until I remember it.
But now I also have Charlotte’s face popping up. Her tear-filled eyes are ripping my heart out, and the picture she sent smiling and blowing me a kiss is rotating in my mind.
Rationality tells me I shouldn’t feel guilty about thinking about Charlotte instead of Billie, but it’s a tug-of-war in my mind.
Did I really fall out of love with Billie? I still can’t fathom it. But do I love two women, even if I only was with one a very short time.
Is it possible to love two people at once?
It’s past ten now, and I have to be at the hospital at four in the morning for surgery. I should go to sleep. Instead, I pull up Charlotte’s number.
I text her. “Are you awake?”
I wait, about to assume she’s asleep when I finally get a reply. “Yes.”
Without thinking, I hit the FaceTime button.
Xander, what are you doing?
It rings and rings, and I think it is about to stop ringing when she picks up. She is silent
“Hey,” I say.
She slowly waves.
“I just spent the last few hours reading our text messages.”
Her eyes widen. “Okay...”
I take a deep breath. “Look, I don’t know what I’m doing right now. I’m not sure why I can’t remember things. I know what people tell me, and it just doesn’t make sense because I can’t remember any of it.” I pull at my hair in frustration.
“Xander, are you okay?”
Tears well up in my eyes, and I gaze up at the ceiling.
“No. I’m not. I just spent the last few hours getting a glimpse into us, and I don’t remember you.
Except for my dreams...every single night, you haunt my dreams. But I can’t remember a goddamn thing about you.
..about us. And I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. You don’t deserve it.”
“It’s okay. I’m not mad at you. You don’t need to feel guilty about anything. It’s my fault this happened, so I should be the one to apologize.”
“Your fault?”
She nods. “If I hadn’t surprised you and let you drive me to the airport, none of this would have happened.”
“That wasn’t your fault.”
“Yes, it was.”
“No, it wasn’t. It’s no one’s fault. But if you want to blame someone, blame me. Go read the text messages. I told you to come surprise me.”
“I should have just taken a taxi.”
“Stop it. It was an accident. And I’m so sorry I hurt you. It’s tearing me up right now, and I hate myself for it.”
She looks away and then back at me. “Xander, you’ve done nothing wrong. It’s okay. Just let it go and don’t think about it anymore. It is what it is.”
“No, Charlotte. You don’t understand what I’m trying to tell you.”
“What are you trying to tell me?”
“Everyone around me can tell me how things were or what I should or shouldn’t feel, but I know myself. I know what I felt when I saw you today. I know what I felt when I read all those messages. I know myself, and I can’t ignore what’s in those messages.”
Charlotte takes a big breath. “What’s that?”
“A man who’s crazy about a woman he only met a few times.”
She blinks back tears and bites her lip. “But you don’t remember me?”
I shake my head. “Only in my dreams.”
“But you still love Billie?”
I rub my hands in my face. “Yes. No. I don’t know. I know what I remember. I hear what Noah, Chase, and Jamison tell me. I’m trying to wrap my head around it but without the memories, it makes it hard for me not to feel for her what I last remember.”
A pained expression crosses Charlotte’s face.
“I’m sorry. I don’t want to lie to you.”
“Okay.”
“Charlotte, I know I have feelings for you. I felt them today when I saw you. I didn’t understand though. Then I read our messages.”
She closes her eyes and turns away.
“Charlotte.”
She slowly faces me then opens her eyes. “What do you want from me, Xander?”
“I don’t know. I didn’t have a plan when I asked you if you were awake.”
She laughs softly. “Fair enough.”
“You have a nice laugh and smile,” I blurt out.
She smiles a little bigger then yawns.
“Are you at the hospital tomorrow?”
“I have to be there around four.”
I laugh. “Me, too.”
“I bet money we are in the same surgery.”
“I would be okay with that. Would you?”
She pauses for a moment. “Yeah. I’d be okay with that.”
“Good. I’m going to let you get some sleep now. I’ll see you in a few hours.”
She smiles. “All right. Hey, Xander?”
“Yeah.”
“Thanks for calling.”
I wink at her. “Thanks for taking my call.”