Chapter 20
Charlotte
The snow is still coming down, and all you can see through the window is whiteness. Xander and I are curled together, warm under the blankets and from each other’s skin.
“The guys are coming to town this weekend,” Xander tells me.
“That will be nice for you to see them.”
“We’re supposed to go to Club D. Will you be my date?”
I laugh. “Sure. Am I to assume my friends will be there?”
“Definitely Piper, but I have a suspicion Quinn and Vivian will be there, too.”
I nod. “Probably.”
“What’s going on with those two and Chase and Jamison?”
I roll my eyes. “They claim nothing, but I don’t buy it.”
“I’m not buying that, either.”
“Why do you think they deny it?”
He shrugs. “No idea. But will you go with me to Club D?”
“Yes. Of course.”
He smiles. “Good. I’m assuming we’re awesome dancers together?”
I beam. “We didn’t have any complaints last time.”
His hand is on my hip, and he strokes it with his thumb. “How did I first tell you I love you?”
“We just got back from dinner in New York.”
“The dinner we didn’t eat at?” Xander grins at me.
I laugh. “Yes. You had boxes everywhere because you were packing to move, and you sat on one and pulled me onto your lap. You said, ‘I’m madly in love with you.’”
“And what did you say?”
“I said, ‘That’s good because I’m madly in love with you.’”
Xander looks wistful. “I wish I could remember that.”
I giggle, thinking about it.
“What’s so funny?”
“I may have done something to you after on that box...before it collapsed.” My face heats.
“And what were you doing to me?”
I clear my throat. “Use your imagination.”
“It doesn’t happen to have the initials B and J, does it?”
“Maybe.”
“And the box collapsed?”
I nod. “Right when it was getting good for you.”
He burst out laughing. “Okay, now I really wish I could remember that.”
I brush my hand through his hair. “Maybe you will someday.”
Sadness briefly passes his eyes.
“You okay?”
“Yeah. I just need to keep reminding myself the past doesn’t matter, and only the future does.”
I stare at him. “What scares you the most about that?”
He hesitates. “You want honesty?”
“Yes.”
“It used to be not remembering everything but not anymore.”
“What is it now?”
“I’m scared I will go to sleep and have another dream, and I will hurt you. So while I want to sleep with you wrapped up in my arms, I think I need to spend the night on the couch.” His eyes drill into mine, full of fear and anxiety.
“You don’t have to do that.”
“I don’t want to lose you, but more than that, I don’t want to hurt you, Charlotte.”
“I know.”
He sits up against the headboard. “When I started remembering things, flashbacks would fly at me during strange moments. I don’t trust my mind right now.”
I understand what he’s saying, but I don’t want him on the couch.
I want to sleep curled up to him. So many months, I cried myself to sleep or woke up to a pillow soggy with tears because he wasn’t here.
I don’t want to go backward. I cup his face in my hands.
“Don’t go. If something happens, I’ll deal with it. ”
“I don’t want you to have to deal with it. I don’t want to cause you any more pain. You don’t deserve that.”
“We’ve spent enough time apart. It’s fine. I’ll be fine.”
Xander looks at me, unsure of what to do.
“Stay with me.”
“Charlotte—”
I put my finger over his mouth. “There are no guarantees you will or won’t have dreams. And it could be forever for all we know. You said we would get off the roller coaster together. This is part of our together.”
He takes a deep breath, nervously looking at me, grappling with what to do.
“I’ll handle it if it happens.”
“You shouldn’t have to handle it.”
“Stop. Stay.” I straddle him and lean in and kiss him, knowing it might happen but telling myself I will have to toughen up and deal with it if it does. I love him, and I want my life to be with him, so if that means we have to deal with his past, then we will.
And I convince myself everything will be okay and that it’s just flashbacks and not to let anything bother me, but sometimes things are easier played out in our minds than in reality.
I wake up, and the darkness is trying to turn into light.
Xander isn’t next to me. I throw his T-shirt on and walk out to the living area.
He’s sitting in an armless chair, staring, with an expression on his face I haven’t seen before.
Tearstains are on his cheeks, and he looks like he’s seen a ghost. A blanket is wrapped around his shoulders.
“Xander?” I softly say, brushing my hand on his cheek.
He slowly looks up at me.
“What’s wrong?”
It’s as if it takes him a minute to register who I am? Or maybe that I’m here?
A chill runs through me, and I panic. Did his memory go backward, and he doesn’t know me again?
“Xander?” I repeat.
His face changes, and he snaps out of whatever trance he was in.
“Charlotte.” His voice holds a hint of surprise in it.
“You okay?”
Nodding slowly, he says, “Yeah.”
“What happened?”
“Nothing. Everything is fine.” He forces a smile and pulls me into his lap. “Did you sleep well?”
“Yes. Did you sleep?”
“On and off.”
“Xander, what is going on?”
“Nothing.”
“Please don’t lie to me.”
He lets out a big breath. “Okay.”
I stroke his cheek. “Tell me what happened.”
“I’ve been having some intense flashbacks for the last few hours.”
“About Billie?” I do my best to keep it factual with no emotion in it, trying not to cringe.
He shakes his head, blinking back tears.
“What then?”
“Nathan. The first patient I ever lost on the surgery table.”
I kiss his forehead. “Nathan was Noah’s brother who passed, right?”
He nods.
“Is this the first time you remembered these incidents.”
His voice is hoarse. “Yes.”
“Do you want to talk about it?”
“No,” he whispers.
I pull his head into my chest. “Okay. You don’t have to.”
His arms wrap around me, and one hand slides under my T-shirt while he looks up and crushes his lips into mine.
I straddle him so I can get as close as possible, trying to show him that any love I have in me I’ll give him. I consume his lips, as my knees dig into the sides of his hips, my naked sex against his hardening manhood.
“It seems like it’s happening now,” he murmurs. His voice is painful and raw, and my heart bleeds for him.
It’s a cruel twist from the universe that Xander has to experience grief and pain more than once, and I wish I could take it away from him.
“I’m sorry. What can I do?” I hold him tighter, wanting to change for him what I can’t.
“Make me forget. Even if it’s just for now.” Pain and tears fill his eyes.
I cup his face and kiss him, pouring every ounce of love and desire I have for him into it.
He grabs my hips and slides me over his erection, entering me in one fluid motion.
I sink onto his girth, quivering and gasping as my body accepts him.
“I want to be the man I used to be for you,” he murmurs.
“You are.”
“I’m not,” he insists.
“We’re both different, but the same. It’s okay.”
“You don’t deserve this.”
“Shh. Don’t talk like that.” I pull his T-shirt off me. “I want to belong to you. Exactly as you are.”
He buries his face in my breasts, licking me, sucking me, owning me.
“Xander,” I breath, puckering in his mouth, circling on his cock as he groans.
“You’re sunshine,” he murmurs and hungrily grasps my head and parts my lips with his tongue, darting in and out of my mouth then yanks my hair back and sucks on my neck.
“Oh God!” I moan as my body hums, rippling and surging with heat.
“I only want you,” he whispers.
“Yes,” I whisper back.
His eyes drive into my soul. “I will love you forever.”
I tremble. “I’ll love you back forever.”
His arms wrap around me tighter, caressing me, cherishing me, claiming me as his.
It’s all I’ve ever wanted. I’ve found my heaven in Xander. He fills the holes in my heart I assumed no one ever could. And I want to fill his, so no more heartache ever hurts him again, but I’m not sure how. The only thing I can do is love him, so that is what I vow to do.
“I will be the man you deserve,” he murmurs in my ear.
“You already are,” I tell him and mean it.
I grind into him harder, needing all of him in me as he shimmies against my walls, creating a tidal wave of euphoria so high in me, I collapse in his arms in tremors, crying out his name.
And as he unleashes his seed into me, he holds me so tight, our orgasms collide, and I no longer can tell where I end and he begins.
I think every second of what we’ve gone through has gotten us here. That nothing else can happen. That we’ve done our penance for whatever we’ve done wrong in this life or previous lives, and now is our time to have it easy, and just be able to love each other.
But love requires unconditional trust. And that isn’t always easy to give.