36. CHAPTER 36
K nowing what she had to do did not make it any easier. She had come to love her husband, and he had become so much a part of her that she didn't know how she had existed without him for seven years. How she would exist again when she let him go.
But let him go she must. Precisely because she loved him too much to condemn him to relive his worst nightmares. She had done that four times. Three times with the miscarriages, and again when she disappeared at sea. When he had thought her dead for seven years.
He had already lost so much when she met him. She should have brought ease and peace to his life. Instead, she had only brought more tragedy.
And now she was asking him to risk it again.
She understood him. By God, she did. She knew what she was asking of him. To risk more loss. More grief. More pain.
The worst part was that she could not offer any guarantees.
She couldn’t promise she would not lose another pregnancy.
She couldn’t promise she would not die. She could not even promise him she would eventually remember all the memories of love they had forged together.
For all she was asking of him, she could offer very little in return.
So she had to let him go. Because he wanted a child. He needed it. And he deserved it. The man who had loved and lost more than anyone she knew deserved to have everything. It would be painful. He would refuse. She knew he loved her. And she loved him. But she needed to do this for his own good.
She found him in the breakfast room. He was reading the morning papers with a cup of coffee untouched at his elbow.
When she entered, his gaze found her before the rest of him moved.
Then he stood and smiled, an uncertain, apologetic smile, but it softened the line of his jaw and made something twist in her chest. She was going to hurt him.
And he did not deserve more hurt. But if she stayed, she would hurt him more over the years.
This would be painful now, but better for him in the long term.
"We need to talk."
The smile drained. His body stiffened, as if bracing for a blow. He folded the paper. Set it aside.
"I know. Sit down, Vivi."
She did not sit down. Neither did he. They stood facing each other across the breakfast table.
"I would rather say what I have to say while standing."
He studied her, frowning.
"Then say it."
"You need an heir. What is more, you yearn for a child of your own. But you don't consider me capable of providing it."
He opened his mouth to protest, but she held up a hand, and he closed it again, pressing his lips together.
"I want to belong. To find a place to call home."
"And you have found it. You belong here. With me."
She huffed a bitter laugh. "Strange. I do not feel like I belong. If anything, I feel more like an impostor now than when I first arrived at Penrose."
"Don't say that. Of course you belong here. You have always belonged with me. Always will. This is your home."
"But I don't deserve it. I have only brought you pain.
You said it yourself: I was not the right candidate.
I was a deviation from your carefully considered plan.
Why would you want to stay married to me?
You could divorce me and marry another woman.
A woman who can give you the heir you need. A woman who meets your criteria. "
"That list was a stupid idea. That is not what I want now. It was not even what I wanted then."
"Sometimes what we want is not what is best for us." He drew a sharp breath as she threw back at him the same words he had said to her before.
"I won't do it."
"You should. It wouldn't be difficult for you to prove I have been unfaithful. Half the island of Guernsey witnessed that I almost married another man. Sue for divorce, Dalton. Free yourself and free me."
The wounded look in his eyes was almost enough to destroy her.
"Vivi…" It was a plea. This proud, powerful man was pleading with her. And it was all she could do not to give in. Run into his arms. Offer comfort. Tell him she loved him. That she would never leave him.
But that would be a greater cruelty.
She would fall apart later. But she needed to hold strong for now. Just long enough to release him.
"I'm going to move to my parents' house." She held up a hand when he opened his mouth and moved toward her.
"Don't try to stop me, please. I agreed to a trial period, remember? Seven weeks to determine if we suit. The seven weeks are over, and I don't think we suit, Val."
"Don't say that. We love each other." Pain, turning to anger. "Why can you not understand that I am only trying to protect you? I am doing it for your own good."
"So am I, Val. I am leaving for your own good."