Forgotten Vows (The Dubinin Bratva #2)

Chapter 1

IVAN

Blue streamers hung from the ceiling, but it was the gold and maroon cake that captured my eye the most. My uncle’s home didn’t often show an array of color or festivity like this, but that was all changing.

So much was evolving.

Too much was shifting.

Not all these things were new, either, and that was what hurt the most.

My uncle Luka and his new wife Gabriella were hosting a sixth birthday party for my cousin’s boy, Misha. And every time I spotted the young kid, I fought back regret.

I could’ve had a son about his age now.

Luka and Gabriella’s infant, Andre, was sitting up on Luka’s lap. He was such a bubbly, smiley little boy that each time I noticed him and marveled at how much older he already was, more sadness crept in.

That could’ve been me, holding my child.

It didn’t matter where I looked or what I tried to refunnel my thoughts to, the pain of my memories restrained me from being happy and living in the moment.

Sure, I was glad for my cousin, Alexsei, having the opportunity to celebrate his son’s birthday among the family here.

After the loss of his wife, Alexsei deserved all the brightness in life that he could find.

Misha was a bold ray of sunshine like that.

Perhaps it might’ve been strange to think so optimistically when we were all loyal members of the Dubinin crime family, but it was true.

I knew without a doubt that Misha would develop into a fine young man who’d make us all proud.

And I was, of course, happy for Luka and Gabriella to have made up and forged their own happiness as a newly married couple with a baby to make their new family even bigger. My uncle had also lost his wife many years ago, and this second chance with a younger love was ideal for him.

While I was glad for them all, it hit too close to my heart how I didn’t fit in with that glee and joy.

Because I lost her. The One. The only one.

I picked up my drink, but halfway in the lift to bring it to my mouth, I remembered that it was empty. Scowling, I set it down.

Drinking wouldn’t combat this depression, anyway. Calling this funky mood depression was probably overkill, but I knew enough that alcohol couldn’t numb or remedy this gaping hole in my heart.

It was just that much harder to ignore or fight now. With these examples of fatherhood around me, of a new couple being so in love, it was nearly impossible to keep my head screwed on straight.

“Hey.”

I raised my brows as Alexsei approached me from the side.

Even though we were inside Luka and Gabriella’s home in New York, the huge mansion Luka called his “fortress in the city”, it wasn’t wise to ever lower my guard this much.

Soldiers surrounded the place. Cameras served as backup security.

No one would trespass in here and crash the party.

Still, it was ingrained in my soul as a high-ranking Mafia man to always be on.

Not good.

It wouldn’t ever be wise to be so entrenched in my sorrow and reminiscing on what could have been to the degree I wasn’t aware of my surroundings. Alexsei likely hadn’t tried to sneak up on me, merely approaching, and he’d caught me off-guard.

“Hey,” I replied. “It looks like he’s having a good time.” What six-year-old boy wouldn’t when his superhero-themed party was in full swing?

“And it looks like you’re not,” he replied.

I sighed, hating that he’d be able to pick up on my mood and assume I wasn’t interested in being here. I was. It was just hard.

“Talk to me, Ivan.” He crossed his arms, leaning against the wall.

He, too, seemed fixated on staring at the massive cake. Garishly bright red frosting clashed with neon yellow, like an eyesore of a sugar bomb when the norm was gourmet food here.

“What’s there to talk about?” I replied, loathing to have my most perceptive cousin attempting to peel back my layers. It’d taken me a long time to slap on all these layers and mask my heartache, and I needed them to keep me from going insane over what I’d lost. Over what I’d walked away from.

“Oh, I don’t know…” He shot me a sarcastic smirk. “Maybe how you’ve been glum and pulling away ever since Luka and Gabriella got back together.”

I huffed a weak laugh. “Got back together?” It was my turn to give him a look. “They were never apart.”

It was true. Luka had taken Gabriella as a payment for her father’s debts.

Since the day we helped capture her and bring her here for him, she’d been a permanent fixture in this home.

As the boss of the family, Luka decreed that she was his and she would stay here with him.

No ifs, ands, or buts about it. She’d never left, not even after she discovered she was pregnant and hid that news from him.

He’d kept her here, staying near her, but it wasn’t until right before baby Andre was born that they made up and finally got over their fight.

I knew that was what Alexsei meant, but his words were like salt in the wound for me.

Raisa had been out of my life for years. She hadn’t been near me despite our being at odds with each other.

She was just gone.

And I hated every second of it.

“You know what I mean,” he replied, exasperated. “Ever since Luka and Gabriella got over their fight and resumed being the lovebirds of the family, you’ve been quiet. Broody.”

I shrugged, not bothering to fight his accusation on that point. “I’m not jealous.”

“No, no.” He rubbed his jaw, pensive as he stood with me and watched Misha smiling at Andre and teasing the baby to grab his fingers as he waved them at him.

“You’re not jealous. Not of them.” We all loved Uncle Luka and we’d all come to accept Gabriella into our family.

None of us would wish them ill. “But perhaps jealous that it couldn’t be you and Raisa. ”

I groaned lightly. Just hearing her name aloud still hurt.

“See?”

I faced his profile, frowning. “What do you want?” I asked, done with this introspective chat and eager to hide back in a hole at my house.

It seemed lonelier and bleaker with every passing day, but there was no helping that.

Just like how that gaping open hole in my heart never stitched back together, I felt like I was half of a man.

“To see if I can help you.” Alexsei didn’t baulk at facing me, looking me in the eye and letting me see that he cared.

“There’s nothing you can do to help.”

“I doubt that.” He patted my back. “We are family. And family helps family.”

That mantra was also ingrained into my soul. I’d always be able to lean on my cousins, both Alexsei and Emil, Luka’s son. I could rely on Luka, too. Even Gabriella, indirectly. Family was everything in our slice of the world despite the violence we were known for orchestrating as we ruled.

But nothing could happen to make my family come back to me.

“Look, I’m just upset about missing out on being a father.”

He smiled. “Hell, Luka just turned fifty and he just welcomed another son into the world. You’re not that old yet.”

I wasn’t. At only thirty-five, though, I could’ve had several children by now. Namely, a son or daughter about seven years old, a baby Raisa could’ve given me.

Aggravated again, I sighed and picked up my glass before belatedly remembering it was already empty.

Dammit.

Even if some were in there, it wouldn’t have done anything to improve this conversation.

“If you’re trying to imply I still have time and can find someone—”

“I’m not that stupid.” Alexsei shook his head. “No one would get far in telling you to find a woman to settle down with when you’re still clearly hung up on Raisa.”

At least he had that much common sense.

“The way I see it, there are two options. You either stay single, alone, childless, and miserable forever because no one else will do. Or you find her and make her yours.”

“It’s not that simple.”

He exhaled a long breath. “So what if it’s not simple? If you miss her and regret losing her, then do it. Find her. Ask her to take you back. Make it happen.”

“I’ve looked for her. You know I have. It might not be possible to make a reunion happen with the way I left her.”

Summoning the memory of how I’d broken up with the one woman I’d thought I’d be with forever induced a rise of bile in my throat.

“Wait. You think that because of the way you broke up—”

I growled again, pissed to even talk about this. “I didn’t fucking break up with her. I didn’t have some stupid fight like Luka and Gabriella had. I walked away with nothing but the odds of her hating my guts for all eternity.” And, damn, did I loathe myself for how I’d had to handle it.

“Because of what’s-her-name?” Alexsei furrowed his brow. “Fuck, I seriously can’t even remember her name now, that’s how insignificant she was.”

“Serena,” I bit out. “I walked away from Raisa because I was with Serena.” Just thinking about that actress pissed me off more. She had been insignificant to me, too.

“Serena. That’s right.” He crossed his arms again and gave me a long, no-nonsense stare. “I’ve never believed for one fucking second that you were actually with her, man.”

I shrugged, refusing to answer that one way or another. He could think whatever he wanted. It wouldn’t change a thing.

“Were you?” he asked. “Because you kept claiming that you’d slept with her and cheated on Raisa, but it never seemed like you and Serena were even together enough to make that story work.”

“You know what?” I set my glass down. “I don’t want to talk about it anymore.”

“You haven’t wanted to talk about it for almost eight years.”

So? “You said I have two options, huh?” I retreated a step and rubbed the back of my neck. Tension had set in there. The longer my cousin tried to prompt me to talk about the darkest days of my life, the more I felt claustrophobic and trapped. Stuck. And slowly dying.

That was how visceral missing Raisa was.

My soul was crushed and pulverized to dust every second she was on my mind.

No, I wasn’t proud of how I’d walked away from her.

But I had.

And I was forced to live with those circumstances.

“I guess it looks like I’m going with option one then. Lonely, miserable, and a drag.”

“No.” Alexsei chased after me, wincing with regret. “Don’t go.”

I held my hands up. “I can’t stand to be here right now.”

“Ivan. Stop. You can’t run from every conversation about her. And you can’t deflect every time someone asks you about why you gave Raisa up for Serena. I never believed that story and—”

“Then don’t believe it.” He shouldn’t, anyway.

Because it was a lie. Serena never could’ve replaced Raisa.

No woman ever could’ve stood in for my true love.

But that was the act I’d needed to put on when I saw how clearly Raisa and I couldn’t be a happy couple in love forever, like Luka and Gabriella were now.

One more glance at them with baby Andre was like a knife to the heart.

Their love was palpable.

Their fondness and respect for each other was unmissable as they sat together and smiled and laughed at Andre.

Fuck. I have to get out of here.

It was getting to be too much, witnessing love and knowing I’d never have it again.

As I turned to leave, walking away from the party and celebration, I realized that I seriously needed time away to better reflect on how I’d lost the only woman I’d ever wanted from the depths of my soul. How to get over the loss of the only woman I’d ever want.

Raisa.

The woman I’d forced to hate me.

No matter where she was, I knew that would be the constant I could expect.

Raisa would never forgive me for how I’d left her.

And I wouldn’t forgive myself, either.