Chapter 7
IVAN
For three days, I stuck with Emil as he traveled through the area. His destination was to check out a house in Milan. Having a place to wind up at was smart. It served a better purpose than what I had in mind.
Leaving New York and putting some distance between myself and the overly happy family vibe back at Luka’s fortress was what I wanted.
But that was an ambiguous goal. Wandering aimlessly in another location wasn’t going to change my mind about Raisa.
Nothing would trigger me to give up on her and magically let go of the memories that bound me to her and the longing that kept me captive to her.
I vowed to give her my heart long ago.
And I’d never forgotten how fulfilling it felt to have that honor. For her to gaze at me with her gorgeous blue eyes and let me know that I had her just the same, in heart, mind, and soul.
“You need to get laid,” Emil quipped as we walked back inside the house he was considering. We’d toured the outside, but in the huge villa again, he seemed unimpressed.
“No, I do not,” I replied dryly.
I’d tried that, years ago. Going celibate wasn’t a better replacement to having Raisa in my life, and I’d attempted to fuck my way out of missing her. That was easier said than done when I couldn’t even get hard enough to enjoy another woman.
Like alcohol, a petty fling with a stranger wouldn’t fix anything.
“Well, I’m getting sick of your moping and looking all miserable like this.
” He shrugged, sticking his hands in his pockets as we walked through the spacious great room.
His gaze roved the place lazily, but I could tell he wasn’t going to make an offer on this property.
While he could call me out on looking miserable—and I was—I could pinpoint when he was bored.
“I get it,” he continued. “You needed to get away for a little bit. My father and Gabriella are the very picture of what you could’ve had with Raisa all this time.
If she hadn’t been born Konstantin’s daughter, she would’ve been with you all along.
Misha could’ve been growing up alongside a cousin. ”
“Tell me something I don’t fucking know already,” I replied dryly.
“Okay. I will.” He shrugged, keeping his hands in his pockets. “Talk to Luka.”
I shook my head. “It wouldn’t change anything.”
“Maybe it fucking would. Konstantin could be dead, for all we know.”
“But he also might not be.” The moment word spread that the leader of the Petrov faction had been killed, I perked up and wondered if that was the final obstacle removed from my happiness with Raisa. “I looked into it.”
“What, three of four years ago now, right?”
I nodded. “Four years ago was when the rumors first spread. No matter who I tasked with looking into it, no one could conclude whether he was still alive or not.”
“If he is, he’s hiding.”
“Or living under another alias.” Either one of those possibilities would still put Raisa in danger. I was a source of danger for her. The depths of this forbidden love we’d found had no ends. I would forever be a Dubinin and she was born a Petrov. And that was the end of the story of our affair.
It didn’t matter how we looked at this. I’d dealt with these memories and whimsical what-ifs about Raisa for years. Nothing could be twisted to make her want me again, not with the extremes I’d gone to just to keep her safe.
Dragging up the past hadn’t been part of the plans of coming here. As we left the house to return to where we were staying, I realized there wasn’t even a plan to begin with.
Missing Raisa would just be a cancer for me to endure, a slowly festering darkness that remade the chemistry of my brain and reshaped my attitude on life.
So just give it up.
Go home.
Do your job.
Stay busy with whatever can keep your mind off her for a little bit.
It wouldn’t be easy to resist the jealousy when I saw Alexsei with Misha, or Luka and Gabriella with baby Andre.
But I would. It wouldn’t do any of us good if I let this bitterness become my entire identity.
I’d walked away from Raisa and ensured she wouldn’t pursue me.
I stood by my choices then, just to keep her safe from her father’s wrath.
And I would have to get used to this loneliness being the way the rest of my life would go.
Even though we were still in Italy, Emil and I checked in with what was going on back home.
The next day, we were busy with video calls and following up with what we’d been dealing with last. Work never ended for us.
Deals, negotiations, investigations, and reviews were always there to claim our attention.
I was glad for it, but it wasn’t only me who figured this little trip was over with.
“I’m going to fly back tomorrow,” Emil announced the following day.
Mixing business with pleasure wasn’t impossible, but it seemed like he wasn’t getting much fun out of this slight change of scenery either.
For someone who flew around the world often, he had to be experiencing a new sense of restlessness to stay put for a full week.
I never understood why he enjoyed being on the go this much, but I bet it had something to do with his adventurous and rebellious spirit, like the whole world existed just for him to explore.
To find some other new flashy thing to experience, whether it be a harder hit to handle or a new location to see.
Or more women to fuck.
Sometimes, I envied how loose and uncommitted he was.
But just as quickly as I’d been jealous of his lack of attachments, I knew I’d be a sorry man to have never met and loved Raisa like I had. Those four months we shared would stay with me until I died.
“Me too.” I sighed, setting my phone on the table in the large lounge of our suite.
“Already?” He arched one brow.
I shrugged before slumping back against the cushions of the sofa. “May as well. I wanted a change of scenery, but that’s not going to make anything better.”
“A change of scenery won’t do fucking shit.” Emil shook his head as he turned to leave the room, presumably to start packing. “The only thing that would make this better,” he called out over his shoulder, “is if you go find her or give up on her.”
His ideas were the same as what Alexsei advised. Those options still seemed impossible to pull off, though. So, in a truly dejected manner, I ignored making a decision one way or another and got up to pack and leave.
Hours later, we were done with the rental we’d chosen for the few days we were in Italy.
Luka’s private jet wasn’t available for us at the time, since we were coming back sooner than anticipated.
Still, first-class seats weren’t shabby.
I looked forward to sleeping on the flight.
Hopefully, the lull of the plane in the air would coax me to relax.
Emil didn’t seem likely to engage in a lengthy conversation with me about Raisa again.
We’d talked it out plenty, now. He acted like he was content to have said his piece and would leave the topic as dealt with.
On the way to the airport, he was preoccupied with his phone, scrolling and seeming to check texts.
I never knew all of what my cousin was up to.
He was the assassin, the deadly killer. Alexsei had really fallen into his protective services role.
And I was the expert for negotiations and seeking a better deal.
At least, I was with anything other than my personal life.
We all helped and came together as a team when we needed to.
Many men were delegated to be our on “teams” or “crews”, but we were always one family, working together, even if we were expected to head up different needs for the organization’s success.
For the most part, with that structure, we largely stayed out of each other’s way.
I couldn’t help but wonder what Emil had going on, though. Asking wouldn’t be wise. Confidential conversations about potential hits he had on his list couldn’t happen in the busy Italian airport. Nor on the flight, since it wasn’t a Dubinin-owned aircraft.
Yet, as we made our way through the airport, I knew something was up.
If not on his phone, then something here.
Someone or something was capturing his interest. He wasn’t obvious about it.
But this was Emil. My closest cousin. We’d grown up together, close in age, like brothers rather than cousins.
My parents had been killed when I was an infant and Luka raised me like I was Emil’s brother. I knew him, and I knew how to read him.
“Need anything?” I asked as we strolled through the long stretch of the terminals to reach ours.
“Hmm?” He raised his brows, almost as if he’d dismissed me and wasn’t traveling with me.
“What’s going on?” I gave him a stern enough look that he wouldn’t hedge. If something was up, he’d let me know if it was something to address together or a non-issue.
“Nothing.” He shrugged, almost smiling as he looked ahead. “Just a pesky agent trying to follow me.”
Well, fuck me.
I really was in a funk. I hadn’t noticed anything, but then again, I wasn’t looking for trouble, either.
No matter where we went in the world, enemies would lurk.
That was a given. We hadn’t brought any men with us here because this was supposed to be “personal” time and a trip for just ourselves.
Otherwise, if we were vacationing while doing business, backup would be a necessity, even an expectation for how high up we were in the Dubinin Family.
“You sure?” I knew better than to look around and be obvious about a concern of someone tailing us.
“Yeah. I’ve seen this particular agent before.” Now he was grinning. Almost as if he enjoyed the challenge.
I rolled my eyes. This guy. He was the ultimate adrenaline junkie. “How easily you are amused…”
He turned and faced me with a smirk. “I don’t know if I would admit to being amused, but I am intrigued how long the hunt will last this time.”
Spinning around to try to sleuth out which of the many other people near us at the airport could be this agent would be a fruitless search.
It didn’t matter, anyway. He’d handle this agent.
The same as he dealt with anyone else from the law enforcement side of life, he would take care of any pending trouble.
We weren’t on the same side as the traditional agents and officers of the law, and that usually worked well.
While they could govern and police the general public and common society, we handled our version of law and order.
Whoever this agent was, they’d be in for a hell of a headache trying to capture Emil—or any other Dubinin.
But only Emil would get a kick out of the fact that an agent was on his tail right now.
“This one’s been trying—and failing—to stalk me all over Europe, through DC and in the city…” He chuckled, shaking his head. “Maybe it’s time to have a little fun.”
“Fun?” I’d leave him to it. I was too stuck in my head about Raisa and this low-burning need to focus on my job to screw around with whatever shenanigans Emil had in mind right now.
“Yeah. I think I’ll turn the tables on this agent. Have some fun out of letting them see what it’s like to be hunted, not the hunter.”
I sighed, almost wishing I could be that lax and carefree to find a sudden interest in something different. Instead, I was rooted in this desire to go back, to go back in time to when I was with Raisa and our lives were still in sync.
“I’ll catch up with you at my father’s place later.” Backpedaling from me with a wide grin, he shrugged one shoulder, both hands in his pockets like this was just another ordinary day.
“What are you doing?”
“A little… detour to throw them off.”
I huffed a wry laugh, watching him go. I’d leave him to his detours and “fun”. No diversions or excitement like that would help drag me out of this misery of missing my love.
I focused on getting on the plane and flying back home to work. At this rate, that was all I’d ever have to live for again.