Chapter 28 Raisa
RAISA
Dinner was tense.
I recalled this somber mood when I was a child. Whenever my father would be mad about a fight or pissy that his soldiers were harmed, he’d sulk and lash out at anyone who dared to speak up.
It wasn’t like that. Thanks to Misha, we had a running commentary about what would make the indoor pool Luka had put in even better. Lev piped up, too, never wanting to be left out of this friendship with Misha.
But all of us adults were quiet. We glanced at each other not quite in solidarity, but more like checking in. Gabriella seemed to watch me. Alexsei looked wary.
Luka was fine, or he was really good at acting like it. He made the most effort to be engaged with Misha and Lev.
Like this, I saw a different side to the leader. And I dared to hope that maybe, just maybe, he wasn’t exactly like my father. Perhaps after this scare, he would be more willing to officially welcome me to the family.
Because it wasn’t my father who orchestrated today.
If my father was alive and he had been the one to hire those men to rush into the school like that just to prevent another shift of power, I never would’ve been looked at the same again.
Because I shared his surname, I’d always carry the stain of all he wanted and did.
I wasn’t my father, but I was stuck being my father’s daughter.
The only silver lining I saw in this experience was that I wasn’t literally stuck in the middle of a power struggle between two Mafia bosses.
After dinner, I took Lev to our room. When Ivan moved us next to his room, I had mixed feelings about being closer to the man I was so tempted to desire.
Now, it just made sense. He was patient and giving me the space all this time, and I had to admit it was just what I needed.
I needed him.
I helped Lev get ready for bed, knowing already that he and Misha would be playing tomorrow. The school wouldn’t be open tomorrow, not for the private tutoring students like Lev. But I prayed with all my heart that he wouldn’t mask any fear or trauma because of this.
“Mama?” he asked once I had him bathed, dressed, and tucked in bed. A wide yawn crossed his face.
“Hmm?”
“I told Daddy that you love him.”
Oh, my sweet boy.
“Do you?”
I smiled. “Well, I suppose I must if you declared it to be true.”
He gave me a sleepy smile. “I love him. Not like I love you. But I love Daddy, too.”
I nodded. “I was hoping you might.”
“But you aren’t like Mr. Luka and Gabriella.”
I sighed. We once were. “Like what?”
“In love?” he guessed, scrunching his face before yawning again. I expected him to be extra tired after the chaos of the day.
Yeah, we were once in love like that. I shrugged before leaning down to kiss his forehead again. “Maybe one day, we will be together again.”
Now a real smile lifted his lips. He closed his eyes and relaxed, as if he wanted to fall asleep with that thought on his mind.
I sat in the chair in his room until he dozed off. I, too, was tired, but I was also riled up and eager for Ivan to return.
When he did, I had just stepped out of Lev’s room. He entered my room and stopped short. Breathing in deeply, he seemed to soak in the sight of me. “Honey, I’m home,” he drawled sarcastically.
I smirked. “Funny.”
Instead of asking how it went or if he’d killed the men who'd targeted our son, I raised my brows and waited to see what he’d say.
“Is he asleep?”
I nodded.
“I figured. He had to be so tired from the adrenaline crash.”
“Yeah. He was sleepy all evening.” I licked my lips, wishing we were a normal couple who didn’t simply skirt around the seriousness of what he’d gone out to do tonight. But then, this was our normal. This was the life I hadn’t wanted Lev to go through, but here we were.
It is what it is, Raisa. It is what it is.
I sighed, hating that I was stuck debating whether I could approach him.
“Luka is waiting for me.”
I let my shoulders sag with a sigh. “So was I.”
He gave me a sad look. “I know. But Luka is expecting me to answer him about how it went.”
I shrugged one shoulder before hugging myself. “Yeah, me too.”
“Raisa…” He took one step toward me.
“Go. Go on.” I shooed him with a dismissive wave. “I know. You’ve got to report to him. He’s the boss. I know. I know.”
“I will be back in a little bit.”
That’s becoming your new catchphrase. Be back soon. I rolled my eyes as he came close to kiss me, then backed up and left before it could get too heated.
Knowing Lev would be safe, I took the monitor that Gabriella offered me last week. It was an extra that she didn’t use when Andre was born, and I appreciated the means of checking on my son. He wasn’t a baby. But if anything happened and he was looking for me, I wanted to know.
As I closed the door to our suite, I stayed as quiet as possible.
Planning to go to the balcony and enjoy the mild night while I waited for Ivan to talk to Luka, I was surprised to see Alexsei and Emil heading the same way.
They walked down the wide corridor that met my end, and from the point at the top of the double staircase that led downstairs, we all merged to move toward the balcony in the other way instead.
Seeing Ivan’s cousins walking down the hallway bothered me even more. Neither of them had a woman in their lives. Emil and Alexsei were both single, without a girlfriend or wife to come home to. Yet, here they were, just walking along, not under any urgent pressure to report to Luka immediately.
I tried my hardest not to be irritated that Ivan would never be mine. He would always choose his family over me. He would always prioritize talking with and checking in with his uncle before me. Always Luka’s loyal soldier. Never just my man.
Stop it. I shook my head. It is what it is, Raisa. Stop these thoughts. He is a strong, loyal man who might just want to do the right thing. And that’s good of him.
I felt guilty to complain at all, even in my head, because he was a good man. He did protect our son. And I knew that if anything were to happen again, he wouldn’t hesitate to step up to the challenge and protect Lev again.
“What’s that long face for?” Emil asked as we approached. “Is Lev having a rough night after what happened earlier?”
It was sweet of him to be worried. And I wasn’t offended that he wasn’t checking up on me. He knew this couldn’t be anything foreign or unfamiliar for me.
“Nothing,” I replied, hating how selfish I felt about wanting Ivan to pick me over his duties. Because he had gone out tonight to defend not just Ivan but also his family. He sought out a mole who threatened the Dubinin power, not only our son.
“Where are you headed?” Alexsei asked.
“I figured I would get a breath of fresh air. Lev just fell asleep.”
I didn’t need to explain myself or justify my actions to them. But that wasn’t even what this felt like. These two men were becoming more like family than any man in the Petrov family ever had been.
“But Ivan’s back,” Alexsei said, frowning.
I smirked. “Yes, he is back and reporting to your uncle just like he should. Because he’ll always be a soldier before allowing himself to be anything else to anyone else.”
“Come on, Raisa,” Emil teased with that smiling expression that was his signature grin. “Are you jealous that my father takes up too much of his time?”
I rolled my eyes, declining an answer as they joined me, walking with me.
“Because you should know that you’ve taken up way more time than anyone else in his life,” Alexsei said, matter-of-fact.
I frowned at him, not understanding. “No, I haven’t. Ivan and I were together for four months when I was supposed to be traveling and studying for university. And then he was gone.”
Both men made a dubious face, like I was hilarious for saying that. Somehow, if it wasn’t supposed to be funny, they seemed to think I was incorrect.
“No,” Alexsei said. “That’s how you can interpret it. He had four months with you and then you were gone.”
He had it backward. Ivan left me first. I didn’t want to rehash it and go over the details about that breakup, though. It had been discussed too many times with too many people. At this point, I just wanted to move forward.
“I bet that Ivan hasn’t really explained it yet, but you were it for him. There was no one else in his life.” Alexsei raised his brows, as if daring me not to believe it.
We reached the balcony, and they both waited until I sat in a chair before they took a couple of chairs for themselves.
“If you’re trying to tell me that he didn’t date anyone or sleep with anyone for eight years…” I shook my head. He was too hot to be celibate.
“That is exactly what we’re telling you,” Emil said.
“We tried to set him up with people, and I saw him trying to move on after you. But he just couldn’t,” Alexsei said.
Emil leaned in like he was ready to whisper to me, sharing a big, juicy secret. “He might want to kill me for telling you this, but just so you know, he couldn’t even get it up.”
I covered my mouth with my hand in a lousy attempt to hide my smile. That was music to my ears. I was that possessive of him. Even if it was selfish of me, it was a beautiful thing to hear.
“I don’t think he could even remember that night. But one time, we were drinking and he was wasted, I don’t know, maybe five years ago. And he admitted that he just couldn’t get hard for any other woman. But when he thought of you, he had no problem—”
Alexsei shoved his shoulder. “Okay, yeah. He will kill you if he knows that you’re about to tell her that he masturbated to the memory of her. That’s crossing a line.”
Emil cracked up. “Fuck. You just told her, not me.”
I couldn’t help but laugh a little. “Well, I’m no better. Because after him, I had no one.”
“No one at all? No dates? No boyfriends?” Emil asked.
I shook my head. “No one. I was too busy learning how to be a mom and raising Lev. Too busy looking over my shoulder and worrying that somebody from my father’s family would come after me if they found out about Lev.”
Alexsei furrowed his brow. “You really don’t have any ties with them, huh? They’re your father’s family, not yours?”
I nodded. “Lev is my family.” I was starting to feel like these two men could be a part of a new family, too. Even Gabriella. And Misha. But all of that was contingent on whether Ivan would want to make me a Dubinin with him.
I supposed that was up to Luka to decide, too.
“I know it has to be hard,” Alexsei said. “I wasn’t married for long, but I remember how often my wife and I argued about my being away for work and at Luca’s beck and call. And my wife was always wishing I was home with her and Misha more.”
He really was the only one who could talk from experience about this.
He’d been married and lost his love. I wanted to get my head out of my ass and get over this grudge I couldn’t let go of for when Ivan made me think he had strayed and cheated.
I had lost Ivan once, but we had a second chance if I could go for it.
I would be a fool if I didn’t take it.
“And I wouldn’t be shocked if after this, Ivan asked my father if he could step back from his duties. To make up for lost time with you,” Emil said.
We were silent for a while, but as we sat in peace, too many questions came to the surface in my mind. I couldn’t keep quiet much longer.
“Look,” I said, leaning forward. “I don’t want to complain or sound ungrateful. I am extremely grateful for how things ended today, with everyone being unharmed. And I appreciate and respect how Ivan didn’t hesitate to go after those who set this up.”
Even if he might have been motivated to do so for his uncle, not just me.
“And I understand that he’ll need to report to his boss. I assume that when he’s done talking to Luka, he’ll talk to me and fill me in on the important stuff.”
“Hey, if you’ve got a strong enough stomach,” Emil said, “I can show you a video of what went down.”
I held up my hand as Alexsei shot him a look to shut up.
“But one question is bothering me too much to sit still and wait. I can’t be patient about this.”
They both looked at me expectantly, as if urging me to spit it out already. So they could answer.
This openness with them was still so new to me. All my life, my father was the ruler and he didn’t feel like he had to tell me anything. Women were treated differently in Luka’s house, and I had to respect that.
“Did the men, or whoever they were, tell you if my father is dead?” I grimaced, suspended with impatience to know that one fact. If my father was still out there, hiding as a potential threat to my life and my son’s life, I had to know and be prepared.
If my father lived, that also meant that Luka and Ivan and all the other Dubinin men would have to face him. And that wasn’t something simple like an ordinary hit. That was one Bratva boss demanding that another Bratva boss be killed. I didn’t want to literally be in the middle of a war.
“They wouldn’t say,” Emil answered, almost sadly as if he regretted he couldn’t tell me what I wished to be true.
“Dammit,” I muttered.
“But if he’s alive,” Alexsei reminded me, “Ivan will protect you. We all will.”
I smiled the best I could, touched that they’d care. But more so, I tried on the idea of Ivan loving me enough to go to war for me. I imagined that it was true, that he’d been loving me all along but just staying away because of the threat my father posed.
I was no better off. I’d done the same. And it prompted me to want to take the risk and admit I loved him back, that I’d pledge to stand with him no matter the danger heading our way.