15. Chapter Fourteen
Chapter Fourteen
Foster
Part of me questioned my sanity as I rose and held my hand out to Arnav. Questioned the wisdom of inviting a man I’d only known for four days to my bed. Loneliness alone didn’t explain my bold move. Neither did horniness. After I just word vomited my life before him, I hardly felt like getting it on .
So why was I doing this? What did I hope to gain from it?
Tenderness.
I wanted him to hold me. To be gentle with me. And sure, I could’ve just asked for a snuggle. His hugs weren’t fatherly in the same way as PJ’s, but they felt damn nice. Even though Arnav wasn’t the type of guy I usually was attracted to. I liked men who were big and burly, but he had hidden strength in his slender body that I thought I could count on.
Arnav gasped my hand and rose.
I dithered, suddenly unsure. “Do you need to check the street? I suppose we would’ve heard the plow.” Except I’d been so far gone into the past, I wasn’t convinced I would have.
“Unless you’re in a rush to kick me out, I don’t care if the snowplow has come or not.”
“Don’t you have someone to get home to?”
He cocked his head.
“You had someone you had to text last night.”
His face relaxed with the frown line easing. “There’s no one expecting me.”
Which wasn’t the same as saying he didn’t have anyone to go home to, but I’d take his comment at face value. He’d said he wasn’t in a relationship. If he was, though, then why had he gone to Kink? Hooked up with me at Quinton’s? Unless he had a partner who didn’t have the same proclivities… You’re being paranoid. You need to trust him. Trust yourself. Believe that —
“Stop.”
I frowned. I hadn’t actually been moving.
“Whatever you’re thinking, you can just stop.” Arnav moved closer, pressing a thumb to the spot between my eyebrows. “There isn’t anyone else. I’m not built like that—and neither are you, I suspect.”
“I’m not.” Here I could quickly reassure. “I was faithful to—”
He moved his finger to my lips. “I believe you. Would have known it even if you hadn’t said anything. I’m just glad you decided to take a one-night stand chance on me at Quinton’s. I imagine that’s not like you either.”
I kissed his finger.
He moved it away.
I grinned. “Okay, like easiest answer ever. You were fucking hot. Like, sinfully hot. And I figured I wasn’t likely to get the chance to get lucky again anytime soon. I still hadn’t found the courage to go to Kink, and if I dated someone, then explaining about…you know…”
He nodded.
“Right. So a hookup felt…safe.”
“And yet might not have been.”
I considered. “True. But I wasn’t doing anything without a condom, I have a good thirty pounds on you and, no offense, way more muscle—”
“No offense taken, I assure you.” He grinned.
“And like thirty people below. Any one of whom would likely come running to my rescue.”
“Not that you would’ve needed it.”
“From you? No. I guess I just sensed you were a good person. And hell, I’d missed sex. It’d been a fucking long time and here was this hot guy just offering it. And yeah, I figured why not?”
“But then you ran.” His dark-brown eyes pierced my soul.
“Because I panicked.”
“Because you panicked.” He repeated the words, as if testing them out. Seeing how they fit into the narrative he’d created for us.
“Not just because I worried Quinton might find us—although that was in my mind—but because I enjoyed myself and…” I swallowed. “I almost didn’t remember what that was like. To be with someone without the weight of expectations. To just be in the moment and not worry about anything.”
“I wish you’d stayed.” He caressed my cheek.
“But if I had, I probably wouldn’t have had the courage to tell you about my…desires.”
He frowned. “I’d like to think that, in time, you would’ve found the courage.”
I shook my head. “I found the courage with—”
Arnav winced.
“—the other guy.”
His expression lightened as he chuckled.
I didn’t get the feeling he didn’t want me to mention Howard because he was jealous or anything. More he saw the pain I endured when I brought up the past. “It didn’t end well.” Hadn’t begun all that well either. Once I’d told my ex about my desire to be a pup sometimes, something clearly shifted in our relationship. He’d humored me, but clearly had lost all respect. Not that he’d had much to begin with. Despite the fact he was a big guy, I was the muscle in the relationship while he was the brains. Never mind that I’d been to college or had been working for ten years. None of that meant anything to him. He liked being fucked while also dominating. He wasn’t even a bossy bottom—he was a Top who liked taking it up the ass. To him—and to me—no contradiction existed.
We’d fit until we hadn’t.
“I think…” Arnav continued to stroke my cheek. “Have you ever talked to someone about this?”
“I’m talking to you.” He seemed like a swift guy, but his question had me hesitating.
“No.” His nose twitched.
Is he going to sneeze? Is he allergic to something in my house? He said seasonal allergies, but what it there’s something here that’s making him sneeze.
Yet he didn’t sneeze. “I meant a counselor. Someone who can help you work through some of this.”
“I’m fine.” I might’ve snapped that.
He held my gaze. “Maybe that’s true. But you’ve had a lot happen to you—”
“That was years ago.” Please don’t bring up the fact I was crying, like, five minutes ago .
After a long moment, he sighed. “Maybe this wasn’t the best time to bring it up.”
I squinted. “There’s a good time to say to someone that they need to see a therapist?”
He chuckled. “Okay, fair point. We were headed in one direction, and I derailed us.”
“Because the idea was on your mind.”
“Because the idea was on my mind.” Again, he caressed my cheek.
No matter how annoyed with him I might think I was—and knowing I wasn’t—I couldn’t stay annoyed when he petted me. “A therapist?”
“I can refer you to someone up at Healing Horses Ranch.” Before I could speak, he continued. “They offer equine and canine therapy.”
My ears perked. “Dogs?”
He smiled. “They have two dogs. One is an official therapy dog, and the other is just…a companion. I have a client who is a therapist up there. Or there are several others.” He held up his hand. “I’m not saying you need serious psychological counseling. Well, maybe you do. Who am I to judge? I just think a session or two talking to someone might help. I know if I was ever struggling, I’d go.”
“You don’t seem like the type who’s ever struggled.”
“I’ve been lucky. Someone can put on a good front and, to the outside, they look like they’ve got their shit together. Meanwhile, on the inside, they’re stressed.”
He had a point. About people putting on a good front. “One of my guys needed help. I watched him getting worse and worse, and I finally had a talk with him. His kid had been diagnosed with cancer, and he couldn’t afford to miss work because the family needed the income and he needed his private insurance. I convinced him to talk to the counselor. You’re right—it made a difference.” I scratched my chin. I liked to be clean-shaven, but I hadn’t bothered this morning. In too much of a hurry and not wanting to miss out on a single moment with Arnav. “Okay, I’ll think about it.”
He took my cheeks in his hands and placed a gentle kiss to my lips.
I wanted to resent the kiss. Like he was rewarding me for agreeing to something I should’ve been open to anyway. Except when he pressed his lips to mine again, he applied way more pressure, and heat built inside me. And so I opened to him. I let him lead the kiss, sinking into the pleasure as he devoured me.
He thrust his tongue into my mouth and demanded surrender. He plundered. He insisted. He commanded and showed no mercy as he pressed himself against me.
Thoughts of therapists and dog counselors and horses fled as I surrendered to the wonderful feeling strumming through my veins. Need. Desire. Only today, I wasn’t offering myself up as an obligation. I didn’t feel like I had to give in. I gave in because I wanted to.
He was the first to pull back, his labored coffee-scented breath against my cheek. “As much as I want to say fuck it, the couch is good enough , I want to treat you properly. To me, that means showing you reverence in a proper bed.”
Reverence . That word meant something. It meant he treasured me. He considered me worthy of something good in life. I was more than just a quick fuck on the closest surface.
And that meant everything.
I offered my hand.
He accepted.
I guided him back up the narrow, creaky staircase to my bedroom. I’d opened the curtains, so the winter light filled the room. To me, snow dampened things. It dampened noise. It dampened light. It dampened pain. Pain I wasn’t willing to examine too closely at the moment.
Again, he pulled me into his arms. “This is more like it.” He pressed his lips to mine.
On instinct, I opened for him. This time, he pulled me flush against him, letting me feel his erection against my hip.
Okay, that’s more like it. The rest of the world could just fuck off as far as I was concerned. And I was incredibly grateful I’d driven over to Abbotsford on Friday night, after we’d decided he would come here last night. To pick up supplies. I hadn’t actually believed I’d need them—but I also wasn’t going to be caught without them. I could’ve gone to a pharmacy in Mission City, but I still wanted anonymity. Who knew at forty-five I’d be embarrassed to be seen buying condoms? Lube, I kept a supply of.
“Foster?”
“Yeah?”
Arnav pulled back. “What are you thinking?”
“That I’m glad I bought condoms on Friday night?”
He laughed. “And here I was, worried you were having second thoughts.”
I angled my body so my erection brushed his. “We’re going to finish what we started on Halloween.”
“Oh, I like the sound of that.” He snagged the hem of my henley. “You mind?”
In response, I raised my arms.
He yanked the shirt over my head.
I patted my head, as if to push down the hair that was no longer there.
He grinned. And indicated I reciprocate with his shirt.
Which I happily obliged.
His nipples pebbled in the cold air.
“Do you want me to turn up the heat?”
“No way. We’re going to be generating plenty of our own shortly.”
“I like the sound of that.” I caught the waist of his pants and undid the button.
Our gazes met.
He nodded.
I unbuttoned it, then lowered the zipper. I kept right on going, pulling his pants down.
Obligingly, he stepped out of them.
I lowered myself to my knees. When faced with his crotch, I grasped his boxer briefs and gently tugged them down, mindful of his straining erection. His cock sprang free, and I grasped the base. Much as I had a month ago, I angled myself to take him in my mouth.
He moaned.
I licked around the crown, slowly pulling him farther into my mouth. He tasted heavenly—his scent achingly familiar. I’d thought about him every night in the past month and the reality was so much better than the memory. I hollowed my cheeks and sucked as hard as I could. I tongued his slit. I raked my teeth gently down his length. I reveled when his breathing hitched.
Keeping up the steady rhythm, I grasped his balls in my hands. This was something I enjoyed, and I figured I’d try it on him.
He surged, flexing his pelvis and thrusting his cock farther down my throat.
I nearly gagged. Undaunted, I pulled back far enough to continue my assault. I want to make this good for you —
“I’m going to come.”
Well, good. I sucked harder.
He came.
With pleasure, I swallowed. He tasted good and, just as importantly, I wanted him to see how much I treasured this. I gazed up.
He pressed a hand to my cheek, even as he swayed.
I popped off and offered him a sheepish smile.
“I hadn’t forgotten how fucking good you are at that.”
My heart soared. Arnav wasn’t someone who said something he didn’t mean. He spoke candidly. He might sometimes couch things in softer language, but he was a straight shooter.
“You’re going to fuck me now…right?” His dark-brown eyes glinted with humor.
“Oh, definitely.”
I took the hand he offered and let him pull me up. And I ignored the shot of pain through my left knee.
He met my gaze. Then he lowered his hands to the button of my jeans.
I nodded.
He reciprocated by unbuttoning them and lowering the zipper. Then he snagged the waistband of my jeans and my briefs and pulled them both down at the same time, dropping to one knee so he could guide my feet.
I rested my hand on his shoulder as I stepped out of my clothes. Where I expected him to stand, though, he kept kneeling and grasped the base of my shaft. He gave me no chance to think as he sucked me into his mouth. Oh holy fuck . The unexpected wet warmth around my cock rocketed a full body shiver through me. This was a nearly new sensation. Howard had never gone down on me. Not once in ten years. A few guys in fumbling encounters in my twenties—but none worth remembering.
No way was I ever going to forget Arnav. His talented tongue reciprocated much of what I’d given. Swirling. Spearing my slit. His silky tongue against my sensitized skin. And then he used just a little bit of teeth, and I nearly came apart.
I tapped his shoulder. “Stop.”
Immediately, he pulled off and gazed up. “Are you okay?”
Okay? I’m about to lose my ever-loving mind . “I want to come inside you.”
He arched an eyebrow. “I thought you were about to.”
I burst out laughing. “That’s fair. I meant in your ass.”
Licking his lips, he offered up a lascivious smile. “Oh, I want that too. We aren’t in a rush, are we?”
“Uh.” I swallowed. “Refractory periods are a thing, I’m afraid.”
For a moment, my words hung in the air. “Oh.”
“Yeah, I’m not eighteen anymore.”
“Well, I’m not either.” He tried to look offended. And failed miserably.
“There’s a difference between twenty-nine and forty-five. At least I’ve found there is.” I pointed to his already burgeoning erection. “That wouldn’t happen to me. Not nearly that fast.” Maybe not ever. Howard had been a one-and-done guy. Once we’d fucked, he’d go to sleep, and that was the end of it. No matter how much more I wanted. How much more I craved—he never indulged me. He’d scoff at my neediness, turn his back, and be snoring within minutes.
Arnav held my gaze. “Another time, though, right? Because I only got the smallest of tastes, and I definitely want more. Promise me?”
And because I could deny him nothing, I smiled. “I promise.” I ran my hand through his silky black hair. “Now, we’re both naked, and there’s a perfectly good bed. Care to make use of it?”
He grinned. “You don’t have to ask twice.”