19. Chapter Eighteen
Chapter Eighteen
Foster
As I sat on the couch in Justin Bridges’s office, a calm settled over me. Tiffany, the yellow lab, sat by my legs. She’d greeted me with great enthusiasm when I arrived. And had stuck to my side as Rainbow had given me a tour of the facilities. The ranch looked wonderful—with the barn, stables, riding ring, and forest just behind. I wanted to come back in the daylight to get a full sense of the place.
Justin’s office was a bright yellow. Soothing. He was soothing as well. The bearded ginger was pretty solidly built as well. And had the most amazing smile. Despite myself, I felt at ease.
“You said on your form that you want to talk about your childhood.” Justin smiled. “That’s absolutely fine. I just want to get a quick understanding of where you are and why you’ve decided now would be a good time to dig into your past.”
“Are you thinking I shouldn’t?”
“No, far from it. We’re here to do whatever works for you. If you want to dive straight into your past, that’s not a problem. I was more hoping to get a sense of what your goals are for coming here.” He sipped from his mug of tea.
I gripped a bottle of water Rainbow had given me. “I guess… Well, I’ve met someone. And that’s brought all kinds of stuff up. Because he’s a great guy, and I want to be the best person I can with him.” I rubbed my eyes with my hand. “I kind of broke down, and he gently suggested Healing Horses.”
“Oh.” Justin scratched his beard. “We always appreciate referrals.”
“Arnav Mehta.” I winced. “I’ve discovered that a whole pile of people know about the two of us. One dinner at Stavros’s and one night at Fifties and apparently, we’re the new it couple in Mission City.” Vivi, no less, had told me. She was friends with someone whose name I forgot but who was friends with Sarabeth from Fifties and wow, hadn’t it been sweet that Arnav had kissed me? Oh, and Vivi hadn’t known I was gay or bi or whatever, but that was awesome too, and her sister was a lesbian, and…
I was out. Quietly. Without much fanfare. And not one person on the site had said anything. We’d all just done our jobs.
Justin shifted. “I know Arnav. Quite well. He’s…a good man.”
“He’s the best.” I petted Tiffany’s head as she placed her chin on my knees. “We met at Club Kink.”
“I’m familiar with the club. I haven’t been there myself, but Kennedy has counseled several members over the years. I’m open to hearing about all kinds of lifestyles. Truly, I don’t judge. As you read, though, if I hear of a child being abused, I have to report that.”
I’d read the paperwork. And how if I was a danger to myself or others that he’d have to report that as well. I liked that he was watching out for people. That gave me comfort.
“No children. No abuse. Just…” I bit my lower lip. “Okay, this stays between us, right? You’ll never say anything?”
He nodded. “My relationship with Arnav is legal and professional. He and I say things that I wouldn’t share with you. Whatever’s said in this office stays here.”
“So Arnav and I met at Quinton’s Halloween party.”
Justin’s eyebrow arched. “My husband and I missed that. My daughter had a fever. She was fine by the next day, but there was no way we’d leave her with a babysitter.”
Which reassured me. “I, uh, hooked up with Arnav.”
“Okay.” He held my gaze with stunning sky-blue eyes that were clearly curious.
“Yeah, I…might’ve given him a blow job.” I pushed that out really fast. “In Quinton’s spare room, and then I heard someone in the hall, and I panicked, and I ran.” I gazed up at the stucco ceiling and noted the solid construction that I’d spotted in the main room carried through here. The room where I entered was two stories high, with wood beams and floor-to-ceiling windows that probably let in a ton of light during the day. Justin’s office also had big windows, and they looked out over the parking lot, and—
“Are you embarrassed about how you…hooked up?”
I blew out a breath, said a little prayer, and met his gaze. “I was. Truly. I’d had a couple of quick hookups in my twenties, but I was in the closet, so nothing ever came of them. I was in a serious relationship for all of my thirties. A clusterfuck we can unpack at some future time. I got dumped and had to start life all over again. With literally nothing. And I plodded along, never thinking about guys because I was so damn busy trying to get my feet under me. Then I met Quinton.”
Justin chuckled. “He’s…something.”
“He’s amazing.” I sighed. “He saw a lonely guy—quite possibly queer—and he invited that guy to a Halloween party. And that guy found the courage to go. And he met the most beautiful man, and…” I shrugged and sort of smiled. “I don’t know what happened. I don’t recognize the man who went upstairs with Arnav and gave him a blow job. Now, the man who ran away? Him, I recognize.”
“Do you still?”
I cocked my head.
“Are you still the man who ran? Are you comfortable being out of the closet?”
After a long moment, I shrugged. “I know he didn’t mean to out me. He didn’t know. And a simple peck on the cheek shouldn’t have caused the stir it did.” I considered. “But I also didn’t wipe my cheek and brush him off. I invited him to my house. Because of the snowstorm, his SUV was out front for more than a day. Any one of my neighbors could’ve seen it.”
Justin shifted. “I’m not certain you’ve answered my question.”
I sat a little straighter. “I don’t care. I’m forty-five fucking years old. Was in what amounted to an abusive relationship for ten years where I barely left the house, let alone the closet. Why should I keep hiding who I am? Who am I protecting? Myself? No, I’m not. By hiding who I am, I’m actually hurting myself. If people don’t like it, then that’s on them.”
He ran a hand over his mouth.
“I’m amusing you, aren’t I?” I wasn’t the least bit offended. “Oh, and sorry about the language.”
“I’ve heard that and much worse. We have several friends in common and, when little ears aren’t around to hear, I’d say curse words are pretty common.”
Figuring out who we knew in common would be interesting. I had so few friends. But he knew Quinton. And had he said something about Ravi and Maddox? They’d been at the party. Amazing how similar Justin and Maddox were in appearances. “Is it going to be a problem? That we know some of the same people?”
He shook his head. “No one needs to know you’re here. I’ll keep my distance if we wind up somewhere at the same time. Like a social event or just around town.”
“And maybe I won’t need too many sessions…”
“That’s entirely possible.”
My phone buzzed in my back pocket.
I winced. “Sorry, it might—”
He waved me off. “Life happens.”
Still, I was chagrinned as I yanked it out and quickly checked the screen.
—I know this is sudden, and I should probably ask in person…but my family wanted me to invite you to Christmas. I figured the more time you had to prepare, the better it would be. No pressure. I plan to see you lots before that. Uh…later. —
“Well, okay, then.”
Justin cocked his head.
I drew in a deep breath and let it out slowly. “Arnav just invited me to his family’s Christmas dinner. Isn’t it, like, soon?”
“Christmas is just over four weeks away—”
“I meant that we’ve only seen each other five times in total. Barely exchanged any texts.”
“Ah.” He offered a smile. “You can always say no .”
The phone in my hand felt like a dead weight. “I don’t know…”
“What’s your gut reaction?”
“Hell fucking yes.” I blinked. “That makes no sense, right? Just because he makes me feel good about myself. Just because he accepts I like to sleep in a dog bed and enjoy scritches as much as kisses. Just because we’ve had sex—I mean super great awesome sex—doesn’t mean I should meet his family…right?”
“I don’t normally talk about myself. That’s not a therapist’s role. But anyone in our circle can tell you that Stanley and I met Christmas Eve and were committed to each other by New Year’s Eve. Now, were there issues to work out? Certainly. Did we have someone else relying on us? Yep. That made it even more important that we not be impetuous. That we do things properly. Yet he made the decision to sell his place in Vancouver and move to Mission City in the blink of an eye. Not just for me, to be sure, but us getting together factored into it. I told my parents back east about him. And the reason we’d met.”
Which had me intensely curious, but that curiosity would have to go unsated because, yeah, none of my damn business. I could guess, given they had children, but I couldn’t be certain.
“Well, I don’t have family. So that’s a non-issue. He’s got six older sisters. I can’t even fathom that.”
“Are you worried about being judged?”
“Of course they’re going to judge me. He’s the baby of the family—he said so himself. That’s a lot of pressure on me. To be good enough for him.”
“There is another option.”
“What?”
“You know, they might love you. If they see the man I do—clearly compassionate, kind, and caring—then they might just think you’re good enough for their son and brother. And so what if they don’t? Arnav has clearly made his decision. And made his choice clear to his family. They’ve invited you. Also, you might ask to meet his parents first. Or one or two sisters. You don’t have to do the entire clan at once.”
“Or I can just bite the bullet.”
He laughed. “Not the analogy I would’ve chosen. That would be hard on your teeth. But I get what you’re saying. And you’re right—there’s something to be said about just going. Do you want to go?”
Slowly, I nodded. “Yeah, I do.”
“We have enough time to talk about your past, if you think that will still be helpful. Or I can help you prepare for your future.”
“Uh…both?”
“Absolutely.” He offered a wide grin. “Now, why don’t you tell me about your pup. Do you have a name?”
I blinked. “A dog name?”
He nodded. “Some pups choose special names. Some just use their own name. Entirely up to you.” He tilted his head. “I’m trying to say I’m glad you’ve found something that makes you happy. If Arnav accepts that part of you, it can be a special way for you two to connect.”
“He’s said he’ll be my Daddy. When we role play.”
“I think that’s a great idea. Daddies can make us feel safe. Can accept us for who we are. Help us reach our full potential.”
That sounded pie-in-the-sky to me.
But I’d take it and hold on tight.
“So let me tell you why I chose to be a pup.”
And we were off.