Chapter 23
And Break
RILEY
It’s almost a relief when it’s time to say goodbye for winter break.
Elias has been… different these past few weeks.
Touchier, needier, but not necessarily in a good way.
Sure he was cute as hell when I got my period, and played his part of doting boyfriend almost too well, but it’s like he knows this is ending soon and he doesn’t know what to do with himself.
Like everything he says and does is tentative, unsure, and not very Elias-like at all.
I miss the weird little goofball who made me laugh as often as he made me come.
Now I’m having more orgasms than ever — it seems like he’s made it his personal mission to mark me with as much of his cum as he possibly can, inside and out — but I’m hardly laughing at all.
Every simple interaction feels like it’s being had under a blanket of sadness.
And I feel it too, but this is ending soon. It has to, for both of our sakes.
Yet when I open the door and see him staring at the ground with his messy hair in his face, my heart stops. This might be the last time I ever see him standing there, happy or not.
I hate it.
“Hi,” I say lamely. “Do you want to come in?”
Eli nods, his lips finding my cheek as he passes me by, and for some reason the scent of his body wash makes me emotional.
His face is scruffier than it usually is, his curls fuzzy as though he didn’t put anything in it after his shower, but what really distracts me is the slump in his shoulders as he takes off his hoodie and sets it on my bed.
Before I can say anything at all, he’s crowding my space and wrapping his arms around me in a tight embrace.
Not the kind that leads to sex or suggests something more, but the kind that says goodbye.
I don’t know what to say, so I simply hug him back and try to memorize the way it feels to be safe in his arms.
“You fuck me up, cupcake,” he whispers, and as much as I’d like to say something sarcastic or playful back, I can’t. I’m two seconds away from crying and joking will only make it happen faster.
“Yeah, I know. I’m sorry.”
It’s all I can say. I know I have nothing to apologize for, but I feel it nonetheless. “It’s gonna be fine.”
He’s shaking his head as he pulls back, and then both of his hands are cradling my face so he can stare into my eyes intently. “You never have to apologize to me. You’ve done nothing wrong. I have. And I’m so fucking sorry.”
I will not cry. Blinking quickly, I shove them down as I force a smile.
If he’d have been sorry when it mattered, things might’ve been different.
Things could still be different, I guess, if I just let it all go.
It’s not like I haven’t thought about it.
He’s perfect for me in many ways, but… it’s not real. It’s never been real.
“I hear you, Eli. Thank you for saying it.”
His smile is sad as he places a soft kiss on my lips. “I know you said no gifts, but I have something for you anyway. Can I see your phone?”
When I hold it out he takes it from my hand and replaces it with a palm-sized cupcake plushie. It’s emo as hell with black around the base for the paper liner, purple frosting and black sprinkles, but it’s the adorable glasses on the face that has me melting.
When I glance up at him he’s not smiling though, just frowning down at my phone like he’s scared to give it back. “I shared my location with you so you always know where I’m at but… Can you promise me you won’t watch what I just airdropped until you’re home with your family?”
Yes, but only because I’m absolutely positive that I won’t be able to stop myself from crying when I watch whatever it is.
If it’s a sex tape or something weird, I’ll cry out of anger and frustration.
If it’s a funny movie, I’ll cry because he wanted to make me laugh.
And if it’s goodbye… I don’t think I ever want to watch it.
“I promise.”
“Thanks. Are you done packing?”
He looks around my room like he doesn’t know what to do with himself, and I hate this distance that’s grown between us. Knowing it’s good for me and being happy about it are two different things entirely, and I’m not sure I’ll ever be happy about it.
“Yeah. I’m only going for a few days and it’s not far. I also still have a lot of stuff at home, so… don’t need much. What about you?”
“Nah,” he admits. “I put my bag on my bed and then just stared at it. Not really looking forward to my dad talking about how we almost had it all winter break.”
He plops down on my bed with a sigh, and I notice it creaks a lot more now than it did when I first moved into this dorm.
Whoops.
“You guys did really, really well,” I say softly. “Don’t let him tell you otherwise.”
“I know. I’m good with how my last season ended, and after all the shit the guys did I’m glad the girl’s team won at least, but — fuck all that. Come here.”
Slowly, I close the distance between us and stand between his legs, his head falling against my stomach as he wraps his arms around my thighs, and all I can do is play with his curls.
By the time we come back, it’ll be over. I should be relieved, yet I’m not. “Don’t let him make you feel bad.”
“I won’t. I guess Juliana is bringing a guy home so that should distract him enough.”
Shit. I really haven’t talked to her much, I didn’t realize she was even dating anyone. “She’s not bringing her weird little friend, is she?”
“Who, Maci? Yeah, she’s coming too. She’s always tagging along wherever my sister goes. I think she’s obsessed with her.”
“Funny, I thought she was pining for you.”
“Maci? I guess, but I don’t see her that way at all.” He pulls back slightly to see my face. “You don’t like her, huh?”
His dimples are peeking out, distracting me.
“No, I don’t. She mean-mugs me all the time, and I see the way she looks at you.”
Which is something I definitely don’t care about. At all.
“Mmhm,” he hums. “Does she look at me the way that dude from your class looks at you? The one that’s been sitting by you in the library asking you to join his dumbass study group.”
It takes me way too long to figure out who he’s talking about.
“I don’t know, I never really paid attention to the way he looks at me.
” I glance over at the clock and deflate a little, knowing I need to leave soon if I want to make it home by dinner.
I’m desperate for a home cooked meal, but I don’t want to leave. Not yet.
“I know,” Eli says solemnly, and I know he’s no longer joking about our mutual jealousy. Those dimples are gone, and I realize that brief flash of them is all I’m going to get from him tonight. Maybe ever. “Is someone picking you up?”
“No, I actually have a car here,” I admit with a soft chuckle. “Just haven’t had much of a need for it.”
“You have a car?” he asks incredulously. “This whole time?”
Nodding, I lean down to kiss him. “Yes. You never asked.”
“Damn. Roadhead is on my bucket list, y’know?”
He stands up and kisses me again, nearly sweeping me off my feet.
There’s no one around, the season is over, and we’re damn near at the end of our agreement. We don’t need to act like this anymore, and yet… I can’t stop myself from reaching up to touch his face. “Well, who knows. Maybe you’ll still get it.”
“Maybe. Want me to walk you to your car?”
His face tilts into my palm and his eyes flutter closed like he’s savoring this moment, and I realize with a jolt that if I don’t say goodbye right now, I’m going to shove him in my trunk and take him home with me.
“It’s okay,” I say gently. “I don’t have a heavy bag, I can make it.”
Elias frowns, glancing at my luggage and then back at me like he can hear the clock ticking down. “Alright. I-I’ll miss you, Riley.”
“Shh.” Rocking up on my toes, I kiss him one more time and then back up to grab my bag. “We still need to have our very public break-up, remember? I’ll see you soon, soccer boy.”
His jaw tenses as he drops his gaze, his feet finally moving toward the door like he couldn’t bear to leave if he was still looking at my face. “Be sure to break my heart, cupcake.”
When he leaves without looking back, I glance down at that stuffed cupcake and hold it close to me.
He can ask me to break his heart all he wants, but something tells me I won’t be able to.
I’d rather not break my own in the process.