5. SYDNEY
5
SYDNEY
“Why do you think Nash doesn’t care that I’m going on a date with Joe? He’s friends with him too,” I ask Lauren as she preps a variety of vegetables for the sheet pan something or another she’s making.
We let ourselves into the guys’ townhouse a half hour ago and she’s been busy in the kitchen ever since. I offered to help but we both know that I would make a mess out of boiling water.
“I think you’re asking the wrong question. You should be asking why he’s keeping a certain person out of your reach,” she says, spreading potatoes and peppers onto the pan.
Lauren checks the temperature on the oven before opening the door and placing two sheet pans loaded up with vegetables, potatoes, chicken, and steak inside. “Nash is protective. I’ve experienced that side of him too. When it comes to you, he seems to only be warning one friend. Why?” she asks, taking a seat beside me at the dinner table.
“I don’t know.” I sigh. “It doesn’t matter anyway. Koa and I are never going to happen. We’ve both moved on.” I dig my fingernail into a crack in the table.
“Is that what all this dating business has been? You moving on?” she asks with a smirk and raised eyebrow.
“This is me trying.” The truth is I don’t think I will ever be able to move on. Does it make me pathetic because I can’t get over my first love? I like to think I’m more of a realist. Being with Koa ended up hurting me more than I thought possible. Yet, he’s still the one I think about.
Lauren drops her elbows on the table and leans forward. “Koa doesn’t look like he’s trying very hard. I’ve never seen him give another female a second glance. Let alone date one.”
“That’s because he got over me a long time ago. Or maybe he was never really into me to begin with and it was all in my head.” I tap the side of my forehead a few times with my index finger. “You don’t see him dating anyone because he keeps that part of his life to himself.”
I should know better than anyone. I was one of his secret conquests. My throat tightens to the point swallowing is difficult. I never wanted to be a secret fling. I never wanted to be his secret anything.
I’m beginning to think we weren’t even a fling. I only had him for one night. That was all I got. One night and then it was over.
We were over.
It doesn’t feel like it’s over but it’s what I need to tell myself every day in order to move on. A little illusion I trick myself into believing. Except it never sticks. I wake up every morning with my heart still hurting and my head making up lies to ease the pain.
I know my brother asked Koa and the guys to look after me. He did it when we started high school and again when we left for Newhouse. While I appreciate Nash's need to make sure I'm taken care of, it's left me very confused.
For a short period of time I thought Koa’s protectiveness was because he cared about me. The truth is, he was there because Nash couldn’t be. It was never about me but his friendship with Nash.
“Koa doesn’t seem like the kind of guy who would lead you on. He’s pretty straight forward. If he gave you the impression he was interested, I think you can trust that,” she says.
I want to believe she’s right. Even if she is, it’s over now. The feelings he had for me are long gone. I need to get with the program and get over him too.
Resting her chin on her hand, Lauren purses her lips and narrows her eyes in my direction. I can tell she has put on her little detective hat.
“What? Go ahead and say whatever it is you’re thinking.” I take a sip of my water.
“I’m trying to understand what happened between the two of you that got you to this entry level friendship. I’m guessing you weren’t always like this?”
I check the time on my phone. We still have twenty minutes before the guys get home.
“No we weren’t.” From the first day I met Lauren, I knew we would be close friends. She has always been there to listen to whatever was on my mind or my heart. There isn’t much she doesn’t know about me.
Except my history with Koa. We both kept our share of secrets despite our sisterly relationship. Some things are too painful to share. It wasn’t until last semester that I found out about Lauren’s past and who she really is.
I guess it’s my turn to open up and do the same. Part of me has always thought if I never spoke about what happened between me and Koa then it would remain preserved in the back of my mind however I wanted to see it.
Sharing my past relationship with Koa brings everything to the surface again. It’s not just the bad memories I try to forget. It’s the good ones too. They’re the ones that hurt the most.
“Koa moved into our neighborhood when we were twelve. I remember it was the summer before seventh grade. I saw him and immediately got a little crush, but he wasn’t interested in more. He said he wanted to be friends.” I shrug.
Lauren sighs and offers a sympathetic smile. “If you took Nash out of the equation, would that change anything?”
I’ve thought about this before. “Honestly I don’t know. Nash isn't the only problem. Koa hurt me in high school. It wasn’t Nash who messed up our relationship. It was him.” I inhale a deep breath and let it out slowly. “He was the one who didn't pick me.”
“Is that what you want?”
“I want to move on,” I say as convincingly as I can. I want to stop hurting. I want to be happy. I want to have another man touch me and not compare it to the way his hands felt on my skin.
“I have a good feeling about Joe.” Lauren grins. “Ever since you’ve started talking to him in your forums you’ve been happier. A little lighter on your feet.”
“I don’t know if it’s him yet. Whoever this mystery man is, I do like talking to him. It would be nice to know if I’m picturing the right face behind the screen.”
“And if it’s not him?”
“I’ll get my best friend who loves hunting down a good story to help me figure out who I’m really spending all my free time talking to.” I bat my eyelashes at Lauren dramatically.
“Whatever you need. You don’t even have to ask. I’m in.” Lauren stands and walks over to the kitchen drawer by the sink. “We should make a list of questions you can ask online Joe.” She holds up a small notebook and pen.
“Where do I even begin?”
“I guess being straight forward and hitting him with the name, birthday, location is too much?”
“I could but I don’t want to run him off. What if he’s shy? If I come at him hard, he could log off and be done with me.”
“You haven’t talked about anything personal yet?”
I shake my head. “Not really. We’ve talked about a few personal things but nothing that would make me think he’s Joe Clark. We’ve mainly talked about books, music, movie adaptations—” I stop talking when I notice Lauren’s smirk.
“He sounds perfect.”
“He does. It’s concerning,” I admit. “Do you think it’s Joe trying to impress me? Saying all the right things to get me to like him?”
“Could be. It is quite the coincidence that he pops up online the same day you tell him about the forum. But also it could be some random guy or girl in another part of the world.”
“Your need to be pragmatic is annoying.”
“You can call Charlie to fill your head with romantic fantasies. You have me and Wren to keep you safe and sound in reality.” She pats my arm. “You should at least ask him what he looks like.”
“I’m sure that will be an accurate description and not exaggerated at all.” I roll my eyes.
“I doubt they would lie outright. Stretch the truth maybe, but why lie about your hair and eye color?”
“True.” If he has dark hair and brown eyes, I’m out. There’s a reason I’ve tried to only date blonds the past few years.
“Can you video chat in your forum?”
“I am not doing that,” I say, shaking my head.
“Why? Whoever is on the other end would lose their mind when they see you on the screen.”
“You think? Even when I’m wearing my face mask and reading robe?” I joke. Reading in my bright pink robe is like being wrapped up in a fuzzy blanket. It’s helpful when you get to a part of a book that requires pacing the floor. You can focus on the book and not holding your blanket in place. It’s honestly life changing .
“Yes, because that’s your thing. It makes you happy. And if it makes you happy then whoever you’re with will like that too.”
I drop my head into my hands and groan. “I’m so pathetic. I’m a senior in college and the highlight of my day is putting on my pajamas and reading a book.”
“I said it makes you happy. You are also happy when you’re at work, hanging out with the girls, or working on your latest experiment in our bathroom and making a mess everywhere,” she teases.
“I cleaned it up,” I grumble.
“My point is you are not pathetic. You’re incredible. And Joe and whoever this online guy is will see how amazing you are too. Do you know what you’re doing for your date?”
“Maybe dinner or coffee and dessert. Somewhere we can talk.” I shrug. He didn’t give me any details. He only said to dress casually.
The front door creaks as it opens. Hart, Koa, and Nash enter the living room laughing. Hart drops his bag by the stairs and heads straight for Lauren.
“Smells good in here, carino ,” he says, giving her a quick kiss on the lips.
Nash pops open the oven and Hart smacks him on the arm. “What? I just wanted to take a look. Damn.”
“Be patient,” Hart scolds him.
“It’s almost ready.” Lauren stands and offers her seat to Hart. “You can hang out here with us to wait or come back in a few minutes. ”
Koa and Nash choose to sit in two of the empty seats at the table, while Hart heads toward the closet in the hallway and grabs an extra folding chair for himself. We shuffle the chairs around the table to make room for everyone.
Somehow I end up sitting next to Koa. His thigh brushes against my knee, and while it was an accident the results are the same. My skin grows hot to the touch and heat slowly travels throughout my entire body.
Pressing my palms on the table, I begin to stand. Koa’s fingertips graze over the top of my thigh, halting my movement.
“What do you need?” he asks. His warm brown eyes meet mine.
I need to get away from you because every time you’re close to me, I want you even closer and I can’t allow myself to want you again . “Water. I need more water. Do you want something to drink?”
“I’ll get it.” Koa stands and I’m gifted a moment to breathe.
“What’s this?” Nash asks, pointing across the table. His eyes focused on the notebook Lauren was writing on. I snatch it off the table before anyone can read it.
“Nothing,” I answer swiftly.
“Uh, a story I’m working on,” Lauren says at the same time as me.
I glare in her direction. She’s always getting after me about giving away more information than necessary. She should know better. I can’t help it. I’m a Southerner. It’s in my genes to overshare. It’s what we do. I have to work hard not to tell my life story to strangers.
“For class?” Hart asks.
“Something for my dad. I’ll tell you about it later,” she says, giving Hart a look that only he could interpret.
I run out to the living room, throw the notebook in my bag and pray no one calls out the fact that I’m the one taking the notebook home and not Lauren.
“You two are terrible liars. It’s about my birthday, isn’t it?” Nash asks with a full grin on his face. My feet catch on the floor. His birthday? I glance at Lauren. She gives me a slight shrug and a nod.
“I’m not saying anything. I don’t want to ruin the surprise,” I reply.
“We aren’t having a party here,” Hart declares.
“It’s my twenty-first birthday. You can’t deny me a party if the girls want to put something together for me,” Nash replies.
Hart’s body goes rigid. Lauren stands and places her arms on his shoulders. “We can keep it small. And if it gets out of hand, we’ll leave.” She attempts to slide past him but he grabs her hip and pulls her back into his chest.
It only lasts a moment but it’s long enough for me to feel a twinge of jealousy. There have been plenty of times when the shoe was on the other foot and Lauren watched me with my boyfriends.
She was never jealous. Never once did she wish she had what I had. Maybe she knew I was putting on a show. That those guys were nothing but stand-ins and wouldn’t make it past the starting line. I wouldn’t have been jealous of me either. They were never the real thing like her and Hart.
“Is everything okay?” Koa asks. His forearms rest on the table and he leans into my personal space. I attempt to put some distance between us but it doesn’t seem to matter. His large frame crowds me regardless.
“Of course. Why wouldn’t it be?” I plaster a smile on my face.
“I don’t know,” he says. “It’s not like you to want to plan a party for Nash. That has never been your thing,” he adds, leaning back in his chair.
Lauren brings dinner to the table while Hart passes out plates and silverware to everyone.
I hate that he’s right. I am not a planner or event organizer. It is actually something that stresses me out. I find all the details from the food to the invitations cumbersome and overwhelming.
“Yeah, well, that was the old me.” It’s a lie but it irritates me to no end that he thinks he knows me anymore. Basic civility is the extent of our relationship. Even that has a time limit. It usually ends the moment he starts dictating how I should live my life.
It took an entire summer before I could even stand to be in the same room as Koa. I only did that because Nash begged me to try. He didn’t want me going to Newhouse without knowing I would call Koa if I needed help. I agreed for his sake but it wasn’t without reservation .
Koa grunts then picks up my plate to serve me food, frustrating me further as he leaves off the peppers because he knows I don’t like them.
“Wren will help us,” Lauren says. “She’ll have the whole event mapped out in ten minutes. If you have any requests, you might as well tell us since the surprise is ruined now.”
“Why would Wren need to plan the event? Didn’t you two already have it started?” Koa asks. His eyes flicker with mischief and his lip twitches in amusement.
“We were throwing ideas around. We didn’t have anything concrete yet if you must know everything,” I explain.
“You should help Syd,” Nash suggests, nodding in Koa’s direction. “Who better to throw me a party than my best friend and my sister.”
“Your sister and her best friend.” I wave a hand between me and Lauren. “We don’t need his help. We’ve got it handled.” The last thing I need is to be stuck with Koa planning a party that never existed until two minutes ago.
“What kind of friend would I be if I didn’t help plan his party?” Koa asks. I zone out, staring at my plate of food. I shove a bite in my mouth to keep myself from saying something I’ll regret.
I enjoy the burn of the potato on my tongue and the roof of my mouth as a steady drip of rage begins to flow through my veins. This is how it always is with them. Their friendship takes precedence over everything else. Over everyone else.
“Your loyalty is commendable,” I snark. Then stuff more food in my mouth. My fury is almost blinding. Everyone is a blur as I continue to eat in silence as they discuss potential party plans.
My anger doesn’t stop me from feeling the occasional tap of Koa’s leg against mine or the sweep of his eyes over my face.
It is hard not to smile at my brother’s enthusiasm. I didn’t realize he wanted a party so badly. I figured he was going to go to The Armory with his friends and have a few shots. Maybe meet someone new. He’s been so focused on football he could use a night to let go.
“That settles it then. Do you think you can pull everything together in a few weeks?” Nash asks.
“Shouldn’t be a problem,” Koa replies.
“Whatever you do, don’t ask Wyatt for help,” Hart grumbles.
“Why? I figured he would be the go to guy for throwing a decent party.” Lauren sips on her drink waiting for Hart to say more.
“Last year he was in charge of getting invitations printed. Somehow they got printed with clothing optional instead of costumes optional,” Koa explains. I vaguely remember Nash mentioning this party but I opted to stay home with Lauren.
“People didn’t,” Lauren says, eyes wide in shock.
“They did.” Nash grins.
“I’ll handle the invites,” I assure Hart.
“I’ll do them. I know who to invite,” Koa says.
“You don’t think I know who my brother’ s friends are?”
Koa’s eyes slide from me, to Nash, and then back to me. “I’m sure you do, but—”
“Then I’ll handle it,” I say, cutting him off. “Thanks for making dinner, Lo.” I stand and take my plate to the sink, rinsing it off, and putting it in the dishwasher. “I’m going to get out of here and get ready for work.”
Koa’s hand grips tighter on the fork he's holding. His shoulders tense and he cranes his neck, twisting until it cracks.
I hug my brother and Lauren goodbye and squeeze Hart’s shoulder as I pass him. Is it rude to say nothing to Koa as I walk out the door? Absolutely, but I’ve stopped caring if I make him mad.
Join the club. We’re all mad here.