7. SYDNEY
7
SYDNEY
Someone should bottle up the scent of book pages and sell it as cologne or perfume. Candles are great, but as a cologne on a good looking guy…it’s like a pheromone to me.
My fingers glide over the spines of the newest book releases in the fantasy section. I’m hiding out at the bookstore in town. Koa summoned me earlier to start planning Nash’s birthday party but I refuse to reply to him. I didn’t want his help with the party before and I definitely don’t want it now.
He kissed me.
The kiss was soft, sweet, and nothing like what I expected. I’ve kissed Koa before. It was a mess of tongues, teeth, and lips. Neither one of us knew what we were doing back then.
The whole event has played on repeat in my head the last few days. I’m used to men pushing it with their words when I’m at work. They attempt to flirt after a few rounds but no one has ever physically touched me or followed me into a stock room before.
That customer scared me more than I was letting on. The liquor closet was secluded. Sure the girls knew where I was but they wouldn’t have any reason to check on me. They definitely wouldn’t have heard me scream if he was able to advance on me. And he would have if Koa didn’t follow us.
My skin still tingles from where he touched me. He erased all my fear in seconds and replaced it with desire. I bang my head against the top row of books. I’m not supposed to be feeling this way about him anymore.
He moved in on me so easily as if it was something he does on a regular basis—saving damsels. He seemed unaffected by our close proximity, meanwhile I had to claw at his chest to keep myself from sinking into the floor.
I expected him to grab the guy by the collar and walk him out the door. The last guy who touched me without permission came to school the next day with a busted lip and a black eye.
No, instead he acted like my boyfriend. He kissed me and he called me baby. Maybe I’m the one who should have put up a fight. Am I even capable of doing that? I’ve never had to try before. He’s never put me in a position where I’m forced to choose between pushing him away or pulling him closer. You definitely didn’t push him away.
My hand clamps down on the bookshelf in front of me. One kiss and my heart was ready to start planning a wedding. Then I looked over Koa’s shoulder and remembered it was all an act. That everything he did and said was to get that guy to leave.
“How many books do you have at home that you haven’t read, give or take twenty?” Koa removes the book I’ve been cradling from my arms and looks over the title. Then flips open the front cover as if he’s actually interested in what the book is about.
It’s the second book in a duet. And no, I haven’t read the first one yet but they are going to look so pretty on my shelf together.
He closes the book and hands it back to me.
“Less than you think,” I reply, especially if he’s giving me twenty. The corner of his mouth ticks. I wait for him to tell me that I shouldn’t be wasting my money on more books but it never comes.
“We need to talk,” he says.
“We have nothing to talk about.” I walk past him toward the romance section. I’m not going to let his presence ruin my shopping trip. If he thinks I want to talk about what happened or him kissing me, he’s crazy.
I want to forget about it and move on. Talking about it will put me at risk. I’m not a good liar. I won’t be able to hide the fact that he still has a hold on me.
“We do.”
Biting down on my back molars, I expel a breath through my nose. Blinded by my frustration I almost bump into an older couple passing us. Koa presses against my elbow moving me out of the way in time.
“Excuse me,” I say to them, then jerk out of his reach. “Don’t touch me. You’ve done enough of that already, don’t you think?” I grit out behind a clenched jaw. He chuckles darkly. I don’t know what he thinks is so funny.
“No, I don’t think I have,” he says with conviction. “I’m here because we need to talk about Nash’s party. His birthday is only a few weeks away.”
Ignoring him, because what the hell? ‘ No, I don’t think I have.’ Is he saying he wants to touch me more? I can’t overthink that statement at the moment.
I walk a little faster until I reach a bookshelf with familiar titles. The sight of them alone makes me feel calmer and more at ease. Letting my guard down completely isn’t something I can do. He has fooled me into thinking he cared before, but I won’t let it happen again.
He is here for Nash at the moment. Not me. I need to remember that.
“Why don’t you plan it by yourself? You know him best after all. You don’t need me.” I tilt my head towards him. “You never did.”
His face falls showing a moment of what? Regret? If it was, it’s gone in a flash. I scan the books on the shelf looking for one I don’t already own. Koa clasps his hand over mine, stopping my movement.
“I need you.” His thumb runs circles over my skin. The gesture is soft, barely there, but I notice every little touch from him. They all get cataloged and locked away for safekeeping despite my better judgment. “I don’t plan parties.”
Pulling away from him, I take a step out of his reach. The thought makes me laugh. Have I ever been out of his reach? “Interesting, considering you were so eager to volunteer. I doubt Nash expects much anyway. Drinks, some food, music.” I shrug. “Oh look at that. We just planned a party. Goodbye.”
“It’s his twenty-first. We need balloons and decorations,” he says, his gaze focused on my profile. I continue to scan book titles and admire their pretty spines and artwork in an attempt to forget he’s even here. It isn’t as easy to do as one would think.
“Sounds like you know how to plan parties to me. You have it all figured out and under control.” I smirk at him. I slide a book off the shelf and examine the front and back—the cover has a cool font and pretty colors. Don’t mind if I do.
“You promised Nash.”
“I don’t recall promising anything. Even if I did, I think I’m owed one or two of my own promises to break,” I snap.
Koa lets out a frustrated breath, and then takes my book selections out of my arms. “Are you getting anymore?” He gestures toward the rows of bookshelves we're standing in between.
I shake my head but he dips his chin giving me a knowing look. I glance around until I see another book that’s been on my list for awhile. He tracks where my eyes are zoned in on and picks up the book in question. I nod confirming my selection.
“Where are you going?” I ask when he starts walking away.
“To buy your books. Then I’m going to get you one of those sugar filled iced coffee drinks you like and we’re going to sit down and plan this party. ”
“Give me those.” I reach for the books but he holds them over his head. “You are not buying my books.” I go to grab them again but he strong arms me this time, holding me back.
I cross my arms over my chest as we wait in line. He is so frustrating. Who does he think is? Barging into my life and buying me books. Showing up where I work and kissing me. I’ve tried my best to keep a safe distance between us but suddenly he’s everywhere.
I should not be thinking about Koa’s kisses whenever I have one—maybe two—other options in my life. Really good options actually. I still haven’t confirmed if Joe online is the same Joe on campus but I will. And if they are the same person, then that’s a great option.
I don’t understand why Joe hasn’t told me already. I have my first name displayed on my profile. He could ask and confirm it’s me but he hasn’t. He said he wants me to like him first. Little does he know, I already do.
Which should make being around Koa easier, but it doesn’t. Every time I’m near him it undoes any progress I’ve started to make with getting over him. It’s why I try to avoid him when I can and that only extends so far considering our friend group is so tightly woven.
It’s not that I don’t want to be around him. It’s that I can’t. I’m in self preservation mode. Then there are times I look at his face and see the boy I fell in love with. I step back in time and ask him to have lunch or hang out, and I completely forget how much he hurt me .
One more semester. If all goes right, that’s all I need to get through and then he’ll be off playing baseball and I’ll be in a new city starting over.
I’ve been lost in my thoughts for so long I didn’t notice Koa’s already tapped his credit card and is being handed a bag full of his purchases. He takes it from the clerk with a thank you and then ushers me toward the cafe located on the right side of the store.
“I can carry them,” I say, reaching my hand toward him. He glances at my palm before grunting.
“And let you slip out the door? I don’t think so. These are collateral. You can have them once we’re done.”
What am I doing? Why am I still here? I didn’t pay for anything. I can buy them myself later. In fact, I can order them now, and they will be delivered to my dorm tomorrow.
“Are you coming?” he asks, realizing I’ve stopped following him.
“No, I don’t think I am.” I turn on my heel and start walking toward the door. I pull in a deep breath of fresh air as soon as I’m outside. This is what I needed. I can think clearly out here.
“Do you really hate me that much?” he asks. We’re separated by a few square blocks of concrete on the sidewalk. He clutches the handle on the shopping bag in one hand and his other is balled in a fist.
“I don’t hate you.” I mentally pat myself on the back for saying that without hesitation or emotion. He doesn’t get to know my true feelings for him .
“You can’t even be around me for more than five minutes anymore without running away.” He takes a step closer and I retreat one. That makes him grin as if I’m proving his point.
“I was at your house for dinner just last week,” I remind him.
“And you left as soon as you could.” He steps closer.
“I had to work as you know.” A flash of him kissing me pops into my head and I feel warmth spread through my cheeks.
“What are you thinking about?”
“How much I want you to leave me alone.”
“I’ll let you have that lie.” He smirks. “I can’t leave you alone." His tone of voice is too sincere for my liking. The old me would read into his words and believe that maybe there is more to what he's saying. He’s got me backed against the brick wall of the bookstore but at least he’s left some space between us this time.
“Well, I can’t keep doing this with you.” I can’t do anything with you. Koa’s brown eyes stare into mine.
“If this is about the other night, I’m sorry. It was a mistake to kiss you like that.”
I drop my head and stare at the concrete. I need a moment to compose myself before I go postal on Koa. “A mistake. That isn’t the first time you’ve said this to me. You should really get some new material.” I wish I could control my emotions but I’m afraid some of my anger slipped through my defenses.
He takes a small step toward me and tips my chin. “Sydney,” he says, and his tone is apologetic. “I said it was a mistake to kiss you like that. I’m still not sorry for kissing you. It was the only thing I could think of at the moment. That guy wasn’t taking a hint.”
“It’s fine. I’m over it.” I unzip my bag and fish out my keys.
“I don’t want you to be over it. I want…” his voice trails off.
“To be honest, I don’t really care what you want seeing as you've never once cared about what I wanted.” I poke a finger at my chest.
“That isn’t true and you know it.”
“Do I? Your words and actions say otherwise. All you do is show up where you aren’t needed.” I step into his personal space this time.
“You needed me the other night. Who knows what that guy would have done if I wasn’t there.” He practically growls the words. A family of four walk past us reminding me that we are in public.
“Can we not do this right now? I don’t want to hear what you think about me working at Ray’s. You’ve voiced your hatred for the place enough over the last few months. I’ve heard you loud and clear.”
“Yet, you chose to ignore me.”
“That’s because you aren’t the boss of me.” I meet his glare. My phone buzzes against my hip in my bag. A much needed interruption.
Checking my notifications, I see a new email from the cosmetics company I reached out to about starting my makeup and skin care brand. I can’t stop the smile on my face. They’re willing to answer any questions I have and mentor me. This is a great first step.
“Good news?” Koa asks.
“Yes,” I reply, closing out my email. I’ll write them back when I get home and can put together a clear thought.
“That’s not much of an answer.”
“That’s the only answer you are going to get.” I drop my phone in my bag and walk back toward the bookstore.
“Where are you going?”
I turn to face him and continue taking slow steps backwards. “You promised me a coffee and we have a party to plan.”
It’s possible I might regret this decision later. I’ll blame my lack of judgment on the email I just received and not the fact there might be a small part of the old me that wants to spend more time with him.