14. SYDNEY
14
SYDNEY
It’s been a few days since Nash’s party and Koa’s confession. Is that what it was? A declaration? An apology? I don’t know how to define what's happening between us. All I know is that I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it.
What if it’s true? What if we tried? What if I let my heart win?
I thought maybe hiding out in the chemistry lab and diving into one of my research projects would keep my mind occupied. Instead, I keep drifting back to everything he said. Everything he was asking of me.
Instinct had me wanting to run into his open arms. The boy I’ve loved my entire life wants to be with me. He likes me . It felt like a fever dream. Then my battered and bruised heart reminded me of what happened the last time Koa Mahina led me to believe there was something starting between us.
I can’t do it again. Not when there’s a possibility to have a healthy relationship with someone else. Our story is over. He can say whatever he wants, but I won’t let it happen.
I’m going to focus on my new life in North Carolina and leave everything in the past where it belongs. Nothing good will come from a relationship with Koa. All that ever got me was a broken heart.
Thankfully he’s been out of town for games and I haven’t had to see him. He’s sent me a few text messages, but nothing about our conversation in his room. They were random updates about his day. The same type of texts he would send me when he was on the road in high school.
How can he go back to what we were so easily? He was the one who said we couldn't be together. As soon as I heard the word, I froze. I panicked. My heart dropped to my stomach. The only thing I could do was agree with him. So I did and retreated to my bedroom. I avoided him as much as I could that summer.
I look into the microscope and make a few notes on my laptop. This is one of many research assignments I have to wrap up before graduation. I love being in the lab but I’m looking forward to the days when I’m working on my own formulas instead of projects my professor assigned to me.
“I thought I’d find you here. You’ve been avoiding me.” Nash leans his elbows on the long lab table.
“I’ve been busy. There’s a difference.” I glance around the room and note several people have stopped what they're doing to check out my brother.
“So, the fact that I haven’t talked to my sister in four days has nothing to do with Koa taking you up to his room? Or that when you came back downstairs you immediately called for a campus rideshare and left? ”
“Nope.” I ignore my brother and continue to log the chemical reactions from my sample on my laptop.
“Do you want to tell me what happened upstairs with Koa?”
“Not particularly. I don’t see how it’s information you need to know. I’m surprised you haven’t already gotten the gossip you’re looking for from your best friend.” I raise an eyebrow.
“Not yet. He’ll come to me when he’s ready.”
“How nice of you to give him space and wait for him to come to you. Too bad I don’t get the same courtesy,” I grumble.
“You’re my sister. I want to make sure you’re okay and I don’t have to kick my best friend’s ass for hurting you.”
“Don’t bloody your knuckles on my behalf.”
“So, there’s nothing that I need to worry about?” he asks.
I lean back in my seat and scrutinize my brother. “Why are you pushing this? I said everything is fine. Can you drop it? I don’t want to talk to you about Koa.”
“What happened with Joe? I saw Eva hanging all over him after you left.”
“You’re relentless.” I release a sigh. “We decided to be friends. He’s free to have whoever he chooses hang on him. We were casual anyway.”
Turns out my suspicion about Joe and Online Joe being two different people was correct. When I asked him what he thought of the Fiction Forum, he said he hadn’t had a chance to join yet .
That one action, or lack of one, told me all I needed to know. If he couldn’t take a minute to check out one of my favorite things, then he wasn’t really interested in me.
I don’t want to fall in love so badly I’m willing to settle. I want a man who puts me first. I’m done feeling like second best or an afterthought.
“That seems to be your favorite kind of relationship,” he snarks.
“You’re one to talk. I don’t think you’ve ever had a serious girlfriend.”
“That’s not my focus.”
“You sound like a real asshole right now. It isn’t my focus either. I have dreams and goals outside of having a boyfriend too,” I say waving a hand around the lab.
He nods thoughtfully. “You’re right. I’m sorry. You're going to change the lives of a lot of people.”
“Thank you. I can’t wait until you need a woman’s help and she humbles the hell out of you.”
He laughs. “I’ve been humbled all year but if a woman still needs to take me down a notch, I’ll embrace it.”
He watches me for a few minutes and I expertly ignore him. It is a skill I’ve sharpened over years being his big sister. He can’t stand the silence. Nash has always been the one to break first.
“Koa didn’t get that memo. About you and Joe,” he adds, noting my confusion. “Hart told me Koa laid into Joe when they were loading up the bus to leave for their away games. Koa overheard him talking about Eva with another trainer. Then Koa went off telling him how he is being disrespectful to you. I wonder why he did that.”
“If I had to guess it’s because he’s become your perfectly trained soldier. Built by your design to defend me and keep the bad guys away.”
He scoffs. “That’s an interesting take. I think somewhere over the years your interpretation of our friendship with Koa has become clouded.”
“What are you talking about? I know exactly where I stand in our trio. I’m the second rate Pierce sibling.”
Nash laughs. “Do you really believe that? Do you know how many times he ditched me to spend time with you instead? You can’t sit here and tell me there’s nothing going on between the two of you.”
Koa ditched Nash to hang out with me? I file through the memories and I do recall a few times he would watch a movie with me while Nash would be outside doing something with Hart or the other guys. Was he really picking me?
“There isn’t. You have nothing to worry about.” I glare at my brother. Why is he bringing all of this up? What is his agenda? He should know there isn’t anything going on between us because it was his ban, his rules, and Koa’s loyalty to him that got us here.
“Would you want there to be?” he questions cautiously.
“Why are you asking me about Koa? It seems very…random.”
He throws his head back laughing. “Does it really? ”
“Yes. Completely out of the blue. We had one conversation at your party and all of a sudden you think we should be in a relationship. It would make more sense if you asked me if I still wanted to marry Joshua Jackson.”
“I don’t see how. The likelihood of you marrying a celebrity would be slim.”
“Exactly!” I throw my hands up in the air. I wince when I earn a few glares from a few people in the room. “But also more likely than something happening between me and your best friend.”
He stands up straight, tilts his head to the side, and considers me for a moment. “Okay,” he says, then slaps the top of the table.
“Okay? That’s all you have to say after the incessant badgering. You’re ending the conversation here?”
“We can continue the conversation if you want. I have a lot of thoughts about you and Koa I would love to get off my chest. Things I have been holding back for years.”
“This has been you holding back? You have never held your tongue about your friends being interested in me. I can’t imagine what else you could possibly have to say.”
I do my best to keep my face neutral but inside I’m sweating. Does Nash know Koa and I had sex graduation night? It was the beginning and the end of us. I don’t like thinking about that night too long.
It’s one of my good memories that makes me miss what we could have been but it’s also tainted with the reminder that the next morning Koa woke thinking being with me was a mistake.
“I see and know more than you think I do,” he states.
“Whatever, oh wise one. I don’t want to talk about this with you anymore,” I grumble.
“He comes home later today. Maybe you should come over and have a conversation with him.” He walks around to my side of the table. “It’s okay if you like him. I’m not going to be mad if that’s what you’re worried about.”
“I’m not going to be mad,” I mumble his words back to myself because surely I heard him wrong. “For years you have warned him off of me. And now, you’re okay with it? I have never needed your permission or approval to be with Koa.”
“No you don’t.”
“Are you fucking kidding me right now?” I whisper-shout. How can he agree with me after years of keeping us apart?
“No, I’m not. You don’t need my permission but he still doesn’t deserve you. Not yet at least.”
“It doesn’t matter,” I say, dismissing him. I meant what I said when I told Koa it was too late for us. “I’m not interested in starting up anything with him. Your BFF status can stay intact. You can continue to keep him to yourself.”
He leans closer to me. “It was never about that. Maybe in the beginning, but things changed. Your relationship with Koa changed. Just talk to him.” He kisses my forehead before saying goodbye.
I’m left even more confused. Maybe my brother isn’t as selfish as I thought he was all this time. It doesn’ t make sense that he would spend so much energy warning all of his friends away just to tell me he would be okay with Koa and I being together.
The last time I was in Koa’s room I didn’t get a good look around. It was hard for me to focus on anything but him and my brewing frustration.
I’ve avoided going upstairs when I visit Nash. There’s no reason to come up into Koa’s personal space. It's too dangerous like standing too close to the fire. I need to distance myself from him. Otherwise, I’m constantly reminded of what will never be mine.
Koa’s room is relatively clean and organized. This doesn’t surprise me. His dad was in the military and taught all of his kids the importance of daily disciplines.
Walking around his room, memories begin to float to the surface. There is something about the familiar scent lingering in the air that brings me back to the beginning of high school.
His cologne sits on the top of his dresser along with a picture of our neighborhood crew at our graduation party. I ignore the photo and pick up his cologne and inhale a deep breath.
Smells like my first kiss and the only man I’ve ever loved .
Koa appears in the open doorway, making me jump. I fumble the cologne bottle as I hastily try to get it back where it belongs. “I can’t believe you still wear the same stuff from high school,” I snark, hoping to throw him off the fact I love the way he always smells like a giant ocean I want to dive into.
“You don’t like it?” he asks, genuinely concerned.
“It’s alright.” I shrug.
“Hale gave me a bottle for my birthday,” he says, closing the door and walking deeper into his room. Hale is his older brother. “He said it would make me irresistible.” The side of his mouth tips up in a smile. “It didn’t work. Did it?” he asks, sitting on the edge of his bed.
“I don’t think I’m the right person to answer that question.”
“You’re the only person I want answering that question,” he says, making my breath hitch. I’m not used to his bluntness. His honesty. “Why are you here?”
Admitting I’m here to talk about us doesn’t seem like a good idea anymore. I need more time to think about everything. Out of the corner of my eye, I see my bag. The one I left here from the night of Nash’s party. Perfect.
“I’m here to get my bag.” I walk over to my made up excuse. “How did it end up in your room?”
He shrugs. “Hart must have thrown it in here whenever Lauren and him went to bed. I was going to bring it to you tomorrow.”
“I saved you the trouble. I’ll get out of your hair. I’m sure you want to relax after your games. Congratulations, by the way.” They were able to win all three games and still have a chance to make the playoffs.
Koa stares at the bag in my hand as I fiddle with the strap, wrapping it and unwrapping it around my fingers.
“Why are you really here?” he asks again, bypassing my diversion tactics altogether.
“I don’t know.” My head falls forward and my shoulders slump.
“Will you sit down?” He scoots over and gives me enough room to sit and still leave some much needed space between us. I decide to sit facing him. If we are going to have this conversation, I’m going to do it head on.
I stare silently at his comforter while he stares at me. I guess I’m going to have to start. I might as well admit what is holding me back. “I’m scared,” I whisper.
He readjusts his position on the bed, inching himself closer to me. “I’m scared too.” He places a hand over mine and removes the strap of my bag from my grasp. It was a nice distraction. “I’m scared you’re going to walk away. I’m scared you’re going to move to another state and that’s going to be the end of us.”
“That was my plan. Leave after graduation and never look back.”
“You said it was your plan. What’s your plan now?”
“It’s still my plan. I’m leaving after graduation,” I answer. He rolls his lips and nods slowly. “This, you and me, isn’t healthy. Whatever it is that makes us this way…” I sigh. “You need to let me go. Every time you interfere in my life I have to start th e process of getting over you all over again. You said things at Nash’s party that undid any progress I made.”
“Then don’t get over me. I’m not sure how I’m going to be able to walk away from us—from you—if you do. I won’t stop trying until you let me in and give us a second chance.”
I scoff. “You keep asking for a second chance. When did you give us a first chance? You ran before we even got started,” I say, pointing a finger in his direction. “We were never together. You took my heart, crushed it, and then left me to put myself back together again.”
“I’m sorry. I made a bad decision. I should have gone back to Nash and told him to fuck off. I should have told him how I really feel about you. How I’ve always felt about you. I didn’t fight hard enough back then but I’m fighting now.”
“I can’t keep doing this,” I say, wiping a lone tear from my cheek.
“Doing what?”
“Hoping and praying. Hoping I’m not going to wake up in the morning like I did before and everything you said will be null and void. Praying you don’t change your mind. Take your pick. I have a million reasons why we should give up and move on.”
“And I have one that says we shouldn’t. My world has revolved around you since the moment you entered it,” he claims, and moves to the floor, getting on his knees. He puts a hand on either one of my thighs and twists my body so I’m facing him .
“There is no more hoping. No more praying.” He squeezes my hip. “There is only me proving to you that I am yours. That I have always been yours.”
“But you haven’t. You treat me—my heart—like a toy and you don’t even realize you’re doing it. I’m like a damn yoyo to you. You throw me out and pull me back in. It’s time to cut the string.”
“How am I supposed to do that?” he asks.
“It wasn’t hard the first time. I’m sure you can figure it out again.”
“You think that’s what I’ve done?” He jerks forward. I’m forced to push my knees apart and let him get closer to me. “You think I let you go? Baby, I’m holding on to you as tight as I can. It may feel different to you because I’ve had to do it from a distance. But there is no part of me that has let you go. If anything, I feel like I’m holding on for dear life. I’m desperately trying to keep any part of you near me.
“Maybe you’re the one who keeps pulling away. Maybe instead of cutting the string, I need to put a giant knot in it so you can’t get away from me anymore,” he says, gripping my hips tighter.
“What if that’s not what I want?”
“What do you want? Whatever it is, I’ll give it to you.”
“I want the broken pieces of my heart to stop stabbing me in the lungs so I can breathe without feeling any pain. I want to be able to look at your face and not remember what it feels like when your lips are pressed against mine. I want to be able to look at my brother and not blame him for stealing my best friend away from me. You were mine first,” I shout. “Mine. And you left me…you left me.” I swallow back tears but I’m afraid it’s too late as they begin to trickle down my cheeks.
“Baby,” he whispers, pulling me into his arms. I should fight him but I’m too tired. “I’m so sorry. I’m going to make this right.”
“I already told you. It’s too late.” Just saying the words has my mouth drying out as if my body is preserving all the water for the future tears I’ll cry when I’m back home alone. “I told you there's someone else.”
He pulls away slightly. I already miss being cocooned in his arms and having my cheek pressed against his chest.
“You can’t be serious right now. You’re going to pick Joe over me? Over everything we have? He was making out with another girl as soon as you left the party. I know you. That’s not the kind of guy you’re looking for.”
“ We have nothing but memories.” I slide off the bed and walk across the room. I can’t think with him so close to me. “You’re right. Joe isn’t the guy for me.”
“At least we can agree on something,” he says, standing. I liked him better on his knees.
“He isn’t who I’m talking about.”
“You’re dating someone else?” The muscles in his jaw flutter and his eyes narrow on me.
“I was never dating Joe. We were getting to know each other. I didn’t even kiss the guy.”
Koa rubs his hands aggressively through his short hair and over his face. “Who is he? ”
“I’m not telling you. It doesn’t matter who I’m seeing. Just know it isn’t you.” I lift my chin. I can only imagine what he would say if I told him I was falling for someone I’ve met online. I can hear the lecture now.
“You’re right. It doesn’t matter who this other guy is,” he says, taking a step in my direction. “There have always been other guys. I’ve watched them all come and go over the years and never once did I worry because I know, Sydney.” He cups the side of my face.
I do my best to avoid eye contact but he keeps up with me easily so I give up and glare at him. “I know you’re mine. It has always been you for me. I’m done sitting on the sidelines, baby. You’re more than a memory to me. I'm not going to stop until we get it right.”
“How are we going to do that when I haven’t agreed to any of this?”
“Day by day.”
“You plan on wearing me down to get your way?”
He shakes his head. “No. You’re right when you said we didn’t even get started. This is where we begin. Right here. Please, will you go out on a date with me?”
“You can’t erase the past. I can’t forget…”
“I don’t want you to. I want the opportunity to make new memories. Let me show you what I already know. And if you like this other guy more, I’ll do what you want and let you go.”
A wave of panic rushes through my blood lighting it on fire. I should question why my body has a visceral reaction to the idea of Koa letting me go for good. It feels so final. I’m not prepared for that.
“Fine. One date,” I say, knowing that despite my hesitancy, this is what my heart craves.
Yet, there is part of me that doesn’t want to give up on my mystery man online and the connection we made. He may not be able to give me what I want physically, but emotionally he’s everything I’ve been needing.
How do I walk away from that?