19. Chapter 19
Chapter 19
Maisie
Today was the day, today we would watch two of our best friends get married in front of their families and friends.
Hugh and Grace had decided to have a short engagement and only wanted a really small wedding with just a few of us there. Both of their parents were there and so was Freya, Grace's younger sister. She hadn't brought a date with her, she insisted she was way too busy for 'all that dating malarkey.' She was training to become a doctor in the children's hospital, the hours were absolutely brutal but she seemed to really be enjoying what she was doing.
We didn't see her that much, between all of our studies it was really difficult to get us all together at the same time. But, I had met her a few times with Grace. She was sweet and kind, just like her sister.
Then there was Jax, Ace, Ace's date Lizzy and Mack and I. They'd even invited Rosie and Sam, Mack's parents.
I'd met Lizzy literally the night before, as she was coming out of Ace's room wearing one of his massive t-shirts. She was a tiny little blonde with multiple piercings, she wasn't Ace's usual type at all. Not that he really seemed to have a type, as long as they were female and up for it then so was he. Not that he wasn't a gentleman, he definitely was. He always took care of the revolving line of women leaving his bedroom, there were just a lot of them.
We were all standing in the middle of Meadowside Meadow, not another soul to be seen for miles. It was quiet and serene, the beginning of spring so all of the beautiful flowers were beginning to bloom. It was a sunny day, not a cloud in the sky as we watched our best friends say their vows and promise to love each other forever.
They spoke about the future and all of their hopes and dreams. Grace's dream was to become a mother and watch her children grow and dream big. She was the sweetest soul and I just knew that whatever children they managed to have in the future that they would be the luckiest kids on the planet. She was quite possibly the happiest person I'd ever met, she had the biggest goofiest smile I'd ever seen. She deserved the world and I had absolutely no doubt in my mind that Hugh would give it to her.
I stood beside Mack, clutching his hand and resting my head against his arm, he was so huge I couldn't quite reach his shoulder. We were all barefoot, feeling the new grass between our toes. It was quite possibly the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen.
"Baby what's wrong?" Mack whispered beside me as he turned me to face him.
He had concern written all over his face as he swiped away my tears with his thumbs. Hugh and Grace were having photos taken at the moment, just watching them be so in love was hurting my heart, in the best way.
"I want that," I muttered, nodding towards the happy couple.
"You do?" he asked.
"Yeah … I want … family, home, love."
Mack went to say something but held himself back, I could see the cogs turning in his head, the battle in his mind flickered in his eyes before he asked …
"Do you, do you think that, I mean … shit," he rubbed at his forehead. I loved his shy and awkward side, he was so completely lovable.
"Say it Mack …" I knew what he was going to say and I wholeheartedly had the answer for him.
He brought his eyes back up to mine, before taking a deep breath and taking a chance,
"Do you think that you might like those things … with me?" He looked so vulnerable in this moment, like a little boy waiting for the most important answer of his life.
I was a little mean and kept him stewing for a few seconds longer before I opened my mouth and spoke my truth, from the heart.
"Without a doubt …"
Mack
That night we partied like we'd never partied before, and truth be told, I had never partied before. That's another item ticked off the bucket list, seems silly really doesn't it. An almost twenty three year old that's never been to a party before but here we are.
I wasn't ashamed of my experiences, they made me who I am today.
And it was that lack of shame and quite a lot of alcohol that led me to this very moment. We were partying in the small Meadowside community centre, all the guys from college were here along with their dates. All the parents and siblings, extended family and friends. It was gone midnight, everybody was completely sloshed, myself included and I was in the middle of the dance floor. Slow dancing to 'Thinking Out Loud' by Ed Sheeran, but it wasn't my gorgeous woman in my arms. Nope, any guesses who it was?
Yep, that's right. Ace had his arms wrapped around my waist, head resting against my chest as we swayed to the music.
If I hadn't been incredibly intoxicated then I probably wouldn't have found myself in this situation but hey ho and here we are. To be fair, Ace had been unusually quiet today. There had been no theatrics, he was reserved. It wasn't the drink as he really didn't drink that much.
As the song ended, he looked up at me. He was a few inches shorter than me, but not too much.
"You ever think about what it would be like to have this Mackie boy?" he gestured around him, nodding towards all of the other couples holding hands and laughing.
"Oh yeah, I want all of it … with Maisie." There wasn't a doubt in my mind.
"I wish I had that …" He looked down at his dress shoes, kicking against the floor.
"You can have it … what happened to Lizzy?"
"Ah, erm she left. Not before she gave me a nosh in the bathroom though," he told me with a chuckle but the humour never met his eyes.
"It all just feels so empty you know," I led him towards the makeshift bar that had been set up. We both grabbed a beer before I led him outside so we could chat. As we sat beside each other on the bench outside, he spoke again.
"Jax and I had a really shitty childhood mate. My parents were addicts and my Dad was abusive, towards us and our Mum. Jax and I witnessed things that children should never see, including the rape and murder of our own mother," He paused, looking up towards the stars.
"Fuck, Ace I had no idea mate," I laid an arm across his shoulders, he wasn't the kind of macho guy who would shy away from being comforted.
"Ah it's alright. It was a long time ago, we've both had therapy and stuff but it just makes me want more for my own life. You know? My Dad's in prison, he'll be there until he dies. My mum … she was not a good mum at all but I still miss her you know. I think as kids we are hardwired to need our mum's, whether they're good or bad at it, right?"
"Of course, I wouldn't have survived without mine."
"I know everyone sees me as the joker, the guy who doesn't have a serious bone in his body. And they're right, but that's not all I am. I want something real, something true like Hugh and Grace and you and Maisie. Jax still needs me, he's barely an adult and he's got himself more together than I do. What am I doing wrong?" He was so sincere I almost couldn't take it.
I took a long swig of my beer before telling him,
"You aren't doing anything wrong mate. If there's one thing that I've learnt just recently, it's that you don't need to change yourself for anybody. The right person will love all of you, the way you need to be loved, and the people who don't? Well they don't deserve you. You are the purest person I've ever met, you are so unapologetically yourself, you don't need to change a thing buddy. We all love you just the way you are and some day you'll find the right person to love all of you, flaws and all."
He nodded … just nodded and that's how I knew that he truly wasn't okay, the small amount of alcohol probably wasn't helping but one day I'd repay this man for the kindness he'd bestowed on me. One day I'd repay the favour, whether it be tomorrow or years from now, one day this man would need me and I wouldn't hesitate to step up.
That night I was plagued with nightmares, the conversation with Ace playing on my mind. My nightmare played on a loop, all night until I woke up sweating to Maisie's concerned face peering down at me.
It was two weeks until the summer holidays and I was ready for a break from this place. I'd just spent the last hour sat in my history lesson, listening to little taunts and having paper balls thrown at my head. Unfortunately I hadn't managed to get to class before everyone else so was left sitting at the very front of the room.
The thing about bullies … they're clever, devious, manipulative. Either that or the teachers genuinely couldn't give a shit about bullying happening right under their noses. It was a wonder that my heart hadn't given out yet, I spent my time in perpetual panic, my heart thundering beneath my ribcage. I couldn't concentrate on a word the teacher was saying, all I could hear was the laughs and jokes coming from behind me.
I would never understand what I'd done wrong, why did I deserve to face their wrath day after day? I was kind, I worked hard, I was nice to everyone. Yet still they all hated me.
It felt like thousands of spiders crawling over my skin, I was itchy and sweating. Hot, yet cold. The hair on the back of my neck stood on end, in fear, like always.
When I couldn't take it a second more, I showed the teacher my pass and practically ran out of the classroom door. The teacher never asked me that was wrong, never commented on what was happening to me. He truly didn't care.
I ran down the corridor and slammed into the bathroom, immediately finding a free cubicle and locking myself inside. I sat down on the toilet seat and rested my head in my hands, willing the tears not to fall. I couldn't even escape the bullies behind these locked doors, there were taunts and cruel jokes written in sharpie all over the walls.
I don't know how long I sat there, I was pretty sure I'd missed the bell signalling the end of one class and the start of another. I just couldn't do it, couldn't bring myself to go out there and pretend to live anymore.
This was one of the first moments that the thought crossed my mind and I truly meant it, 'I want to die.'
When all had gone quiet again and I'd made the decision just to leave and go home, I unlocked the cubicle and stepped out. I didn't get far though because they'd been waiting for me. Jimmy was the worst of them, they all followed him around like loyal minions, whatever he wanted they obeyed. Whoever he decided deserved his wrath, they'd all comply.
Jimmy was standing just inside the bathroom door, two of his evil minions beside him.
Lea and Emma Hendrix were the worst of the worst, twin girls with evil eyes and witchy laughs. They were the stuff of nightmares. The boys were the ones who physically taunted me, pushed me around, beat me up. But it was these two girls that caused me such psychological pain.
I couldn't even tell you how it happened, it all happened so quickly but one minute I was standing outside that toilet cubicle, the next I was being pinned down on the floor. Jimmy held me face down, sitting on my back. Each of the twins were standing on my arms and that's when I smelt it.
Smoke.
Cigarette smoke.
I will never ever forget the screams that left me that day and the smell of burning flesh as they held me down and pressed the cigarette five times into the back of my neck.
I'll never forget how worthless I felt as they left me in a crying heap on that floor.
And I'll never forget the searing pain that I'd felt for weeks afterwards.
That night I went home and tried to kill myself, that night I'd said I'd wanted to die and meant it.
Thank God I hadn't been successful.