Chapter 9
CHAPTER 9
T he next few weeks were miserable without Brennan. I wanted so badly to go to him and see him again. But I stayed strong, ignoring his texts. I only shifted into the wolf and ran when I was with the pack. I didn't trust my wolf not to charge right back to Brennan.
One night, Nathan knocked on our front door. Curtis answered, but Nathan looked over his shoulder and his eyes locked on me.
"Amelia hasn't been out to run lately," Nathan said. "She needs to practice."
Curtis obviously wasn't quite sure how to handle Nathan, who was the alpha's son but also had left the pack. No one was quite sure where he stood in the hierarchy now. Finally, Curtis said, "Nathan's right. Amelia, you should go out."
I wanted to refuse--the last thing I wanted was to be anywhere near Nathan while I was heartbroken over Brennan--but Rose and Aiden were watching. The sense of a storm brewing prickled down the back of my neck. I didn't want any trouble, especially not with them present.
"A run won't hurt," I agreed.
Nathan and I left the house, then parted ways behind the sheet that hung on a clothesline, shielded from the house. Nathan slung his shirt, then his jeans, over the line, weighing it down, and I hung my own clothes over too. Then I shifted, and I padded around to join him.
We ran together through the woods, our feet flying over the damp leaves and grass. The cool air blew past us, energizing us. As we ran I felt a small spark of joy, as if I could outrun my heartache and all that it entailed. We ran faster, pushing ourselves to the point where my breath came in short pants and my legs burned with effort. It felt too soon, though, that our loop took us back to the backyard behind the small house where I’d grown up.
He shifted back into a human and hurried to grab his clothes from the line before anyone could come outside. When he was dressed again, the two of us met on the other side of the line.
He said, "You're still as fast as ever."
“Thanks.”
"What's wrong?" Nathan asked. "You can tell me."
My fingers rubbed over my turtleneck, and Nathan's sharp eyes noticed. I smiled at him, dropping my hand. Fuck. I'd been touching the mate mark without meaning to do so.
"I'm fine," I promised.
"I'm going to take you out on Saturday night," he said. "You aren't ready to leave the pack lands, but I'll have a picnic for us. We'll get out where it's quiet and watch the stars."
"That sounds nice," I admitted, but all I could think of was how much I'd like to do that again with Brennan.
His face darkened. "There's someone else, isn't there? Is it Lawson?"
"No," I said, confused.
"Then who?"
I took a deep breath. "I'm not seeing anyone," I said, looking away. "I'm sorry. I just--"
"I know that everyone makes mistakes," he said easily. "I just hope you know that you can always come back to me, no matter what you did. There’s always a place for you in this pack."
I swallowed. "I'm not going anywhere.”
The words felt like a curse.
"Good," he said, then abruptly lunged forward in a kiss. His lips were sloppy and hard against mine, and I automatically pulled away.
He wrapped his arms around me in a hug as if he didn't notice. I pressed my lips against his shoulder to get the wetness off my mouth, and I patted his back awkwardly, not sure what to do. I felt like a traitor.
"I need to go back home," I said. "My family is waiting."
"All right," he said, reluctantly pulling away from me. "We'll have Saturday night."
"I'm looking forward to it." But my words didn't match my aching spirit. I felt like my heart had been ripped out all over again by having another man kiss me. The mark burned under my shirt, and it took everything I had to keep from trying to rub the pain away.
I belonged to Brennan. There was no denying it.
I left Nathan behind, running back towards the house. I couldn't outrun the horrible feeling that I'd made a huge mistake. Whatever else Brennan was…he was my mate. My first love, my first kiss. Even if I'd rushed into things, that was all still true.
I felt like I was going to throw up when I reached the house. I snuck inside, grateful to escape into my room without being caught by anyone, then sat on the floor, hugging my knees. I had to figure out what to do. I was mated to an alpha from a rival pack. If anyone found out, Jacob Longroad could kill me for betraying the pack, and no one would question him. Not even my mother. The thought stabbed into my chest.
How long could I hide the mark?
I couldn't sleep that night. I tossed and turned, and the moon’s light winking through the curtains no matter how much I tried to pull them shut felt as it were taunting me.
* * *
In the morning I found my mother in the kitchen making a pot of coffee. When I cleared my throat, she turned. She looked tired, her skin pale and eyes sunken.
"Mom?"
"Hm?" She looked up.
I didn't know what I wanted from this conversation. Comfort. I guessed. Which my mom could never give me at the best of times.
"I miss my job," I said, which was true; it was just the least of my many problems. "I don't want to just stay on pack lands and wait to be married off."
She smiled, but it didn't reach her eyes. "You seem to be doing your best to drive off the alpha's son."
"I don't feel any spark with him." That was an understatement. My connection to Brennan was a pulsing need; I couldn’t imagine being with any other man, but certainly not Nathan.
"He's a good match, Amelia. Handsome, smart, strong. He'll be alpha one day, mark my words. You couldn't do any better."
I glanced out the window at Lawson's house next door. His very-pregnant sister was walking up the stone walkway, carefully holding the hand of her toddling firstborn. The image of Brennan's baby in my arms suddenly rose strong as a vision, accompanied with a supernatural prickling.
I couldn't be pregnant, could I? From that one night of sex when we’d marked each other?
It was just my imagination, which was always too active.
"I don't want to marry anyone. I want to be independent."
She let out a short, bitter laugh. "I had plenty of years of independence when your father left us. It's overrated, Amelia. Just... take the attention of a handsome, powerful man and be grateful, for once."
"Grateful for what?"
She forced a smile and poured herself a mug of coffee. "For being wanted."
I looked out the window again. The prickling sensation was still there. I turned to leave but then paused. "Mom?"
"Hm?" She sipped her coffee, and I could see that her hands weren't quite steady.
"Why is Nathan so interested in me?" I asked. "I hardly know him, but he keeps trying to get my attention."
"I don't know," she said. "I think maybe he's just lonely. And you are a beautiful girl." Her lips twisted bitterly. "Make use of it while you can, Amelia. You won't always be so pretty."
That was the closest my mother ever came to a compliment.
"If I'm supposed to be grateful for being wanted…” The words stuck in my throat, but I forced out the question that had always bothered me. “How come you've never wanted me?"
"You're being dramatic," she said.
I shook my head.
"You've had it so easy.” Bitterness leaked through her words. "You're healthy, you're beautiful, you're talented. You don't know what it's like to suffer."
"If any of that is true, you should be happy for me.” But I knew she wasn't. I’d never thought my mother saw me as gifted in so many ways, but instead of those thoughts being warm with a mother’s love, they were cold too.
"Marry Nathan," she called to me as I reached the front door. "I want you out of this house, Amelia. Before you waste your best chance.”
Your best chance. The words pounded in my heart as I made my way out to shift. Nathan was not my best chance… but what was?
Usually, my cares slipped away once I became a wolf. Now, as I ran through pack lands, it all felt pointless.
There was nowhere for me to run.