Chapter 30
GIANNA
He might’ve told me to go to sleep, but I had no hope of actually doing it.
My whole body was too alive from the kisses, I could feel his lips on mine and his hand around my throat too clearly for anything but endless waking dreams of the two of us together, to unfold in my mind every time I closed my eyes.
I even tiptoed to the door a few times, just to look at him through the peephole. And I almost opened the door more than once to pull him inside so we could finish what we started.
Or, more like, kiss until dawn.
Because as much as my body craves him, I don’t think I’m ready.
Gone are the waking nightmares I had imagining my wedding night with some man my dad picked and I didn’t like or want.
They’ve been replaced by sensations and desires I’ve never felt before.
Wishes to see Matteo naked. Feel his muscles under my fingers.
Feel his penis in the palm of my hand. Taste it. Take it in.
Most women my age wouldn’t think twice before acting on all those desires. But I have to think about so many things beyond it.
If I lose my virginity before my wedding night, I will disgrace my family. Possibly beyond repair. I’ve been told that ever since I knew what “losing your virginity” even meant, possibly before that.
If my father or any of his other men ever find out he kissed me, Matteo’s life is over.
And even if all that were something I could overcome, if we could keep it a secret, if I could convince dad to let me marry him… that still leaves the curse… and the fear that I’ll make a total fool of myself when we do make love.
I’m pretty sure he’s somehow immune to my curse.
Because I’m sure it would cut him down by now if he wasn’t.
Maybe it’s precisely because we’re never getting married.
My dad wouldn’t allow it in a million years.
Or maybe his kiss broke it. Or maybe it was never a curse to begin with, but more like a guardian angel, making sure I would be free to find the love of my life.
As for making a fool of myself… I’ve probably already done that with the kissing. I have no experience, nothing beyond what I’d seen in movies or read about in books.
By the time I’d finally fallen asleep at dawn, the rising sun casting a diffuse golden light over my room, I’d already decided that nothing would make me walk away from Matteo and these feelings he’s woken in me.
We’ll just have to keep it a secret. He already had once.
Because he knows exactly what’s at stake too.
I’ll tell him that as soon as I see him tonight.
Tell him I’ll be his. Just as long as no one else knows.
Which must include my sisters too.
Chiara banging on my bedroom door woke me and my mind is still full of last night, as though no time has passed since Matteo left. But, as Chiara also informed me, it’s almost four in the afternoon.
“I’m up, I’m up,” I answer hoarsely and roll out of bed.
She opens the door and walks in. “What’s going on with you? Did you go out last night and didn’t tell me?”
I shake my head, looking for the kimono to put over my nightgown. “Of course I didn’t go out. I just couldn’t fall asleep until dawn.”
“Why?” She’s looking at me like she’s trying to read the answer off my face. And as fiercely as I’m still thinking about Matteo, I’m pretty sure she might actually succeed.
I turn away from her to prevent it. “Don’t know. Just couldn’t. But you’re right, we should go out. We can have dinner somewhere nice tonight, just the three of us.”
And Matteo and the rest of our guards. My sisters can’t know anything, my dad doesn’t want me alone with Matteo… but if Lidia and Chiara are there too, he can’t object.
The idea seems so brilliant that I want to act on it this minute.
“OK, sure,” Chiara says, still looking at me like she’s waiting for me to tell her the truth.
One day I’ll tell her everything. But for now, it’s too dangerous.
“Let’s say at eight o’clock,” I add. “Now I’m going to take a shower.”
She mutters, “Sure, OK,” and I don’t wait for any more questions to come. I just walk into my bathroom where I’ll probably spend the next few hours getting ready. I feel bad not telling her everything. I want to tell her everything. And relive every detail of last night as I do.
But she’s my little sister and I must protect her.
I’m the one who decided to betray my family’s honor. My sisters can have no part in it.
One day they’ll understand.
I hope.