Chapter 40
MATTEO
I fell asleep like the proverbial baby with her in my arms. Now the sun is coming up over the river in the distance, shadows gathering and fleeing from the light and I know I should get up and sneak back out of her bedroom. But I can’t even bring myself to sneak out of her arms.
She’s holding me so tight, her perfect, smooth, naked body pressed against mine. So innocent and pure. Not just her. This whole scene. I don’t want to go back to my life of hate, revenge, and ugliness. I want to stay right here.
But the more I think about that, the farther away it slips. Even though she’s still holding me tight, sleeping the sleep of the innocent in my arms.
I will help destroy that innocence in a few days.
If I fucked her last night, I’d have a piece of her innocence with me always. But she wasn’t ready. And I wouldn’t rob her of it.
Because I’m robbing her of everything else.
Robbing her of everything she holds dear, she believes in, she is.
And it’s time to get on with it.
I carefully lift her arm from around my chest, resisting the urge to kiss her slightly parted lips and wake her from sleep like she’s an enchanted princess and I’m the prince about to give her life.
All I’m gonna give her is death and pain.
So I don’t kiss her. I just watch her sleep as I dress, doing it just as slowly as I undressed last night. Her long golden hair is brushing the pillows, draped across her smooth back, her breasts bare, her nipples still hard, her skin aglow in the rising sun.
I could watch her sleep for hours. I could watch her do just about anything for hours. And if I don’t move, I’ll end up doing just that.
I almost wish someone would catch me as I slip out of her bedroom, closing the door slowly and almost silently. Because I’m a thief and I’m about to become a lot worse.
But the apartment is cold and silent and still mostly dark. The floorboards hardly creak as I walk to the front door.
I check through the peephole, expecting someone to be posted outside. But they must’ve not noticed my absence.
With every piece of luck I encounter, I know there’s worse ruin waiting for me in the future. I’m protected by my curse, just as surely as I’ll be destroyed by it in the end.
As will Goldie.
There’s no hope for her anymore, just as there never was for me.
I hope she enjoyed last night as much as I did. Because from here on out, she won’t enjoy anything.
I step out into the hallway, close the door softly and lean against the marble wall, willing its hard coolness to destroy what’s left of the heat inside me.
“Where were you?” Rafaelle’s voice floats to me from around the corner. A moment later I see him.
I don’t have a lot of time to decide how to answer that question. Practically none at all.
“I had to stretch my legs, so I walked to the stairwell and climbed a few floors,” I tell him, the lie rolling out of my mouth so smoothly it might as well be the truth. “I was cramping up like crazy.”
“You don’t leave your post for anything. I thought that much was clear.”
There’s always darkness in Raffaelle’s face, the man never smiles, his features never soften. Except sometimes when Lidia is around and he thinks no one’s watching. He likes her. And that’s all I’ve been able to figure out about him so far.
“It’s clear,” I say. “And the women would like to go to the seaside again later today. I think you should take them.”
“They told you that, did they?” He’s looking at me like he thinks I’m full of shit. Which I am.
“Yes, Lidia mentioned it,” I say. “Something about this being the end of summer and she wants to say her goodbyes.”
It sounds like something Lidia would say, she’s always talking in that bookish way. And as his face softens just a little, I know I’ve said the right thing.
“They’ll ask you to take them, I’m sure,” I say and lean back against the wall like I couldn’t care less about this conversation.
But I’ve just found a way to separate the men and the women of this family like Angelo wanted.
And found a way to get the women away from here when the attack comes.
Angelo might’ve decided not to kill them, but anything can happen when bullets start flying.
And from his perspective, he is better off just killing them all, I can’t deny that.
Now I just have to figure out a way to get Goldie and the rest to actually make the trip to the seaside happen.
“Yeah, we’ll see about that,” Rafaelle says and turns. “Don’t leave your post again.”
“Understood.”
I say the last to his back because he’s already walking away.
I will the coldness of the marble I’m leaning against to penetrate more than just my skin.
I want it to make me numb again, make my thoughts cold and cruel like they were before Goldie burst into my life.
But I’m not sure I’ll ever find the way back to that guy now.
It took me a long time to get there in the first place.
Because my first instinct has never been to hurt or kill.
And if Angelo knew that, he’d probably kill me sooner than take me into his confidences.
So I better start acting like the man he needs me to be. And quit wasting time pining for something I’ll never have again. Because even though I already have Goldie, I’ll never have the one sleeping in her bed right now.
But I will have the means to avenge my family. She’s just another price I will have to pay to honor my father’s dying wish.
* * *
I let some time pass after Rafaelle disappears from the hallway.
Time I spend willing myself to not care about any of these people that are about to experience everything my family experienced and worse.
But no amount of telling myself that it’s necessary, that it’s their turn, that it’s my turn to get my revenge is doing much to make my blood run cold again.
Eventually I sneak back to Goldie’s bedroom. Use one of the many glittering pens on her desk to write a note.
I’d love to spend some time with you by the sea this weekend. Bring your sisters too so we can be alone.
Not the best choice of words, maybe. But I hope she’ll understand what I mean, and it’ll get the job done.
But once I’m done, once the piece of paper with the glittering blue letters is on the pillow beside her, I still can’t leave. The urge to climb back into bed, back into her arms, is so strong I can barely resist doing it. And it’s too strong to allow me to leave.
They’re a weird thing… feelings… I don’t even know when I caught them for her.
And I don’t actually know when I lost them for everyone else in the first place.
But they’re back now. And they’re showing me Goldie’s pristine white sheets covered in blood, the walls sprayed with it, my hands covered in it.
The vision is vivid enough to propel me from her room. And terrible enough to allow me to let go of any ideas that don’t end with Goldie’s life destroyed.
There’s no turning back for me. Because there’s nothing to go back to.
The innocent girl I left sleeping, the one I caught feelings for, will never be mine. And there’s no way around that.