Chapter 25
I cringe as I read back my own message. —Noah Hardaway
Tom
Happy prom night, chat!!!
Gabe
I thought we talked about you calling the rest of us “chat.”
Tom
Yes, and I think we all agreed it’s charming. Has everyone finalized their looks? We have group photos to take tonight!
Malachai
My mission’s accomplished. Sam’s wearing that violet suit Tom snuck into his closet. Picture me drooling.
Benson
Didn’t he tell Tom he was wearing khakis and a tie and that was the end of the conversation?
Malachai
What can I say? I’m very persuasive.
Gabe
No need to share your exact powers of persuasion here. We just got Noah added to our message group. Don’t want to scare him off!
Malachai
We could just say I was in charge of dessert last night…anyway, hey there, Noah! Did Tom outfit you for tonight too?
Noah
Oh, he one hundred percent dressed me. He even found me new jeans I love for like five dollars. Is he a shopping genius?
I laugh as I send the message, because boy, does everyone in this group know each other well.
Then I glance down at my bed. On the right side sits the clothing items Tom helped me find for prom.
On the other side sits my near-empty suitcase.
One of the most important choices of my life is laid out in front of me on my bed, a perfect visual example of mental chaos. And I can’t even concentrate on it right now because my phone keeps pinging with chat messages.
Gabe
Finding value vintage clothing is his not-so-hidden talent. He says it was lost on his Hollywood crowd, so he’s glad people in Devon Falls appreciate his skills.
Noah
I bet. What are the rest of you wearing?
Benson
I’m wearing basically the same suit I wear when I go to court, and I’m making Jack wear flannel again. Because let’s face it, Jack in flannel is one hot piece of ass.
No one in the chat disagrees. Malachai gives the message a thumbs-up.
Gabe
I’m excited. I never got to go to my own prom, you know? So this night feels like a big deal to me. I hope it’s a powerful experience for other people too.
We all heart that message. Even Benson, who I figured out pretty early on in this group chat isn’t exactly the “hearting messages” type.
I frown down at the bed again. My suitcase currently has four pairs of underwear and my shaving kit in it.
I glance out my bedroom window, across the grounds of the community center parking lot that will soon be filled with people wearing everything from polo shirts to tuxes to drag.
Am I going to a prom tonight, or am I driving home to Pottsville without even telling Milo I’m leaving?
Three days ago, the idea of leaving without even talking to Milo would have felt absurd.
We agreed to wait for the information from Mia’s PI before we made any more calls about how to handle Ezra, and at the time, I felt mostly at peace with that choice.
Milo argued that any family therapy sessions or conversations with Stan were likely to go a lot better with some kind of concrete evidence for Ezra’s motivations, and I couldn’t argue with that. Not really.
But with each hour that’s passed since then, I’ve gotten less and less confident in that choice.
I’ve been skipping Uncle Stan’s phone calls and sending non-answers to his texts, and it was a message he left on my voicemail this morning that nearly broke me.
I got it just after Milo left to run a mysterious errand before he “picks me up” for the dance soon.
“Kiddo,” the message said. “I know you’re upset.
Please remember how much I love you, okay?
I’ll always love you. Please come home? Dr. Rubian said he’ll meet with us anytime.
I know this is the farthest apart we’ve been from each other in a long time, and I don’t want your new life in Devon Falls to come between us.
Please come back to Pottsville, Noah, so we can talk. ”
That’s when I started packing.
Malachai
Noah, are you looking forward to the prom?
My brain is so filled with messy white noise that I type out an answer and hit send before I even think about what I’m typing.
Noah
Honestly? Not really. I’m glad we’re going to raise some money for the center. But I’m the kind of guy who’d rather dance outside under the trees with someone, just the two of us, than cut loose in front of a crowd of people. Especially right now.
Then I cringe as I read back my own message.
That was way too honest. It’s not like I know any of these people all that well, even Gabe, and—shit.
Holy heck, is there a delete option in this group chat?
Where do I find it? But while I’m panicking my way through that line of thought, a video call request from Gabe to the entire group appears on my screen.
I’m half tempted not to answer it, because I don’t need to embarrass myself even more over a video call, but it’s not like they all don’t know I’ve been staring at my phone.
These are four of the people I know best in Devon Falls right now, and it doesn’t feel right to ignore them.
So I click the button to answer the call.
Benson’s face, wry and half smiling, immediately takes up the right-hand corner of the screen. Gabe’s on the left, playing with his hairdo. Malachai’s underneath both of them, messing with what looks like a bow tie.
“I don’t even know how this thing is supposed to work,” Malachai mutters.
“I’ll have Tom send you a tutorial,” Gabe tells him.
“What’s up, Noah?” Benson asks, frowning. “Are you just shy, or are villainous political plots getting you down?”
“Benson.” Malachai groans. “Honestly, do you have a tactful bone in your body?”
“One, just above my knee. Seriously,” he says.
“What’s up? I hear you on not wanting to dance in front of strangers.
Luckily for you, there are no strangers in Devon Falls.
” He snorts. “Can you believe someone actually wrote that into the town charter? And is there still no word from that detective Milo’s got traipsing around New York? ”
I shake my head as I walk across the room to the bed. I keep the video camera of my phone trained carefully away from the suitcase as I look down at it. “Nothing yet. And who knows if she’ll find anything helpful at all? Would my dad have hired a COS who couldn’t pass a background check?”
“PIs can dig up a lot of things that standard background checks won’t show,” Benson says.
I don’t answer.
Malachai frowns and drops the bow tie somewhere off screen.
“I give up,” he tells us. “Gabe, please tell Tom I definitely need a tutorial.” Gabe nods.
“Anyway,” Malachai goes on. “Just remember that whatever happens, you always have a place here in Devon Falls. All of us were strays once. This town loves a rescue.”
Bear makes a sound that’s half yip and half whine, and I laugh.
“Yeah, I’ve seen the way everyone around here has jumped to help Scout.” I lean my head back and do my best to relax my muscles. My shoulders have been up around my neck all day. “You know something weird? I never really felt like I belonged in Pottsville. Even though I spent my whole life there.”
Malachai nods. “I hear you. You should probably know that all three of us have some history with not feeling like we belong in spaces where the world put us. I think that’s probably why we’ve all gotten close so quickly.
” He grins into the camera. “And Gabe outed me as a virgin to the entire town of Devon Falls not long after we met, so that helped too.”
“I’ve apologized for that like a million times!
” Gabe says, but he’s smiling. “Malachai’s right, Noah.
” He laughs. “I was telling my therapist that I think the three of us each represent the different trauma responses, did I ever tell you guys that?” Benson and Malachai both shake their heads.
“You know, flight, fight, and freeze? The things people do when they’re in danger or think they’re in danger?
Benson, you always fought when you felt like you didn’t belong in your family.
Malachai, you ran away to Devon Falls to get away from where you grew up.
And me and my stepfather… well, I think we all know I froze up a whole lot in front of him before I met Tom and Colin. ”
“Huh.” Benson frowns. “I mean, I guess I see that.”
I clear my throat. “There are four, actually. Four fear responses. The fourth one is appease. Well, some people call it fawn instead of appease. But I like when things rhyme.”
“Oh.” Gabe nods. “Right, I forgot that one. Fight, flight, freeze, and appease.” He grins. “See? I knew we hired the perfect social worker.”
Malachai’s studying me. “Don’t tell us you’re the appease this group’s been waiting for.”
I laugh, but the sound is hollow in my ears.
“Not with my father. I’ve never once had to be afraid of him.
But with Ezra Morehouse?” I wince. “Yeah. I guess I tend to appease.” I think of all the t-shirts I’ve changed just because Ezra didn’t like them, all the times I’ve adjusted my manner or my mood or my diet because he had an opinion about how I presented myself to the world.
“My dad—Uncle Stan—sacrificed so much for me. And his career is important to him and a lot of other people. So, where Ezra’s concerned, I’ve always done what I needed to do to keep the peace. ”
“Got it,” says Malachai. “Honestly, Noah, it sounds like you sort of do appease with your uncle. You just do it through Ezra.”
The video call goes silent, and my brain buzzes as I think about that statement. Is Malachai right?
“He’s the only family I have left,” I finally say quietly. “My mother passed away when I was just a little older than Lou.”
“Shoot,” Gabe says. “I’m so sorry, Noah.”
“Me too.” I shrug. “I don’t really want to talk about it, but I was there when she… passed. I heard it happen. I remember thinking, now I’ll probably be alone forever. Up against the world and all by myself for the rest of my life.”
“That’s terrible,” Benson says softly, and that might be the most sincere thing I’ve ever heard Benson Lewis say.
“But Uncle Stan stepped up, even though he basically knew nothing about raising children.” I laugh. “We ate so much boxed mac and cheese the first year I lived with him. To this day, I still love that stuff.”
“Do you really think this Ezra asshole will destroy what you and your dad have?” Malachai asks. “It sounds like you’re about as close as Gabe and Lou.”
That question has been strumming dissonant musical notes at the back of my mind all day long.
“I always hoped that even Ezra didn’t have enough power to take apart the relationship I have with my dad.
But then I told him how Ezra’s been lying and he didn’t believe me, and… yeah.” The other three nod.
“And you don’t really know where you and Milo fit into each other’s picture if his mother and your father end up running against each other,” Gabe says thoughtfully.
I shake my head. “Nope. Uncle Stan still hasn’t officially announced anything yet, but he keeps saying he’s going to.”
Malachai sends me a lopsided half-smile. “I hate how that’s the scariest thing about love,” he says. “Knowing it could disappear at any moment. How fragile it is, right? Familial love, romantic love. All of it.”
“You know, I’m not sure I would have initiated this video call if I knew it was going to turn into group therapy,” Benson mutters, but he’s smiling.
Malachai presses his lips together and leans forward. “Here’s the thing, right? None of us can tell you what the future holds.” He tilts his head slightly as he studies me. “But we can tell you that we’ve all been where you are now, Noah. Fighting, running, freezing, whatever.”
Gabe raises an eyebrow. “Some of us are still fighting.”
“Hey, that toddler had it coming. He never should have taken Vera’s lollipop at the last town meeting,” Benson says evenly.
“Anyway,” Malachai goes on. “My point is that once upon a time we all had relationships that weren’t supposed to work, and we all had families that weren’t working the way they should have, and I don’t think any of us have ended up with exactly the families or relationships we thought we’d end up with when we first got to Devon Falls. ”
“Absolutely not. Somehow I got stuck with the three of you,” Benson says, but he’s smiling.
“Hahaha,” Gabe says. “But yeah, Noah. Malachai’s right. Things have a way of working themselves out in this town. Trust yourself, okay? Trust Milo, and try to trust your father. And whatever happens, know that you always have a family here, with the three of us.”
Bear presses her head into my knee as we all end the call. “What do you think, girl?” I ask her as I wind my fingers through her fur. “Are they right? Can I get through all this stuff with Ezra and somehow hold onto my father, and Milo, and Devon Falls?”
Bear keeps her head against my leg as I look back and forth between my prom outfit and my suitcase.
Back and forth.
Back and forth.
Back and forth.
Finally, I’m ready. I reach over and pick up what I know I need tonight.